"The Wife"

[Dianne S]

I'm not really sure which forum is appropriate for this...

I've seen quite a few posters refer to their wives as "the wife". Am I the only one who finds that phrase slightly derogatory? Hardly anyone would say "the father" or "the daughter". It sounds like "the cat" or "the dog".

Opinions?

[Lori Kurtz]

I'm sure that most guys don't mean any disrespect by that usage, and don't have the attitude that their spouses are "less than." But I have to agree, it sounds demeaning, in sort of a careless, old-fashioned way.

[MissTee]

The wife doesn't seem to mind. She calls me the husband or the DH. In any event, if I felt/heard/saw she was offended by it I would stop.

[Teresa]

Dianne,
I prefer to use the label , " Wife " rather than SO ! I could not call my wife SO it sounds more like an insult to me !
If I don't know the marital status I just use , " partner ", as this covers both sexes !

[jamielynn_ca]

Reminds me of (the female) Starbuck referring to the baby as "it". Loved that, and definitely derogatory...

[Megan70]

I wondered if I was the only one. Yes I find it more than derogatory. Its insulting and invalidating your beloved spouse into a non entity, an adjective functioning as a noun. It also scorches my hyney to refer to their girlfriend, wife or partner as 'significant other'. That's really misogynist. Is there an 'insignificant other?'It shows them as 'nonobjective' My wife is my wife, lover,partner and friend.

[Genifer Teal]

I hate it too. When I saw thread title was ready to mention it. Then saw this is the purpose of post. Is it so much harder to say "my wife"?

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I guess it's in the interpretation of the reader, and poster. I'm pretty sure I've referred to my wife as "the Mrs, the wife, the boss, the owner, the ruler etc." My intent in using those terms is not to be demeaning, it's just what comes to mind. In regards to "the cat", I'm actually a step or two below "cat's" :o in my household or "the house hold".

Which come to think of it, "the wife" does not sound very good grammatically. Example " I have had conversations with "the wife" about the current rules in regards to dressing, does not sound as good as "I have had conversations with "my wife" about the current rules in regards to dressing. New years resolution try to no longer use "the wife" in post.:thumbsup:

[Marcelle]

You will probably find that most do not mean anything derogatory by the term "the wife" it is probably something they have used in the vernacular so long that they are not even aware they are using it in that manner. I would not read too much into it.

Megan I use the term "significant other" in the general sense when referring to people's partners as I am not sure what their sexual orientation is so I might say something along the lines of "How does your SO feel about that" . . . It is far easier than saying "How does your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/lover/partner/friend feel about that. I don't find the use in such reference as misogynistic just an easier way to ensure you don't arbitrarily cast someone as having a GF when they have a BF.

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

It's been awhile since this subject has been brought up. The expression "the wife" makes her seem more like a thing than a person.I never liked it. Personally I prefer to refer to people by their name as that infers a recognizable personality. :)

[UNDERDRESSER]

I know of a couple of guys that talk to, describe their partners with perfect manners. They are the most arrogant jerks in how they treat them. On the other hand, I know of several couples where the manner of talk is off the wall, and they are all wonderful, happy couples. One woman I know refers to him, as "the wife"

Talk is cheap, how you behave is what matters.

[cdinmd206]

Geez
My wife is now THE ex-wife.

[~Joanne~]

It's better than "the Idiot" which they are calling you when your not around, I hear that a lot when it comes to an SO describing their husbands/SP/whatever when ever they are talking to their friends or such. I always use "My" but I guess that changes from person to person. I wouldn't read much into it and no, it's only derogatory if you make it that way. For a lot of us here, it's to bring our SO's into a conversation without naming them or outing ourselves.

[kimdl93]

I don't think there's anything remotely derogatory in the use of this expression. Would you find it derogatory to refer to the judge, the policeman, the doctor or the astronaut? It certainly isn't a possessive term, like 'my' wife.

[sterusjon]

It is only derogatory if it was meant to be derogatory by the speaker/writer. Please try to hear and understand what others are saying. Don't put meanings into their words they did not have in their heads. Political correctness running wild, I wonder?

Stephanie

[CarlaWestin]

In posts, I use the small "w" wife as a symbolic comment to the road block of DADT. She's my life partner and soulmate yet my CD'ing is still viewed as an abomination.
So, I can imagine from her point of view I'm the husband.
Oh, and the X is definately The X!

[Dianne S]

Huh. I've always thought of "the wife" as slightly uncouth or low-class. I've never seen a GG refer to "the husband" on this forum, so maybe it is a guy culture thing.

[mechamoose]

*I'm* 'the wife'

roles, roles, (*^% roles.

Be yourself, hon. Even better if your partner understands that you are 'different'.

[Amy Fakley]

Well, yeah. That phrase has always sort of rubbed me the wrong way. At the very least you could say "my wife" ... we all don't share the same one y'know (unless of course you're trying to communicate that youre in a hippy - type polyamorous relationship or something).

I doubt anyone uses it with malice, though. My guess is its generational ... in that way, it does sort of betray an old-school sensibility about gender roles, but I really think that's probably as far as it goes. No since in really getting upset about it, unless it's used in a context where someone is clearly trying to be uncool ...

Now significant other", has always seemed appropriate in the context where you need a non-gendered term, because you're not sure which gender the other person in the relationship identifies with (if any) ... which is why I suspect it get so much usage 'round here :-)

[Dianne S]

Now significant other", has always seemed appropriate in the context where you need a non-gendered term

Yes; I have no problems with "significant other" or "SO". However, I see very few references to "the SO"; it's always "my SO". For whatever reason, "wife" seems to be the noun most often prefixed with "the" and I have no idea why that is. As I said, probably just a guy culture thing that I don't get.

[mechamoose]

Poly living arrangements are HARD.

It is WAY to easy to fall into a two on one thing... the only way to avoid that is a 5+ person relationship. that is pretty damn rare unless you are living in a commune. A 3 person arrangement is just begging for failure.

Been there, done that. Have the (bloodied) T-shirt.


(My girl calls me her wife. It makes me feel SO GOOD)

-MM

[Sarah Beth]

I don't call my wife "the wife" I call her my wife, I have heard from people when they are talking use the term "the wife" or the "the kids" or "the parents" I think it's more the tone of how it's said than it is anything else. I for one, although I have used the term on occasion, don't really like using SO when referring to my wife. To me she is much more than my significant other, she is the one I have shared the major part of my life with, which I think makes her much more than significant. The term SO just seems way to casual of a referrance for a my wife. I would use her name instead of using "my wife" but I'm not comfotable doing that in this forum withour her permission which she hasn't given.

[DeeInGeorgia]

Just remember, if your wife is the significant other, that makes you the insignificant other.

[Megan70]

Just remember, if your wife is the significant other, that makes you the insignificant other.
Bingo hit the nail on the head, answers my words exactly in post#6

[Kandi Robbins]

I would never refer to my wife as "the wife", but I certainly won't refer to her by name here (although it's unlikely any would put 2 and 2 together).

[Charlotte Haynes]

I used to work with someone who always referred to "the wife"...But he also used "the son", "the daughter", "the mother-in-law"...and my favourite...his daughter's fiancé, who he called "the boyfriend"...He was a bigoted, humourless bore...and that's about the nicest thing I can say about him.

[aussie cd]

I'm pretty sure no one here who uses the term 'the wife' does not use it in any derogatory way.......most here are using a non de plume and don't call out their partner/wife's name as they would in normal conversation
much more important things in life to worry about imo

[Katey888]

Oh dear... I think we may all be on the edge of a cultural divide here... or a sense of humour failure.... :eek: No - I'm going for cultural and colloquial English...

I put my hand up and admit that I do refer to my wife here as 'the wife'... :hiding:

I will not use her real name (which I would normally use) for the sake of privacy... but I do not use it in any sort of derogatory sense whatsoever.. Perhaps you should think more of the expression "he's the man!" - Well, to me: "She's THE wife!" :)

I will happily refer to her as this in her company and 'the wife' is not in the least offended.

I have also been known to refer to her, affectionately, as:
- The ball and chain
- Her indoors
- She who must be obeyed
- Dear heart - for which the obligatory response from her is: Undear liver... :facepalm:

And all of those are always received with the intent they are despatched...

I am certain my origins are lower class (poor, actually :)) but I don't think I'm uncouth... I don't see how a simple literary term 'invalidates' anything that my wife is... and I am against censorship and overweening political correctness... Geez, indeed... I imagine some of our SOs/GFs/Wifeys or whatever are on enough of a pedestal anyway... sometimes it doesn't hurt to be able to smile at a bit of marital banter and accept it for what it is.

Anyway, we've called each other far worse at times... ;)

Katey x

[aussie cd]

very good post Katey

[sterusjon]

I have never felt the term SO (significant other) made any comment on the significance of the not-other party in the relationship. For me, SO refers to the other member in a relationship. A relationship of some significance and substance beyond that of the other being here today and just as easily gone tomorrow. Some sort of commitment and caring beyond a casual hookup or simple platonic interaction. For me, SO is a term for speaking of relationships, where two people are navigating life's vagaries with some level of commitment, that are not well covered by terms such as husband or wife. Especially, in the current situation where the definition of marriage is itself in such a state of contention.

Stephanie

[JessicaJHall]

Yeah, good post Katey! Cultural differences aside, the king of insult comedy (no, not Triumph the puppet dog), Don Rickles used to get away with the most horrific and cringeworthy jabs, because, according to him, he loved everyone, and they could sense that. Maybe the defining line between funny, and offensive?
Back to cultural differences, I still fondly recall touring the UK and calling my male mates the C word, among other terrible things... but then we were thick as thieves.. some of us were thieves come to think of it! Now that word here in the US is VERBOTEN under ANY circumstances!:eek: Probably there too now I suspect, and for good reason!!!

[Beverley Sims]

It is not what you say, but how you say it and the inflection in your voice when you say it.

I can say "Have a nice day." and make it sound downright insulting...

Yes I have done that with effect on a number of occasions. :)

[Maria 60]

Don't see a problem with that.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Dianne, I don't care for that term either, It's always My Wife .

Once one of the guys that I worked with referred to my wife as
My Old Lady, That didn't go over well, I told him that your wife or your mother
may be YOUR Old Lady but you will refer to my wife as your wife when talking about her.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I prefer "my wife" to "the wife".

I think the wife is somewhat derogatory. Would you introduce you wife to co-workers of friends as the wife" or "my wife"?

For example, John, this is the wife Jane.

Or

John, this is my wife Jane.

I think "the wife" is just a cut above "the old lady", and below my wife.

What's funny is that I started this thread months ago and it was deleted by an admin. Cultural, I guess.

[carhill2mn]

I agree with you. I have always felt that the term "the wife" was derogatory.

[Tonya Rose]

Don`t matter how you say it.. were just trying to include them without exposing then.. this is our world and none of us are using our real name either now are we? Hmmm.:2c:

[marie_cd]

My spouse doesn't like to be referred to as "the wife" or "my wife" and instead prefers "partner". It's nice and neutral, doesn't have a lot of the baggage associated with "wife" and is usable in almost any company without anyone batting an eyelash! I had to catch myself the first few times but I use it whenever I can now, although I admit to using "wife" when it is clear that a female notion is required..

[Eryn]

I prefer "my wife" to "the wife"....

I prefer this usage as well, but someone who wanted to take offense wouldn't like me using the possessive.

We talk about "the President" and "the King" and I don't think that the use of "the" is considered disrespectful in either case.

"She Who Will Be Obeyed" is just a bit cumbersome. :)

[Leslie Langford]

Yes, use of the phrase "the wife" to refer to one's spouse does stick in my craw as well, as it sounds oh, so "Archie Bunker-ish" to me.

Yes, I realize that this terminology might be a generational and cultural idiom in some circles, and perhaps no harm is intended by its use in many cases, but I still find it somewhat offensive and borderline misogynistic. Surely, if we have become culturally sensitive enough in recent years to consign to the dustbin of history questionable appellations for various racial and ethnic communities that are no longer deemed appropriate, we can do the same for this anachronistic designation.

I think that as CD/TG individuals, it behooves us in particular to treat our wives and significant others with the utmost respect, given what we expect them to put up with.

That said, it could be worse. I remember a co-worker of mine years ago who routinely referred to his wife as "the warden" - and only partly in jest. ;)

[MsVal]

Even though we have been married for almost 30 years, I refer to her as "my bride".

Best wishes
MsVal

[Bailey420]

My girlfriend gets a kick out of me calling her "the ole' lady". She's 26 and I'm 45, lol. She usually just refers to me as "my man" :)

[UNDERDRESSER]

- She who must be obeyed

I cannot read this in anything other than Rumpole's voice. Hmm, wonder if Rumpole of the Bailey is on Netflix?

I'll just repeat my earlier comment in a different format. The words are nowhere near as important as the intent.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think subconsciously people often choose to use words and phrases because they just feel good in the mouth. 'The wife' flows in a way that 'the husband' does not. Same reason we like saying SO instead of significant other- it's easy and convenient.

The only people in the universe to use the phrase son-of-a-bitch are the north Americans. For the rest of us it seems incredibly cumbersome, just a nuisance in the mouth. I'd be very interested in a discussion on why that phrase has such lasting appeal over there.

[Jonithan]

When confronted with a decision that affects the both of us, I'll use the "let me ask the CEO and I'll get back to you". When confronted with a major purchase, I'll use the "let me ask the CFO". When it involves the whole family, I'll use the "Board of Directors".

I'm offensive, I get that. I give but yet I can receive as well.

Joni

[TinaZ]

Interesting aside, my father in law once gave me some stellar advice related to this. When introducing my MIL to people, he will always use her name. If he adds "my wife," it's always after her name (if it's added at all).

As in, "I'd like you to meet Donna, my wife," not "I'd like you to meet my wife, Donna."

Sometimes it's the little things, you know?

As for the issue at hand, I also know couples who nag and needle each other endlessly with less-than-flattering terms, but have great relationships. Just be on the same page about it, is the best advice I have.

[Stephanie47]

I know in the past I used the term "the wife." I don't recall if I have done it in my posts, but, I may have. One woman I worked with used to chide me about it on occasion. One can argue using the term "my wife" infers possessiveness. She is "MY WIFE." Frankly I know too many men who do think the woman they are married to or even cohabitating with is their chattel. They rule the roost. The woman is subservient to their whims and desires. Frankly, I see that demonstrated way too often on this forum. Rather than getting one's panties in a bind I would recommend one look at the context of their message, and, in real life how they treat their wife or girl friend.

Some of us have always worked in arenas of group dynamics. In every job I've ever had there has been group dynamics. There may have been a designated leader, but, all "the" participants were equal and usually there was a group consensus. I'm sure that mind set spills over to our personal lives.

I will agree the most "disrespectful" term used on this site is 'SIGNIFICANT OTHER." I cannot count the times I've had to go research the poster's introduction or prior postings to figure out what his relationship is with: married to a woman, married to a man, a female friend, a male friend..... Heck, if you're married say "my wife" or "the wife." Frankly, to me, using the term "significant other" really confers the person is "not significant" at all.

Time to go snuggle up to the wife!

[lynda]

hi i used to always refer to my wife by her name,and i had alittle nick name i used between us and close friends, of coarse i was six months younger then her so she always called me her boy toy, hugs lynda

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Dianne,
I know I have never used "the wife" in any of my posts.
That is most likely due to the fact that I always refer to her as
my SO. That being said I don't think I have ever used "the SO" either!
If I have, I'm sorry sweetheart.
I think you can sense how I feel about referring to our spouses as "THE".
Regardless, Katie knows best! There has been worse said, in each direction.
Thanks for bringing this to our attention Dianne.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Jackie7]

@underdresser, the words do matter because the only way a listener can know your intention is by the words you choose and the tone of voice you adopt. My exwife had (still has I suppose) the habit of delivering insults veiled by the claim that she was only joking and her intentions were loving, but the words always stung and her "intentions" did not soften the blow.

So I would introduce my spouse not as "the wife," not as "my wife Jane" but as "my darling wife Jane," or for max points, "this is Jane, the love of my life."

And if she ever was to refer to me as "the idiot" , which she never has, I'd prefer it to be "my idiot" or "my darling idiot," thank you very much.

[LilSissyStevie]

I'm always suspicious of people who are offended on behalf of others. It's like they are trying to grab some vicarious victimization or desperately grasping for something to make themselves look morally superior to others. Whatever goes on between me and The Wife is our business. I told her about this thread and her one word response was "pathetic!" We purposely call each other the most foul names. If she's ever too nice and polite, I know I'm in trouble. Her sister and BIL always went around calling each other "Honey," "Sweetie," "Dearest" and crap like that. They were ultra polite to each other. They put on a good show. It always seemed affected to me and made me want to puke. Now they are getting a divorce and our marriage is stronger than ever.
:tongueout

[Debra Russell]

To me "the wife" refers to a higher authority - as in "let me ask the wife" lets face it we all answer to the calling.................................Debra

[suchacutie]

Underdresser: Yes, Rumpole can be found on Netflix!

Using "the wife" is a cultural phrase common in some parts of the world, and in different generations. Now that we are all connected at the hip (or ear) it is likely that local usage of any common language will begin to die out!

We need to be a bit careful about assessing language usage, doing a bit of homework to understand the context before being negative, IMHO

[reb.femme]

Huh. I've always thought of "the wife" as slightly uncouth or low-class. I've never seen a GG refer to "the husband" on this forum, so maybe it is a guy culture thing.

Nothing quite like placing one's self on an intellectual pedestal.

I routinely use 'the wife' and my wife will use 'hubby' if she is in a good mood, when referring to me. I'm in her phone under said nomenclature. I'm a working class, aspirational Brit and proud of it, having been with my wife for 40 years, producing three sons and all are doing nicely, thank you. Moi, uncouth and low class? I think not, but if you feel your position in life is elevated by such low-life as myself, then I wish you all the best in your middle-class snobbery.

In summary, i do love a good generalisation! (UK spelling)

Rebecca (LL.B Hons)

[NicoleScott]

Our company was going to have a Christmas party, and I was asked to assist another employee in preparing the invitations. She suggested "you and your significant other are invited.......". I never liked the term, although I recognize it as a catch-all. I suggested "spouse or date". I would not refer to my wife as my SO. In fact, I find it confusing when forum members refer to their spouse as their SO.
But getting offended? I think some people wake up every day and try to think of something new to get offended about.

[Ressie]

I prefer saying "my ex". I don't care if she finds it offensive either!

[Dianne S]

@reb.femme...

Britain and Canada... two countries separated by a common language. I used the term low-class in the second sense (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=low+class) as defined by Urban Dictionary. You assumed I meant the first sense.

[SandraInHose]

Too many people today just feel 'offended' by everything they do not agree with. Relax.

Heck, I not only refer to her as 'the wife' on this and any other forum, but even in conversation at work. And not once have I ever used it in a derogatory way. I even jokingly refer to my kids as the boy-child and the girl-child, and I've yet to notice anybody ever take offense. Why? because they know I have absolutely no intent of dehumanizing them in any way shape or form by referring to them that way. Merely another term that identifies them.

Lighten up.

[Diane Smith]

I always assumed "the wife" was intended to denote singularity, as opposed to "one of my wives." :)

- Diane

[BillieAnneJean]

I even struggle with "my wife" and "my SO" because neither fit the position she holds in my life. In verbal conversation with acquaintances have used words calling myself "her husband" as an alternate. Mostly with women and all genders of friends in verbal communication I tend to refer to her as she sees her position: "my supervisor". This is in no way a reference to any fetish lifestyle or anything else. But I imagine a wife like mine probably sees her role as something of a manager over an at times clueless male.
I just can't be comfortable with any labels for her that sound like ownership. She is too much, too spectacular to be owned. And I am lucky to be with her.

[VAWyman]

I agree with most of the posts here. My wife, in spite of her utter disdain of my Crossdressing, is the best thing in my life and I love her passionately. We complement and complete each other and my life would have little meaning without her in it.

[Krisi]

I used to introduce people to my brother as "my brother Bart". He would then say "No, he (meaning me) is my brother."

I'm a bit surprised that there would even be a post on this subject but since there is and it hasn't been deleted, I never say "the wife", it's "my wife" (or "my wife, Marge as appropriate).

[Amy Fakley]

I think subconsciously people often choose to use words and phrases because they just feel good in the mouth. 'The wife' flows in a way that 'the husband' does not. Same reason we like saying SO instead of significant other- it's easy and convenient.

The only people in the universe to use the phrase son-of-a-bitch are the north Americans. For the rest of us it seems incredibly cumbersome, just a nuisance in the mouth. I'd be very interested in a discussion on why that phrase has such lasting appeal over there.

It's totally cumbersome unless you run it all together with a nice southern drawl as in "sum-biiyu-ch!" ... then it becomes irresistible ... like saying "salsa". :-)

[Eringirl]

I am with TinaZ. I always introduce my wife by name first, then add the relationship, as in, "This is Sue, my wife". She is, and always has been, "Sue", long before she became my wife. She is an individual first, my wife second. I tend to use "partner" when referring to other peoples' relationships as it tends to be easier, as Isha mentioned, than running through the list of possible labels :"wife, girlfriend, etc, etc.

I personally find the term "the wife" derogatory, but that is my context and what works for me. YMMV.

Erin

[Sarasometimes]

Add me to the list who find "the wife"as derogatory in most usages. "My wife" is much different since it shows a connection. If I'm talking about her to people who don't know her by name will know the relationship which is often important to a story. I can't think of hearing a story or sentence with "the wife in it that wasn't critical or negative in nature. "The wife didn't like me staying out so late with you guys Friday." Derogatory! "My wife got me a new driver for my birthday." Complementary!

[Katey888]

Soooo.... has anyone yet noticed the pattern that seems to be appearing in this thread...? :thinking:

Generally... (sorry if I've missed some locales..)

North America = Derogatory term

UK and Oz = Term of endearment

:)

While this is an English language forum it is not limited to one geographical contingent... and I bet there are plenty of books available on Amazon on the differences of colloquial English... might be a good read for many of us...

I've really been waiting for the crossdressing element to emerge here, but it hasn't.

Thread closed.

Katey
Moderator