People CAN change. A bit.

[I Am Paula]

I haven't mentioned my in laws for a long time. They were always the thorn in my side, but I've been lucky in that I could ignore them.
As a recap- My Father in Law, and his son, absolutely celebrate their ignorance. They sit at their farm, oblivious to everything going on in the world, and take the occasional pot shot at anything that just isn't quite right, to them.
Needless to say, my transition did not go over too well with them, and they quickly nicknamed me 'The Homo'. Cute. I have responded to this by merely distancing myself from them. No point confronting them. Last Christmas I simply dropped off my wife at the farm, and went home. I last saw them on Thanksgiving, where they ignored me. Fine.
Neither of them drive, one because he's scared to, and the other has 9 DUI's (???). Yesterday the Son asked me for a ride into town to do some Christmas shopping. I was surprised to say the least. I picked him up, and we had a quiet 20 min. drive.
We were walking the aisles at Bulk Barn, when he suddenly said "You would prefer if I called you Paula, and she, wouldn't you?" I was floored. "It will be hard at first, so pardon if I forget, and Dad said he'll try his best too".
For the rest of the shopping trip, he gendered me correctly, and bought me breakfast.
He and F in L have agreed to come to our house for Christmas. I'm not expecting miracles, but just the fact that they are coming is pretty close to one. We will never be friends, but we are family.

Since I've never seen someone do their Christmas shopping at Bulk Barn before, I can assume I'll be getting some slightly dusty chocolate covered almonds from one of them.

Merry Christmas!

[Eringirl]

Hey Paula: Well, that is a surprise!! I think you are wise, just go with the flow, expect little and you won't be disappointed. But glad these relationships are getting better and not worse....baby steps on their part. That may be as far as they get, but it is an improvement !!

Happy Holidays to you and yours!!

Erin

[kimdl93]

Never been to Bulk Barn, but Ya gotta love the name, and it seems to have remarkable healing powers. It does seem that people can surprise you. And if these two people, living in relative isolation can change even a bit, wow, surely society can as well. Truly a Christmas miracle!

[Michelle.M]

That is a lovely story, and so fitting for this time of year! I'm happy for you!

[Judith96a]

I wonder exactly what your wife said to them last Christmas, or after Thanksgiving? An indignant daughter can be VERY hard to ignore!

[Kimberly Kael]

That's amazing and very encouraging to hear, Paula. Congratulations on the unexpected breakthrough.

[Nicole Erin]

Doing good there actually.
Some men do struggle with accepting or even tolerating TS but you have to give them credit for trying. I wouldn't rub the subject in their faces, like don;t talk about it unless they ask questions, you know the drill.
Other - I assume Bulk Barn isn't the fanciest shop in the world?
These guys don;t sound too bad really. They are making an attempt to be tolerant and they actually Xmas shop. I mean there are plenty worse out there.

Thing is - NINE DUI's? He got caught NINE times? I thought someone would be doing serious time in an actual prison before that point.

[Bria]

Maybe not quite what one might hope for, but a welcome change. They have at least acknowledged who you are now. To them you have changed a lot in the last couple of years and it is taking them a while to catch up, hopefully the catch up will continue.

You can chose your friends, but not your family, soooo we just have to make do with what we get in that department!

Hugs, Bria

[Jorja]

Granted, it is not perfect but this is where it starts, Paula. With time and a little give and take on both sides, you will see a huge change in your family dynamics. At least you will not be slaughtering each other at first sight. It is not going to happen overnight. It may not be easy but you are on the right track.

[Lorileah]

Yey! :twirl:. My first read of the day and this was it. It was something I needed and I am so happy that this little landmark has happened for you. Sometimes we know why, sometimes we don't. But we just accept each little victory as it comes

[charlenesomeone]

Paula that sounds really positive. Hope it continues and you have a Merry Christmas.
Hugs

[Promethea]

Paula, he gave you your present already, don´t you see?

He gendered you correctly the whole trip? Heck, I know people who claim to be accepting, who didn´t meet me as "him", and yet can´t gender me correctly if they life depended on it. It seems to me he changed more than a bit. He obviously put in a lot of effort.

Enjoy your holiday! I hope everything goes as smoothly as that shopping trip.

[I Am Paula]

"Thing is - NINE DUI's? He got caught NINE times? I thought someone would be doing serious time in an actual prison before that point. "-Nicole Erin

For some bizarre reason, the judge always accepts his argument that he is needed on the farm, and they give him weekends in jail, or no time at all if it's harvest. The longest he's done is three weeks, hardly a deterrent.

[DebbieL]

Congratulation Paula, you did several things right.
First, you did not blow up at them or antagonize them when they were abusive to you, which meant you gained your wife's respect for your patience.
Second, you established the boundaries - if they would not treat you with respect and dignity, then you made alternative arrangement - dropped wife off and left.
Third, you responded to their request for help with compassion and kindness - your wife could have driven them, but she took your side.
Fourth, you didn't press the issue when you were helping them, you let them be silent, let them process you, let them experience you - without a fight.
Fifth, you waited until he spoke, allowing him the time and space to be contrite and apologize.
Sixth, you accepted their apology at face value, allowing them to try and make a fresh start.
Seventh, you noticed and encouraged their positive behaviors when they started treating you in a more positive way.

You should tell you wife how much kinder they were to you, and about their apology. There was a good chance that your wife may have been ready to distance herself from her own family because she loves you. She may have also taken some abuse herself, and may have suffered some abuse long before she met you.

Make sure you do something wonderful for your wife, to thank her for WHATEVER role she may have played in this reconciliation.

If you keep showing this kind of kindness, compassion, and serenity, they may become truly accepting of the fact that you really ARE Paula, and always have been inside. More important - your wife will realize that your kindness, compassion, generosity, and serenity are EXACTLY what attracted her to you in the first place, and that these are traits she probably wouldn't have found in a guy who was just like dad or even like her brother.

I had a similar experience last year, and because I was willing to let them have their space and make alternative plans rather than try to pretend to be Rex (while "hiding" 38C breasts), they were willing to "try it for Thanksgiving" and by Christmas, the whole family realized that they liked Debbie MUCH MORE than Rex. This Thanksgiving and for the family Christmas get-together, I got hugs from all the men and women, and all referred to me as Debbie. The one person who said something snarky like "At least I'm not as bad as Rex..." is now out of the family. He's been apologizing for three weeks, but in attacking me he showed his true colors, and my sister-in-law told him she didn't want to see him anymore.

[kimdl93]

"Thing is - NINE DUI's? He got caught NINE times? I thought someone would be doing serious time in an actual prison before that point. "-Nicole Erin

For some bizarre reason, the judge always accepts his argument that he is needed on the farm, and they give him weekends in jail, or no time at all if it's harvest. The longest he's done is three weeks, hardly a deterrent.

Wow! In some strange way he has lived a charmed life. Neither dead, nor killed anyone nor serving a long term sentence. I'm not going to judge...I've certainly been behind the wheel when I shouldn't have, particularly in my youth, but managed to avoid an arrest. All the more amazing that he and his father have softened their views at all.

[Rachel Smith]

Thanks for the positive post Paula. It gives me hope for my daughter to come around besides just when she wants something.

[Leah Lynn]

'Tis the season for miracles! Hope it starts here and just gets better...

Hugs,

Leah

[lingerieLiz]

You have to understand them there farm communities take care of one another. Farm'n comes first and after all he didn't harm nuth'n. They would probably like you a whole lot more if you went out and helped with the chores or better yet go hunt'n.

[becky77]

That's pretty amazing considering their background.
Good for you I hope it continues.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Thats lovely ,

and never ever write any one off as a dead lose you know why and this applys to men i,v been wacked if you like and have seen the turn around i would never have expected yet its happened to me many times , as i say i can wait if its a year or 10 ill have them on my side , so i dont argue or harp on some thing changes in them and they become your friend, and accept you ,

...noeleena...

[PretzelGirl]

I love it! A great example why taking the high road instead of instigating situations may pay off. I am happy for you. It may not mean a lot for direct personal relationships with them, but I am guessing it is meaningful to your wife which means a lot.