Update on my status

[Sometimes Steffi]

Last Saturday a big group (of about 40) of local CDers had a GNO at a local restaurant. As a keep the peace measure, I decided not to go.

This Saturday, about 50 CDers are having a GNO at a local hotel. When I talked to my wife about my going last Sunday, she kind of threw a fit, so I backed down. Yesterday, I finally grew a pair of muffins and told her that I was going anyhow. She's not happy, but she won't stop me. She talked about how my CDing impacts her support of our marriage, so I might have "won" the battle but "lost" the war. I guess we'll see.

[Rhonda Darling]

Stef:

I hate to be the one to splash cold water on you, but if you don't have at least half the say in how your own life is run, then the marriage is already failing. Unless you're into power transfer to your wife, you are seemingly building your own prison and handing her the key for no good reason. Please seek your own counseling and find strength to face reality on your own terms. You're too good a. Person, and too strong an asset to our local community to allow yourself to continue this "death by a thousand small cuts".

Find strength in our group. Reach out.

Best,
Rhonda

[Aviatrix]

Hope it is a great time out, and the after effects with your spouse isn't too bad.

Couldn't you counter argue your wife that her fits about you going out with some friends can also impact the support of the marriage? Marriage has to be a two way street, head-on collisions are NEVER good!

Good luck!
-Charlene

[Katey888]

Steffi, it seems to me that you're trying to keep this balanced - no different from other husbands and perfectly acceptable pursuits that they may obsess over, to the chagrin of their SOs...

Having had some experience of a similar relationship, I'd say you're doing this the right way - be prepared to give a little, but not everything... If you are consistent and balanced in your approach to these outings (choosing to attend some but not all...) I do not see how there can be any reasonable complaints... Of course, they won't always be reasonable...

As always - wish you luck and hope you can feel the virtual support! :hugs:

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Steffi,

I have always been a big believer in choosing the battles you can win or at least walk away from unscathed. Finding balance does mean compromise but as Rhonda points out it does not mean "power transfer" in either direction (you or your wife). Marriages and relationships will always be challenged on some level and mutual respect is the surest way forward. IMHO it should never be about winning or losing but more about ensuring both parties are equally happy even if that means giving up a bit to get something in return (both you and your wife).

Hugs

Isha

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Steffi, Please keep us advised on how it goes.:daydreaming:

[kimdl93]

Don't jump to conclusions.

might I suggest that the way the two of you have learned to talk may itself be part of the problem, if your description of the conversation is accurate. It seems that there are pronouncements tossed back and forth, staking out postures and positions, rather than conversation and listening. That lack of real two way communication may be at the heart of your problems.

The "winning and losing" Isha talks about may be built into the way the two of you talk to each other. If your talk can be focused on a mutual attempt to understand rather than powers or winning, at least you'll have a more constructive discussion.

[charlenesomeone]

Stef, that sounds exactly like my groups Christmas that I didn't attend for the same reason.
Keep us posted. Feel the same battle on the horizon and like Isha said, choosing the right battle is
key.
Hugs

[JamieG]

Hi Steffi,

I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you and your wife are going through. I agree that you must make a stand for your needs, but at the same time, I thinks it helps the cause if you approach it in the right way. Did you mention to your wife that you chose not to go to the first event out of respect for her? Did you talk about how this is a compromise? Most importantly, were you able to stay calm, even when she threw a fit?

I wish you all the best. I know this has been a tough year for you, and hope the next one will be much better.

Jamie

[Teresa]

Steffi,
What are her objections to you going ? Is it just the fear going out dressed or the explanation of wanting to mix with other guys dressed ?
My wife's objections are along those lines and it's difficult to explain the motive, especially when it's your first time and you don't know how the evening will go !
The last thing you want to hear is , " I told you so !"

Also in what way does it impact on your marriage ? The lack of understanding and acceptance by our partners causes the biggest impact and I'm afraid to say that they lay down most of the battle lines !

[Stephanie47]

She talked about how my CDing impacts her support of our marriage

I checked your bio. You're 61 years old?? At age 61 I have to assume you are somewhat entrenched in your ways. I am assuming you've been married for some time to the same woman??

What the heck does she mean? Is her support for your marriage dependent upon you giving up cross dressing? Or severely restricting your activities? I'm in a DADT marriage of over forty years. My wife knows I wear women's clothing. She also told me decades ago if I wanted to join a support group that was OK with her. My wife knows this is a small part of who I am. I suspect there may be more to this than you're stating. At age 61 go to the meeting. Realistically, you don't have too many years left to express yourself.

[Tracii G]

I understand how hard things can be in a marriage but there are times when you have to say "give me some space will ya".

[Angie G]

Good luck hun. Some times you goyya be your own girl.:hugs:
Angie

[ReineD]

I checked your bio. You're 61 years old?? ...
What the heck does she mean? Is her support for your marriage dependent upon you giving up cross dressing?

She likely thinks that the CDing is unnecessary given they've lived together as a married couple without it for 30+ years before she found out.

To Sometimes Stef, you and your wife are obviously at an impasse. You want to dress and she views it as unnecessary and undesirable. Maybe you can both continue to live this way by agreeing to disagree … you can continue to dress and she can continue to not happy about it. I dare say that many couples live like this over a multitude of issues: if one of the spouses habitually drinks to excess, if one of the spouses is an over spender (buys things to excess like clothes, things for the home, etc), if one of the spouses lives and breathes a sport like football for example, if one of the spouses increasingly revolves their life around church, church activities, services, etc while the other spouse is not involved. So they grow apart and eventually they end up living isolated, parallel lives, sharing the same house but only as housemates and not as true companions.

It's up to both of you, really, as to how much you want to resolve your impasse. There are tools available if you both want to resolve this, if you both want to find a way to remove the angst from your lives, but it would take the cooperation of each one of you.

[donnalee]

I'm sorry to hear you're having so many difficulties, particularly considering your age and the length of your marriage.
It is obvious that your wife dislikes your crossdressing; have you ever sat down with her and asked her, point blank, why?
Her reaction seems way out of proportion; is this the only problem in your marriage, or are there others (these questions are just some points to consider; no need to answer)?
Accepting her demands in a docile way won't help to resolve the problems and I'm glad to hear that you are sticking up for yourself.
Best Wishes and I hope things get better,
Donna

[DonnaP]

Hi Steffi

I see where you are at maybe you should have asked her along. she could meet other CDers and just maybe get a better sense what it is really about. All this from a closet dresser so far. just a thougt

[Maria 60]

You know what happens when you corner someone, they fight to get out. One of my main guys on my crew thought he could back me into the corner and found out very fast he was out of work, because no matter how much I needed that guy, and boy did I need him, there were thousands of other ways he couldn't have went instead of backing me to the wall. Get my drift.