coming out

[jacques]

hello,
I am not sure that I can keep my dressing private any more... what should I do when friends find out about it?
luv J

[Jenniferathome]

Well Jacques, I am a believer that your wife, lover, mate, whatever, should know. If you really mean just your friends, why do they need to know? And if you are out so much that they WILL know, then why are you worried, just tell them.

[Katey888]

Whatever you do, be sure you're looking as good as any well-dressed debutante should.... :D

Talk to them; be prepared to help those that want to understand why you do this be educated by you; be prepared to lose some friends who may not be able to handle it; but keep being you... and be happy that you can be 'more you, more often'... :)

Good luck!

Katey x

[bridget thronton]

Be honest with your family and friends when you decide to tell them or if they discover your secret by accident

[charlenesomeone]

Jacques, lots of excellent advice here and do a search for what others have done. Be who you are.

[jacques]

hello Jennifer
My wife knows and tolerates my hobby
what happened was that when I was dressed one evening (just blue velvet trousers and sequin slippers) my wife answered the door and let a good friend in who was bringing some bad news... I froze. I just sat there trying to make myself looks small and hoping he had not noticed.
That was two month's ago and I have been scared to dress ever since - and very unhappy. And I cannot tell my wife why I am so sad.
luv J

[MsVal]

At a management seminar many years ago I learned these three tips for handling unexpected, unplanned events (good or bad).

1. Own it. Don't hide from it; don't wait for someone else; make it yours. Define what "it" is before someone else comes up with a definition that is unfavorable.
2. Get in front of it. This is your opportunity. Become the local expert in "it'. Develop a plan for dealing with "it". Don't let anyone else take "it" away from you.
3. Manage it. You've taken ownership, defined it, and developed a plan, now execute your plan and take credit for your accomplishment.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jenniferathome]

... two month's ago and I have been scared to dress ever since - and very unhappy. And I cannot tell my wife why I am so sad.
luv J

Yes, you can tell her. THIS is exactly what you need to share with her. I find it interesting that you think you were nearly outed but she freely opened the door. THAT is something to talk about. It starts with, "Sweetie, I need to tell you something that has been bothering me...."

[Beverley Sims]

Smile and tell them what a wonderful time you have trying to emulate women.
Don't tell them you are a cross dresser, just tell them you like to emulate women because others have said you were good at it.
All lies, but it works. :)

[JillyJones]

I really Like MsVal's response. I'd just like to add that when you have a response (or a set of responses) in your head, practice those responses so they come out coherently. As for your wife, it sounds like she is less affected by your CD'ing than she is. Be straight with her.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm with, Jenn. If you're a closet CD? Need to know basis only!

If you're a dresser going out? U don't need to tell them. They'll find out soon enuff!

[Majella St Gerard]

I have several photos of me crossdressed on my facebook page, a co-worker of mine I guess decided to check it out one day. One day at work when we were alone he says" hey what's with the dress?" I said " I guess you've been doing a little research on me, well that's me out of work" nothing said after that, but it did get around, and when asked about it by someone else I just say that I like to wear women's clothes. I like when people say " oh, there's nothing wrong with that", I always say "yeah I know". I'm not ashamed of who I am.

[jacques]

thanks for your help & support
luv J

[Krisi]

You haven't given us much to work with. How old are you, are you married, do you live with someone, do you have a career and if so, in what field?

My advice is to think very carefully before you "come out". While it's not really true that once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser, many folks think that. You can't "unring the bell", so to speak. Crossdressing may not hurt your career if you work in a record store in the mall but it sure will if you are a Southern Baptist preacher.

Many of us have lost wives, families and girlfriends from crossdressing. Others have been more lucky to find our loved ones more tolerant of our dressing.

Think long andhard before you tell someone or get seen.

[Teresa]

Jacques,
The rollercoaster will just get scarier ! I've finally reached that point now in my sixties, because I had to deal with kids and a business all those years ! I've finally realised that I can't mentally contain and hide it any more, I've got have time for part of me that's been hidden for so long, before time runs out !

[CynthiaD]

When coming out to your spouse, girlfriend, etc., you've got to sit down and have te talk and lay everything on the line. When coming out to anyone else, I'm opposed to the " confessional" approach. I think it's better to just "get caught." Even if the " getting caught" was planned. When you "confess" you're suggesting to others that you're "broken" in some way, and you are, to some extent, apologizing for being broken. When you just get caught, you're saying, "yeah, these are the clothes I decided to wear today, so what?"

When you confess, you're telling people that you have a dark secret that may affect their relationship with you. When you just get caught, you're saying that you're the same person they've always known and the clothes are no big deal. Of course, you've got to handle the "getting caught" in the right way. Act like what you're doing is perfectly normal, and interact with people exactly as you would when wearing drab.

[fran_c]

Hi
if anyone ever discover your secret even by by accident.
Be honest.
can only get worse otherwise.

fran

[flatlander_48]

Rachel Maddow:

"That is the single best thing about coming out of the closet, is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you just told them."

[jacques]

hello,
my dressing is private not a secret.
I dress at home with the consent of my wife.
I under-dress sometimes at other times.
I like to go shopping (pink fog style)
I suspect that my children know and perhaps some friends and work colleagues. I never confirm or deny it.
But no one (other than my wife) has ever seen me dressed before.
I did not know how to react - apart from sheer fright.
luv J

[ReineD]

what should I do when friends find out about it?

That depends on their attitudes and how much they matter to you.

If they're comfortable with seeing you dressed, just carry on.

If they are not comfortable with seeing you dressed and you value their friendship, you can explain that the CDing is a core part of yourself, but you do understand their ambivalence and so you will respect their feelings by not dressing in front of them.

If they are not comfortable with seeing you dressed and you do not value their friendship, then you can ignore them and just carry on.

You didn't ask about coworkers. Some people feel that outing themselves fully at work might close some doors or at worst, cause them to lose their jobs. It's up to you to assess your work situation and make appropriate decisions.

If you must dress all the time (if you really have no choice), then it doesn't matter how others react. You will lose the friendship of those who do not approve and your relationship with those who do will not change.

What does your wife think of all this?

[jacques]

hello,
my wife does not seem to mind - "its just clothes" she says... but she did tell me to only wear the falsies when she is out of the house.
luv J

[ReineD]

She says "it's just clothes". Is this the way you think about it?

I ask because if you want to tell everyone, does this mean that you wish to present in a feminine manner more often than to just stay at home? What would be the point of telling someone if you have no intention to appear as anything other than male outside of your house?

Last, if your wife does not want to see the breast forms, how does she feel about you dressing without the forms in front of the people that you want to tell? Would you be going out grocery shopping (for example) with her while you are dressed?

[jacques]

I don't know if I want to present as female outside the house -- is the world ready for an graying Concita Wurtz?

[flatlander_48]

Have you checked the photos here? That should be your answer...

[Marcelle]

Hi Jacques,

I don't get the feeling you want to purposely out yourself to friends and family but you are more concerned about what to do should it happen? If you are happy being a private dresser then to be honest there is nothing to be gained telling others. However, if you feel in your heart of hearts you need to go out . . . well again no need to tell unless you are very comfortable with people knowing. My recommendation is if you do wish to go out some day, then ensure it is at a venue far from home to minimize bumping into people you know. Should it still get out then you need to get out front as quickly as possible and talk to those who found out and let them know it is a private thing and you hope for their discretion. However that will not guarantee privacy.

Hugs

Isha

[jacques]

hello Isha,
thanks for your wise advice.
I am now thinking - Dressing is part of me - just like my religion or politics - there is really no need to shout about it nor any need to hide it... if friends want to judge then that is their choice not mine.
luv J


Have you checked the photos here? That should be your answer...

I don't see many bearded avatars (mine included)! :battingeyelashes:

Well I dressed again last night and went shopping today - all is good in the world!
thank you all for being there!
luv J