My wife coming out.

[I Am Paula]

Call me a slow learner.
Yesterday my wife, and I, went to a funeral in her hometown. There was about 150 people she knew, going back to high school. Of course only her close family knew about me, and to make things even more difficult, a small handful of them had been at our wedding.
So much has been discussed about my coming out. It's difficulties, the whispers behind my back, the stupid questions, and the speculation about my sexuality.
Yesterday it sank in...She had to come out too! I'm sure a hundred people drove away from that funeral saying 'I never knew Barb *** was gay'. Most of the folks at the funeral did not know who I was, and, as is polite, asked my connection to the deceased. My wife's family has been in the area for 150 years, and everybody knows them. My answer each time 'I'm Barb ***'s wife'. Long silence...'Oh, that's nice'...move on. Others went up to Barb, and said, 'I just met your.....(extra long pregnant pause)......wife'.
Here's the slow learner part. I hadn't put that much thought into Barbs coming out. She does not consider herself gay, but she's faced the same innuendo, snickers, speculation, and judgement that I have been. I came out with one big announcement. Barb has to do it each time she runs into an acquaintance who asks to be introduced. She has been a trooper, but deep down, she must think 'Oh Christ, not again' each social situation.
I had not made any New Year's resolutions. Now, I will try to put myself in her shoes when I can. She's had just as difficult a time as I have with this.

[Leah Lynn]

Paula, i'm a widower, so I need not go through this, but it must take a toll on Barb. She must love you with no bounds, whatsoever, to go through it.

You are truly blessed!

Hugs,

Leah

[Kris Avery]

Paula,
You have an amazing wife. You are so blessed.

[PretzelGirl]

God bless them. My wife has totally embraced it and worked hard to move from "Steve transitioned to Sue" to "Hi, this is my wife". It isn't an easy thing and is a reflection of love and determination. Love that lady. She is special!

[I Am Paula]

Sue- Barb has just progressed from 'This is my husband, who used to be Paul', to this is my wife. That is probably the single biggest milestone in our relationship. Sounds like you have a very special lady too. These are not baby steps, these are huge honkin' leaps.

[Kimberly Kael]

Yes, that realization is something of a wake up call except that arguably you have it backwards. My wife never describes it as having to come out of her own closet, but rather as being forced into one. She's now a closeted heterosexual who everyone assumes is a lesbian. It's frustrating and isn't something you should take lightly. After all, we know how hard it can be to assume an identity that feels wrong, don't we? It doesn't come up as often as gender identity but it can be a source of stress nonetheless.

[Nigella]

For those of us who are fortunate to have an SO stay with us through this need to understand that they have a whole set of "coming out" experiences of their own. It is often said that to transition you have to be selfish to the extent of excluding even those close to us.

It is a true testament to those who remain by our sides to be able to handle not only us, but everyone else at the same time. Sandra has often been told "you are very brave", to which she just replies "No I'm not, I'm just me".

She has never considered herself anything more special than any other woman who loves her partner unconditionally. I salute each and every SO who stays by their "husbands" side when they become the real person they are.

[kimdl93]

That's a pretty useful insight. Even for someone who is middle path, each person I come out to inevitably makes assumptions, correct or otherwise about my wife.

[PretzelGirl]

That they are Paula. When you think about it, we accept things because we are driven this way. Their accepting being looked at different is totally for love. Yes, I have been blessed with my wife, even if she gives me headaches in other things.:D

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As a follow-up, I had a discussion with my wife about her feelings on this. She had no problem stating she loves women. But then when hanging out with friends, she would make comments with them about guys on TV. I actually had to tell her it was okay to claim to be bi. She was having more of a problem with her comments and identifying as bi.