addiction or not? what to do now.

[cdsara]

I am trying to decide. I stopped dressing for the most part about a year ago. Ihad told my wife and it didn't go well. I sawa therapist and all that. My wife asked me to stop so I did. Now its back. I want to talk to her again and see if she would be OK with me doing it on some level but maybe I am being selfish. Maybe this is an addiction I just need to fight. I am just torn on which direction to go.fight it or try to make it work and enjoy it. I suppose I should talk to my wife and see how receptive she is but j kinda already know the answer. Any thoughts??

[Rachael Leigh]

I can attest as many here there is for sure an addictive nature to crossdressing, I know it can be for me. What Ive done over the last year is understood it is a part of me for whatever reason and Ive had an up an down year with how much I allow it to control me. It takes a balance for sure. My wife who is somewhat supportive now because I have tried to finally be honest with her. I have discovered she needs her man time and Leigh needs to take a back seat, Im hoping I do even better in 2015 with that part.

[DonnaT]

Other than hide your CDing from your wife, all you can do is try to change her mind with careful thought out arguments.

For example, you've tried very hard, for her sake, to stop dressing, but you still continue to have the urge after therapy and a year of abstinence, and all that it has got you is internalized stress which can't be good for your mental or physical health. Thus you'd like to work out a plan.

[Annaliese]

I don't be-leave its an addiction, it who we are, as you already know, one can't stop being one self, one can stop dressing that change nothing, the desire to be one self never goes a way, try to work something out with your wife.

[Jenniferathome]

Sara, it is not an addiction. Not any more than breathing is. Any therapist will tell you that. In fact, I think it best to see the therapist with your wife and have that objective 3rd party explain the facts of cross dressing. It's not an addiction, it does not go away and it harms no one.

[Jacqueline Vivaldi]

I'm not sure that addiction is the correct term. It certainly is a powerful force in our lives, that many of us have tried to shed several times. I now believe that it is merely an expression of fact. This is who we were suppose to be, and we are simply fulfilling that natural evolution. With this view in mind, our spirit is made free to fully explore all of the female possibilities and live our lives in a rich, exciting and productive way.

[AllieSF]

I agree with the others. I also recommend that you let your wife know. You don't need to ask for permission for anything yet. Just let her know that the feeling is coming back and you have strong desires to dress again. That would also be a great time to suggest joint counseling with a gender therapist. The main thing is that you stopped, it has come back and you are letting her know without hiding it. That does more than just keep her informed. It builds trust and also shows that it is not a passing interest and goes much deeper and that is why talking to a professional may help both parties. Good luck.

[PaulaQ]

It's not an addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober 25 years now. And in dealing with my gender issues, I realized that I was powerless over them. Unfortunately, in my case, what I realized was making my life insane and unmanageable was NOT this urge to dress like a woman. No, that wasn't the addiction. In my case, it was pretending to be a man, instead of the woman I actually was, because everyone else in the world wanted me to do that.

I'm sure that's not the answer you want - but it was the case for me. I applied the principles that had kept me sober - I applied them BETTER now because for the first time I was really honest with myself and others. But it wasn't the girl side of my life that went away - oh no - in my case, the guy just had to go. It was literally killing me to live a lie like that.u

At minimum, this is part of who you are, your identity. It may also be, unfortunately, who you are entirely.

[ReineD]

I agree, it's not an addiction but you do need to inform yourself.

It's one of two things: either you have gender dysphoria (http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/gender-dysphoria) (read this through thoroughly, don't just pick and choose one or two things that may fit, and be honest with yourself), or it is an alternate preference. Some people believe there is a range to GD (from mild to strong), but I'm not so sure about that. To me, it's like saying that a person is just a little bit pregnant. Either you experience distress over having a male body, or you do not.

There are also people who are gender fluid (they would not consider severe body modifications or transition from one sex to another) and the expression of gender is not nor has ever been sexual.

The word "fetish" unfortunately has negative connotations, a lot of people do conflate it with "addiction" because of the way it has been defined in the past (as a disorder) and also because of it's association with sex, despite the fact that one of the definitions of fetish has nothing to do with sex. I don't like the word either since people get their backs up against a wall when it is used, this is why I prefer "alternate preference". I use the word "alternate" in a statistical sense only, to indicate a departure from what most people do. And how sexual it is depends on an individual, their libido, and what stage they're at in their lives. If you took a poll among all CDers here you'd determine that for most it was sexual during the teen years but for some or many this changed over time and the practice of expressing femininity became part of their core selves.

If you do determine that it is an alternate preference, the following article might help, it's the closest I can find that explains the origins of any deeply embedded need that does not involve a need to physically transition from one sex to another. Keep in mind it is written using the word "fetish", they do focus on the sexual stage (they don't mention the non-sexual aspects), and they refer to a multitude of alternate preferences not just the desire to express femininity, but try to get past that.

The point is that it does begin in childhood, it is deeply embedded, you can't make it disappear, and the best course of action is to work with it and NOT try to suppress it. And above all, don't be ashamed.

http://www.therapywithcare.com/Article_Fetish.html

[Angie G]

I don't think of CD'ing as an Addiction. Believe I we are born this wayas It may be stronger in some of us. I do know it won't go away.Talk it out with your wife.:hugs:
Angie

[cdsara]

Unfortunately there isn't any therapists around that are familiar with it. The ones I have tried stated they have never treated anyone for this before. The one I have been seeing is nice and does her best but is not very educated on this subject. But I am thinking of returning to her.

[ReineD]

You might want to refer your therapist to published literature:

This textbook is for therapists and there are three chapters on the "T": the crossdressing, MtF TS, and FtM TS:
http://www.amazon.com/Counseling-LGBTI-Clients-Kevin-Alderson/dp/1412987180

Here is also the WPATH PDF file (it takes a while to load) "Standards of Care for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender-Nonconforming People"
http://www.wpath.org/uploaded_files/140/files/Standards%20of%20Care,%20V7%20Full%20Book.pdf


There are other textbook, but they mostly focus on the "T" in relation to the "LGB":
http://www.apa.org/pubs/books/4317113.aspx?tab=2

http://www.amazon.com/Casebook-Counseling-Bisexual-Transgender-Families/dp/1556203063

There's this one too, but it focuses on LGBT patients who have substance abuse issues:
http://www.amazon.com/Counseling-Lesbian-Bisexual-Transgender-Substance/dp/0789004038

[charlenesomeone]

Reiner, thanks for the response to TGsara, lots of great info in there for a lot of us.
Hugs
Charlene

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Whether it's an addiction, a compulsion, a hobby or whatever, is beside the point. It's real and it's not going away.

Perhaps it depends how strongly you feel about keeping your marriage going. Your wife seems to offer no understanding, and that's where you should start, however impossible it seems. She needs to know you're going to be there for her, and you're not going to declare yourself gay. She needs to know you're still you, just you in a dress- and for some partners that's just too much to take.

My feeling is that learning how to accept ourselves is just about the hardest thing we can do. Learning how to accept others is far easier by comparison. If your wife has no interest in accepting you, if she won't even take a first step towards accepting you, you need to ask yourself exactly what you're getting out of the marriage. After that, if there are still enough positives to keep you hanging in there, are you willing to live entirely in the closet as far as your CD goes?

My advice is stop thinking of it as an addiction/hobby etc, think of it as the expressing of a long-suppressed part of yourself. You've been living only part of your life, your self. You can go on doing that or you can move towards becoming more whole.

Good luck sweetie!

[jackielynn]

I completely understand your situation as I have had a similar situation myself. My wife found out just before we got married and told me to never do it again. I agreed but knowing full well that I couldn't keep that promise. She will see it as something that you value more than her if you tell her that you want to do it again knowing already how she feels about it. Keeping it buried inside you and not doing it will cause emotional pain and possibly depression which will harm your relationship just as much as coming out and talking about it. Ultimately you have to address the issue somehow, seeing a therapist as a couple sounds like the best idea, that way you can work it out together.

[sometimes_miss]

It really depends on why you crossdress. my experience was that if most of my life was going smoothly, I didn't get the urge to crossdress at all. Only when I was overstressed did the crossdressing demon come out and remind me constantly that I was in the wrong clothes. The problem with considering it an addiction, is that it doesn't respond to treatments for addictions. It's not OCD either. It's considered a gender identity disorder, but the cause varies between people; there's no smoking gun, no one single thing that makes someone a crossdresser. For some, it's genetic predisposition. Others, something happens in the hormone wash at certain times of fetal or infant development. Then you have those who were conditioned into it during a vulnerable stage of personality development. And more assorted case histories of different causes. In virtually every case, it's permanent, and never completely goes away. We 'kick it', go for years, or decades, and then bam, the desire comes back with a vengeance so strong that we can't think of anything else until we slip into girl clothes.
Most of us just have to learn to live with it. Some, like me, are so deep in the closet that we can get by in the straight world; for me, at least, I only have trouble once I find out that the woman I'm falling in love with feels that crossdressing is perverted and something she could never accept. Yet I still try to find out, and get disappointed every time, and the relationship falls apart.
Try try again. No other way to live. never give up hope. Use all the tools at your disposal.
Good luck. You'll need it.

[Kandi Robbins]

Crossdressing seems to me to be unlike anything else. It can come and go, get fueled by stress, provide an escape, create shame and guilt, bring great joy, open one's eyes and heart, be totally immersive, consume one's every thought, fade away as life rolls in, etc. I'm not sure you can label it with a nice neat definition. It just is, will always be with you once you have the inclination, and with acceptance (both self acceptance and those of loved ones) can really make you a much better man. It's not an addiction, it's who you are.

[Mink]

addiction or not... one can't deny that it can take over like a pink fog and one could become utterly obsessed with thoughts about CDing and over-buying (in amount and dollars) or wanting to push things further and further to see how deep the rabbit hole goes!

i'm not quite sure why so many dismiss that?

just because YOU aren't in the thralls of the more addictive / obsessive elemental side of CDing doesn't mean others aren't going too far and need to reign it in a bit!

moderation is key!

[Marcelle]

Hi Sara,

My therapist once described it as "a force of nature" you can try to hide from it and may be successful for a time but in the end, it will find you. I doubt it is something you can fight and put it away forever. If it is weighing on your mind now it is likely to manifest itself soon so IMHO, I believe a frank discussion with your wife is probably a good idea so she is not blind sided later on.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

@Isha - like a force of nature is a great description. When I went through my GD, I thought I understood powerlessness. Not even close - it was like a tsunami hitting me.

BTW, I would recommend ignoring the opinions of cisgender folks about what it's like to experience GD. If you haven't lived through it, you can't imagine it, and feelings of discomfort about or bodies varies extremely widely.

[Carolana]

Based on my experience and the descriptions and commentaries on addiction when the term is googled, I'm addicted to cross dressing. Can't speak for anyone else. There are lots of people who drink. Some are addicted. There are lots of people who cross dress. Some can't be? I am. I tried to quit many times and did for a while in many cases. Got rid of plenty of things over the years, only to build the supply back up again sooner or later. I finally decided to just keep what I have and enjoy the addiction. I'm not hurting anyone and my wife feels loved by her man. cheers all, happy new year.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss, Sometimes we disagree some, but I think you are right on, here. Many good posts. It does have addictive/compulsive pulls. A force, is right! A very few actually do quit for good, but i would guess there still is the desire. The human being is amazingly adaptable, and strong willed.

[Jenniferathome]

....There are lots of people who drink. Some are addicted. There are lots of people who cross dress. Some can't be? I am. I tried to quit many times and did for a while in many cases. ...

Carolana, your assessment is in error and is proved with your own words. Some drinkers are, indeed, alcoholics and alcoholics CAN quit drinking and do. Quitting drinking has a very high success rate. Cross dressing does not. Addictions CAN BE stopped. Cross dressing can not. Therefore it is not an addiction.

[Dana3]

I don't believe its an addiction, I believe its a manifestation of our true selves despite a lifetime ~ almost from birth, of heavy-handed social, cultural, and religious standards imposed upon we the individual from that of others beliefs, despite our own natural inclinations of our personal selves. And that despite that heavy handed "warping" of our personal intellect and inclinations to the contrary? Our true nature and being rises to the top and manifest itself in our very being. Sex is a biological function, gender is a psychological, emotional, mental NECESSITY!

[ReineD]

I finally decided to just keep what I have and enjoy the addiction. I'm not hurting anyone and my wife feels loved by her man.

I wouldn't call it an addiction (the only management for addiction is complete abstinence), but working with the CDing is the only way to go. What also helps is to go out dressed regularly, in the next town over if need be. This is hard to do if a wife doesn't know, so if you have your wife's blessing it's ideal. It's a shame when wives put their foot down and say "Absolutely no CDing ever", only to have the marriage end, the husband leaves and now has complete freedom to dress, only to discover down the road that the need has diminished and he does not want to transition as he once thought he did. In the meantime, bridges have been burned with families broken up. Sad.

[Dana3]

I would add that not being true to yourself, will be ~ or at least can BE as damaging to your marriage, as the alternative ~ but all the more it will most damaging to your psychological, mental, emotional well being. While cross dressing may start out as a "sexual thing" given time it will grow beyond that for many if not all of us.

[Dana3]

I wouldn't call it an addiction (the only management for addiction is complete abstinence), but working with the CDing is the only way to go. What also helps is to go out dressed regularly, in the next town over if need be. This is hard to do if a wife doesn't know, so if you have your wife's blessing it's ideal. It's a shame when wives put their foot down and say "Absolutely no CDing ever", only to have the marriage end, the husband leaves and now has complete freedom to dress, only to discover down the road that the need has diminished and he does not want to transition as he once thought he did. In the meantime, bridges have been burned with families broken up. Sad.

An absolute un-necessary travesty

[MissTee]

I, too, am in the not an addiction camp. I label it a calling, and even that could be debated. It just is, and I choose to make the most of it with my wife.

[docrobbysherry]

And, I'm definitely in the addiction/compulsion camp, Tgara. But, I don't relate to being trans as so many here do.

I'm simply a closet CD. If I were to stop dressing cold turkey, I KNOW what would happen because it has before.

It would dominate my thots every waking hour and nites, too. I'm not able to function happily, properly as I do now while satisfying my dressing need. If u can funtion happily and properly while quitting dressing? I'd say u aren't addicted. If u can't? I'd say go back and chat with your therapist. Take your wife with u if she'll go!

[CynthiaD]

I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I once became addicted to a prescription drug, even though I used it strictly according my doctor's instructions. CDing is not an addiction. It is something else entirely. I'm more than just a CD, because I actually believe myself to be female. If I deny this part of myself, I become morose and irritable. Once I put on a dress, the bad moods disappear like magic. For a long time I tried to deny this part of my self, and ended up frustrated and unhappy without knowing why. When I first decided to embrace this part of myself, I would wake up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face. Tears if joy.

Addictions don't work like that. Nothing like that.

[RachelRoxx]

As someone who went through real addiction with oxycontin I can tell you crossdressing IS NOT an addiction. Sure, when I dress up and go out the rush I get is incredible. Sure, feeling pretty and getting compliments makes you feel great and of course releases seratonin in your brain to make you feel good, but when I hear the word "addiction" I dont think nice thoughts. The things I did as an addict, cheating, lying, stealing from friends and family, pawning my stuff for drugs, and tons of more gross stuff I wont mention, I never do for dressing.

[Mink]

yeah but some people do!

that's the point

it may not be an addiction for YOU

but for some it is

how is that hard to understand?

over-spending / having hundreds upon hundreds of panties or like 100 dresses or 8 wedding dresses? that's addictive!

shopaholics!

obsessive thinking all the time of it when you stop (or if not done enough... or wanting to do it more and more... or go farther and farther searching for a higher high!)

there ARE cders who cheat...

and lie

AND steal


so just because person after person says "well I'M not addicted! it's NOT an addiction" ... get beyond yourself... because for some and i'd argue many many ... it is!

and this is so often underplayed / ignored

[Krisi]

It's pointless to argue over whether crossdressing is an addiction or not. That's not going to help the OP stop crossdressing.

Stopping crossdressing is a matter of willpower. If you really want to stop, you can. Just don't do it. When you get up in the morning, make the choice to put on your BVDs and T shirt, not your bra and panties. Slacks and shirt, not skirt and blouse.

It may not be easy but you can do it if you really want to. People who claim you can't aren't helping.

[Tanya+]

It comes down to how well you understand your wife. I'd bring up the topic in terms of how it was for her a year ago, has her thinking/feeling/reaction changed over the time. Then let it drift for a while, see if she shows an interest in how the therapy and such affected you and how it sits with you now. If you can assess whether she is scared, judgemental, insecure or whatever, it would be good to deal with her stuff before you deal with your own. If she does ask, i would emphasise any difficulties the way you are has affected you life (my wife was very moved by the effects my self-hatred had on me). It always strikes me as a bad idea to dwell on what you want to do and what you want from her. You need to gently tease out the feelings she and you are most reactive to. It comes down to understanding and care for each other, how much discomfort you are willing to see each other endure. I agree that it sometimes feels like an addiction, but if it is part of who we are, then accepting it is a necessary part of accepting and loving yourself. Good luck- Tan

[Jackmore]

Many good thoughts and opinions here. I think Nikki in post #14 sums it up the best....

[Ineke Vashon]

Whether it's an addiction, a compulsion, a hobby or whatever, is beside the point. It's real and it's not going away.

....... think of it as the expressing of a long-suppressed part of yourself. You've been living only part of your life, your self. You can go on doing that or you can move towards becoming more whole.


I agree with the above thought. My crossdressing brings out a part of me long suppressed by our society norms; it is allowing me to be a more complete person. OTOH, smoking is a true addiction. I quit a 2+ pack a day cold turkey some forty years ago. That destructive addiction did not add to my becoming a better or more complete person. Glad I overcame that addiction. I can't stand even being near a smoker today.

Ineke
ps: ReineD - wonderful insights and information.

[Gillian Gigs]

There are times that I thinks that CDing leans to the OCD side of the spectrum. I can obsess about the clothes, or a particular article of clothing. Then there is that compelling feeling that I am not going to be satisified until I am dressed in something, or have gone the whole nine yards. When it comes to OCD, there are those who can keep a handle on it, and live out there lives with reasonable order, and there are those who can't. I get the feeling from what I have read on this site that the previous statement has a degree of truth in regards to their CDing. This is just my opinion based on me, and my experiences.

[Carolana]

To reply to your correction, Jennifer. I have a family member in AA. Their whole lifetime is spent with support and they never stop saying " I am an alcoholic". The addiction is with them for a lifetime. Quitting or not is not the criteria that defines it. I shared that I am not hurting anyone. Some addictions produce a strong motivation to quit or control them. In fact, many on this site speak of controls they employ for various reasons. I didn't bring this subject up, and I am not interested in being corrected for my self diagnosis. The question was asked and I answered it based on my own experience. But I suppose the subject was destined for some debate.

[Carolana]

I'm sorry, but we should never have fallen into the trap of discussing whether or not cross dressing itself is an addiction. Of course it isn't. Nothing can be correctly labelled that way. Addictions are personal responses and can apply to many things. The term itself seems to have no universally agreed application. I think it is used often for lack of a better word, which is how I am using it here for myself.

[cdsara]

I do believe I was born in the wrong body. I don't like my male self and have always been sensitive and such. I have considered transitioning but that isn't he road I wish to travel. Cdinf is enough for me but I am tired of hiding it. I thought I could stop by its all I think about and it makes me depressed.

[Krisi]

If you truly feel you were born in the wrong body, why are you married to a woman? And if you express that feeling to your wife, why would she want to remain married to a man who feels he should be a woman?

It's a shame but we don't get to choose what body we are born in. We have to deal with it the best we can. I suggest you get some professional help before you make things worse for yourself and your family.

[Karen62]

I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I once became addicted to a prescription drug, even though I used it strictly according my doctor's instructions. CDing is not an addiction. It is something else entirely. I'm more than just a CD, because I actually believe myself to be female. If I deny this part of myself, I become morose and irritable. Once I put on a dress, the bad moods disappear like magic. For a long time I tried to deny this part of my self, and ended up frustrated and unhappy without knowing why. When I first decided to embrace this part of myself, I would wake up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face. Tears if joy.

Addictions don't work like that. Nothing like that.

Cynthia, I am struggling with this question myself. In an earlier post, I called my crossdressing a compulsion, and even then I parenthetically said I was unsure if that was the right word. There is such a thing as sex addiction. I'm no expert in this, but doesn't the release of endorphins in the brain associated with such a given activity generate a similar brain electrical response as a narcotic addiction? I'm not sayign your wrong at all -- I am just suggesting a non-chemical, recurring habit might rightly be called an addiction if the brain triggers an associated endorphin response. Maybe...

I'm still trying to figure out what the pink fog is for me -- an addiction, an obsession, a compulsion, or perhaps just an attempt to right a wrong. I haven't a clue right now, but I am working on it.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Crossdressing seems to me to be unlike anything else. It can come and go, get fueled by stress, provide an escape, create shame and guilt, bring great joy, open one's eyes and heart, be totally immersive, consume one's every thought, fade away as life rolls in, etc. I'm not sure you can label it with a nice neat definition. It just is, will always be with you once you have the inclination, and with acceptance (both self acceptance and those of loved ones) can really make you a much better man. It's not an addiction, it's who you are.

This is one of so many good replies. It hits the nail on the head for me. I believe in 12 step programs for myself because that is the way I help people. I will say and believe that I am an addict fairly easily because that is a part of my human nature. If it isn't alcohol, it will be dope or whatever needed to make me feel better. Enter crossdress.

I started doing a google search to see if there were any 12 step groups and ended up back to this ole site. I'm nearing a 1,000 posts and I know it well. The search lead me to a member who put a bunch of meeting information pieces in her lengthy response but it was from 2004. So I private messaged her saying,

Are there 12 step type phone in forums for CDs? ... I am not feeling like I have to address a "defect" using the normal 12 step language. We're not defective but I feel that I spend an inordinate time being concerned about my fem being, time that could better spent. A Buddhist CD has many thoughts.

That's what I got now. Leaving for a while to do a Self Centered Anonymous meeting on the phone. Here we write for 7 minutes and then talk about it. They talk about god alot but that's okay. I like this kind of stuff.

Namaste, girls. :hugs: rr

[Beverley Sims]

It is not an addiction but something that is inside of us, others explain it better.

[ReineD]

In an earlier post, I called my crossdressing a compulsion, and even then I parenthetically said I was unsure if that was the right word. There is such a thing as sex addiction. I'm no expert in this, but doesn't the release of endorphins in the brain associated with such a given activity generate a similar brain electrical response as a narcotic addiction? I'm not sayign your wrong at all -- I am just suggesting a non-chemical, recurring habit might rightly be called an addiction if the brain triggers an associated endorphin response. Maybe...

I'm still trying to figure out what the pink fog is for me -- an addiction, an obsession, a compulsion, or perhaps just an attempt to right a wrong. I haven't a clue right now, but I am working on it.

For those of you who are not TS (you do not feel clinically distressed over having a male body), then I agree that it is difficult to describe. Is it an addiction? A fetish? A compulsion? An obsession?

A lot of CDers say that it is none of these things, it is a part of who they are and I agree with this. Whatever it is (we don't have to label it), it IS a part of who you are. So the people who don't like the words, "addiction, fetish, compulsion, obsession, pink-fog" may prefer to call it gender dysphoria (having a female gender identity). But can we call it that if one does not feel distressed over having male body parts? There are many members for whom the dressing is not (or no longer is) sexual and who say they developed a desire to look and feel feminine while young, yet they do identify as men, not women! Is it necessarily a female gender identity when a focus is on looking fashionable and pretty (or sexy for some people) above and beyond just looking like the regular, average-looking females out there who wear sneakers, sweats and jeans? I say this because there are many females who don't give two hoots about makeup, dresses, heels, and fancy lingerie. In other words, fashion and looks are NOT prerequisites for being female.

So I found an interesting blog by someone who is into latex. It is interesting because he also says that it is a part of his core self and he has a very deep connection to his need to wear latex. He admits that it is an integral part of his sexuality (as many or most of the members here when they started out), but more than that, it brings a deep feeling of happiness and fulfillment to his life. And like most people here, he says that it is very difficult to come out of the closet and achieve the freedom of self-expression in his day-to-day life. He had to live in a non-latex marriage for many years and he was miserable! The person who commented below his blog also said that wearing latex was a deep, personal journey into oneself. So this is also way more than just a sexual fetish (which is what comes to mind for most of us), in much the same way that people who are not familiar with the CDing think of it as mostly a fetish.

http://www.rubberlife.com/2011/living-a-latex-lifestyle/

So whatever we call this, I'd say that many people share your feelings of having a deep psychological connection to wearing things that the average person is not interested in wearing. Maybe we can just call it having alternate preferences, and accept they are here to stay, even if you have experienced jolts of endorphins along the way. It is a part of who you are now and that's OK.

I think that we all should be accepting of whatever makes someone happy, and not judge them for the way they choose to present.

[Kate T]

A lot of CDers say that it is none of these things, it is a part of who they are and I agree with this. Whatever it is (we don't have to label it), it IS a part of who you are. So the people who don't like the words, "addiction, fetish, compulsion, obsession, pink-fog" may prefer to call it gender dysphoria (having a female gender identity). But can we call it that if one does not feel distressed over having male body parts?


A great discourse in this thread. I would comment on the above though. Personally I think that "Gender Dysphoria" should actually be separated into a body dysphoria that "true" TS feel i.e. they are clinically distressed and often depressed over their male/female body form, and gender dysphoria which I think is a more difficult to describe distress over wishing to be socially and emotionally accepted as being female/male. One of the reasons I have come to this conclusion is looking at FTM individuals. There is a very low percentage of FTM who actually have Metoido +/or Phalloplasty (so called "bottom" surgery). They quite happily live their lives and identify as men. Now one of the principal reasons for this is that these surgeries are rather traumatic BUT it would seem to indicate that actual gender identity is NOT directly linked or determined by body anatomy. At least that is my interpretation.


I think that we all should be accepting of whatever makes someone happy, and not judge them for the way they choose to present.

Most definitely.

[Leighcdmd]

You know, I think we spend way too much time and emotional energy worrying about the whys and wherefores of our collective interest in crossdressing. It has been an integral part of my personality for as long as I can remember and has given me great joy and, at times, caused me great pain. I have reached a point in my life where I have decided to simply enjoy it and not spin any more brain cycles contemplating why I do it. And yep,......that's working for me just fine.

[Krististeph]

Breathing is an addiction, and selfish. Shooting up with meth is the other end of the spectrum. Crossdressing, and most everything else, is somewhere in between. There are many factors, it is too complicated to ladle out general judgements- you have to look at your own situation, but at the very least, acknowledgement of crossdressing and the desire to do so is a basic function of who we are. How does it affect others you care about? If it 'hurts' them: how so? Is it more an issue of telling you what to do or how to behave?

You can present a certain public face to go along with the unenlightened masses, to ease your family's or friend's concerns, depending on how unenlightened of an area you are in. But you are what you are, and asking you to hide that is hella selfish on the part of others.

It is a sticky situation, i have even gotten some comments at school, for being visibly supportive of LGBTQ students- and the outlook they have towards the generally technical i teach (electronics and electrical) i put the kibosh on it very hard and fast- zero tolerance for any bullying- showing people how to do things well and having fun doing it- this is very important- it is how you learn- the upshot is that students know my classes, and my whole dept., is there for people to learn- however they desire.

i think families should be the same- the goal is living life - if something interferes- then address it as needed. Crossdressing when suppressed may come out a bit heavy- especially to those freaked out by it. but this does not mean it is bad or wrong. but if it gets to the stage where it interferes with the more primary functions- then it deserves some attention: evaluation and discussions amongst the concerned parties.

Sounds pretty impersonal. But this is how one must consider things that affect family life- and it is not a bad idea to get the help of someone who deals with this professionally. Or more than one person even.

In my opinion, over time, everyone will realize crossdressing is not an addiction, but a part of some people that needs to be expressed in some manner. It will not go away, it will not be mitigated, any more than one will stop caring about their children. It is not a fault of the crossdresser: think about it: who made the crossdresser? Non-crossdressing (most likely) parents. It's something in the way the human brain works. Not up for discussion whether it is 'valid' or 'acceptable', it simply IS.

Is child care an addiction? Yes, technically, but that's the wrong way to approach it.

Not sure if this helps at all, but rooting for you all the same!
Kristin