In your 50's

[Kandi Robbins]

Is it me (and I am new at this forum stuff), but is certainly seems that many of us girls come to the realization that this is not going away and begin the process of doing something about it (self-acceptance, telling someone, telling out SOs, joining here, first time out) in our 50s? I am, of course, drawn to posts that are similar to mine and have noticed many new members (myself only a 1 month member) generally within my age group. Why is that?

Maturity? Lower testosterone? Weariness from keeping things bottled up? Realizing that what others think doesn't matter to your happiness? Empty nests? All of the above? Something else?

What do you think?

[VS Fan]

It's likely a variety of things, but ultimately it comes down to the balance of "what I want" vs "what I am expected to do" and the overall risk associated with tipping the balance towards "what I want." This would be based on the things you mentioned, kids left the house, career more near to the end than the beginning and not as risky to be "outed", perhaps a divorce has left you free to your own devices, etc. In all honesty, it's similar to a "mid life crisis" in that you realize you're not getting any younger and NOW is your time to have fun and enjoy life.

My 2 cents!
VS Fan

[audreyinalbany]

could be that in our fifties we begin to see the end of the trail a-comin', and maybe we just assume a "here goes nothing' attitude

[EllenJo]

Kandi said "Maturity? Lower testosterone? Weariness from keeping things bottled up? Realizing that what others think doesn't matter to your happiness? Empty nests? All of the above? Something else?"

All of the above and then some. I realized in my 50's that this made me happy and it is my life. I am the care giver for my wife who is in poor health. I work, take care of the yard, pay the bills and do the grocery shopping. Ellen Jo cooks, cleans and takes care of my wife. I am glad for the help, I don't think I could do it all by myself.

Hugs
Ellen Jo

[jacques]

empty nest plus time is starting to run out and perhaps fewer inhibitions as we head towards Oldtimers?
luv J

[nikki2014]

I think it's a multitude of things. As we get older, and I'm not far behind you, we become more aware of the things around us, more aware of the things we want, and more aware of other peoples reaction on things, etc. As we get older we become more aware of a lot of things that help us understand this crazy thing we do called Crossdressing and we become more comfortable when all these things are put together. We can come to grips with these things and we can better explain to our friends, partners, wives, and family of what we have been doing behind the confinements of our own door. I think we have come to the time where we ourselves accept it too. Nikki

[MissTee]

I have written for years and one of the things that comes up often in creative writing seminars/classes is how people, beginning in their fifties (50's), become more "reflective." Many begin writing at that age and make decent writers. A belief is that they have a lot of experience to draw on along with a well rounded perspective of life as it was and perhaps as it will be. My two cents, then, is that same reflective trait emerges within our CD behavior and drives an acceptance of it that we have not previously adopted.

[Jamie Lynn]

A little of what everyone below says. For me it's a little of trying to find a way to (maybe?) truly relax and be free (oxymoron?) and not feel forced to be "conforming" in everything we do. "Girls just want to have fun" and DAMNIT, I want to have fun too!! It's a way to release some of the pressure!

[Jackie7]

Like many others I came out in my mid-50s and there were three things that made it both possible and (to me at the time) imperative. First, the children were grown and mostly gone, though my youngest was living in the in-law apartment with his soon-to-be-wife. So no need to sneak around them. Second, my marriage was coming unstuck for a lot of reasons, by desire to release my inner femme not least among them but not the only issue either. Third, my mother died. I think that last was the key, without fear of her disapproval there was nothing left to stop me.

[Isabella Ross]

For me, it was my 40s. But all the factors listed above played out. I had an overpowering conviction that I'd been dishonest to myself and my love ones for too long, that I couldn't face another year of closeted frustration, that life was too short. Wish I'd reached the same conclusions about a decade or two earlier.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think we have internal alarm clocks programmed early in life, which can go off at unexpected moments. Simple as that. Of course taking the cloth out of our ears so we can hear the ringing is also a factor.

[Jane Doe]

Me? Kids gone,marriage gone, new beautiful lady that supports my activities, and the desire to at least behave in a more dignified way that I find impossible to do n my male lifestyle. That and reminiscing over the missed opportunities of long ago when I started crossdressing. Perhaps its because I have a better disposable income that I can go out and buy that expensive new set of cheeky underwear I have been thinking about. Either way, I don't really worry about how and why, I simply enjoy the enjoyment.
Jane X

[bridget thronton]

I think the mature brain and the process of really becoming self-actualized is a good part of it for me.

[Kandi Robbins]

Wow, I kind of thought this would spark some conversation. This is great!!!! I certainly have become much more reflective about my life (this forum contributing to that) and made many changes to how I approach things. You girls really make me feel "normal" about my feelings.

The topper is my wife was just cleaning out her closet and I picked up 3 pairs of heels (one of which are my favorite!), two pair of pants, a top and a sweater. Life is good!!!!

Keep this conversation going, I am really learning.

[Carolana]

Kandi, we have a lot in common. You said it well. Good questions. There's plenty of confession and innuendo, that you and I and others have tried to fight this off over the years and have finally quit fighting. Now we find ourselves here as part of that process.

[Heidi Stevens]

Kandi, thanks for the thread. I usually don't reply to threads on the "main" board as they can and do show up when you're googled. That said, being almost 59, Ive decided that I'd like to spend my remaining years as guilt free as possible. I know a lot of us in our 50s didn't have the luxury of going out in public in our 20's and 30's because of societal norms, making a living, kids, and understanding spouses. Today, our younger sisters have the knowledge of knowing in just a few key strokes what took us years to accumulate about our community. Armed with the same knowledge, I plan to have as much fun as I can in my remaining years. I realize I can't stop what I'm doing, so I'll control it as best as I can to protect those I love and charge into the sunset! Heels and all!

[Stephanie47]

You pose a good question. Me? In my earlier days I did not have much opportunity to express myself within my own set boundaries of contentment. When I retired my wife was still working, and, she still is working Monday through Friday. I found the additional time afforded me the opportunity to "relax" and not be hurried. I also knew I did not have to look over my shoulder with the old "risk vs. reward" issue. As I am not employed I do not have to worry about losing my job or bearing the consequences of being "self outed." I don't know if hormones have anything to do with cross dressing.

There may also be another reason why you see more older people joining, and, I will have to state my observation with a little "tongue in cheek." It takes some effort time wise to express oneself. I do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. I truly believe those forms of media prevent a lot of people from expressing themselves in more than a few words. Someone above made some comments about creative writing. How can one express themselves if he or she never had to write a short story or term paper, and, his or her life experience has been nothing but a tweet or one liners?

Another possibility is the younger people have not yet become comfortable with themselves. Sure, this site is accepting of our life choices, but, it really is not reflective of society. In general most younger people may be accepting of each other, but, the old "not in my backyard" is still prevalent. Also, youngsters still have to deal with the older people who may not be so accepting and truly rule the roosts in society. I have read many posts of youngsters here. It seems many are still living with parents or are in school/living arrangements which do not offer ample time to truly express themselves.

[Nikki A.]

I fit into this category also. As we hit our fifties our responsibilities to others lessen and we have the time to explore what makes us happy.
My kids were in college, my wife had passed away, leaving me with the time and the lack of having to compromise. Although one of my kids is back at home ( at least until he pays of some of his loans, thankfully he is doing very well job wise). I still get some time to my self and can indulge my femme side.

[paulaprimo]

my breakout moment was in my fifties and i'm not sure if i can explain why.
i think my pot just boiled over and came here for a sense of "belonging".
i've stopped asking about the "why's", and just enjoy...
and besides i look much younger with make-up... :)

[Rachael Leigh]

I think you hit a lot of what finally made me be more accepting. I'm 53 and I did finally understand it's just a part of me I need to manage and deal with. It's so much harder though on our wives and I have to do a better job on that part too.
I am happier now that I have this as a part of me and know I've got folks here who understand me. It has made it eaiser for sure

[Katey888]

This:


empty nest plus time is starting to run out and perhaps fewer inhibitions as we head towards Oldtimers?
luv J

and this:


There may also be another reason why you see more older people joining, and, I will have to state my observation with a little "tongue in cheek." It takes some effort time wise to express oneself. I do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. I truly believe those forms of media prevent a lot of people from expressing themselves in more than a few words. Someone above made some comments about creative writing. How can one express themselves if he or she never had to write a short story or term paper, and, his or her life experience has been nothing but a tweet or one liners?

and this in spades!:


and besides i look much younger with make-up... :)

Thanks Paula - it somehow seems less embarrassing if someone else says it first... :D

OK - so I haven't fully 'outed' and likely won't short term, but I still feel there's a clock-a-tickin' somewhere, and I am embracing more experiential life lately, so why not explore a part of me that has been deliberately suppressed in earlier years. Turns out I have something of a talent for art (helps with makeup guys... ;)) and can be a pretty mean cake-maker too... Don't ask me what that has to do with anything - I'm just bragging... :o

I think there's been a backlog of wanting to be the 'attractive' one; yearning for glamour and really, REALLY wanting to know what it feels and tastes like; and finally just wanting to express a little bit of latent femininity in a feminine presentation rather than a camp, male one...

Works for me! :yahoo:

Katey x

[Jean 103]

Age, I’m sure plays into it as well as a time in life that there is a new found freedom. You couple that with the technology of today. With commutation now how would you know what is the average CDers age. Just this morning I received an email form a young singer/songwriter I met on a recent trip. I told her that I would like more CDs (music) I know a dated medium. She sent me two links to places you can stream her music online. So my question would be are we stuck in the past on this site. I’m not complaining, just wondering are the younger girls just somewhere else.

[Alice Torn]

Well, i am 60, now, one of the rare never married single here, and dressed first at age 14, then only once a year or so tried on hose, then age 51, bought my first used dress, wig, heels, and been dressing several times a month ever since. Not ever having a beautiful wife, i dress up as the woman I would like to be with, only she is a creation of mine, in the mirror. There are other reasons, to, like my dad always resenting me, and he wanted only daughters.

[Samantha Clark]

For me, I think it has something to do with reaching a point in my life where I have accomplished everything I set out to accomplish professionally and with family, and I have less need to please others in order to achieve something. I have been able to be more contemplative and self-reflective, more in touch with my own feelings, more emotional. The long repressed feelings just bubbled up to the surface, and I wasn't afraid of them for once in my life.

Still struggling to sort it out, but I'm no longer ignoring my feelings and needs. Yes, at >50 is when this all started with me.

[Amy Fakley]

I have a theory on this, based purely on my own experience and from hanging around the forum the past few years. So take it for what it's worth, but there seems to be a pattern ...


You already gotta have your wires crossed

Perhaps from birth, or whatever it is ... we read on here all the time, the "typical" story of how we started out feeling the ways that we do from almost our first memories (or very young anyhow). Obviously there are many exceptions. But the pattern has this pre-condition: that it's been simmering under your skin for a long while.


Somehow, you find the space, and time to work out your feelings

My experience was that I buried my feelings as deep as I could and intentionally wrapped myself up with unending distractions and responsibilities. I was literally trying to hide from myself. I think that happens for a lot of us, and when we finally encounter a circumstance that clears it all away, then we have time to think, and the puzzle pieces start to fit.


You experience your mortality

Not a required component of the pattern but we read about it a lot here, and it is something that was true in my experience: at some point you viscerally experience your mortality in a way that is new to you. For me, it was a bout with cancer. That sort of experience imparts a clarity that I think is needed to reach the critical mass necessary to ...


Decide to do something about it

Maybe that's buying your first wig and "putting yourself together" for the first time, or maybe you got to that point years ago ... but the pattern is this: in your mind, you have admitted to yourself "this is who I am, and I'm ok with it, and I'm going to own this part of me"


a thousand flowers bloom

The list of "firsts" keeps growing, you make peace with yourself and possibly others about this, etc.



Maybe there's more to this pattern, I got no idea what comes next. But I do think that it's less to do with age, and more to do with the pieces of that pattern falling into place. I think statistically, we're possibly more likely to hit that pattern as we approach retirement age, and the kids move out etc. For me, it happened in my 30's ... it might have waited a lot longer if I hadn't forcibly been given the downtime to make since of my feelings on account of health stuff ... I may have continued secretly doing my thing in the back of the closet, and trying incessantly to put it out of my mind for a lot longer ...

[Kandi Robbins]

Keep the comments coming!!! I am learning soooo much about myself right now. I read a comment and think, "that's me", another one and think "I've done that" or "I had forgotten about that". Just great and I don't have to lie down on a couch for this type of therapy.

Thanks everyone!!!!

[Kate Simmons]

It seems that in that age we don't have quite as many anchors to weigh us down and if we have done things right over the years and learned. we tend to do things smarter instead of harder. :)

[Megan Nicole]

Great thread! Happened late 40's on my end & now at 50 I feel so much better. All similar stories as many of you. Kids still at home though. Still in the closet although my wonderful wife realized her guy seems to be a little left of center, but I've accepted myself for who I am within the last couple years and my life is so much better for it. This web site really helped a lot as I soon realized there were many of us in the same situation & we are not small in number. Still, I'm not sure what magically snapped and changed things for me, but again, I see I'm not the only one & it seems many of us are in the same situation. Oh, and I do think a lower T level may have helped here.

Megan

[Leslie Langford]

In my case, all of the above as well, Kandi, and to that you can add the growing realization that there were now more years behind me than ahead of me, and that my remaining time on this Earth was finite. If I didn't "own" my transgenderism now, I never would. In short, my 50's represented a watershed decade for me.

They began with my wife insisting just before my 50th birthday that we see a therapist for joint counselling to come to grips with my crossdressing and find some answers as to how we could salvage our marriage which at the time was on a collision course with some very jagged rocks ahead, the crossdressing being a major elephant in the room. It was the first time that I had ever opened up to anyone else besides my wife about this part of me, and the thought of doing so was absolutely terrifying initially. Imagine my shock, then, when I discovered that not only was the therapist (a female, B.T.W.) totally nonchalant about the whole thing, she actually took my wife to task for making an issue of it now i.e. after close to 30 years of marriage, when she would have had ample opportunity to leave the marriage beforehand and get on with her life if this was such a big deal for her. The other eye-opener for me was seeing the therapist explain to my wife what crossdressing was (and wasn't), and that this wasn't just some "perversion" or character flaw that could be corrected by an intervention, as my wife had clearly hoped would be one of the outcomes of our sessions. I had tried to explain the same thing to her many times in the past with little success, but hearing this from a professional now had a profound impact on her.

The therapist also explained that being a crossdresser was not just something I did - on a more fundamental level, it was what I actually was, and part of my core being. This was the first time in my life that I had seen my crossdressing proclivities presented in that light, and suddenly so much of what I had already been feeling on a subconscious level began to make sense. Of course, we all know now that this is the essence of what being "transgender" is all about, but this was 1998, the Internet was still in its infancy to some extent, and useful information there on crossdressing and transgenderism was still relatively sparse and not always spot-on. Still, this was a major revelation to me, and it went a long way to erasing much of the guilt that I had borne in the past not only about having these urges, but also for not having been upfront with my wife about them before we were married. Like so many of my generation, I erroneously believed that this crossdressing business was just a phase and that marriage - and a regular sex life - would make these feelings go away. NOT! - as we all realize sooner or later...

Having this burden of guilt removed form my shoulders seemed to give me "permission" to continue down this path of self-awareness and exploration of my feminine side, and my comfort level with this (and my female wardrobe) began to expand exponentially as a result. This was also fueled in part by the stress arising over a number of life-changing events at the time, including job losses due to the economy tanking, becoming empty nesters as the children went off to university, and welcoming new members into the family as they married and established households of their own. During this time, my wife and I also settled into a sometimes testy DADT relationship over my crossdressing which continues to this day, although her stance has softened somewhat over the years.

The big change for me, however, was that I began to go out in public en femme for the first time in my late 50's as all this was gelling, with the main triggers being that I had the opportunity to be away from home for extended periods of time due to the aforementioned job changes, as well as the fact that my formerly dark beard had gone almost completely gray at that point, greatly facilitating my ability to either "pass" or "blend" in with the dreaded "5 o'clock shadow" no longer being a limiting factor.

For me, the rest is history now. I go out in public as "Leslie" whenever the opportunity arises and have been able to check off most of the personal crossdressing "must haves" on my Bucket List in the process. This includes professional makeovers and mani's, salon wig purchases, shopping and trying on women's clothes, lingerie, and shoes en femme, using the ladies' washrooms unhindered, going to GG-centric events such as the local annual National Women's Show, museum visits, and attending theater productions etc., etc. Not only does all this get easier and easier with time, it has also started to feel both normal and natural and gives me a sense of inner peace and fulfillment that is hard to put into words.

So yes, my 50's definitely were a defining period in my life during which I fully connected with the "inner girl", and I haven't looked back since...

[GemmaK]

The first time I cross-dressed was in my 50s - for NYE. I am in a conservative profession and was perceived as a somewhat dull personality. I wanted to shift that and decided to dress as a female - which certainly achieved the objective with the target audience.I didn't think of it as "cross dressing" just as fancy dress. It did, however awaken a latent desire in me to cross dress. I wish I had had the confidence and internet acquired knowledge to do so earlier as I would now not look quite such "an old man in a dress" - I'm 67.

Just before this NYE, my age inappropriate outfit crystallized an argument with my wife. To me, NYE is an opportunity to cross dress and become a younger other me for a night - dress and behave as a 20 year old again. The next day we had a more open discussion of my dressing than we've had before. The result was that she helped me choose an costume acceptable to both of us, she did my make up, advised on accessories, etc., - and it worked. I now feel no need to hide my dressing from her - which I always disliked doing - and she is going to keep her eye open for clothing that is suitable - she loves delving in sales and charity shops for her own clothes and is very fashion conscious as a former fashion window dresser.

Last night I went for a walk around town dressed as a male in female underwear, jeans, corset, and biker jacket and realised how little it would take to be perceived as female - wig, shoes/boots, and makeup - all of which I already have. Maybe on our next visit I'll complete the picture. My wife has, I think, accepted that my cross-dressing is not going to go away and a little compromise should see us achieve an acceptable outcome for us both.

My 50s were important, but I think that I may have acted on my latent desires at any time that I realised that those desires were not as "off the wall" as I had hitherto thought. Realising that I was not quite as odd as I thought and seeing others dressing, etc., was probably a much bigger influence on me than my age.

[Sophie Yang]

Kandi,

See the December 2014 edition of the Atlantic. The cover story "The Real Roots of Midlife Crisis. It's not what you think -- and new research shows you start getting happier at 50." by Jonathan Rauch. Part of the new found happiness happens to many people our age independent of our proclivity to CD.

[Teresa]

Kandi,
If you look back through coming out stories you may find many have come out in their forties ! As I did, it didn't go well !!
I'm beginning to think it's a twenty year cycle because I'm pushing now to change my Cding arrangement and I've found many stories again of members in their sixties going through a period of change or wanting it ! Being stuck in the closet in your sixties begins to look ridiculous and gets harder to live with , besides time is running out to enjoy a few years of comfortable dressing !

[CarlaWestin]

................................I had an overpowering conviction that I'd been dishonest to myself.......................

At around 50 I found that my judgement was still haunted by the untruths I had been raised with. When you live in Las Vegas, you get a real feel for peoples perception of luck and superstition. I used to carry around a lot of guilt about my sneaky crossdressing and used to attribute every bad event in my life to some kind of supernatural retribution from a previous crossdressing session. I even thought that if I changed my route to work that had some connection.

So I had a revelation. The truth has no agenda. I decided that there is no such thing as luck, good or bad. Money is just about plus and minus.
Do the right thing even when no one is looking.

And, I am a crossdresser.

So, the truth had to prevail. It was eye opening. I eliminated all dishonest behavior, no matter how slight. I actually analyzed and formulated a viable retirement plan. I started listening to all the dumb stuff people believed in.

And, I told my Wife that I was an active crossdresser.
That was the last piece of the puzzle.

It's not perfect but, it's definitely honest.

[Kandi Robbins]

Learning a lot here. Thanks, girls!!!!

[Melissa18]

Hi kandi,
I love this question and I would have given my 2 cents worth earlier but I was on a self imposed exile from the forum!
I think a lot of the 50's coming out has a lot to do with how we ladies deal with the mid life crisis.

A lot men deal with their mid life crises by having an extra marital affair, taking a trophy wife/girlfriend taking up extreme sports, buying a new sports car/ motor cycle, riding bicycles across the world, start living their life like Ernest Hemingway.

While us ladies when the dreaded MId life crisis hits, like to go and buy a new dress, have a make over discuss make up and fashion and indulge in one extreme sport, which is coming out to our spouses of twenty odd years!

[TerriM]

I was almost 30 when i first got fully dressed, besides a couple halloween parties which I really don't count. I saw something in a magazine and went to a boutique that catered to CD's and found out about some CD parties. I went to the parties and met people just like me. Fast forward to the present. Im 66, retired and been out numerous times over the years. When I was in my 50's my urge was stronger than ever. But my family has always come first. I have met TGs that they were in their 60's and even 70's and were out for their first time.

[Beverley Sims]

When I was twenty I thought like you do I don't think it is an age thing at all.

[wanda66]

several ladys have talked about haveing accomplished the goals that they wanted . Now in later life this surpressed goal becomes the center of our attention. As far back as i can rember i love wearing my moms things . Now in my 60s I have my own wardrobes. Iam able now to let the fem side of me blossom , I guess it depends on the path we start on , but we all seem to get t the same destination sooner or later..

[rachael.davis]

I've had a couple of discussions with my GI therapist, if you think about it in the 70's & 80's the only portrayal of transgendered people in popular media was either as comic relief (the producers), or moral depravity (Caberet), what few magazines (what was it "tapestry"?) that weren't absolutely disgusting were still only carried in porno shops, and there wasn't a vocabulary for who we were
so that kind of kills out the 20's & 30's for a lot of us
Ahhhh - the internet starts coming in, you start realizing you're not alone, you're not some sort of degenerate, a vocabulary starts to develop for who we are but a lot of family obligations developed and were honored
Now I've used up more of my life than I have got left to live but It's turning into very much my life

I'm sure if I had been born in 1990 all other things being equal I would have run towards full time & transition by the time I was twenty