At the end of the day...

[Leah Lynn]

I look in the mirror and all I see is a FAT... UGLY... ANGRY... LONELY... OLD... man.


Leah

[Sheila11]

Sometimes it just feels that way. Leave it to the poets.
As the songs say:
Sometimes your the bat. Sometimes your the ball.
But......
The sun will come up tomorrow.

[Starling]

I know just what you mean, Leah. When that's what you see, don't spend too much time staring at yourself. Look out at the world in its incredible variety and concentrate on how great it feels to be yourself, finally.

:) Lallie

[kimdl93]

Good reason to avoid mirrors. We can't do much about age, and beauty is subjective. However, you can change the feelings. Loneliness, as my mom said, can be viewed as solitude. Anger is a chosen response to something. Find what provokes this anger and try ask if there might be another way to respond.

As for seeing a man, look again and deeper.

[whowhatwhen]

I know how you feel but consider this.
I find that quite a lot of transwomen are unnecessarily critical of their own appearance.

Unfortunately it's a harsh fact of life that many of us won't pass but that doesn't mean we're ugly, we deserve better than to put ourselves down.

[celeste26]

Check out this you tube video www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd3DYvBGyFs short of a long course of therapy.

Just remember that anger and hatred are not the opposite of love, without the same sort of attachment there is simply not enough energy for hatred or anger. The opposite of love is "I dont care at all." So clearly you still care alot about what you see there.

Lastly breathe deeply, relax and love yourself. Stay away from the mirror for awhile too.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I mean no disrespect, but if life sucks, consider travelling to a 3rd world country- see what human misery can really look like. I note your list doesn't include SICK or POOR or STARVING or BLIND or HIV+ or TORTURED or PERSECUTED.

I've just taken a magnifying glass to your avatar and you don't look either FAT or UGLY or OLD to me.

Lonely is something you can do something about- and so is angry, but you've got to want to.

Do you want to?

[donnalee]

Sometime anger is what gets you through the tough places if you can channel it into determination to succeed. Use that determination to forge a path for yourself, as calmly, thoughtfully and coldly as you can. Use it to make things the way you want once you decide what that path entails. Then do it. Self-hatred won't get you anywhere but miserable.

[Barbara Ella]

There is a saying that I cannot recall exactly, to the effect...Grant me the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to recognize what cannot be changed.

At 68 I look in the mirror at times and see exactly what you describe, and I have no like for what i see, but that is me and is what i will have until I am gone. I do spend much more time working on my internal perception and feelings, and I love the woman i am inside and strive to make her a better and more engaging person every chance I get. Successful or not, who knows, it is only for me and a greater sense of peace, and increased knowledge that my external distress is what it is.

You are a beautiful woman, get to know her better.

Barbara

[Cheryl123]

A little tough love here, babe. If you want to feel fat, ugly, angry and lonely that's your business and no one's going to stop you. We're all responsible for how how we feel, and the only way things will get better is when you make them better. No one will come to rescue you. If you don't want to feel this way, then do something about it. I love you to death, Leah. So get with it.

[Lori Kurtz]

I can relate--when I dressed up it was always important to me to be a hot, sexy babe. There is no way, at this stage of my life, that I can ever reproduce that look. It's a loss--just one of the many losses of aging. But it's also one more of the little lessons that we can learn about women, thanks to our place somewhere in between male and female on the gender spectrum. One thing I learned in my sexy-girl days was how vulnerable a girl can be to the unwanted attention of aggressive males. At least I had the advantage over GGs that I could return to male mode and not have to worry about unwanted attention. Likewise, now that I'm older, I've lost something: my ability to appear as a sexually appealing woman. Women of my age have also lost that, but for me, it was just an enjoyable sexual activity that I lost. For GGs it's their whole identity. For aging males, looks are not as important as they are for women, and a lot of us age a lot better than most women anyway. I would look ridiculous as an old lady, but I'm not at all dissatisfied with my aging-guy looks. I can't succeed in the looks department as a woman, but at least I can be the decent-looking aging man that I am biologically. Aging women have no such refuge--they're still the aging woman that they don't like to see in the mirror.

[Rianna Humble]

Lori, you may not have notied this is the TS Forum. Leah doesn't have the luxury of going back to being an ageing man.

@Leah, If all you see when you look in the mirror is what you describe, then only use mirrors when it is unavoidable. Sometimes, though, you just have to let go and accept what others see.

[RADER]

I agree; However, every day you get older, and you can do nothing about it.
SO keep smiling, and use a little more make-up. LOL
Rader

[Leah Lynn]

Thanks, ladies. I had to put in a 14 hour day, yesterday, and was probably more tired and frustrated than anything else. I still work in male mode, and working 10 to 18 hours a day doesn't leave much time to be me. I can't remember the last time I put on makeup. And, yes, I've been looking for a better job for two years, now. Not many people looking to hire 63 year olds with some health issues, not to mention trying to transition.

Your words of encouragement have lifted my spirits. Thank you!

Hugs,

Leah

[Nicole Erin]

There is a saying that I cannot recall exactly, to the effect...Grant me the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to recognize what cannot be changed.


Prayer of serenity.
Dear (higher power),
Please grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept those things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who piss me off. And help me to remember that the toes I step on today might be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow.

[Leanne2]

Leah, Tell that man standing behind you in the mirror to get out of your house. You are a woman and never want to see him again. Then believe it. Leanne

[Promethea]

Leah, that is not what I see when I look at your picture. Take that mirror to the store for a refund, it´s defective.

I see the same sometimes. Then I look again. I´m with Kim, look deeper. Start with the eyes, that´s how a friend of mine got some guy who kept saying I couldn´t be a woman because I had beard shadow to accept it and even say I was pretty. And then there´s the whole window to the soul thing, of course :P

[noeleena]

Hi,

Lonely old man ...... ugly angry and fat ....OH....your younger than myself

What im not ,

lonely angry ugly sure not fat unhappy or hate my body or what i dont have ,

What i am is .

one happy contented female who is a woman and who grow into being one ,

I could site a lot of issues i have and problems about my self from before birth and during and after , that are life long and i have to contend with . you know what i really cant be bothered because i would spend my time -life doing nothing for what to be bloody miserable no thanks thats no life ,

For a kid whos been grilled and put through the grinder i was happy and allways smiling and through my life i still am ,

I was happy with my body and yes its the right one for me, regardless of body parts missing and others mixed in = organs= and hormones yet they have worked in my favour i have advantages that out weighed what i missed out on during my life .

So when you accept your self and who you are , and that means yes your body youll start to be alive more at peace with who you are, and start to smell those rose,s and take in the beauty around your self and see a beauty in who you are,

you know what you are only seeing what you wont to or maybe not and you miss your inner beauty , what makes you ,,,you ..just how you look .....only...... .

Lori,

You talked about being dressed sexy . and attention from men ,

Im not sexy for a female i have lovely skin and commented on that, i dont use makeup yet i am getting quite a lot of attention from males for sure over the last month or so . i dress nicely and present well sure not a hot sexy woman yet i am being noted. at 67 im fit active on the move and enjoy my life , you know why i looked after my self from age 10 on and i knew to do that .

When you accept your self and be who you are and allow others to accept who you are , you may find a happyness youv never had before .

...noeleena...