Uncomfortable feelings

[Claire Cook]

Happy 2015 everyone, and may all of your CD resolutions come true.

I normally don’t write about problems, or ask for advice and input , but OK, here goes. Every New Year’s Day we attend a wonderful brunch at a friend’s house with lots of old friends (I’m always in drab.) Several of them know about Claire, including Patti, a GG who met Claire at last year's Halloween dinner. Patti let the cat out of the bag to several of my friends, who took in stride (I don’t mind being outed). At one point some of the gals were talking about menopause and hot flashes, and Patti looked at me and asked if I’d had any. To which I replied “Not yet…”. One of my GG friends gave me a questioning look, to which I said “Kris, I cross dress.”. (As if that explained anything.)

To get to the point. All day I felt uncomfortable. Part of the reason was that we had disturbing news about a friend’s baby daughter (Tegan) who has been fighting a brain tumor, but there was more to it than that. Then I realized it was because I was wearing guy clothes. Later Sue and I were watching the Rose Bowl and she sensed my discomfort. This was the first time that I was consciously aware of wearing the wrong clothes, and I’m sure that I have felt this in the past and not realized it. She finally asked me “I think I know what is bothering you, besides the news about Tegan. Do you want to be Claire all of the time?” Wow. I hadn’t faced that one before, and couldn’t come up with an answer. This morning after Claire brought her usual cup of coffee in bed, I sat down and had an answer. “I’ve been thinking about what you asked me yesterday. Deep down, I think that if you weren’t here, yes, I would want to be Claire all of the time. But you are here, and I have family and co-workers who need my male self – as do you.”

So here is the question. How many of you are also uncomfortable in drab? I guess my solution (resolution) is to spend as much time as Claire as I can.

Thanks for listening, and New Year’s hugs to you all,

Claire

[kimdl93]

I've been dealing with the same feelings for a good while now. Uncomfortable, mildly annoyed and distracted would describe the range of feelings I experience when I have to present as a male for extended periods of time. I deal with it in pretty much the manner you describe...and have made a similar resolution.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Claire, I totally enjoy being Orchid when I want to but
I really like my macho side, I have the best of both worlds.:hugs:

[JocelynJames]

Hi Claire, I totally enjoy being Orchid when I want to but
I really like my macho side, I have the best of both worlds.:hugs:

This is the same for me. I have days I can't stop thinking about dressing and sometimes weeks where I hardly think of it.
And its usually the macho side of me that gets things done.

[Marcelle]

Hi Claire,

I have similar feelings from time to time specifically when Isha is steering the ship. Not that I loose myself (guy me) but I feel more comfortable dressed as Isha. My wife has no issue fundamentally with me being Isha at home during those periods which is just normally girl clothes and wig (make-up is too intensive for hanging around the house). However, I doubt I could do full time as there is lots about "guy me" I like. However, I do have to wonder, as I don't alter my personality when I am Isha (I am still me) is it more so the convenience of being able to throw on guy clothes, hop in the car and do my thing vice having to spend 40 minutes on make-up before going out that I find easier being guy than girl. If I could just throw on girl clothes and head out . . . would I stay girl? :thinking: It is a question my wife and I discuss constantly with no foreseeable answer.

Hugs

Isha

[Kelley]

High Claire, I experience the same feeling as you. I have started to dress more feminine than masculine on weekends and holidays. All male when at work

Kelley

[Maria 60]

A few weeks back it was the opposite for me, I was relaxing dressed and we started arguing over something I didn't want to talk about while dressed, for some reason I had to get undressed because I didn't want that subject to fall under the Maria umbrella, and yes there are times when we do feel different emotions and feel as if I am wearing the wrong clothe.

[Allison Chaynes]

I feel the same way a lot. I wish I knew the answer.

[GeauxStacy]

Claire - I used to think that I was uncomfortable in drab and really did some soul searching and found that I am happy with drab or dressed up. It just depends on my mood sometimes and I have accepted that. :)

[Dianne S]

Claire,

You may have more serious gender dysphoria than you realize. It could be time to consider speaking to a therapist. However, you have to go in knowing you may be opening a giant can of worms that can change your life in a major way.

[Annaliese]

So much so over the last few years, I have been trying to be my self, more at work, I took one of those test, what kind of girl are you, it came out tomboy, and that fits me, girl jeans and sweater, my cowgirl boots, and make-my. I was so uncomfortable in drab at work, I did something about it. Not everyone can do what I have done, it was right for me, and the right time.
Clare, thank you for this post, it nice to read a post that make one reflect on one self.

[Claire Cook]

Thanks for the thoughtful comments so far. A few responses:



Hi Claire, I totally enjoy being Orchid when I want to but I really like my macho side, I have the best of both worlds.:hugs:

Blue Orchid, I've never been comfortable with a macho side. It's partly this that attracted Sue to me, and it's worked for 46 years. But I do feel I have the best of both worlds, it's just that right now the Claire side is more appealing.



Hi Claire,

I have similar feelings from time to time specifically when Isha is steering the ship. Not that I loose myself (guy me) but I feel more comfortable dressed as Isha. If I could just throw on girl clothes and head out . . . would I stay girl? :thinking: It is a question my wife and I discuss constantly with no foreseeable answer.

Hugs

Isha

Isha, I'm asking the same questions .. wonder what the answer is (are).


Claire - I used to think that I was uncomfortable in drab and really did some soul searching and found that I am happy with drab or dressed up. It just depends on my mood sometimes and I have accepted that. :)

Maybe this is a temporary mood thing and just now my mood is on the bright (:battingeyelashes:) side.


Claire,

You may have more serious gender dysphoria than you realize. It could be time to consider speaking to a therapist. However, you have to go in knowing you may be opening a giant can of worms that can change your life in a major way.

Dianne, you may be right, although I've never thought of my TG as disphoric. (Rather more of a gift ...Self-delusion???) Maybe someday I'll consider a therapist, but that's a giant can of worms that for now will remain unopened.

[Nadya]

I know how you feel, Claire. I wish I didn't have to spend as much time in drab but there's still a need to be drab. When I'm dressed, I feel a sense of calm I don't have when in drab. It feels like I can finally let go of all the male stereotypes I've adopted to be part of the stereotypical male group. Every time I dress and then have to go back to drab, it feels like I'm putting on a heavy backpack I've been carrying for long hike that I took off for just a short rest. My resolution is not only to dress more but also to be more comfortable with being myself outside in public rather than the relative safety of my house.

[~Joanne~]

How many of you are also uncomfortable in drab?

I have never felt this once, therefore it confirms my thought, feelings, and emotions that I am solely a CD and not anything more. Like the other girls that responded, I enjoy both worlds and can back, forth, or somewhere inbetween on a whim.

[Jenniferathome]

Not me. I'm a dude. I love being a dude including the ease of wearing clothes designed for me, a dude. Sometimes, I like dressing as a woman. I'm a typical cross dresser.

[Andrea_cd]

After many conversations with my wife some ending in tears some ending neither of us talking to each other for the day we have come to the conclusion if i was in a different universe and i never meet my wife or had 2 beautiful children I would most probally be a fully time gal , but im not and i love my family more than anything so i will continue to balance between Andrea and myself and give my family my love and support and dress when i can . Best answer i can give

[Georgina]

I don't have two people within me so haven't any conflicts. I am comfortable with any topic no matter how I am dressed. I am just a bloke who likes "women's" clothes, ie a crossdresser.

[Rogina B]

I get paid for what I know and do and work for myself. The only time that I am dressed as a male is when the work I am doing dictates "destroyable boy clothes". I am out to my crew and everyone else in my world that matters which allows me to live the life and keep the dysphoria at bay. My new DL has Rogina's pic as that is my appearance most often. I have taken the risks and created a life that makes me feel complete.

[scarletcd]

I quite often feel out of place when I am in 'drab'. I think it's something we all deal with one way or the other. I try and focus these days on the more internal aspects of things rather than just what I wear. If I feel Female in my head then more often than not I can shake the feeling that I'm not in the right attire. It rears it's head after I spend a significant amount of time as Female me however I like to focus then on the next time I can get glammed up.

[Rachael Leigh]

I'm only going to say I'm only uncomfortable at certain times and not sure that's the right word. Maybe it's more I wish I could be wearing something different like a cuter pair of shorts or something of that nature but I don't mind my drab look but my fem look is so much more fun

[bridget thronton]

And good thoughtful post - I suspect my answer is similar (I married a very nice lady and had children with her, this is the anchor I have to the male world - if I had only myself to worry about I would not be drawn back to the male world very often)

[Jacqueline Vivaldi]

I also took one of those 10 question profile tests, and the results was that 100% I think like a female. Hmmmmmm. I think that I like that. At this stage I have given sufficient thought to all parts of my life that I am very comfortable dressed in either male or female attire. However, there is still this very warm, tender, gentle and special feeling that takes over me when I am dressed female and doing things female. I also do not know what a typical cross dresser is. I think all of us fit onto a rainbow, where at one end one will just put on nice girly clothes to the other end of the rainbow where one wants the clothing, feelings and sexuality of being female.

[Teresa]

Clair,
I'm hoping to get to the point when my wife has the same realisations as yours ! To be asked that question and be able to answer freely and have it accepted must be wonderful !
I feel more comfortable dressed, my wife gave me my first chance to dress and clean through the house while she found things to do in the bedroom, I thought I would be nervous, but I was happy doing it, a point I made to my wife afterwards.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wish you a happy CDing New Year !!

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

Uncomfortable? No. But certain times I really wished I could be dressed. It just makes me look more forward to the next time I am going to dress.

Even if I lived alone (of which I would probably just dress more at home) I would still find the need to enter guy mode for many things. I mean, I don't love being a guy (even though there are plenty of guy things I enjoy doing) but I understand that there are certain situations where being a guy is just plain more comfortable, applicable, and acceptable. Tracy is for when the dirty work is done, I have no prior arrangements with others, and I feel like being pretty for a few hours. I appreciate having the option of choice between my modes.

[Krisi]

As much as I enjoy dressing and being Krisi, I am not uncomfortable as a male. I've been one most of my life and I'm used to it.

[docrobbysherry]

Since I'm always uncomfortable out in vanilla land dressed, I've tried meeting up with groups of T friends in drab. It hasn't worked.:sad:

Because while I feel quite comfortable dressed in drab amongst the muggles, I felt VERY uncomfortable in drab among all my dressed T friends!:eek:

I guess it's difficult to have the possibility of dressing "both ways" isn't it?:straightface:

[Ms. Laura]

I struggle with this almost every waking moment. Yeah, I feel great anxiety in guy mode, a lot. Not always, I have guy friends and enjoy guy things. But, lately, I don't like it, I feel trapped in it.

While I am nervous about being en femme, amongst the muggles, my internal strife and anxiety dissipate.

But, I'm a husband and a dad and I want to fulfill those roles.

[Kandi Robbins]

Completely and utterly comfortable dressed and being a guy. That's who I am. Part of who I am likes to wear women's clothing and is learning to transform myself to LOOK like a woman, seeking to interact with other like minded "girls".

I will never be a woman, nor want to, not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not me. I am a crossdresser, in the most literal definition of the word. Having lived my entire life surrounded by women (Mom, sisters, wife, daughters), I have always had female things around me. I told my wife that her "half" (more like 4/5ths) of the closet was like Disneyland to me, shoes, purses, dresses, etc. Thank goodness we wear the same shoe size and she'll allow me to borrow shoes and purses when needed.

With the crossdressing compulsion ingrained in me early in life, I have come to love and enjoy the female world, so to speak. Nothing better than watching a cute outfit come together, from simply a skirt to something I am damn proud of and looking forward to showing to the world!

In closing, as I tend to ramble here, to quote a friend here in the forum, "I like my junk".

[Leasa Wells]

I struggle with this on a daily basis, its my ying an yang of life. I wonder what it would be like to not have to deal with this, I find no answers. The internal war has been going on since childhood, its nice to have this forum knowing I am not alone.

[Katey888]

Hi Claire,

I do suspect this is one of those criteria that settles us at someplace along the CD/TG/TS spectrum... (only ONE, mind...)

I'm almost entirely happy (lazy! :devil:) being a guy, but I love the times when I can get the girl together too - infrequent as it may be...

With the strong opinions and experiences of folk here who do live a 24/7 lifestyle, I've often pondered the 'what if' question: if I had complete freedom, how much would I do it... And I think it would still only be for special events - there'd just be a fair few more than today... but not 100% - not even 10% probably... :)

Interesting one...

Katey x

[Cheryl T]

Your situation seems fairly similar to mine and I second Kim's feelings.
It's gotten more and more difficult over the last few years to continually change back and forth and I find myself annoyed, sometimes mad that I must. If it were not for my wife I would most certainly be full time.
Retirement is on the horizon and we are thinking of relocating. At that time it may just come to pass that he leaves this state and I take up residence in the next. We'll see what transpires.

[Karen62]

As much as I enjoy dressing and being Krisi, I am not uncomfortable as a male. I've been one most of my life and I'm used to it. This is how I feel as well. I don't feel uncomfortable in drab any more than I feel uncomfortable breathing. It is ubiquitous, commonplace, and a total non-event. I'm used to it! A couple of years ago, in my own "self-analysis" of what was going on and what I could do about it with my ever-growing desire to dress in feminine clothes, I concluded the appeal for me in dressing in feminine finery was that it was still a novelty, something very special, associated with joy and happiness (not to mention a bit of titillation). which was why it was so rewarding. I recalled the old saying "Every day can't be Christmas," which I understood to mean a special day is no longer special when it is commonplace. So to try to break the novelty appeal of dressing, I made the effort to dress constantly (when at home), even on days when I really didn't feel like doing so. I pushed it to make it such a commonplace event that I'd get bored with it. Hmmm. That didn't work out as expected. I always found contentment and peace when I dressed, despite being commonplace, and that was even true when I really was too tired or worn out from work to do so. So my own search for where my personal boundaries are for this continue as well.

[Natasha V]

I have been having those thoughts lately , after a long day at work there's nothing more that I enjoy then slipping on a nice maxi Dress to lounge around the house with my earrings a little makeup. Then settle in for a nice cup of tea or read a magazine. I would really love to do it out shopping but I am afraid of bringing more struggles into my life. I really enjoy the time my wife and I enjoy now even if I only dress at home.

[CynthiaD]

I feel uncomfortable in drab all the time. When I go a long time without dressing (for me that's 2 or 3 days) I start getting edgy and irritable. It is an immense relief to get back to my normal self. En femme, that is.

[Carolana]

You know what I find intriguing? I have observed that it is perfectly normal and acceptable in our culture and society to see women shopping for men's clothing and also wearing them (with the exception of shoes, I suppose). People don't even think twice about it. And hardly ever, if ever, does the stigma 'cross dresser' ever get attached. And yet that is technically what they are doing when they are doing it. Are any of them connecting it with 'feeling' like a man? And yet here we are discussing whether any man here feels uncomfortable in men's clothing (drab). Incredible! There are differing reasons why men cross dress. These differences come to light in this kind of thread. Its been an interesting read.

[Jenniferathome]

Women do not cross dress as you portray it. They wear women's pants, made and deigned for women. Same for shirts, jackets, etc.

[Anna H]

I got rid of 'guy mode' months ago....and won't go back to
that again...lol!

I've never been happier or more content in my life! :)

♥

[Beverley Sims]

I am going to have to wear guy clothes for a short while in four weeks time, I am not looking forward to it.

[suchacutie]

My lack of comfort shows up when I am presenting in one of my genders too much of the time. Usually (but not always) that means too much time in drab (it's just life!). Sometimes I don't really know what my problem is until my wife asks if I need some Tina-time. It's great to have such a perceptive wife!

[Samantha Clark]

The best threads here are the ones that provoke introspection and self awareness. This is one of those threads. As someone who is an occasional neck down dresser and every day underdresser, my take on this is a bit different. I don't feel uncomfortable in drab. Sometimes I think about this CD business and shake my head at myself in disbelief. Other times the urge to put on a dress and shoes with my daily hose is unbearably strong. I would like to take the plunge and try makeup and wig but don't have any opportunity for that. My wife is still trying to get her head around my desire to wear a dress and I don't want to to go too far too fast for her.

So while I don't feel uncomfortable in drab I would like to dress more and more often. Make sense?

[Nikki A.]

While I'm not uncomfortable being a guy, there are times when I wish I could wear more of my female clothes more openly as a guy. Then there are other times I like going all out and being as passable as possible.
My biggest regret this year was not being able to go to a fancy New Years party and getting all glammed up.
On the other hand I'm not really sure that I'd like to be a female full time either. I guess I enjoy the flexibility of having a foot in both doors.

[Kandi Robbins]

Brenda, it makes perfect sense!

[MissTee]

Not me. What I have learned about myself is that I'm more guy than girl in a lot of ways. I enjoy all the drab things in my life, even competing for alpha male status with the rest of the herd. I am protector and provider for my family and I like that. I enjoy cycling, fishing, building and fixing things, and doing so in drab. So, to me, there is a lot about my drabmosphere that I embrace.

Dressing affords me the opportunity to put the drab aside for a while and refresh from the soul outward. In that sense most times dressing is a need or a calling rather than a desire. However, I have no appetite for any change to the comfortable duality I already enjoy.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Claire,
I do suspect this is one of those criteria that settles us at someplace along the CD/TG/TS spectrum... (only ONE, mind...)
Katey x

Hi Katey,

Indeed! I'm fascinated by the range of responses this and similar threads have generated. I look forward to hearing how others feel about this.

I might quibble with being "settled" somewhere along the TG spectrum. For me, the position seems to shift with time .. sometimes to the left (blue?) and sometimes to the right (pink?) but maybe, as my original post indicated, I'm starting to settle more toward the "pink" side. Although I'm not sure that "pink" equates to TS....

BTW, thanks for being a great moderator! :)

Hugs, Claire

[Andrea Renea]

I'm actually very comfortable in drab. I spend most of my time that way. Being en femme is a nice occasional thing I enjoy.

[lynda]

hi girls, i never dress completly in drab ,i am always wearing some womens stuff. in drab i dress like most the gg dress . womens jeans ,hoodie bra and panties , ugg boots so i just blend every thing . hugs love lynda

[EllenJo]

I am comfortable in my drab work clothes while working. However as soon as I get home each day, I am into a skirt with pantyhose and flats. I am just more comfortable in a skirt. I don't think I would ever want to live full time, but then again I am pretty much full time at home.
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[Jacqueline Vivaldi]

A slightly different perspective about dressing for you. For forty years I thought that I would pass, but never ventured outside. Then after working on my body, face etc., I decided to test the water. Apparently, I completely passed and I felt such joy. In the last few months I have gone out dressed many times, and the last time I felt a little disappointed. I had taken on the challenge, met it and had won. I should have been elated. What else was next for me? Then after dressing at home several times and feeling so happy, I concluded that I should just concentrate on hugging the joys of my female being, and not at all think about challenges. Wasn't my sadness just wacko! Has anyone else experienced this situation?

[mechamoose]

While I have all kinds of respect for those of us who 'pass', we still don't have that gear.

We can be empathic as hell, but we don't FEEL those things. We WANT to, but we CAN'T.

Understand your limitations, and be as receptive and open as you can be. We may not be genetically female, but it isn't for lack of trying.

- MM

[Alice Torn]

I have to say, that i am like Doc Robby Sherry said, on this issue. Uncomfortable in drab, among dressers, and Tg. Uncomfortable as Alice around general public.

[Angie G]

At times I do. But my family needs my man side. Even if my wife is the only one that knows I dress.:hugs:
Angie

[donnalee]

The older I get, the less comfortable I am in guy clothes; As soon as I get home I have to change and get into a skirt or a dress if I'm gone too long (5 hours seems to be the limit now). I still leave the house drab to take care of business, but I feel I still need to do it this way in order to avoid complicating my life any further.

[Barbara Dugan]

I have a Boyfriend and even he accept me either way I present myself, I feel uncomfortable when I am at his side and not dressed enfeme

[Eryn]

Claire, I understand exactly how you feel and I had similar feelings at the New Years party I attended.

Six GGs and five guys, myself included. None of them know about Eryn. I'm dressed in my boy clothes, though the jeans are actually black ladies' 505s with very subtle embellishments. I was wearing some holiday earrings in the shape of little red bells.

We met at a restaurant and while waiting for a table everyone is socializing. One of the women present has always been accepting of my male presentation which often includes small femme elements like earrings. She has complimented me on them in the past. At this occasion she brought out several necklaces of plastic beads. I initially thought that they were for everyone, but no, they were just for the ladies.

I realize that this is a trivial matter and that most people won't really understand it, but emotionally I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I'm very lucky that I get to have a lot of feminine experiences and interactions, but sometimes the fact that I don't really belong is driven home unmistakably.

[kimdl93]

That's a very insightful observation, Eryn. I have to say, with each passing year I feel a stronger desire to share those one of the girls moments, on those occasions when I cannot....and less enthusiasm for sitting around the bull pen with the other guys engaged in macho small talk.

[BillieAnneJean]

I am a late bloomer. I am completely comfortable in drab. Being in drab most of the time, say six days a week, makes being enfemme, say one day a week, that much more different, sensuous. Being enfemme that one day a week makes choosing to go back to drab that much better. I like being a guy. I like being a guy who is wearing a dress and knows that I can choose to be either. I like the freedom that CDing has brought.

I sympathize with those who are compelled to dress and those who are in the wrong body gender. I have not experienced their longings but that does not stop me from offering support and friendship. Like a gay person offering friendship and support to a hetero person. We don't need to have experience with their burden to offer simple human compassion judgement free.

But as a late bloomer I am unsure about how long I can keep doing this before I just look like an old man in a dress. So I hope to be enfemme once a week on average.

This is SUCH FUN!

[Claire Cook]

Thanks again everyone for your posts to this thread. It's interesting that many of us feel more comfortable en femme the older we get -- I know I do.

Barbara, that was a very touching comment about your boyfriend.

Eryn, I very much empathize with your comments about "left out" when not being treated as female. I do find that when I am en drab but with a group of GG's who know about me, I seem to be more included. Not 100%, it's true, but certainly to some extent. Perhaps if the group includes people who don't know about us, those who do are just trying to be careful not to "out" us?

At the New year's brunch that set this off I found myself more often with groups of women than with groups of guys -- but I would rather be with women anyway. At least I feel more comfortable with them, no matter my presentation.

[Judith96a]

I wouldn't say that I'm uncomfortable in drab. Most of the time being, and dressing as, a guy is just fine. Except when I catch sight of some nice jewellery that I'd like to wear or a nice dress or ... (add any of the many visual triggers) and I just want to slip into "Judith mode". Typical hetero male cross-dresser I suppose!

Judith

[crissytgirl]

I'm not uncomfortable in drab. Dressing as a guy is fine by me. I do however, get more of urge to dress if I see clothes I would like, or girl wearing something that I would love to have. Then, the need to dress becomes very intense. If I can't dress for some reason to fulfill the urge, then I get rather irritable and not fun to be around! :)