Another Poll: If your S.O. gives you these 2 choices what would you choose?

[TaraB]

and..please try to answer the question as if it were your only 2 choices. Don't bring up reality this....or your situation that....just try to answer the question as its being posed in the most honest heartfelt way you can as if your SO is actually asking you this question.

and please explain why you made your choice.

[Helen MC]

I have BEEN there in the past. No panties? NO ME!

[TaraB]

i'll of course give my answer to the question.

SO always comes first. I place a priority on the things in my life and my SO always is #1 priority.

unquestioned.



hehe Helen....panties over your SO....soooo funny!

[TVStevie]

I voted for #2, but only because if I was married to a controlling person who made ultimatums to get her own way, our relationship would fail.
With all due respect, this poll is completely flawed. It's a bit like having a "Who's the best band ever?" thread and then only putting ELO and Steely Dan.

[TaraB]

eh....not really. Its just a poll to get to the heart of what you actually would do if presented this.

period.

i don't see this as controlling at all. Well maybe in a way. I see it as someone saying....i can't live with your crossdressing so i'm going to leave you unless it stops.

its a basic moral dilema and a test of what is more important to the individual answering.

simple as that.

[Helen MC]

To clarify, it was not my ex-wife that I ditched over my being a CD, she was quite easy going about this and indeed we shared our panties! No the woman I broke up with was a girlfriend many years before I was married. She told me it was panties or her, I gave her the taxi fare home!

[ronda]

i love my wife with all my heart and soul and do not want to loose her but i can not loose myself to make someone else happy because then i an not happy and we would part ways later anyway.

[Foxy Lady]

My wife and I share our clothes. I am welcome to wear any of hers and her any of mine. I wear more of hers then she wears of mine.

[Raychel]

I voted the clothes are history. I love my wife and my family life. I surely would not be very happy without my other side. But I would pay that price for a happy family life.

[Trish]

I have way to many clothes to quit now.

[livy_m_b]

I voted the clothes are history - but that decision may only be more recent history. I haven't been very capable of not dressing in time. However, I am sensitive to her pain, and would always opt for her rather than the clothes.

[Tina Dixon]

Im not getting any younger, and I can live alone, so I keep dressing if it came to this.

[Lilith Moon]

I voted #2 here's why...

If I went for #1 I would be under permanent and severe stress and eventually suffer some sort of catastrophic breakdown, or worse. So, my SO would no longer be "with" her man any longer. It would be pretty much the end of the relationship. Sounds brutal, but that is how it is. Sorry.

Going for #2 at least offers the chance that she might change her mind and we would get together again.

[Clare]

Simple answer? I ditch the clothes!

The wife is the second most important person in the world to me (our little boy comes first). My family is a priority and ranks ahead of my desire to crossdress.

Well, this is how it was for nine years until she left me for reasons unrelated to XDR'ing last May.

[Alaina Ann]

I really love my wife and my panites. If push came to shove I would have to stop dressing and just be miserable the rest of my life. My wife means the world to me! Thanks God she buys me some sexy panties every now and then to let me know that everything is OK! :angel:

Love Alaina

[Amelia Moxon]

I don't have an SO, but I voted 2 because If i went on a date my CD'ing would be something I mentioned on the first date, If she is a narrow mined so and so and says I'll be your girl if you stop dressing then I would simply get up, give her a fiver for a taxi, and walk out of the bar, jump in my car and drive off without saying another word. My Cd'ing is part of who I am, no Cd'ing no Me!!!

Hugs
Amelia xxx

[LisaRaye]

Not to be the bad guy, but If I was put in that position. Sorry baby but go got to go I was this way before you came into my life, and beside thats like telling me to get rid of my toys like my pocketbike, racecar, videos games etc. You must be crazy thats like getting rid of apart of me thats make me whole. There is only one Roxxy but you can get another girlfriend. I take my toys and Roxxy very seriously for someone to try to come between that is not an option. I dont mean to be a bad ass about the subject but thats how I feel.

[Amelie]

I might be in a slightly different situation than most here, but I'd like to answer anyway.

I would ditch the SO. My dressing is more important than an unaccepting SO.

All of the people that meet me, meet me dressed as a girl so I wouldn't be hiding anything from them at the start. But if my SO was to change later on in the relationship and ask me to stop dressing, then the SO has to go.

[Jamie M]

kelly and i have discussed this hypothectically many times and we have happily come to the conclusion that she would never ask to to make that descission .

In the context of "what if" I have answered No.1 as although my dressing is VERY important to me , so is my wife therefore i would at least have to give it a try to save what we have .

[AprilMae]

No 1 for me. I've dressed on and off for 30 years, but this is the first person I've wanted to stay with. I could live without the clothes.

[janey]

I think there is always a way to get both!

[krissysSecret]

Ditch the dresses,cozy up with the wife(or girlfriend) and listen to Steely Dan!

[Katiegirl]

The question is irrelevant to me as I have no S/O and at the present have no plans in that direction.

If I ever do meet someone then as my dressing is now part of my lifestyle it will have to be accepted. This may seem hard but it will save much grief later.

:bs:

[cosmolovesph]

#1. She is way more important then the clothes. The clothes are history.

[Helen MC]

Interesting. The majority of UK posters like myself would ditch the woman and keep their panties, dresses etc, but most of the US members would take the opposite stance and change to keep the woman. Another cultural difference perhaps? I have to say I am NOT prepared to change any key parts of my persona whether for parents, girlfriends, mates , employers, clergy or anyone. My message to all is take me as I am, if you don't like it f*** off!

[Shelly Preston]

Easy answer ditch the clothes

My wife is the most important thing to me.

However, I would love to say it it would be easy but i'm not that stupid.

I would probably feel like a wreck for ages trying not to dress.

I seriously hope it never happens.

[Veronica E. Scott]

For some this might be hypothectical for others it is a reality. I voted #1
40 years of marriage is almost a life time. To throw that away over a piece of clothing is not the rational thing to do. Went so far back in the closet it aint funny. (very unexcepting wife).

[KellyT]

I really love my wife and my panites. If push came to shove I would have to stop dressing and just be miserable the rest of my life. My wife means the world to me! Thanks God she buys me some sexy panties every now and then to let me know that everything is OK! :angel:

Love Alaina

I'd be exactly the same. I would hope that she would be the same. If there was some part of her personality or issue i had with something she did, I would like to think that she would also stop doing it for me. Part of being in a loving relationship is having a little bit of give and take. The reason I married my wife was that I recognised that she was not just beautiful on the outside , but beautiful within and that is what makes her accepting of me. If she was the type that gave ultimatums I doubt very much I would've married her in the first place.

[kristytv]

i chose 2, i dont have a gf or wife and i cant imagine my life with out crossdressing.

[Imogen_Mann]

I chose 1. I'm lonely since my ex departed, and like it or not, the clothes were part of the reason.

XX

Jayme.

[Gwen]

A had a wife who knew about the crossdressing before we married. After 15 years of marriage and (her) seven affairs she gave me an ultimatum to give up the clothes. I'll go with number two. If they ask you to give up the clothes they don't know you very well for one and for two they don't care much what you want. My SO is certianly more important than the clothes but she is my SO because she would never ask me to give up the clothes.

[Marla GG]

Even though this poll is hypothetical, the tragic thing about it is that so many have had to make this choice. It is clear that many here love the women in their lives very much, so much that they would even try to quit dressing in order to stay with them.....but the problem is that for most CDs, quitting is not an option. Temporarily purging may be an option; hiding and lying is certainly an option, though not a recommended one; but quitting forever is just not realistic.

So many marriages have been destroyed as a result of the belief that it is possible to choose between love and crossdressing. That's why I'm not too happy about polls like this one. We all know what usually happens when a CD, even out of love and with the best of intentions, decides to give up dressing in order to keep a woman. Maybe he even thinks that being married to the woman of his dreams will "cure" him. But ultimately, months or years down the road, he discovers that the urge hasn't gone away. And meanwhile he has got married and settled down with a woman who didn't want this in her life, or didn't even know it was there.

I don't blame anyone for having thought that they could quit for love. I have talked to enough unhappily married CDs to fully understand and sympathize with the choices they felt they had to make in the past. But I hope that anyone who is single and reading this thread will realize that the "the woman or the clothes" is a bogus decision.

I am always telling SOs they need to understand that their partners' CDing is never going to go away, and that there is no point in giving ultimatums or telling him he has to stop. Either you can accept it or you can't, but he couldn't quit for you even if he wanted to. I think it would prevent a lot of heartbreak if more CDs realized that love, no matter how strong it is, cannot change who you are. Promising to stop dressing is like promising to stop breathing; you will almost certainly fail, but if you did find a way to succeed, it would kill you. And that would not be good for anyone.

[eleventhdr]

Might like a girl if and when she can not accept who i have and am becoming then i would choose the cloths over here i am who and what i must be and she would either accept it or go!. Suzy!.

[Camille]

I have answered #2 because if she gives me this type of ultimatum then she wants me to be what she see fit to her and not what I really am and she don't want to understand or share mutual feelings.

Also, I do as she wants and get rid of the clothes, after some time, the desire to dress again will return and I will have the choice between hiding myself and feel guilty or refrain myself and feel restrained; both ways lead to problems in myself and in our union.
In the end we will split anyway, so better do it now.

The way around this type of situation is to discuss it so that both understand each others.

[TaraB]

Marla....while i whole heartidly agree with every word you say(and it was well said i might add) i think the biggest problem that i see at least in the CD world is the degree to which the obsessive/compulsive nature of their CDing takes hold of their life. CD's often lose site completely of whats important in their life and find out after the fact of losing a wife/SO that they were completely out of control. Alot of times that can be a wake up call.

One thing i will say....you are dead right that it will never go away. You can't *cure* it. But it can be managed and prioritized. The urges will always be there. but If people subsitute othr activity to keep themselves busy i do think its possible for them to live without the clothes. Yea...its not easy. Yes...it would hurt. Yes everytime you see a woman who's dressed nicely that urge will hit to go buy something....but it can be controlled if the person is willing.

the problem is the people that do have contol never are the ones that voice it. We only hear the ones that cannot control it so its always the feeling that its uncontrolable.

just an opinion.

i should add....i've been in the uncontrollable fazes where my SO came second. Alot of CD's/TG's put emphisis on the problem of their eventual breakup were because of her. maybe she cheated on you...etc etc.....but truth of the matter is that most CD's/TG's were choosing to ignore all the warning signs whether it was subtle or obvious it goes ignored because CD's can get tunnelvision and the only thing thatseems to make them happy is dressing. They find out just how wrong they are when the woman they love leaves them and they realize that the clothes are just a pacifier....the love of a SO is everything.

just my somewhat humble opinion.

[tara 24-7]

do not ask me to choose, cdind is who i am, live with it happly or go, it is my life too you know! simple as , kisses tara xxxx

[Lilith Moon]

I've already added my comment and explained my vote for keeping the clothes. After some thought I realise that I have a second reason for #2. Any partner who gave me an ultimatum like that would cause me to wonder about our roles in the relationship and if I even belonged in it.

Something similar has already happened to me. I went back to college as an adult. The ultimatum from my wife was "Stop college or I'm leaving". I didn't stop college and she didn't leave, but that was the beginning of the end and we did part company a short time later.

I don't take kindly to blackmail :angry:

[Marla GG]

i think the biggest problem that i see at least in the CD world is the degree to which the obsessive/compulsive nature of their CDing takes hold of their life. CD's often lose site completely of whats important in their life and find out after the fact of losing a wife/SO that they were completely out of control. Alot of times that can be a wake up call.

One thing i will say....you are dead right that it will never go away. You can't *cure* it. But it can be managed and prioritized.

Tara, I agree with you 100%. I am all for negotiation and compromise when it comes to dealing with CDing in a relationship. I said that I don't think it is realistic for most CDs to stop permanently, but I didn't say that they can't exercise any control over the "when, where, and how" of it. In fact it is vital that they be willing to do so if they want their relationship to survive. There is a lot of middle ground between giving up dressing and being completely out of control.

If your poll had asked, "would you be willing to accept reasonable limits on your dressing for the sake of the woman you love," I imagine the responses would have been different. But it seemed to me that you were asking people what they would do if they faced an either/or choice with no possible middle ground. In that scenario, I still believe that a CD who promises to quit for the sake of keeping his partner is probably fooling himself, and her.

[TaraB]

definitly true Marla. I see trust, honesty and openess about the subject as an absolute necessity in regards to relationships with others.

relationships are about give and take. What i was trying to get to in regards to this poll is just how obsessive/compulsive can someone be. If they were faced with the ultimite question what would they do. It says alot about the person and the choices they make in life. I in no way am saying either choice is right or wrong(i just wanted everyone to know that)....as its more of a personal individual decision on the way they want to live their lives.

[Kadence_Lynn]

I chose # 1 my wife amd kids are more important than anyhting else. I love to dress and most situations in my life I do what I can to please others and sacrifice to see others happy always have and I dont see that changing anythime soon.

There may come a time later that the issue comes back up, she might see that it is a part of who I am and can see the strain it puts on me and our relationship and changes her mind to accept the dressing. You never know!! But if you are close minded about it and she is close minded about it, then you might as well take the clothes, because later on you may not have either.

Just my rationalizations, which no one really wanted to read about anyway!! Sorry I was rambling on!!

Kadence

[michelleliz]

I was just given that choise about 3 mounths ago . For the third time. My divorce will be final march 15. She through me out of my owne house.

Michelle

[Stormgirl]

The clothes are more important than a relationship. Until I find a woman that is accepting of me,I will remain single.

[Sarahgurl371]

I haven't voted yet. I know you said no if's and's or but's but.....

Marla, Thank you for your thoughts again.

Tara B, I get your point too.

Problem with this poll for me is that I tried the quitting thing long before I told her about all this. I totally understand the obsessive / compulsive component of this for me. I do my best to control this, everyday. The problem with the above statements is that generalizations tend to make us all look like alcoholics on a bender, all the time. I have recently made the point on another thread about being accepted as a mitigating factor in the obsessive / compulsive issue.

In my case, that couldn't be further from the truth. I have had so much restraint for so many years now. I mean restraint from physically dressing. The thoughts are always there. The restraint in dressing has made me miserable. Many of you know the cycle I am speaking of.

I finally realized that I have to own up to this for myself. For my happiness, and peace. I know that sounds selfish. But really its not. We both need to be happy in life in order for our marragie to have a shot. This is just simply something thats a part of me. Just like she has her things.

So I guess I will have to choose #2. I hope it doesn't come to that. Yes I love her. But I am starting to realize that I have to love myself as well. Ultimatums are just never a good idea. Especially in matters of love, and individuality. She might as well ask me to change my eye color. (yes, i know that was visible to her when we met) Its just not possible. I could, not dress, I believe. But I would be miserable. That would lead to resentful, and that would lead to a miserable marraige. I have never asked her to give up a thing. I expect the same. I am starting to have a little self esteem after all the years of hating myself.

[Fallen Angel]

I voted for number two,I have lived my life for everyone else and now its for me.If she made me make a choice im going to say see ya !!!!!! xxx

[ashlee chiffon]

dressing is not something cd's have been able to just quit ...most have developed the urges to dress and its part of their psyche...does one ever really quit? i'll bet if they do, sooner then later she's going to find her SO has been sneaking into the panty drawer!

[Helen MC]

I am ME, all the good points and all the bad, you get the package. I really do not see why I should have to change to suit A.N.Other, if people cannot take me as I am then that is THEIR loss, not mine.

In this life we are constrained by many agencies, firstly the State and its Laws, (for good or ill as the case may be), by Parents when we are children and under their control until the age of adulthood in our country, Teachers when we are at school, and by Employers during the hours we are paid by them and on their premises or doing their work elsewhere. Thus one is already perforce limited in one's freedoms. When it comes to one's most personal life, be that our religious or political beliefs should we have any, or our how we choose to dress, then that is for the Individual to decide as they wish and if it harm no other to do as they wish.

Like many here I am happy with my CD aspects and as it is of harm to nobody I see no reasons why I should go against my own nature and be miserable, possibly even suffering mental problems in the process. If someone cannot accept this then she is not the woman for me and I have always been upfront and told any serious girlfriend at the start of our relationship, as I have also told them that I never wished to father children, and indeed I blew out a possible relationship 30 years ago on that particular question.

As for branding CDs and TVs as suffering from OCD, that to my mind is psychobable horsesh*t. I have known people who have REALLY suffered from this problem and have been unable to leave their homes because they are bound up by strange rituals or who wash their hands until their skin is inflamed,or who have to have the items on their desk in exactly the same position or they throw a wobbler, etc.

In all I would say this. To any CD or TV entering into a relationship. Be totally honest upfront with your prospective partner and don't hide it from her hoping she will accept it if she finds out later and to any potential partner of a CD take it or leave it as you will not "cure" him and if you think you can and try to do so you will only fail and make both him and yourself miserable. Better to walk away at the start if you cannot accept your boyfriend's CD aspect which is as much part of him as his voice, hair, eyes, ethnicity etc.

[Maria2004]

I made choice No. 2 on an August evening in 2004. I came to the intial realization I was a transvestite in Dec 2003. Tried to deal with it, understand it and failed. I was miserable and by extension so was my wife. My children were grown and on successfull paths, my Dad days were over. I made the decision to accept this aspect of myself and see where it lead. I made all the plans, figuring my wife was going to freak, had a place to move to, knew what I was taking with me, the whole nine yards. Finally outted myself, the wife freaked, told her I didn't care at this point and was leaving.

Took a few days for both of us to get over the initial shock, she wanted to talk about it, I agreed, we did. Almost 2 years later we are still together.

Wierd huh?

[pauleen]

If my so couldnt accept me as me I couldnt change for her , its like me asking her to rid herself of all her sweats,jeans, guy boots , t shirts ,everything that resemble tomboy wear she would have to dress exclusivly in femme ,and that wouldnt work . plus I dont have a signifigant other right at the moment . Its hard to find a accepting SO in my area anyway.

[Butterfly Bill]

I already have been given that choice 15 years ago and I broke up with her. She was otherwise quite the feminist, but this kind of equality she was unwilling to defend to her parents and the public school she worked at, and I couldn't accept this kind of hypocrisy. It's part pf me and it's not going away, and if I had to hide it from her, I couldn't have the honest intimacy that she said she wanted. (This was only one of the many things that she wanted to change about me. I was becoming more and more apparent that what she wanted was what I ain't.)

[ReginaK]

Keep the clothes. Lose the girl. Life is too short to spend it living for others. And a life not lived isn't worth living, even if you have a girl.

[Sarahgurl371]

A point about OCD.

I can see how this thing might lead to OCD behaviors.

The fear of getting caught was so great that I had to constantly check and double check everything, after dressing. I mean I had a photographic memory, and EVERYTHING was put back EXACTLY as I found it.

Later on I noticed this starting to bleed into my other thoughts. If I did this, _________ might happen. I guess it was an attempt to control my dressing, and ultimately quit all together. BUt several years had gone by like this.

So for me, the compulsive side, definatley contributed to some obsessive thoughts. How to fix it? I decided that I am who I am, and told my wife. What a load of problems that has opened up. But, the OCD behavior is gone.

[HaleyPink2000]

Hmmm? Thinking...... Ok, it's a vote for Her.
then it would be the dressing if She was not around.

Haley:)

[Roxannecede]

I have had to make that choice,,,purged a few times(stupid me) It is something that is part of me,,,so I would be going with the Buh bye !!

[Megan72]

I had to answer number 2. I really did not want to though. Unfortunatly i think that if she was not so accepting i would not be happy with her and would have to leave at some time.

THis is not to say that i would not try and purge again, and again first.

[TGMarla]

Tough choice. I choose the clothes over the woman. God, what a cad I am! I love my wife, and I don't want to replace her, but I can get another if need be. I can't replace crossdressing, nor do I want to.

[Lilith Moon]

What i was trying to get to in regards to this poll is just how obsessive/compulsive can someone be.

You know, the term OCD keep cropping up in relation to crossdressing. I'm not convinced that crossdressing is simply a manifestation of OCD, although I will concede that some of use may have obsessive traits. To put it another way, I'm not comfortable with the implication that crossdressing is connected with something that is often considered to be a disorder.

[InHerShoes]

I voted to ditch the dresses but I have to admit that doing so would just drive me into the closet. My high school sweetheart was the last relationship I was in where I wasn't free to dress however felt comfortable so it's very hard to imagine stopping forever. But on the scale of what's important my wife wins out.

[Rachel Newark]

Hi all.

Bit of a binary choice there with no room for negotiation :( however-

I have to say that I voted for the second option. I agree with those above who point out that if the SO was that unaccepting of crossdressing are you really sure you are in the right relationship.

I'm one of the lucky ones, partly by intent, partly by accident. The last 4 women in my life ( spread over some 20 ish years ) have been told early on in the relationship that I dress. I think that if there is going to be a problem then let's get it dealt with now when the pain of a failed relationship is less than after years of commitment.

I told my current SO after about our 3rd date, she was a bit stunned, but rallied well and 3 years later we are still together, still having fun and wondering how come the doors of the wardrobe haven't exploded off their hinges.

Being a Transvestite isn't something I do, it's something I am!

Hugs

Rachel

[Alystin]

I think that my SO is very important and I would do anything for her! But if she's making me choose between her or being myself. Myself wins. Because, I can always find an SO that will love and accpet me for who I am. But I have to live with myself regardless! Thankfully though, I don't have to make that decision, because my gf loves me for who I am and accepts the fact that I have a better wardrobe, but i'm trying to help her :cheeky:

[Alystin]

eh....not really. Its just a poll to get to the heart of what you actually would do if presented this.

period.

i don't see this as controlling at all. Well maybe in a way. I see it as someone saying....i can't live with your crossdressing so i'm going to leave you unless it stops.

its a basic moral dilema and a test of what is more important to the individual answering.

simple as that.

Tara,

True it's a test of morality. But if you go through life just trying to make the others in it happy, then you'll have problems finding happiness for yourself. I've tried so many times to stop dressing because one person or another in my life has said that I'm a bad person for doing it. But I always seem to go back to doing it. Maybe after a short time or a long time, but I always start dressing again. So if you chose your SO over the clothes, and you restart dressing later on. It will just cause even more problems. And the hurt of postponing that battle will only intensify. Thus making room for resentment. and then you would have lost your SO and also would have given up yourself a long time ago for that person. I told my GF when we were first going out and pretty much gave her the option of taking as I am or leaving with no regrets. Thank god she stayed, it's been an awesome 5 yrs with her!

[TVStevie]

You know, the term OCD keep cropping up
Obsessive Cross Dressing? :D

[jenny c]

I answered that my SO is more inportant than clothes but i am very lucky to have a loving supporting wife who loves me for what i am. but if it came down to giving up for her i would do but hopefully that is not an issue.

[Laurie Ann]

No brainer if it's a choice between Laurie and my wife Laurie Ann has to go. I would miss dressing very much but after 30 years of marriage I choose my wife.

[pattied]

But it isn't the clothes... If my SO gave me these choices, then I just know the relationship would end in flames. If she gave me this ultimatum, we'd both lose. I am who I am... and that is far more female than male (http://pattiedelish.blogspot.com/2006/01/how-boyish-or-girlish-are-you.html), which means that I would continue my journey (which I am so hopeful will begin with transition - first gender therapist appt Monday - Yay!:clap:) with or without apparel. And based on the ultimatum choices, that would mean lose her.:cry:

[Cathy Anderson]

I voted #1, on the belief that I could probably satisfy the crossdressing interests without actually dressing, by means of fantasy and imagination, and just feeling and acting like a girl at times in private.

Okay, I've answered by the rules, and now I get to add my .02--which is that I would tell any SO who gave such an ultimatum to get packing, as she has a serious problem with control. On the other hand, if she didn't ask, but I sensed it was necessary for the relationship, that would be different.

Cathy

[Stormgirl]

No women is worth the trouble :thumbsup: :mad: