starting the year as Julie.

[jules]

2014 has had its ups and downs for me. It's been riddled with confusion, self loathing, and depression.
I had started dressing full time at home but then stopped. I only under dressed when she was around.
Until finally I reached my breaking point. She ask me every now and then how I'm doing and I tell her I'm fine. (I lied).
Last week after I cooked us breakfast I was dressed as me again. (Julie)
After breakfast I looked at her and apologize for how I look. And told her finally that I was not doing fine and I can't do this anymore or I'm going good to snap. This is who I am.
She came over and gave me a hug and said she loved me. She tried to ask more questions but I shut back down again for a bit.
We talked again on new years day and she told me that when I dress for a little wile around her then it disappears for 4 or 5 weeks and then come back again its hard on her. She explained how just when she starts to get used to it it disappears again then she gets used to that.
And when it come back she is shocked all over again.
So the agreement now is as of the new year I dress as Julie when we are together. I will be honest it is a little bit hard because of the years of hiding. But I see a psychiatrist who deals with transgender people in March/April.
She gave me a spot in the closet for my clothes and shoes and a drawer from my under garments. That is different to say the least. She has never seen everything I own before.
It's a interesting start to a new year and I have come to the realization to my life is going to change forever.

Julie summers

[kimdl93]

Julie, it's so clear your wife loves you as you are, willingly accepts you, and loves you more than you love yourself. She has also shown you that the biggest obstacle to finding peace and happiness is your deeply ingrained self doubts. Think about it...she loves you as Julie. Start believing that you can love yourself and each day remind yourself to put aside those self destructive, invalid feelings.

[jules]

I know she loves me. She had come home from work the other day and out of the blue and told me she was thinking about me today and could not picture life without me. Kind of caught me guard a little.
It was nice to here it.
On a side note I seen a doctor tonight who specializes in transgender, cross dressing,transexual couples and the list gos on. It was a total accident on how I found him because I don't remember calling his office. The only thing I had done was put a request for a transgender friendly doctor into the calgary health board. ????? Then a couple of weeks ago and then i receive a call from his office. but I am a little jaded so I kept my gard up a little when talking to him. I even told him that. He wants me to see see him next week for a hour because he wants to talk to me about this and go from there. But he said it's up to me it's my choice.
To be honest I am so frighten he is going to tell im just depressed and that's it.
Or I'm nuts,or just a mess. I still have the appointment in march/April with the other doctor and I'm going to keep it. But I am going to see this one next week and i am going to Just be honest and tell him every thing I am feeling and thinking. And let the chips fall where they may.

Julie summers

[kimdl93]

A doctor who is capable and experienced isn't going to tell you you're just depressed. He will undoubtably ask questions and listen. And if you are depressed, he'll be a) concerned that depression may adversely affect your relationships, work and potentially your life, and b) work with you to address the underlying contributors to depression, which may well include the uneasy combination of gender Dysphoria battling deeply ingrained self loathing.

Depression does not cause one to become transgendered. If that were the case half of the country would be CDrs. But being transgendered and hating yourself can cause depression. Work with your doctor to get past that, and I suspect you and your loving wife will enjoy a much brighter future.

[jules]

I'm now on depression medication and he has sent a referral In for a psychiatrist. Because my depression is so bad.
I knew this would happen.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Julie.

Depression is a common experience for those who are transgendered but depression will not create a gender identity.

When you said "This is who I am" That's identity. That need to be.

Many who identify as trans do not make physical changes to their body with HRT and surgery.

Ancient cultures recognized that there are more than just two genders. (Gender lives on a spectrum of expression between the masculine and the feminine)

Instead they make "social changes" to how they are living. The gender binary brutalizes many people because it coerces people into a very limited range of expression and it is these limits that harm them.

Being transsexual is about the body/brain first and foremost. The gender dysphoria is always there and not dependent on others. It is not a social thing but living among others intensifies the suffering. It is a sense of wrongness and it is not entirely or exclusively about the genitals.

Besides the physical changes to the body that HRT brings it also affects the brain. For me it was not emotional in that it made me more emotional or intuitive or gave me some kind of devine feminine powers (sorry, needed sarcasm) but more than anything it was the reduction in testosterone that saved my sanity. The testosterone was killing me psychologically by the chemical affect it had on my body and brain.

In my opinion transsexuals are a "rare" occurance that happens on the transgender spectrum from their "extreme position on it" that results in complete misalignment with their body AND brain (as to the hormones flowing through it ).

If you need androgens (testosterone) you will miss there absence and you may want to consider low testosterone as possibly being the source or at least an influence for your depression.

It probably would be good for most people to break out of the rigid confines of the gender binary as to its expression and why in some ways crossdressers are my heroes even though the fetish aspect makes me a little uneasy but there is alot about sex that makes me uneasy so thats probably my problem.

Try to not have a fatalistic "the world is ending" approach to this but instead approach it as an opportunity for self exploration and maybe even enlightenment.

There is a fear sometimes that if you open Pandoras box (gender issues) you will end up on a operating table with your feet in stirrups. This is simply not true.

Both men and women suffer the slings and arrows of unhealthy gender roles and expectations. For men, one of them is the very limited range of emotions that they can display so "feel" because if an emotion is improper you learn early in childhood to "turn it off" or "turn it into something else"

Try to get in touch with this lost child and the emotions that go with it. You may find having the full range of emotional expression without experiencing any shame will go a long way toward good mental health.

There is a wide chasm between a feminine man and a transsexual woman. In a society that seems to hate feminine men I worry that they will co-opt identifying with women to avoid the shame of being a feminine man.

It is vital for a feminine man to never mistake himself for a transsexual woman or he could easily destroy his life. Before anyone considers transitioning they should (in my opinion) make sure nothing "psychological" is limiting them from "being men" as to "full self acceptance"

In my opinion the gender roles (especially between men and women) make people mentally ill. It is the compulsion to be "gender normal" that makes people "gender sick"

Those who are transgendered are particularly susceptible to this "sickness" because they are living contrary to who they are. (feminine men who identify with women & masculine women who identify with men). Identifying "with" is very different than "Being"

I did not identify "with" girls/woman as a child but girls and woman were like "me" This is a state of "being the same" and why I was born into it.I have never experienced women as "the other" to me.

They have never been strange, different or foreign and always treating them as if we were the same and not different caused alot of confusion for everyone before I understood my circumstances.

In my opinion "transsexuals are transgendered" but the "transgendered are not necessarily transsexual". It goes to the severity of the symptoms/consequences because of where you fall on the spectrum.

You do not have to fear being transgendered as to it having a devastating effect on your life as to it meaning "automatic transitioning".

The only people that go under the knife are transsexuals and the insane and hopefully someone stops the insane before it gets that far (but not always)

There is a long path before you get to surgery and if you value truth you will know your truth before you get there.