Now I´m some murderer

[Promethea]

Gosh... a few weeks ago I came out to my parents, via e-mail, since we have no other means of communication right now. They said they would try and be with me, but it´s been so hard....

At first they addressed me by the short form of my masculine name, saying they thought it was neutral enough (in theory the short for IS gender neutral, as it can be short for several masculine or feminine names, but it does refer to that name which is not mine after all). I asked them not to do that, and told them my new name. They don´t call me anything anymore. They just open their emails with "Hello" or go just straight to writing the body with no greeting. They also avoid using any gendered words (which in Spanish is a huge linguistic feat)

They keep telling me how upset and worried about me they are.

I told them I´m coming out to the rest of the family, acquaintances and friends who don´t know I´m full time. Being full time, there is no point in not being out to anybody, so the fastest and easiest way to do this is, like it or not, facebook. They don´t want me to do it. They asked me to email the family instead, and told me they give me the email addresses of all the relatives I want. It´s a huge family, very very difficult not to forget somebody. For me just posting on FB explaining why the name on the account will be changed (and a bit more) is more immediate. I feel they are ashamed, that they are afraid of what some people they know may say or think about them. They specifically mentioned some private things two of my cousins posted seeking approval. However being trans is hardly private (well, maybe you can choose to make it private after years of HRT, getting GRS, etc. and only for new people you meet, and that´s not what I´m talking about here), when I meet all those people again they will notice it before they noticed if I´m more tanned than last time they saw me.

And now they told me they lost their son, that they don´t know where he is, but they don´t have him anymore and instead of him there is a different person.... As if I had kidnapped that fella and replaced him... it´s my fault, I took him away, even if he was never really there....

Why do they have to say those things.... I rationally KNOW I don´t have to, but I feel like the worst person ever....

[kimdl93]

Well, when you don't understand why people say things a good exercise is to put yourself into their shoes...take some time to imagine as closely as you can how your parents or others might react and why. It doesn't mean it's right, but it will help you have compassion for them and the situation as they perspective it. Understanding will enable you to communicate more effectively.

For example, think about why they feel they have lost a son to some stranger. What causes that impression besides the obvious, of course, and what can you do to assure them that you are, essentially,mother person you always have been?

[Megan Thomas]

I totally get why you feel the way you do about the situation. However, give some thought to their idea to email relatives rather than using FB. Perhaps email your closest relatives first and delay a FB announcement a little while. It might earn you some brownie points and hardly does you any harm.

[Jorja]

Yes, it totally sucks when our loved ones can't accept us. The best advice I can give you is to just forget it and move on with your transition. I mean, who are you transitioning for, yourself or your loved ones? Do what you have to do to make living your life bearable for yourself. As you progress and they see that you are going to be just fine, they might come around.

[PaulaQ]

Why do they have to say those things.... I rationally KNOW I don´t have to, but I feel like the worst person ever....

Because it's all about them. Just ask them - when we start our transition, it is, nearly without exception, about everyone else but us. Feel like you are ready to die because you can't take another second of living a total lie? Hate yourself? Hate your life? Always had these feelings? Meh - those pale in comparison to the inconvenience and embarrassment this causes them. I mean, the horror - their child is a transsexual. What will the neighbors think?

So when you start to feel bad about "putting them through this," just remember a few things:
1. You didn't ask for this. Indeed, there were probably signs they overlooked.
2. YOU are the one going through one of the most personally difficult things a person can attempt - gender transition. You've been miserable - they are just embarrassed.
3. And yet they'll accuse YOU of being selfish because they can't deal with your changes. They'd probably be perfectly happy if you just swallowed all of this, and lived your life in quiet desperation, without embarrassing them.

So when you feel like the "worst person ever", you think about that stuff and see if maybe they are really the ones who aren't being terribly high quality people.

To be a little more generous to your folks - they are grieving. They are also in shock. And they are, very possibly, quite transphobic. They don't understand what you are going through. They probably don't want to have to understand, and resent that this new, unwanted thing is being thrust into their lives.

Frankly, they need to get over themselves. Unfortunately, it can take quite a while for some people to come around. Others do it relatively quickly, and some never do. I wish I could tell you that it'll all be OK. It may be - or it may not be. And if it is OK later, it may take a long time for them to come around. I have a friend here - she's fully transitioned. Her parents are not very accepting. They keep wanting to use her male name, and male pronouns when referring to her. They'll do this in public - she's like 3 years in, she's had FFS, her voice is great, and when they tell the waiter "Oh, go ahead and take HIS order", they look freaking senile. Believe it or not - this represents major progress for them. (No joking.)

My sister accepted me immediately. My mom kind of gets it - but is terrified to learn anything about what I'm going through, or ask me about it. My old friends? All but one of them are basically gone.

I know many others who's folks write them off entirely. That is cruel and unimaginable to me - the same people who do that would probably visit a child who was in prison.

I wish I could tell you there was a way to make all of this feel better. All I can suggest is for you to be patient, but stick to your guns. I will say that a FB post will probably have more negative reactions than you'll care for. (I did it, after coming out in person to all those close to me. It didn't work well for me, either.) But I definitely think you should come out, by whatever means you choose. You may get some positive reactions from people out of it all, by the way. You really never know how people will react to something like this.

[Majella St Gerard]

do what ever you want to do, it's your life not theirs. If they can't handle it then that's their problem. Don't let others dictate how to live your life. It's not about them, it's about you.

[arbon]

And now they told me they lost their son, that they don´t know where he is, but they don´t have him anymore and instead of him there is a different person.... As if I had kidnapped that fella and replaced him... it´s my fault, I took him away, even if he was never really there....

I get where they feel like that. It is really hard for people that knew us so closely. My mom lost her son, my brother and sister lost their brother, my wife lost her husband, my daughter lost her dad. The man they thought they knew, who they thought they loved, disappeared. I smashed him to bits, this person they knew, in front of their eyes. They were powerless to stop me.

It can be heartbreaking for those people we mean a lot to, it is almost like a death. Then they have to get to know you all over again. The thing is they are trying to get to know you again at the same time you are going through all these gigantic changes in your life and you haven't even figured out who you are yourself. Its not so simple to just say you are the same person you have always been on the inside that they just couldn't see. It is way more complicated than that from what I have experienced and seen with others.

We often have a tendency to brush aside, or be blind to just how much of an impact our transitions have on the lives of those who loved us before. They experience loss, grieving, confusion, embarrassment...tons of fear. They don't get it right away and we feel hurt that they are not supporting us the way we want them to.

I have been transitioned for a while, and I still feel guilty. My wife still keeps pictures of her husband beside her bed and it makes me sad
because I took away the man she loved. She still misses him and grieves. I did it so I could be me, the person I am today - which is not him. Transition can be costly, and it is not just us burdened with that cost.

As for coming out on FB or email, either way it will be done and behind you and people will get over it.

[Starling]

I'm sorry you're facing so much resistance, Promethea. I hope the incredibly kind and wise words of PaulaQ, Jorja, Arbon and the others have given you some encouragement and comfort. If only this resource--and these wonderful people--had been available years ago!

:) Lallie

[PretzelGirl]

I am one that believes that we aren't just transitioning ourselves, but our complete environment. People are part of our environment. Some things, like name changes, just take the signature of a judge and it is a done deal. But people are not that way. The transition takes time for them too.

So you have to do things at your pace as that is the ultimate consideration. But you are transitioning their view of you and your relationship with them. For some people, it may not be worth any effort to help it along. But for people you care about, take the time to talk to them and give them considerations where it fits within your plans. Don't change your path, but some thoughts for our loved ones should be able to fit into our available time.

[KellyJameson]

Our humanity can turn against us and harm us.

This is that quality that makes you pause and reflect on how your actions will affect another and if you will cause harm, to stop what you are doing or find another way to aquire what you want or need without hurting anyone.

We make thousands of decisions and act on them daily in an attempt to find our way through life and the relationship you end up having with yourself at the end of the day and at the end of your life will be the cumulative result of all these decisions.

We are constantly creating ourselves by how we live.

For those who need to "feel good about themselves" as that feeling that comes from treating your fellow travelers and creatures through life "good", transitioning can be a guilt ridden experience because it is almost imposible to do it without hurting someone and usually it is not just one person but many people.

There will be times when you will hate yourself for "being so selfish" and this is good because it means your humanity is intact.

There will be times when you will fear losing the love that has brought comfort and pleasure into your life and this is good because it means your humanity is intact.

To transition and remain human we must "suffer our humanity" but we also transition to "find and fulfill it".

Transitioning is giving the gift of life to yourself while witnessing others as seeing your death.

Be gentle with them but remain steadfast in your search for that unborn self that is there but no matter what you do does not seem to ever have a voice to speak with.

That self always imprisioned by some invisible force that cannot be freed no matter what you do. A force that twists everything into opposites leaving you living contrary to everything and everyone.

Transitioning has made me "more human" as deepening my capacity for love because I am no longer at war with myself and by extension everyone else. I'm at peace now and finally comfortable inside this shell I inhabit.

In the end you bring this back into the world and enrich the lives of others and they experience you "for the first time"

Relationships are vital to life but the relationship you have with yourself determines and shapes all the relationships you have with others.

It starts with you and your humanity.

To protect and nurture our humanity we must not deny ourselves while never forgetting others.

This sometimes means lots of shared tears.

[Kate T]

Promethea

To them they ARE losing a son. They are in a grieving process. Look up the stages of grief (do an internet search). It sounds like they are in the early anger stage where they will lash out with undeserved blame at anyone. It is an extremely common part of the grieving process. Hopefully soon they will move on from anger to sadness ("Why me" stage of grief) then ultimately acceptance.

Much of this process lies with them. However you can help them through it. Don't mirror their anger. Show them compassion. Show them you understand their grief, sympathise with them. Try and understand WHY they think they have lost their son BUT at the same time emphasise that you still love them and that they have NOT lost their CHILD.

Most of all give them some time. A couple of weeks is not long in the grief process. They have already progressed through denial. Give them a chance to catch up.