screwed up again?

[Lisalove1976]

So last night my wife (who knows about Lisa but doesn't want to partake in her activities) put on a new night gown we just bought her earlier in the week, I was touching and feeling it when out of the blue she asked me if I wanted to wear it! , I hesitated so she asked me "are you fighting it (meaning the desire) and I responded " I fight it everyday". She took it off and handed it to me, so after about 5 minutes I decided to put it on. After I put it on I decided to continue touching and feeling the new night gown she put on just to be shot down.

This morning I meet her in the shower and finished what I thought we had started last night. In the car on our way to work I thanked her for last night knowing how hard it is for her to be involved, her response was to tell me not to use her for my release.......

She figured that I was wearing something sexy and that was the only reason I was in the mood.
My version is that I wanted to thank her for not making me feel so alone and that it was more a self confidence thing and not at all just a release.

Did I screw up again?

[Teresa]

Lisa,
Nighties have that effect and your wife knows it !
It sounds as if her teasing had more of an effect than she expected ! It is a little bit like playing with fire !

Many years ago I had a GF who I bought and shared nighties with and she knew exactly what it did for me and also for her !!

[Lisalove1976]

she also asked me this morning why I don't sleep regularly in a nighty and I told her the truth.. "I don't want to shove it in your face"... I know she doesn't like it so even though she knows about Lisa I still find that I am in the closet.

[Tora]

Night gowns are one of the few concessions my bride is ok with. If we are alone, I get to wear a long nylon. Which I do 95% of the time. Miss Elaine and Shadowline have some very nice ones. Of course I keep her well supplied with matching sleep ware. Good luck.

[Nadine Spirit]

Interesting interaction between you two. Did you screw it up? Dunno. She asked for information and you provided it. Then she seemed bothered. Maybe she wanted some different information.

I could take a guess? Maybe she was hoping you were turned on by her and not by her clothes. And by putting on her clothes and wanting to continue she interpreted it as you being excited by the clothes and not by her. So... maybe some potential insecurities?

I am not a sexual cross dresser, but sex is not excluded from my cross dressing world either. Sex happens or not, regardless of how I am dressed. But I know that many here are sexual dressers. (I don't know about you OP.) But I could see from a SOs point of view how it could be hurtful imagining that your SO is more turned on by inanimate clothing than by a live person. So... after speculating a bit, I think that more communication would do your relationship wonders.

Good luck.

[ReineD]

Did I screw up again?

No, I don't think you did.

I can understand why your wife felt that had you not had the nightgown experience, you would not have wanted her the following morning, so the sex was more about the nightgown than it was about wanting her. This feels like fetish to a GG, who would prefer to be the direct object of attraction.

I read an article a long time ago that explained that men express love physically whereas women express it emotionally. It took me many, many years to get this. The two of you need to talk frequently about your sexual selves, what motivates you, what turns you on, to hopefully get on the same page. There are decent books about this in the Sexual Health sections of major bookstores and they may be helpful. You should just pop in one day and have a look, find one that is meaningful to you and that you both can read.

[Lisalove1976]

Thanks Reine I know I can always count on you :)

Nadine I am also pretty sure she is insecure but that also is probably my fault. Communicating has never been my strong point when it comes to dressing, probably because it's always been just me... in hiding so I got used to the idea I guess

[Momarie]

From what you wrote, it seems like the focus of your touching and feeling was on the nightgown...not her.

[Lisalove1976]

well actually it was the work up... eventually I would have worked my way under the nightgown

[Gypsy Sam]

Always interesting when ReineD offers commentary. Talking about sexual selves has never been easy. The power of choosing when intimacy(intercourse) takes place by the female could be threatened if too much information is being probed for. Men are not that complex, the visual is a means of creativity and should not be perceived as competition. Perhaps a Sexual Health section of the book store review could be helpful. Better understanding of why she says no most of the time.

[Lisalove1976]

believe it or not it's me that's saying no... well not really, she used to make advances that I ignored so now she gave up and I mean TOTALLY gave up.

If I don't make the 1st move their is no movement.

[Amy Lynn3]

Lisa, may I ask why ? Why was she the only one making advances ? Just a guess, but maybe the time was wrong....right after work or other bad times for you. I'm sure something was wrong. Maybe she feels hurt by the rejections and now she feels the cding is number one in your life. I'm thinking is is time for some fence mending.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I don't think you screwed up, no. Just try to work on clear verbal communication with her, even if you fear it might kill the moment. There'll be more moments.

Hugs,

Nikki

[Lisalove1976]

Thanks Nikki I needed to hear that.

Amy, yes timing is usually a thing, I go to bed early and she comes in late. I an like one of those dolls that when you lie it down horizontally the eyes close so having her wake me up even if I was in the mood I'd usually fall asleep.

I guess the true key is talking....

[Tiffany Jane]

Momentary lapse of attention I would say. GG's are very sensitive to distractions when it comes to intimacy, especially if it appears the object of the desire is as easy to take off and hand over. Out on a limb, but find out what her desires are and try to accommodate those feelings for her. Marriage is a balancing act and needs to have each person feel balanced in every aspect of the relationship. It is not 50/50. There are many things that may be needed by a spouse and not the other, but there should be some semblance of give and take to assure that each person is equal in the partnership. Talk with her about it. It may have been an attempt to open up to you, although at a very intimate time and she felt that it wasn't accepted the way she presented it to you. We may like to be called ladies, but a lot of our wiring just doesn't match to our SO's.

[Lisalove1976]

isn't that the truth... Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus!!!

don't know where that puts me but somewhere in the middle I guess.

[Teresa]

Lisa,
I know exactly what you mean (#11) ! Eventually it does hurt a one way situation ! CDing was never brought into the bedroom but I didn't need it to, it just heighten my feelings !
Now since my wife's change there's no movement at all ! and that is very hard to take after nearly ten years, but I've told my wife I respect her wishes, I'm only an arms length away should she change her mind !

[Lisalove1976]

I try to keep it away from her cause I know she doesn't like it but that also causes me to hid stuff I buy from her so when she finds it all hell breaks loose. I think if she was more willing to participate I wouldn't find it so hard but it's not for her so I must stay in the closet and I guess NOT tale her offers when it comes to dressing in the bedroom.

[Annaliese]

Did you tell her that, I make the mistake after all these years that she can read my mind, something yes, on my dressing no, telling her and letting her know what I am thinking or mess it up.

[Kate T]

Personally I think the answer is a bit of yes and a bit of no.

I don't think you necessarily intended to "use" her for "release". BUT it would seem that is the way she felt. If she felt you were just using her for release and you weren't then what you need to do is as has already been suggested, start communicating.

NB: The sexual thing is a VERY difficult area for many couples. Some GG's are quite happy to do the bedroom play thing but for many the whole thing is a huge turn off. That is as much a part of their sexuality as you being attracted to them in lingerie is a part of yours. That is a pretty tough hurdle to overcome if you are going to try and play different in the bedroom.

The other thing I would probably say is generally, if you and your wife want to explore this area, get your own lingerie. There is nothing worse than someone "using" your lingerie.

Just my opinions

[Beverley Sims]

I don't think so, it is very hard to gauge peoples feelings sometimes.
Often things are better left unsaid.
Sounds cold I know but practical.

[Lisalove1976]

I think leaving things unsaid is probably the worse thing to do... she always tells me that I pretend nothing is wrong when there is, usually cause I call her from work and I can't really talk about those things while there.

[kimdl93]

There are two issues here. I suppose one might submit that all sexual encounters between two consenting adults, with or without props, are individuals using their partners for release. But, have you considered that your may have seemed, in her view, to respond with more desire for the object,than you do to her?

I don't think there's any harm in thanking your partner for her thoughtfulness. But if again, think of the context from her perspective. Would you want her to get the impression that a nighty was more desirable that she is?

[Lisalove1976]

that thought did cross my mind and that's why I talked to her about it the next morning... she got even more upset after our discussion cause she said I didn't understand anything!

she's right!!! I don't