I wonder if I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life

[PaulaQ]

Robin, from Dr. Bower's office called me this afternoon. There was a cancellation for GCS, and instead of a surgery date of Feb 2016, they could get me in this coming February 2015! I was initially thrilled - that's an understatement. When she asked me if I wanted the slot, I said "Oh HELL YES!" I didn't know if I had enough money yet to do this - my insurance covers GCS (I'm very fortunate), but they haven't been able to get my insurance company to approve the surgery yet. Still, I was pretty sure I'd find a way.

And then I realized something. I'm more or less leading a local trans support organization here in Dallas. I have a lot of responsibilities - ones that I won't be able to easily fulfill while I'm down from the surgery. I know, right this minute, there is more or less no one to cover for me. Nobody. There are a lot of trans* I reach out to that will probably never have a chance at GCS. I felt really guilty about that - especially since I really don't know what the organization would do. (I'd planned to have others recruited by my surgery date in 2016.)

So I told her "no, please offer the earlier date to another." I just couldn't, in good conscience, drop all this stuff I'm doing with basically no notice.

And yet now I sit here, looking at the horrible stuff down there, and wondering "What in the HELL were you thinking? You should have said yes."

I hope nothing happens that interferes with me using the later date. I won't let my volunteering do that - but who knows what will happen to me financially by 2016, that stuff isn't always totally under our control.

I really hope I haven't made a dreadful mistake. If something happens and I can't do this in the future, I know I will never forgive myself.

[Aprilrain]

Call them back, the slot may still be available.

[BOBBI G.]

Sounded to me as though You were thinking as a woman, thinking of the others before your self. I'm sure that whatever date you end up with your people will support the decision and survive until your return. Could just be the catalyst needed for some making up their minds.

Bobbi

[Aprilrain]

Sounded to me as though You were thinking as a woman, thinking of the others before your self.

A bit sexist, don't you think? Both men and women have the capacity to be generous and selfish. Most people are probably a bit of both depending on circumstances.

Paula, I was also called and offered an earlier date but had already made all of the flight and travel arrangements so I had to declined as well.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow Bobbi, yikes..



I've made a lot of decisions in my life and I know that if I sleep on a decision I often "just know" if I made the right or wrong one for me.

I agree that you could consider calling back right away, one year is both a long time and not a long time if that makes any sense.

No matter what, in this position do what's right for YOU. the people you are helping will have to make due until you are ready to help them again, you have to take care of yourself first.

..added... Plus now you know that cancellations happen... depending on your travel and life flexibility , you may get other opportunities and that's another option to talk to them about if you choose to call back.

[Jorja]

First, I would think everyone involved in the programs and things you are involved in would understand if you chose to have GRS in February. Most would jump at the chance to have it done sooner than later. I would call back ASAP and see if it is still open.

[Jean 103]

You know your work situation and what it will take to cover for you in your absence. If I was in the same situation, I think I would work around the clock to make it work. I worked for a company years ago where I literally did that for three months to get an order out. I owner wanted me to train two people only to lay them off a few months later. I felt it was easier just to do the work myself. I was salary no overtime, but I did get a big bonus when the job shipped. Whatever it takes call them back.

[Eringirl]

Hi Paula:

Just my opinion, and I know I am the newbie here, but I would call back to see if it is still available! Unless of course, you truly believe the 2016 is better suited to you and your timeline/situation.

As for the support group, I am sure they would understand...after all, support groups are supposed to be a two way street, both give and get support. Your dedication is laudable, but sometimes you have to put yourself first to better be able to serve others in the long run.

Erin

[Lori Kurtz]

I agree with the other girls. You need to make your decisions based on what is best for you. The rest of the world needs to deal with that. I have no doubt that you are important in your trans group, but sometimes we overstate our own importance. What would happen if you died or became disabled? They'd find a way to muddle through, that's what would happen. Maybe, in fact, this would be a good moment for the other members to examine themselves and think about how much they offer the group, and whether they ought to do more. See if you can get that 2015 date back. If not, okay, make the best of this coming year and prepare for 2016. Best of luck with however it turns out.

[Bria]

I'd bet that if the support group knew that you could take the earlier date, that someone would step up to the plate and fill in for you during your recovery. In volunteer organizations it is easy to let others do the work without offering to help until there is a real need, so don't be bashful about asking for help!

Hugs, Bria

[Promethea]

Go for it, Paula! You can probably still get it, and I agree the people from the support group will be very thrilled for you and do whatever it takes to make it possible for you. And if it´s now taken, you know you missed it for good reasons.

[kimdl93]

Nah, it wasn't the biggest mistake in your life. It's not even a mistake. If it was now or never, I'd say now...but that's not the case. You have another bite at the apple coming next year, and it sounds like you have your hands full right now.

[Leona]

You have your responsibilities, and carrying them out may have some benefit for you. There's no need to take the earlier slot, unless it's as it were suggested a "now or never" situation. If it's a "now or when you'd previously scheduled it", stick to your plan.

It's your plan. You made it for a reason. You're preparing for THAT plan. Don't change it just because you have an opportunity to do it earlier.

Every time you go to the grocery store, you have an opportunity to buy junk food. Do you always take advantage of that opportunity? (Note: I'm not trying to paint GCS as "junk food", simply trying to make a comparison in terms of scheduling)

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone. I'm better now. I talked to my boyfriend, that helped. Your thought s here, also helped. My boyfriend just accepts me as I am, anatomy and all. That isn't the issue, really, but it sure went down smooth hearing it this afternoon.

I try not to worry about things over which I have no control. Having this choice made me feel I had control, and to defer meant losing control. That's kind of silly. I was worried that it could actually be "now or never", but that I wouldn't realize that until the "or never" point

Thinking about all this kind of made my dysphoria flare up, and kick me in the head.

I'll be ok, I really will.

[Michelle789]

Paula, Cody says the exact same thing to me. He accepts me as I am. Whether or not I get the surgery, he accepts me as I am. He still sees me as a woman even if I'm all naked with no wig, 5:00 shadow still showing, no breast forms, and with my male parts. Although my real breasts are starting to grow so I will soon be dropping my breast forms.

He tells me that I am all woman to him. He always tells me how beautiful I am. I remember speaking with another transwoman who is in a relationship with a transman, and she says he tells her the exact same things that Cody says to me.

That is one real perk of dating transmen - they get us, and we get them. They accept us as women regardless of what anatomy we have, or whether or not we pass, and regardless of any other male features we may still have.

[MarieTS]

Paula, I agree with pretty much what everyone has said. I think I would jump at your opportunity in a new york second. But now let me touch on something no one else has, not to pick, but to support. You must ask yourself if perhaps there is some sub-concious apprehension. It is a big step. Better to re-evaluate now than after the fact. As they say, "things happen for a reason."
Best wishes no matter which time-table you follow. Your contributions to our population have been incredible--thank you for all that you do!

[Starling]

It's kind and selfless of you to wait a year in order to help others, Paula, but please don't feel guilty because you are able to have surgery and others are not. Enjoy your good fortune, and spread the good feelings, whatever you decide to do right now.

:) Lallie

[Valerie Sparks]

Paula and Michelle,

You are both so fortunate to have someone who appreciates you as you are. Follow your instincts as they will guide you.

Valerie

[PaulaQ]

You must ask yourself if perhaps there is some sub-concious apprehension. It is a big step. Better to re-evaluate now than after the fact. As they say, "things happen for a reason."

Yeah, I thought about that myself - the question of "am I using something else - volunteerism for crissakes - to delay this because I'm usure it's right for me?"

I really think the bottom line is in addition to it being a bad time as a volunteer, its just sooner than I'm ready for in several practical ways:
1. I don't have any of my pre-SRS prep electrology done down there.
2. They haven't had time to get my claim filed with insurance and received pre-approval yet. I might have to pay for this upfront, totally out of pocket. I am not ready for that.
3. I need one more letter. (Working on that now!)
4. It isn't clear who would go along with me while I stay in California
5. I gotta book travel - and pay for all that.

I'd planned to be ready for all that WAY before Feb. 2016 - but I'm not there yet.

I am going to pick up the pace on preparation, I can tell you that, so that if another early opportunity presents itself, I'll be able to take it.

I know I don't have any doubt about whether or not SRS is right for me. It is. I hate looking down there and seeing that thing. I hate that it is in anyway involved with my sex life - that is quite unpleasant, but sometimes necessary. I hate the horrible nightmares I have about that thing. There is no doubt in my mind that it has got to go!

[Kate T]

Paula

Look, we rarely seem to agree. That is just the way things are sometimes. However I understand your OP, did I just pass up a huge opportunity. I don't think there is a right or wrong, go ahead / not go ahead. However I do acknowledge and admire your willingness to give this up in order to help others. You appear to have a fairly clear pathway to your GRS in 2016. I would say stick to it and in the end all will be well.

[flatlander_48]

My grandmother was fond of saying: "Act in haste, repent at leisure.". This situation is a monumental step in a number of ways; both physical and emotional. It is also very taxing, physically and emotionally. To move so quickly could cause some of the preparations to be compromised and that makes it a big risk. It would seem to me that this is a situation where no compromises can be tolerated in order to give the best chances for success and recovery.

Many years ago when I quit smoking, my motivation as I thought, was for the good of my children. Eventually I figured out that this wasn't quite right. What I realized is that I must do whatever because it is good for ME. I have to take ownership. If I didn't, it becomes very easy to pass off my failures and blame someone else.