"You look so sad..."

[PaulaQ]

My mom said this to me yesterday. I was over at my sister's, for Christmas. We were sitting around, after lunch and opening presents, just talking. Or rather they were. I wasn't saying much. It was nice to be there, but I wasn't exactly engaged in the conversation. I'd tried to talk about what was going on in my life earlier in the afternoon, and realized that nobody present wanted to hear a thing about it. So I just shut up. I felt pretty good about some of the stuff going on in my life, but I was definitely not going to get the opportunity to say much about it.

I mean, it was pleasant enough there. Mom likes my boyfriend - there's something I never expected - and is delighted that I'm "happy." I mean, I guess she's delighted. I am pretty happy now, but we don't ever really talk about that's difficult or unpleasant. Since a lot of my life is difficult now, it just means we don't talk about anything, really.

So I was kind of sad. I was sitting there, kind of wishing I could talk about stuff I was happy about, or proud of, and realizing that I couldn't. And I realized something. I now live in my departed, long closeted gay uncle's old condo. (His sexual orientation was a big family secret, nobody talked about it, everybody knew. We don't talk about things like that, it would be - unpleasant.) He never talked about his life either in family gatherings - I learned more about him after he died from coworkers and colleagues than I ever did from family gatherings. And I realized something - I knew exactly how he must've felt.

So my boyfriend and I said our goodbyes, and left after a while. Pretty much the same as my uncle, although he wouldn't have stayed as long as I did.

As we were driving away, I thanked my boyfriend for picking up on my discomfort, and helping to make our exit. I told him "I guess I lot my game face there at the end, and they could tell what I was thinking." He could relate when he deals with his family.

I did learn one thing though - they read my facebook page. I didn't know that - they never comment on it, at least not that I can remember.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I know the feeling. That's pretty much the way I felt at my sister's on Thursday. Even though I've been out to my family for over a year, they still call me by my old name. So as nice as they were to me, it still stung every time someone called my (old) name or referred to me with masculine pronouns. As I hugged my sister to say goodbye, she said to me, "you should come over more often." But I couldn't bring myself to tell her that as much as I would like that, it hurts too much. I'm so afraid of losing my family that I can't bring myself to have that conversation. This is something I've been working with my therapist on. But every time I talk to my family, I just hold it in and then go back home and cry. I hope that soon I will have the courage to stand up and tell them how I really feel.

[Dawn cd]

This is sad. But maybe they don't know HOW to to talk about it--what words to use or how to raise the subject. Also, it's hard to do with a lot of people around. Better one-to-one. It's up to you to give some of them--the more sensitives ones--a way of talking about what you're experiencing. You need to educate them. Start small with one or two, and eventually the rest might catch on.

[DebbieL]

Were you there as Paula?
Holidays can be a difficult time under the best of circumstances. There are many stresses on friendships and family. Maybe a family member gets drunk, or "preachy" or "political extremist", or just starts acting rude for no apparent reason. This is the time of year when we try to pretend we have no idea with others are doing, but we all try to pretend that everything is wonderful. We brag about our spouses and children even if they are driving us bonkers. For an LGBT family member, it can be very uncomfortable, because there is so much speculation, fear, and uncertainty above the usual noise and mayhem.

The first time I've really loved Christmas since I was in first grade was last year with my first Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the family liked Debbie better. This year, it wasn't even an issue, Lee and I have been "Lee and Debbie" for almost 2 years now, and they like Debbie more than ever.

One thing I did learn however is that there are a lot of people keeping secrets and needing a friendly ear, a smile, and even a compliment or two.

When my sister-in-law's boyfriend made a crack like "Well, I'm not as bad as Rex, so I have that going in my favor", the whole family flooded him with e-mails saying "If you could be half as wonderful as Debbie, you wouldn't be having this problem, instead, you have just made yourself unwelcome to the whole family.

I just need to focus on being the best PERSON I can be. It took so much energy to maintain the facade, the mask, the clown suit, and it was hard to move, impossible to share what was really going on, and easy to just withdraw and isolate. When I transitioned to Debbie full time, I had more energy, I focused on helping others, serving others, often as a leader, and being powerful without being forceful. At first I tried to be more feminine, but it didn't take long to realize that how I acted naturally was actually pretty feminine.

My wish for everyone in this group is that we could all go to our Christmas events as who we REALLY ARE, and be loved by all of those we hold dear, and that they would know that we hold them dear and love them and want them to be happy.

[Michelle789]

Paula, I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

Holiday gatherings with our family of origin can be really difficult for any family. Even the most functional of families can still have difficulties, and many families even with no openly LGBT family members can face difficulties during holidays.

Christmas with my family used to be a wonderful time of the year when I was a kid, but it all changed after the death of my grandparents and my uncle. My family has become increasingly dysfunctional with each passing year, and our Christmases just got worse and worse with each passing year, to the point where everyone in my family essentially lost the Christmas spirit. No one really cares about Christmas, and it just never feels like Christmas with my family.

Christmas Day simply feels like another Sunday, but out in an even smaller town than the one I'm from.

Family of origin, I believe, are difficult to deal with. We are assigned them from birth, we have no choice over who we get dealt as family members. Families have lots of baggage. Each member has lots of baggage, and troubles in their relationships with other family members. And we are expected to spend time with our family of origin, especially the holidays. Society tells us we are supposed to do so, and we are supposed to do whatever makes our families (of origin) happy. We feel a certain sense of guilt and shame when we don't make them happy, when our actions or words go against their beliefs or wishes, when we don't speak to them, or when we don't show up to holiday gatherings.

My father made it clear to me that I am not to dress as a woman in their town, because he is so afraid of what everybody else will think, especially the neighbors, and our ultra conservative cleaning man. Yes, my family has a cleaning man, not a cleaning lady. Men can clean houses and I will say he does a wonderful job, he is reasonably priced, and he has been the most consistent cleaning person my family has ever had. I believe they have had him for 15 years now. My family fundamentally disagrees with him on politics, but that doesn't stop him from getting the job done. And IMO, I cannot predict whether or not he would be accepting of me based on his political views.

So, I didn't go to visit my family for the holidays. I am really glad I stayed out here, as I was able to spend the holidays as myself, with no one to guilt trip me or shame me. And I was, if anything, had an abundance of holiday activities going on. In fact, I still have one more Christmas party to go to on Sunday, and I am baking a green bean casserole for that one. This one will be with other trans people from my church.

[PaulaQ]

Yeah, I was there as Paula. I've been fulltime for over 16 months. There is no "Scott" anymore, except on my driver's license, and that'll be gone soon too.

I get weird mixed signals from them. They gender me correctly. They use the right name, and my Mom obviously thinks of me as a woman because she's a hell of a lot happier seeing me in a straight relationship than when I was in a lesbian one.

I had told my story of my gender issues a couple of months ago to my Mom and sister. She told my sister later, that she appreciated hearing it. She has not discussed one word of it with me.

So they are accepting in so many ways, but when I talk about the problems I face, or my trans friends face, or ways I'm doing something to try to give back, they simply don't want to hear it.

They talk about pleasant things, superficial things, things that are frankly fake as hell. Or they talk about inoffensive, but mind-numbingly boring minutia.

Mom wants to have lunch with me tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

I feel like there is nothing I'll say that she'll hear. In some ways, the denial of my world, my life, and my experiences is just awful. And yet while it happens, its all so pleasant, at least on the surface. The relationship just feels totally fake. It is the only thing in my life that feels fake right now, for the first time in my life.

And that just makes me so sad.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry that you felt excluded in this way, but I have learnt from experience that a lot of people are just not as interested in the details of our transition as we are and they find the subject just as boring as we may find their favourite topic. In some circumstances this can be why everybody resorts to small talk.

Why not look forward to spending time with your mum just being the daughter she didn't know she had? Listen to her, answer her questions but try to make it about building the relationship.

[charlenesomeone]

Paula, sorry it went the way it did at your gathering. This time is year can be like that
for lots of reasons. Hope lunch goes better. You have to be you, and that makes you happy.
Good Luck hug.

[Starling]

I think many people have a secret sorrow. A truth, that is, which remains unspoken, and that's what makes them so sad. The very silence of others creates shame. We are just a special case of a general curse. Although I'm not full time, most of my family and some of my friends know about me because my wife told them. So I have the worst of both worlds. Before that I outed myself to a select group, and even those people whom I want to count on as allies never ask me any questions about how I feel, or how it feels, or how I'm getting along. Sometimes I feel like screaming.

:) Lallie

[Rogina B]

Rianna put it well in that most people "really aren't all that interested" in the details behind those feelings,IF they ask. Some people are way more clued in and caring but it may be the same caring that they feel for other humans and animals..really. So,lots of things are more easily talked out among T friends than those that live "normally"as they "automatically fit in". Really is why I say that the "alphabet kids" should play better together because we are all from the same playground,just different corners. Your mother,at her age,can only relate so much.Pushing probably won't help much.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I respect that you truly felt sad..i'm sorry about that and I hope you feel better!!!!
But i am suggesting you are bringing some of that sadness towards yourself without anybody doing anything to you except letting you be you.
How is sitting there as yourself with your boyfriend closeted? You do not know how your uncle felt at all. Nobody is doing anything to you

You have a family that seems to love and accept you as you. ..Your transition is still very raw.. you are still immersed in the differences, the unfairness, the details..etc....nobody else is...isnt' that actually ok??


On xmas, My brother in law got everybody gathered in the kitchen on xmas and told some droopy long story about his thankfulness about his new lease on life blah blah.... you should've heard the crickets when he was done.

[kimdl93]

Paula, if you tally up the wins you've had lately, including a new boyfriend, a level of acceptance from mother and sister, up to and including the opportunity to spend a holiday together as a family, you have plenty of reasons to be pleased with where your life has taken you.

Even more encouraging, your mom reached out to you, sensing your pervading sadness. Acceptance and empathy are thing many people long for and never receive. A measure of gratitude is merited here.

Of course, neither your mother nor your sister can fully understand your circumstances, but then, you can't fully appreciate their lives and problems either. And really a holiday isn't about getting together to lament one another's life difficulties, it's to celebrate the opportunity to get together, to reminisce. That may seem superficial, but sharing those occasions is part of maintaining bonds and relationships.

Allow the small talk and idle chat on these occasions and save the other stuff for later. Give yourself and your family the time and opportunity to get fully reacquainted. Then delve into more difficult topics in private.

[Leah Lynn]

Ah, family. That's why I spent Christmas Day in a new outfit, with my two best friends; Netflix and beer.

Hugs,

Leah

[Angela Campbell]

I think most who are out there that have never experienced this, really can never truly understand, and most people as a rule are a bit lazy about understanding anything. The harder it is the less they care, until they have a need to understand.

As my Mom told me.....just be a woman, don't be "trans" just be a lady. In a family gathering they will not be interested in such so join the spirit and let others guide the conversations. Cheer up girl!

[Bria]

Paula, Maybe your mom will take lunch as an opportunity to talk about how things are going for you. At least you will have the opportunity to try and direct the conversation, I hope it goes well for both of you.

My mother was a bit of a trial at some family gathering, we finally learned not to get into conversations that were "dangerous", sometimes you just need to stay on safe subjects!

Hugs, Bria

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion Angela's mom and Angela shared important insights and advice.

I think there comes an important tipping point where you stop looking for acceptance from certain people because looking for it keeps you from finding it inside yourself.

Acceptance is a double edged sword where it can lead to "knowing and experiencing yourself as a woman" or keeps you separated from this "knowing and experiencing"

You can waste huge amounts of time and energy trying to help others "get it" but they never will because they either cannot or don't want to.

You never want to empower others to steal your identity.

I'm my mothers daughter and she accepts me but she will never "get it" and I have set aside the need for her to.

She blames herself for turning me into a "girl" and nothing I do will ever convince her otherwise because that is her "guilt story" and it will be true for her unitl she lets go of it.

But her story is not "my story" and my parents had nothing to do with my gender identity formation.

Life created my gender identity for the simple reason is that was the identity I was born into and meant to have. No one and nothing could have prevented it, including me. It was my destiny from the moment I was born and probably before.

You want to avoid letting the emotional baggage of others interfere with your search for and need to live the genuine self.

I'm building a life with those who want to have a relationship with this genuine self instead of the false self that everyone else wanted and accepted that I created for them at my extremely costly expense.

Never destroy yourself to be accepted by others. No love is worth that price.

[Starling]

...My brother in law got everybody gathered in the kitchen on xmas and told some droopy long story...you should've heard the crickets when he was done.

Would you mind retelling it here, Kaitlyn? I love crickets.

:) Lallie

[PaulaQ]

I'm not looking for acceptance. I don't need validation for my actions from anyone. I don't actually care what anyone thinks. However, it isn't pleasant to sit through a gathering feeling as if silence is your best course of action. That was the impression I got, and it made me a little sad.

Lunch went really well today. Far, far better than I expected.

Mom asked me why I looked sad -- so I told her that whenever I tried to talk about any part of my life, I got shut down by someone. So I didn't feel I could talk at all.

So we talked about it, and it's better. She wanted to know why I didn't discuss my recent decision about GCS with her, why I didn't confide my feelings about my gender with her when I was young. I pointed out that we didn't discuss anything hard like this stuff -- ever. (BTW, she knew I had issues when I was a kid. She knew I'd crossdressed, and sent me to a therapist. I simply didn't trust anyone involved to actually help me at the time.)

So we talked about them. She told me about things she was unhappy with in her life. She talked to me about challenges she had when she was young. It was a really good conversation. We talked about real issues - hard stuff, not just superficial things. Not all of it was easy for either of us, but it was good. We talked for two and a half hours.

This was by far the most honest discussion I've ever had with my mother - we were both open to a greater extent than we've ever been before. I feel like this was real progress in our relationship as mother and daughter.

I know I'm fortunate in many respects. I guess I wrote about this because even in a very accepting environment, our transitions put stresses on relationships, even solid ones.

I listened to my mother today, and she listened to me. It was a good day.

BTW, I have no problem proclaiming with pride that I'm a trans woman. I am a woman - but I see no purpose in trying to forget where I came from. Our history and biology makes us somewhat unique amongst women. There are things I never learned and experiences that I never got to have that I deeply regret. There are others that I am not sorry I missed. I mainly think about who I am as a woman, and what that means to me - who I really am.

[Angela Campbell]

But don't you see? You are being accepted.

Also at any party don't talk about your life and experiences, ask others about theirs....you'll be the hit of the party!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's simply fantastic that you had such a good conversation with your mother!