First outing didn't go well

[Jaclyn]

The desire to go out en femme has been driving me nuts. I got up yesterday and decided today was the day.

I figured I'd try something easy like going to a mall. I picked one about 45 mins. away from my home to reduce the chances of seeing someone I knew. When my wife woke up I told her of my plans and she said she was OK with it. So I started getting ready.

When I got to the mall I brushed me hair check my make-up and then I froze. I couldn't get out, I just sat there awhile and watch the people come and go. I couldn't get the nerve to go in so I decided I go find a place to get my nails done.

This is something I've done in the past, but only drab, But i figured I could handle this. Found a place close on the internet so off I went. When I pulled in, the place was deserted so I decided I'd call. The SA told me they where open, so I asked if she was OK with transgender clients, and she said yes, so in I went. She told me none of there nail techs were in today and they were only doing tanning. She handed me there schedule and told me to come back. She was very nice to me, if everyone was this nice we'd have nothing to be afraid of. Still not wanting to give up I found another place and off I went.

I pulled in and decided to call this too. When I asked the transgender question her attitude changed and said yes they have a problem with it and hung up. Oddly enough this shocked me and I just wanted to be home.
I really hate this sometimes. :sad:

Jackie

[nikki2014]

Cheer up Jackie. If you look back at the situation it really didn't go bad at all. Focus on the good part, your wife said it was ok, you went out of the house, and got out. Good for you. Sorry it didn't have more positive results but I'm glad you got out. More than I can say at this point.

[Sara Jessica]

I think you did one thing absolutely right. You decided to go to a public place for your first time stepping out into this wonderful world of ours rather than driving to a park in the middle of the night or taking a walk around your block (also at night, seems to be a recurring theme here).

From there you made a couple mistakes in my opinion which are easy to correct. First of all, it seems you picked the busiest time of year to make your maiden voyage. While I love to get out in the hustle & bustle of the holiday season, I've been at this out & about stuff since my early 20's. Admittedly, in the early days, you really have to get your head around being out amongst such crowds. But once you do, all is fine.

The other mistake you made (again, IMHO) is calling ahead to see if it is "ok" to be a paying customer. Do you think women do this? Take the second salon which hung up on you, assuming you present in a positive manner, walk in the front door with your head held high and let them tell you "no". Chanced are they wouldn't because they would be immediately disarmed by the image of the woman walking through the door. They'd see your POV rather than having to imagine what it might be by hearing it on the phone. Not that I'm saying you should try that salon again as you already found an accepting one the first time.

When all is said and done, try again. I'm sure you can do it.

[Lynn Marie]

Be happy that you froze at the mall! I absolutely hate malls, even in boy mode. I zoom through them like a jet on steroids. The first rule on getting out is to carefully pick your venues. Someplace in a good part of town and fairly quiet. Going out with your wife will help validate you and going out with an experienced CD will be even better. Make a friend here. You don't have to do it alone.

[Maria 60]

Well just like average days, sometimes we have good days and we also have our bad days. I find going to a store or anywhere retail after the holidays the SA are not so friendly, and seem very tired from all the Christmas rushes in the last few weeks. Don't give up and learn from this, specially calling that nail place never again. Tomorrow is another day.

[Jean 103]

When you think about it a road trip for the first time, you did just fine. The mall anytime is hard, anywhere there are kids I try to avoid. I would suggest standalone stores, less walking and thou its less personal, doesn’t haft be.

[Mia001]

Jaclyn,

I know it must feel bad at the moment but there was a very positive part right in the middle of your post so I think you already have your next outing planned. Check the schedule for the first nail place and arrange to go back there. if they are as positive and nice as you say then that's a great place to start. It sounds like you just had a bit of stage fright at the mall so the nail place may be a great starting place and you can build your confidence from there.

I have called ahead to shops before going in to shop in male mode and they have always been great but I think if you ask the question then you have to be prepared sometimes for someone to say no. Otherwise you aren't really asking them.Also it lets you know in advance that they aren't worth visiting. I don't see why you would want to give them your business after that call anyway and the first place sounds a lot nicer.

Don't give up. I'm going out for the first time next month so you're blazing a trail for the rest of us.

Mark.

[Melissa_Rose]

I agree with alot of the comments already said. Malls are probably not the easiest first place to go out. I get my nails done in drab and en femme. I go a bit out of the way to a salon in a different town. But I would not call to ask first. The people at the nail salon don't know me so I don't care what they think. If it makes them uncomfortable that's their issue. If they refuse business, it's their loss.
However, when I do go and I receive great service, I tip big. Because I truly appreciate it. That includes waiters, nails, valet attendants, cab drivers, etc. I assume these people clocked me but where polite enough to be professional, so I reward with bigger tips. It might help to undo any bias they may have been hiding.

[Jackie7]

Sorry to hear that it didn't go well for you, hope you will try again. For what it's worth, some years ago when I first started going out I too tried calling ahead to ask permission. It was a bad experience, and I think a mistake stemming from lack of confidence. in some social situations I do find it helpful to make sure the hostess knows it will be Jackie at the event, but exchanging information is not the same as asking permission, which I never ever do. Stores can't discriminate against gays and they can't discriminate against us either.

[flatlander_48]

Stores can't discriminate against gays and they can't discriminate against us either.

While that is true, it doesn't speak to what sort of reception and service you are likely to get. Bias doesn't go away just because you are standing in front of someone and it is likely to create a suboptimal experience. I see no reason to even consider doing business with someone who will not appreciate me as a customer. The only positive aspect would be if you choose to invest effort in explaining why they shouldn't do what they are doing and that it cost them a business transaction. However, I suspect that most would view you as an isolated data point and of not enough significance to make them rethink their policies.

[bridget thronton]

It is very hard to get out of the car the first few times - you did well. Perhaps the second salon thought it was a prank phone call.

[Dianne S]

Hi, Jackie. Sorry your first outing was so rough. For my first outings, I went with a friend and that made it much, much easier. Do you have any trans friends or cis friends who know about and are OK with your crossdressing? Having someone along for moral support makes a huge difference.

Also, it just takes practice. The first few times, I really felt like a deer in the headlights. Now I go out without a second thought and I think my attitude as much as my presentation makes me blend in. Yesterday, my mother and I went to a movie and did a little shopping while I was en femme. Apart from my mom accidentally calling me by my male name in the checkout line and getting a weird look, nothing untoward happened and we had a completely enjoyable day.

[Tina B.]

Took me a few times before I ever got out of the car, it can be very scary for some of us.
Enough so, that after my first bad trip out, I became a closet dresser again. Hope your braver than I was.

[~Joanne~]

I hate to say this but it sounds as if you set yourself up for disappointment for your first trip out. Instead of a baby step, you went for full monte. I guess if your ready for it or that confident, then all is well but sitting outside the mall, scared to go in says otherwise. I know we have a lot of "just go for it" here but not all outings are going to be as positive as they are made out to be on this forum.

Sara said "rather than driving to a park in the middle of the night" and I agree with her, but You could also do this during the day which would help get your "pass the door" feet wet. You'll have a few encounters with people but will mainly just enjoy being out without all the hassles, stares, and negative comments.

The first nail salon that you went to sounds as if they really don't know if they should have their doors open or not. Who doesn't have a tech on hand for walk in's? The second one, that's another story all together. I would probably try to contact the owner to report the girls behavior towards a new customer.

[michelleddg]

Jaclyn, I'd have to say by most of our standards your first outing was a big success! I'll save my own horror story for another time. Baby steps, girlfriend.

I subscribe to everything Sara Jessica has to say, she's been there and done that. Totally agree that if you enter with confidence it's long odds you'll have a happy experience. However, I must say I've called ahead in the past and have been happy doing so. At a minimum it reduces the shock value of your arrival and can help make things run smoothly. Hugs, Michelle

[Carolana]

Just to add perspective, not all, or should I say not many cross dressers are able to pass as a female. My outings have been restricted to being seen at a distance or at night, because I have seen the reactions of those who have seen me up close. Not that I care what they think of me, but if I don't pass, then I am just a man in costume. If that's what others are communicating then I feel less like a woman in that instant and more like a fraud. I am 6'1' 180, big nose, and manly features. For those of you who can potentially pass in public, don't take it for granted. What I wouldn't give for such a fun outing. Jackie, you are destined for more gratifying times than the first one. Anticipation is part of the package of pleasure.

[Ressie]

Malls are packed with people this weekend, so that wasn't a good choice IMO. And I agree it would be much easier to go out with another CD or GG. So far I've only gone out to TG friendly places with others. But just stepping out of the car the first time (anywhere) sends a bunch of uneasy messages to the brain! Come up with a better plan next time, be confident and have fun.

[Nicole Erin]

Isn't it funny how when we first start in the TG life, we want to go out dressed yet it is so scary?

Remember though -
It gets easier the more you do it. Partially cause you gain confidence and people don't usually give confident folks a hard time.
Aside the riff raff you may run into, most people do not care what someone is wearing. Riff raff people are always a PITA.
The more you dress to blend in, the less you get noticed. Even if you do get detected, people will take you more serious if you dress well.
Don't ever ask permission to be yourself. Calling to ask if they would welcome a TG person is not going to go over well. Not because they have a problem with TG but it just sets a bad stage. They might be expecting Chris Crocker to come in (we all know what an ass she is)

The biggest thing you can do to be more convincing and gain confidence is work on your voice.

[Adriana Moretti]

you should give us ALL the name and number of the place that wanted to deny you service....and we should ALL call them up one by one.

At least you made it out....my first time out it took me 20 minutes to get out of the car.

[Barbara Ella]

Jackie, congratulations. For a first time out, you had an absolutely great trip. I actually think you were smart not to go in the mall at this time of year, way too crowded with people who might not be in the best of moods. Think about it, getting ready and driving by itself is a nice first outing. My first outing I drove around the mall one afternoon for almost an hour before getting the courage to go in and browse in the women's section. I did not even walk out into the mall, just in the door, walk around browsing, and out...did buy a blouse at Macy's, even then could not pass up a nice purchase. Treated very well.

You go girl, and just keep going out, when the feeling is right, you will know it, and will react accordingly. You are doing great.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Lorileah]

Actually they CAN discriminate against us. About half the states don't have protections in place for trans people. It is a stupid thing to turn away money but that is their prerogative. The law states (in most cases) sex, race, origin, age. Your gender and your sexual preference are often NOT covered. The Civil Rights act covers only any business doing business with the government (it is national and state laws often trump the federal ones.) My hometown actually passed a statement that said "We don't want to be known as an LGBT friendly city". No one has challenged that.

["Gabriela"]

I've just had my first experience out, but it was at a gay bar, and in the middle of the night. Even though I was the object of hundreds of looks, which was kind of scary. But I don't know if I'm ready to go to a mall or anything like that yet, specially because I live in a small country and as they say: "small town, big hell"! So I understand what you felt this time.
Just don't give up with the idea of showing yourself in public. You look so pretty and have nothing to be ashamed of!
Hugs!

Gabriela

[docrobbysherry]

Do not be discouraged, Jaclyn. I have been going out to vanilla venues for over 5 years. And, I STILL have that feeling of not wanting to get out of my car. Even after so long I have to tell myself, "Screw it! You're going, so just get out and get on with it!"

Not everyone is as social or comfortable as Sara is, out in public. She and many others here, have no concept of fear no matter how they're dressed. But, I'm not like her. I'm not social even when in drab.

If u r a social person, like Sara? Just remember, eventually u will become confident and get used to being out dressed!

[catherine56]

Don`t worry, next time it will be better
Thanks for sharing your story with us

Catherine

[Jason+]

Ouch Lorileah, that pricks just a little bit and makes me happy I didn't move with my company to Denver.

Jacklyn I've had good outings and bad but the good so far are the majority. Sales Associates are sometimes luck of the draw. At a Lane Bryant once I asked an SA if they got many male customers and she happily and enthusiastically told me about one of her regulars who always came in around valentines to buy a garter belt set usually out at that time. Another SA at the same store snorted and made a derisive comment about it.

[Beverley Sims]

Jackie, that is what real life is all about.
Some good some not so good.
Rarely it is bad though.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Jaclyn

Some good encouragement for you here. It has to start somewhere and your experiences weren't bad. Just fear of the unknown and always easier to deal with problems over the phone.

I'm out dressed some 4 days a week and do anything dressed. But I still very occasionally ring ahead. Not that I have to, just sometimes it helps. I did so 2 weeks ago when going to my optometrist for the first time dressed. When making the appointment I mentioned I would like to present female. I received considerable encouragement and booked in my femme name.

They were brilliant. I walked into a crowded reception area to be greeted by a receptionist using my femme name. The beautiful attitude continued throughout my visit there and had some very interesting discussions. So sometimes ringing ahead is helpful.

Michelle

[victoria76]

This is a great community here, very encouraging! :)
I'm glad to have found this site!

[Rebecca Sue Willams]

It does get easier, I froze my first few attemps at it, but this past week was fabulous, I went out 5 times and loved every minute.

[justmetoo]

I agree with many of the others that it wasn't such a bad first outing. Sure, you froze at getting out of the car at the mall. But how many of us who go out regularly now didn't do that at some point? I know I did. The first salon didn't seem very well-organized, but otherwise welcoming. You did well there. The other salon isn't worth your time. They are beneath you. I have never called ahead (more due to phone anxiety than confidence! lol), but I have yet to be turned away from any business I've walked into and most have been very nice and accommodating, as any business should be. My journeys out into the world en femme haven't all been perfect, but the good far outweighs the very few negative bits. You will try again and eventually you will gain confidence and feel more at ease, and somewhere down the road you will look back and wish you could give past you a hug and some reassurance. You did well. The ones who did poorly were the second salon people.

[jjjjohanne]

I think my favorite part of your story is that you told your wife what you were planning on doing before you went on your outing. Good job!

[Dianne S]

Wait, what... a nail salon that has a problem with transgender people? I'm trying to wrap my mind around that...

I mean I can understand a waxing place if you get parts of your body waxed that are near intimate areas, but... a nail salon??? That's a real WTF to me...

[Jaclyn]

OMG! Thank You all for your understanding and support. This site is outstanding.

It is so hard feeling all alone and I can get so depressed.
I think small shops will be where I go for awhile. I don't have any transgender friends yet, other than all of you. I'm sure that will change also as I build my confidence.

I'm sure it won't be long before I venture back out, I just need to make better decisions on where to go.
I've thought of local gay bars but that kind of scares me also. I've been told to expect advances and I'm not sure how I'd handle that. On one hand It would scare me to death and the other i think I'd love it.

Well thanks again I'll keep you up to date with any future outings.

Later I'll be posting some pictures of how I looked for this outing.

Jackie

[Krisi]

First, a suggestion about "going out". I have done the mall walk but in an uncrowded mall. We also have a mall that's not enclosed and I find that one a little easier, especially because it doesn't look out of place to wear sunglasses if it's a sunny day. Another option is to go to the business or tourist section of town and just walk like you belong there. Dressing appropriately for the time and place is important so leave the six inch heels at home for these walks.

Second, about the "discrimination thing", while there may be laws compelling a business to accept you as a client, do you really want to have them work on your nails or hair if they are uncomfortable doing so? Do you think they will give you their best effort? My guess is it will be an uncomfortable experience for both of you. Why not become a client as a male and once you become a regular customer, ask if they will accept you as a female.

Third, "gay bars". Are you gay? If not, why would you subject yourself to that? I don't think bars are a good choice until you're very comfortable being out as a female.

[Nadya]

Thanks for sharing this. The positives outweigh the negative ending to your day. At least you found a friendly nail place even though there was that other one that wasn't. I'll make sure that if I do even go out and get my nails done, I'll call first. :) It's hard to go out by yourself. I've only been out 3 times so far and the time I was alone was definitely the scariest. Maybe someday, your wife might want to go with you to make it easier. :)

[kimdl93]

Well, just write this off as a case of nerves. You got there...just balked at the last step.

Btw, I've never called ahead to ask if a nail shop accepted TG people. And I've never had an adverse response anywhere I showed up. Just courteous service.

[arbon]

You don't need to ask permission or if people are okay with you.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with the sentiment that you may have been too adventurous in your first outing en femme. Going to the mall for most is going to be a terrifying experience. There are too many people there who may make a chance encounter intolerable. Some of the ladies here truly transform into a passable women. I am one who will never be able to pass. I always ponder what is the purpose of me, not you, of dressing and going out into the world. I do it for relaxation and stress relief. My personal goal is not going to be fulfilled dressing and going to the mall. I will agree going to a park in the dark is not a good idea. Not because you're dressed. Because the parks at nightfall are full of creeps, and, many of those creeps are out of rob and assault people. The parks are also prone to chance encounters for illicit sex. I always wonder why a guy in Seattle is walking in a dark park at night when it is reported he was assaulted. When I go for a stroll attired totally as a guy I do it in my neighborhood which has residential houses and small retail shops lined up like soldiers.

Anyway, I digressed to make a point. When I have gotten the urge to don a dress and heels and make a foray among the citizens, I've gone out in the early evening in a residential area with sidewalks and streets. The time is still early enough so there is a lot of neighborhood foot traffic. The areas are not prone to being rob or assaulted. I even like it better when it is raining so I can use an umbrella to obscure my manly face. I like the suggestion that your wife accompany you when going out. The presence of a natural women seems to validate to the viewer that you are safe. I don't care what the laws may be. In Washington State a person may dress as they want and have the legal protection to do it. That still does not change whether or not a person finds what we do as acceptable.

Anyway, I rambled on too much. I think your expectations were set a little too high for your first foray into the world.

[Claire Cook]

Thanks for sharing this. The positives outweigh the negative ending to your day. :)

Most definitely, IMHO. If a beauty salon that won't take a crossdresser is the most negative thing you experienced, I'd say that you had a great first time out! I once told the gal who does my wife's hair that I was a CD and needed to have one or two wigs cleaned up. She demurred, I'm not sure if was because of the wigs or the CD. In any event I found a shop nearby that would both do my wigs (and a manicure) and give me guy haircuts. As others have said, it gets better!

[Michelle (Oz)]

I think small shops will be where I go for awhile.
Wherever you feel comfortable will work best for you.

Just something though on the larger stores usually part of a chain. Staff are usually well trained and will treat you as the gender you present. Being treated as a female while obviously a male is very rewarding. Dealing with 'sir' is something that takes a little while to ignore but goes with the territory (and something I correct these days).

[marshalynn]

You need to use the same nail salon all the time after you find one you like, I have used the same salon for over two years, I go at least once every month, once they know you , you will get better service than most other customers, because they know you are a regular and a good tipper. Salons are a fun place to go, nail and hair, I have my hair done every Friday also (natural hair - had to brag) most fun talking to other customers while getting things done. Go out and have a good time with it, I have never had a bad experience yet....Marshalynn

[susangirl]

Jackie i remember the feeling before I got out of the car for the first time. My first trip into public was a mall in Jacksonville, Fl. I had not thought of going in the mall that day but for some reason I just parked the car and walked into Macys. I got lucky it was the womens area. My hart was pounding and I was sweating. No one paid me no attention what so ever. The world did not stop. The door was now wide open. Have fun with it. You will get there.

[Christie Camelle]

My first public outing was a mall, also. I live in a small town so choices were limited. To me, it seems the more crowded the mall is, the better chance you have to blend in rather than stand out. Merge into the crowd, carry yourself with nonchalance, and own it! *smiles*

[Marcelle]

Hi Jackie,

Goodness when I read the title "First outing didn't go well" I expected a tale of laughing crowds, finger pointing and torches. I am glad there was none of that :).

Anxiety . . . goes with the territory. My first outing was to strip mall and my plan was to go into a drug store, walk around and leave. It took me 30 minutes to get out of the car after I parked. It is the unknown and this causes the old "fight or flight" response. So don't be upset with yourself as you got there . . . next time who knows. Keep chipping away at it one attempt at a time and one day you will launch when you are ready. I have always equated going to my first parachute jump . . . really nervous, would have rather been anywhere but heading toward that door, could have backed out at any time but once I got the door, I just threw myself out into nothingness, a brief moment of panic, chute opened, breathing slowed and I enjoyed the ride. If this is something you want, you will get to the door and once you are out, your chute open . . . you will see it is not that bad.

Hugs

Isha

[jsunic_1978]

AND HALF OF THE TIME IM JUST JEFF........ in a woman t shirt, sweats and my UGGS half im all dolled up sometimes just jeff in mens clothes I HAVE FUN with it ;) especially when my land loard collects the rent as im just crawling out of BED LOL hese just happy hese getting paid, ;) then i crawl to the dollar tree for my BETTER OUTINGS for the evening

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think your experience is a good foundation, though it took a lot out of you- because a, your wife supported your decision, b, the first salon was friendly, and c, although you got rejected, it wasn't fatal.

I can't see any direction from here but up.

Well done you :)

[Genifer Teal]

When you are nervous, people around you can sense it. This will likely be the case during your first few outings. You just have to push through it and do the best you can. Know that your experiences will improve and so will your confidence, which in turn will further improve your experiences. Try your best to blend in to your surroundings and not "over dress" and dress age appropriately. The more you try to fit in, the more at ease the situation will be and the better it will go. Before you know it you may walk in like you own the store.

[jsunic_1978]

ID LIKE TO WEAR A SPEGHETTI STRAP DRESS, but not just to the store for a loaf of bread LMAO :)