The other side of passing

[Sarah Doepner]

When a crossdresser leaves the house the idea of passing or being perceived as a woman is very often a big part of the experience. While some do a very convincing job, the vast majority of us wouldn't fully pass in reasonable close interactions. The farther away we are, the poorer the lighting and the more distractions there are make it easier to blend into the background. But regardless of what we do, we stand the risk of being seen for who we are and that leads me to "the other side of passing".

That person who recognizes one of us as a crossdresser has the opportunity to pass as a non-judgmental or even supportive person. They have the opportunity to pass as someone who can treat others with respect. Or they can fail and harass us. I'm not sure how to address it, but we aren't the only ones who have to pass. It would be interesting to see if that concept would ever be worked into an educational campaign when it comes to the Trans* community. Probably not. It's too much like teaching manners and the folks who need it the most seem to be highly resistant to any kind of training that involves respecting others. Am I off base here or being too negative?

[bridget thronton]

I think manners is a good analogy. It seems many people have forgotten how nice it is to be kind to strangers.

[Alice Torn]

Right on Bridget! Manners have about gone the way of the Edsel car. There seems to me, like quite a few who have manners, and respect for strangers, and those like us, different/ And, there also seems like quite a few with little respect for strangers, and those odd, and who have few if any manners. A mixed bag as always. A lot of people rebel against manners.

[Tracii G]

I find that most people around here anyway are very tolerant of CD's if they pass/don't pass.

[CONSUELO]

There are many people whom we meet in public who may be projecting something that is offensive to us or to many of those around us. One example is those who wear T-shirts with offensive or crude messages written on their chests or backs.

I believe that, as long as these people are not harassing you or those around them, we should just ignore them. Many people, for a variety of reasons, don't feel comfortable around cross dressers and as long as they do not harass or try to cause harm or embarrassment, the polite thing to do is just ignore them. Unfortunately the internet and services such as Twitter have given some of these people a very large pulpit from which to proclaim their rudeness or intolerance. The only way that I can see to deal with this is to ignore it. To acknowledge it would give such people the satisfaction that they have caused a reaction. Silence may eventually make their offensive activity less attractive.

The other side of this is that we should always try to set an example of good manners and behaviour.

[Lynn Marie]

Most of my interactions with the public are with business people and those I meet on the way to those places of business. The business people invariably are professional and completely accepting of me and my CD girlfriends and that sets the stage for their other customers also. In fact, at many of the places we frequent we are welcomed with open arms complete with hugs and a little good natured flirting. Had the short, very attractive, restaurant manager climb up on a chair to give me a big hug as we were leaving, and this was the first time we had met her!

There are classy, non-judgmental people everywhere. Once again, it's important to pick your venues. Even in drab, I pick my venues. We all do. There's just some parts of town that it's best to avoid.

[Kate Simmons]

It's kinda doubtful most people will do this. Too much extra work for them involved. :)

[Rachelakld]

Here, at school during sex ed, they learn about all different types of sexuality, straight, gay, trans etc.
Respect for other sexualities and "no" means "no" are big parts of the sex ed program.
My kids have friends at school who are openly gay, and attend some classes with transgender kids.

For us older folks, if we have nice, polite encounters with professionals (SA etc), the rest of the onlookers will start seeing us as regular folk and start treating us as such.
My experances with the general public has always been a nice, and usually fun interaction, like when I was in line with other families waiting to have my Santa photo this year, or visiting the Auckland Sky tower on their 1/2 price family day.

[kimdl93]

It seems most people are passing in my experience. It's so rare than anyone reacts at all, and those with negative attitudes have thus far kept them to themselves.

[Claire Cook]

I've quoted this passage from Lacey Leigh's book ("The Emnancipated Crossdresser") before but I think it bears repeating here (if the moderators agree!:heehee:). She has a chapter called the "Passing Trap" ("You'll never be mistaken for a genetic woman 100% of the time, so get over it.")

The relevant quote: "When others recognize you as a man in a dress and they still treat you with respect and courtesy, it means one thing: they pass!" (Her emphasis.)

So, Sarah, right on!

Hugs,

Claire

[docrobbysherry]

Here's MY rule of thumb on "passing", Sarah. As u know, neither I nor Sherry can pass close up unless it's around Halloween!

You'll KNOW when u've passed. Because folks treat women differently. Much differently than they do men in dresses! (That can be both positive and negative!)

If you're NOT sure whether or not u passed? U didn't. When u pass up close, you'll know.

[Carolana]

The main difference I see in the two types of passing you are speaking of, is that you/we are the ones who are trying to pass. The general public has no such similar agenda. If someone is suddenly faced with discovering a cd, the last thing on their mind is likely how they will be judged for their reaction. The general tendancy is that if they understand you are not hurting anyone, they will not interfere or confront. The advice given to choose your venues seems to be the wisest advice. There are hoodlums in the world. Best stay away from their territory.