Anne2345
12-21-2014, 09:10 PM
It was two years ago today that I started MtF hormone replacement therapy with estrogen and testosterone blockers to begin my transition in earnest.
Although I can hardly recall the person I was back then, I remember the day vividly in super sharp detail.
It was a miserable and brutally cold day. I woke up early to travel to Columbus, Ohio, to meet with my HRT doc for my appointment and prescriptions. Snow began to fall and quickly began to cover the roads through the mountains as I drove on to Columbus. The wind howled and blew snow all around the open roads making it difficult to see. But I was determined to make my appointment and get my prescriptions.
In my head, I had to have them, and I had to have them THAT day. Because it was the very next day that I was leaving for South Carolina to visit my family for Christmas. But even more than that, it was just two days after my sister Sandy’s doctors had told her that her cancer has terminal, and that she had only a few months to live at most.
My sister, though, insisted that I NOT reschedule my appointment with my doctor. She and I had talked much about the things she was going through and the things I was going through. My sister Sandy accepted me as no other person has ever accepted me in my life before or since. She knew I needed to start HRT, and I knew I had to be there with her and for her. But she put my needs ahead of her own and made me promise to get my meds first.
So I did. But it was far from easy. Given the horrible weather, the terrible news my sister had received, and my fear and excitement of everything relating to what I was about to do for myself and TO myself by and through HRT made it a very emotionally challenging day to say the least.
Having left the warmth and comfort of my house at around 7:30 am that morning, I finally arrived back home at 8:15 pm that evening. Even though it was a Friday evening, the roads throughout Charleston were basically desolate, given the cold, the ice, and the snow. From parking my car, I walked up and into my house. I was exhausted from the events of the day. It had been an excruciatingly long day. I was worn out. I had my prescriptions in hand and ready to take to a pharmacy the next morning before I left for South Carolina.
Except that I couldn’t wait until the next morning. My thoughts got the better of me. My *need* got the better of me. By that time, it was a little past 8:30 pm, but I simply couldn’t take it anymore.
I began calling pharmacies one by one to see if any were still open. But each pharmacy I called was already closed, until I called the pharmacy at Walmart. They advised me that they were open until 9:00 pm, and that few customers were there due to the poor weather. So without hesitation, I went immediately back to my car and drove up to good ole Walmart.
As promised, the pharmacy was open when I arrived, and the Walmart was practically devoid of people. It was kind of surreal in its own way.
Walking up to the pharmacy attendant, I will admit that I was actually quite nervous doing so. Even though I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I kinda felt like I was still trying to get away with *something* illegal regardless.
Anyways, having not visited a Walmart pharmacy before, I had to fill out all of the first time paper work and all that stuff, which I handed back to the attendant when I completed it. Upon doing so, the attendant told me I could have a seat and wait while the on-duty pharmacist filled my prescription.
So I started to do just that when the pharmacist came back from behind his counter and into the common area where I was. When I saw him walking towards me I *knew* it had something to do with me and the written prescriptions I had given his assistant, but I was unsure what it could be specifically. And because of that, I felt a big, huge knot of nervousness begin to fill my stomach.
The pharmacist made a direct line for me, and introduced himself to me. He seemed pleasant enough, but he was decidedly quite awkward, as his voice and facial expressions betrayed. He explained to me that he wanted to confirm with me that the written prescriptions that I had provided him were indeed what he thought he was reading. I confirmed that they were. Nervously, though, and still unsure of himself and me, he asked me two more times if he had read the prescriptions correctly. I kind of laughed and acknowledged that it must seem somewhat odd and different, which he nervously laughed in acknowledgement of, but with that reassurance, he nodded in affirmation and went back and filled my prescriptions.
Bizarre though that may have been, I did not care. I did not care ONE BIT. Because when I actually was handed my little white pharmacy baggie which contained my estradiol and spironolactone, it was as if I had been transported immediately to a completely different world.
The excitement I felt was nuts!! I couldn’t BELIEVE I actually had my meds in hand!!! It seemed absolutely IMPOSSIBLE what I was about to do!! And the fear I felt over so many different unknowns as to what could and would happen, or what might or might not happen – there was so much electricity pulsing through my head in that moment I could hardly even breathe for fear of shorting out!!
So I left Walmart and about ran to my car. It was SOOOOO cold out, but I felt none of it right then and there. I sat down in the driver’s seat of my car, closed the door, turned my car on, opened my white pharmacy baggie, removed the two med bottles within, and just sat there staring at them.
It was an unbelievable moment. Adrenaline, excitement, nervousness, fear, need, love, desperation, joy, hope, wonderment. You name it, and I felt it while sitting there in the car just staring at what was to change my path and my future forever. Just staring at these two pill bottles that would become the beginning of such a tremendous and life-altering change for me was surreal in the extreme.
I knew I needed this, though. I *knew* it. And although I was afraid, there was no doubt within me. There was no hesitation. Hell, I couldn’t even wait to get home to take my first doses of meds.
Sitting there in the cold, dark, snowy, and mostly empty parking lot of Walmart, I opened each bottle, removed the prescribed amount, and took them right then and there in the parking lot. I simply couldn’t wait. And once taken, that was that. My fate was sealed. My path was determined.
Of course, I didn’t understand that at the time, nor could I have. But that is the short and long of it all, and that’s how it’s played out. In fact, I haven’t missed a single day of taking my HRT meds even once since that day.
December 21, 2012, was the day the Mayans predicted the world would end. Clearly, that didn’t happen. But in some weird, bizarre twist of fate, MY world ended that day. Or at least it was the end of my OLD world. Because it was THAT day that began my journey on becoming who I am now, and who I will be in the future. That day changed everything for me. Absolutely everything . . . .
Although I can hardly recall the person I was back then, I remember the day vividly in super sharp detail.
It was a miserable and brutally cold day. I woke up early to travel to Columbus, Ohio, to meet with my HRT doc for my appointment and prescriptions. Snow began to fall and quickly began to cover the roads through the mountains as I drove on to Columbus. The wind howled and blew snow all around the open roads making it difficult to see. But I was determined to make my appointment and get my prescriptions.
In my head, I had to have them, and I had to have them THAT day. Because it was the very next day that I was leaving for South Carolina to visit my family for Christmas. But even more than that, it was just two days after my sister Sandy’s doctors had told her that her cancer has terminal, and that she had only a few months to live at most.
My sister, though, insisted that I NOT reschedule my appointment with my doctor. She and I had talked much about the things she was going through and the things I was going through. My sister Sandy accepted me as no other person has ever accepted me in my life before or since. She knew I needed to start HRT, and I knew I had to be there with her and for her. But she put my needs ahead of her own and made me promise to get my meds first.
So I did. But it was far from easy. Given the horrible weather, the terrible news my sister had received, and my fear and excitement of everything relating to what I was about to do for myself and TO myself by and through HRT made it a very emotionally challenging day to say the least.
Having left the warmth and comfort of my house at around 7:30 am that morning, I finally arrived back home at 8:15 pm that evening. Even though it was a Friday evening, the roads throughout Charleston were basically desolate, given the cold, the ice, and the snow. From parking my car, I walked up and into my house. I was exhausted from the events of the day. It had been an excruciatingly long day. I was worn out. I had my prescriptions in hand and ready to take to a pharmacy the next morning before I left for South Carolina.
Except that I couldn’t wait until the next morning. My thoughts got the better of me. My *need* got the better of me. By that time, it was a little past 8:30 pm, but I simply couldn’t take it anymore.
I began calling pharmacies one by one to see if any were still open. But each pharmacy I called was already closed, until I called the pharmacy at Walmart. They advised me that they were open until 9:00 pm, and that few customers were there due to the poor weather. So without hesitation, I went immediately back to my car and drove up to good ole Walmart.
As promised, the pharmacy was open when I arrived, and the Walmart was practically devoid of people. It was kind of surreal in its own way.
Walking up to the pharmacy attendant, I will admit that I was actually quite nervous doing so. Even though I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I kinda felt like I was still trying to get away with *something* illegal regardless.
Anyways, having not visited a Walmart pharmacy before, I had to fill out all of the first time paper work and all that stuff, which I handed back to the attendant when I completed it. Upon doing so, the attendant told me I could have a seat and wait while the on-duty pharmacist filled my prescription.
So I started to do just that when the pharmacist came back from behind his counter and into the common area where I was. When I saw him walking towards me I *knew* it had something to do with me and the written prescriptions I had given his assistant, but I was unsure what it could be specifically. And because of that, I felt a big, huge knot of nervousness begin to fill my stomach.
The pharmacist made a direct line for me, and introduced himself to me. He seemed pleasant enough, but he was decidedly quite awkward, as his voice and facial expressions betrayed. He explained to me that he wanted to confirm with me that the written prescriptions that I had provided him were indeed what he thought he was reading. I confirmed that they were. Nervously, though, and still unsure of himself and me, he asked me two more times if he had read the prescriptions correctly. I kind of laughed and acknowledged that it must seem somewhat odd and different, which he nervously laughed in acknowledgement of, but with that reassurance, he nodded in affirmation and went back and filled my prescriptions.
Bizarre though that may have been, I did not care. I did not care ONE BIT. Because when I actually was handed my little white pharmacy baggie which contained my estradiol and spironolactone, it was as if I had been transported immediately to a completely different world.
The excitement I felt was nuts!! I couldn’t BELIEVE I actually had my meds in hand!!! It seemed absolutely IMPOSSIBLE what I was about to do!! And the fear I felt over so many different unknowns as to what could and would happen, or what might or might not happen – there was so much electricity pulsing through my head in that moment I could hardly even breathe for fear of shorting out!!
So I left Walmart and about ran to my car. It was SOOOOO cold out, but I felt none of it right then and there. I sat down in the driver’s seat of my car, closed the door, turned my car on, opened my white pharmacy baggie, removed the two med bottles within, and just sat there staring at them.
It was an unbelievable moment. Adrenaline, excitement, nervousness, fear, need, love, desperation, joy, hope, wonderment. You name it, and I felt it while sitting there in the car just staring at what was to change my path and my future forever. Just staring at these two pill bottles that would become the beginning of such a tremendous and life-altering change for me was surreal in the extreme.
I knew I needed this, though. I *knew* it. And although I was afraid, there was no doubt within me. There was no hesitation. Hell, I couldn’t even wait to get home to take my first doses of meds.
Sitting there in the cold, dark, snowy, and mostly empty parking lot of Walmart, I opened each bottle, removed the prescribed amount, and took them right then and there in the parking lot. I simply couldn’t wait. And once taken, that was that. My fate was sealed. My path was determined.
Of course, I didn’t understand that at the time, nor could I have. But that is the short and long of it all, and that’s how it’s played out. In fact, I haven’t missed a single day of taking my HRT meds even once since that day.
December 21, 2012, was the day the Mayans predicted the world would end. Clearly, that didn’t happen. But in some weird, bizarre twist of fate, MY world ended that day. Or at least it was the end of my OLD world. Because it was THAT day that began my journey on becoming who I am now, and who I will be in the future. That day changed everything for me. Absolutely everything . . . .