My transition is beginning

[Amanda22]

Hi everyone! I've been away for a long time and upon returning I see a lot of new people. For those who know me, I apologize for the silence. I used to hang out on the male-to-female crossdresser side of the forum but I realized a couple of years ago that my identity is truly female and while wearing clothes of the female gender has helped, it isn't the full answer in my case.

I dress as a female about 75% of the time, which is fine with my wife. She has expressed recently that full time would be too much for her. So I've held back. I've been on various antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications to control my depression but even those have lost their effectiveness. I'm seeing my doctor Thursday to see if there's something else I can try for depression/anxiety.

In the past two weeks, I've had very honest conversations with my wife about my gender identity and the torment I experience which my therapist agrees is leading to my depression/anxiety. My wife has known for several years that I consider myself female but it was more abstract until the last couple of months. I've hit a critical point, psychologically, at which I cannot continue to live as I do now. I'm desperate -- each day feels like another battle just to fulfill my job and social responsibilities. I have self-harmed for a long time, and considered death as a means of relief. I have discussed all of this with my wife and therapist.

My wife told me two days ago that she has thought about me, her, and us several times when she is alone and not pressured by me for feedback. She says that in the abstract, being married to a transgender person wasn't the life she envisioned for herself. On the other hand, we're very much in love and are true best friends, and she can't imagine a life not being married to me. So she is committed to allow me the freedom to pursue HRT in both our hopes that my torment lessens. She is fully aware that besides possible psychological improvements, there will be physical changes. I've been 100% open with her regarding medical and transition information. She calmly said, "maybe HRT will be enough and surgery won't be necessary, but we'll see."

I have contacted the Program for LGBTI Health at Vanderbilt University (https://medschool.vanderbilt.edu/lgbti/) for assistance in navigating the first stage of transition: HRT. They have been extremely responsive, caring, and helpful. My wife is very impressed by Vanderbilt and actually joyful that I'm moving forward. She can already see a positive difference by the mere fact I now have hope.

So I have two major emotions right now:

Excitement and hope that I will live my life authentically.
Fear that I will be a disappointment to my wife. (note that we have no children and everyone in our family knows all about me except her extremely elderly parents who live states away)


Thanks for reading. I'll post frequently as things happen so it will hopefully be of benefit to others in my position.

Love you all!

[Debra Russell]

You are truly on your way to self realization. I know it must be tough on your wife and good luck and prayers be with you both:hugs:.................................Debra

[Annaliese]

Thank for the up date Amandy, hope everything works out for you

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Just from your posts you are starting from an excellent position.

The idea that your wife and others know about this issue and you are still supported is very encouraging and I bet this is all going to create a new open world for you.

[Bria]

Amanda, I will remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Nigella]

As long as you both travel this road together, there is hope that you will reach the end of the journey together albeit stronger. :hugs:

[PaulaQ]

Amanda, congratulations on beginning your transition. I hope you find, as I did, that HRT brings you a lot of mental peace.

It's a funny thing, surgery. Everyone focuses so much on this. By the time you get to that point, if that's your choice, you will likely be so very different that she'll either be resolved to stay in any case, or long gone. As you transition, you will cast away parts of you that kept you safe and hidden, but are now choking the life out of you. By the time you get rid of that stuff, you won't even remotely be the person she married, probably.

It really is strange, how much emphasis people put on genitals. I mean, I do - for myself - because mine bother me a lot. I live with having them 24/7. But for everyone else? Even for a lover, their time dealing with them is probably the shortest part of the time we are together. It's also not, at all, what makes a person male or female. Not even close.

I do wish you both well. I hope she's able to transition alongside you - because that's what living with you during your transition will require. Things will change, quite a lot probably. That she's willing to even try is a good sign though.

[Eringirl]

Hi Amanda ! Congratulations. You have been through a lot, but sounds like you have a found a path through. And, to have your wife along beside you must be very comforting for you. I wish you and your wife all the best and hope your can draw strength from each other along the way.

Erin

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Amanda, thank you for the update. You obviously have a very loving wife and are doing exactly the right thing by involving her in what is happening to you.

[Jorja]

Congratulations on beginning your transition, Amanda. Be sure to tighten your seatbelt and keep your hands and legs in side the car at all times. ;)

[kimdl93]

Well, Amanda, it has been a while and I wondered how things were going. As it turns out, not nearly as well as I'd hoped. I'm so sorry to hear that you were dealing with depression. I am not surprised that the meds had only a temporary effect...that's been borne out by evidence over the years. And I'm glad that you've gotten to the root of the problem without inflicting further suffering on yourself or your wife. I'm also very encouraged by her response. It seems love can indeed conquer all. Best wishes to you both!

[KellyJameson]

Welcome back !

I'm always in awe of those who transition while married. The idea of sharing every step of the transition with a partner boggles my mind.

I could not have done it because it would have added an intensity to something that was so intense I barely was coping as it was but I wonder if maybe a supportive partner actually lessens the intensity of transitioning.

I imagine being married could be one of those things that is really good or really bad or maybe an extreme measure of both.

Certainly it would be less lonely and at times frightening with a partner that loves and supports you.

I went through a period of self harming behavior. That was a low point in my life. I'm not sure we are designed to live without hope.

I'm glad that you and your wife are seeking a resolution that keeps you safe and healthy.

Sometimes to find life we need to ask others to make sacrifices for our life at their expense.

If all goes well you will have much more to give back to her later.

[PretzelGirl]

Welcome back Mandy! It sounds like you are turning the corner and on a good path. I am happy that your wife will be with you as married partners should be best friends first and you look like you have that in your relationship. The best of luck going forward and I look forward to your updates.

[Karen62]

Mandy, you are a returning member and I am a newbie here, but I am excited for your new-found hope. I wish you the best, and I look forward to keeping up with your news (if you care to share). Be well and be happy! You're moving forward! How amazing is that?

Karen

[Michelle789]

Amanda,

Congratulations on your transition!!! This is an exciting time in your life, and will be full of ups and downs. It is your time, time to be free, time to be yourself. It's huge, and let nothing nor no one stop you.

You'll be going through a lot of firsts. For me, being able to live authentically and starting HRT were both two major milestones, and both brought me peace of mind and being able to be comfortable in my own skin. Yes, both were absolutely necessary for me to be happy



It's a funny thing, surgery. Everyone focuses so much on this.




It really is strange, how much emphasis people put on genitals. I mean, I do - for myself - because mine bother me a lot. I live with having them 24/7. But for everyone else? Even for a lover, their time dealing with them is probably the shortest part of the time we are together. It's also not, at all, what makes a person male or female. Not even close.


Yeah, even to the point of where people often think of this as a "sex change" or "sex change operation." Heck, I've even heard people in the trans community refer to SRS or GCS as the "sex change operation." I used to think that I would have to get SRS in order to truly start living my life. After being in transition for most of 2014, I have found that I can still live life whether or not I get SRS. Yeah, I'd rather have a vagina, and it might make my sex life a lot easier, and make me feel more whole as a woman, but I am able to live life just by being able to publicly present as a woman, dress as a woman, go by a female name, go to work as a woman, go to AA as a woman, go to church as a woman, socialize as a woman, shop as a woman, go to the mechanic as a woman, go to the doctor as a woman, and the list can be expanded ad infinitum.

I feel free and am able to and willing to start actually living life, to go out places and socialize, to get involved with life, and to have a meaningful relationship that I was never able to have before. Social transition and HRT are to me far more important than SRS. Live and be free!!!

[Barbara Ella]

Congratulations on your realization and beginning of your transition. Your wife is a wonderful person. My wife has many of the same fears yours has. We both realize neither of us is going anywhere without the other. It has taken her time, but is now so supportive of my being on HRT, and undergoing large volume, full facial removal, electrolysis. I am free to dress at home, our daughters and husbands know. She is still not comfortable with me going out in our town, but has expressed the acceptance of moving to another town and starting from scratch 24/7. Just include her in all your thoughts as you journey forward.

Best of luck to you both.

Hugs,

Barbara

[charlenesomeone]

So happy for you and what a wonderful wife. Hope this brings you to where you want to be.
Best of luck and will follow your posts closely.
Hugs

[Inna]

TRUTH, as it unfolds and saturates our hearts, it also brings us to reality unlike we are familiar with.
In this realm of light and love dwells power of creation, our true self and the path of existence.
I have come to feel and understand this realm well, though still a child amongst the wisdom, I know certain truths which dwell constant amongst the truth of individuality.

One of them is that There is No One you live this life for but YOU your self!
So in the essence, when your truth unfolds as it will, all you are able to do is love unconditionally, even when it means to "let go", for unconditional love is such, to love without a bound of ego, without condition, without control, without regret.
The other truth is that upon the path of truth only my instant is true, when and where I exist. This present, is the only facet I am within, no future nor past has purpose!
So in the essence, plans are our cognitive "feel good medicine" but in the true realm, they are nothing but delusion and aspect of ego.
Allowing the path to unfold freely and utterly brings us to the wisdom of creation, without patina of relentless ego trying to steal yet another moment for it self.

[Amanda22]

I'm just so impressed with each person who commented. You are wonderful people. I've read your responses several times and they're so touching. I wish I had your support here in Chattanooga TN so we could socialize. I want to especially thank you all for the wisdom you have shared. I'm astounded! Thank you so much!


I met with my long time Internal Medicine doctor to fill her in one the latest decisions I and my wife have made so we can improve the quality of my life. She's known for years I'm transgendered, but I just wanted her to know that I'm moving forward with HRT. She is very supportive, updated the notes in my file, and advised me to check in soon with another update.
I called my mental health insurance company to see if a second therapist would be covered (they would be, thankfully). Although my current therapist is wonderful and I'll continue to see her, I'd like to have a few sessions with a therapist who has cross-gender advising experience. While on the phone, the representative searched their provider database for any therapists in the state of Tennessee who list "gender" in their specialty list. None do! Of course, I'm sure they're out there but they'll be harder to find.
I called Vanderbilt University's LGBTI Program to update them on my current actions.
I called the office of the endocrinologist to ask how I can be a patient. They need a doctor-to-doctor referral first. I phoned my doctor to send that to the endocrinologist.


This is a very big time in my life. Crucial, from a mental health aspect. I'll post another update when I actually have an appointment on the calendar for the first visit with the endocrinologist. The first visit will be a consultation to discuss everything and develop a plan. Besides wanting to be at peace, emotionally, I want to know when my male parts will fall off and how big my breasts will grow! I'm just kidding. Well, sort of...

[Frances]

Is it you who had Dr. Girlfriend from The Venture Bros as an avatar?

[Amanda22]

Frances, no it wasn't me. I've only ever used my real photo as an avatar.

[PretzelGirl]

Frances, I believe you are thinking of AmandaM.

[Frances]

There's Dr. Girlfriend. Sorry for the intermission. Thanks Sue.

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Amanda, I'm so glad you've taken steps to improve your life! When we met last fall I could tell you were comfortable being Amanda. Thank your wife for hanging in with you for the long haul by your side.
I too took a big step today and met with a Gender Therapist for the first time. lead the way, my sister!

[Karen62]

I too took a big step today and met with a Gender Therapist for the first time. Leed the way, my sister!

So, true, Heidi, and Amanda. Lead the way -- I am right behind you (my first appointment is on Jan. 26). 2015 will be a banner year for us all.

Karen

[Connief]

I agree with Heidi and Karen! This is going to be a fun adventure filled year! I've had 3 sessions with mine so far and it really is refreshing!

[phylis anne]

Hello Amanda 22 ,
Congratulations on your situation you are very lucky to have an s/o who is wiht you .Good luck on your journey
hugs phylis anne

[Amanda22]

Thanks for your support, my friends. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that while my wife strongly supports me transitioning, she doesn't want to be married to a woman. I don't understand how she can't see I'm just going to be the same person she's enjoyed, only happier. But the key is that I'll have breasts and no male genitals. I recognize that's a really big deal. In a similar fashion, she doesn't totally understand my need to transition. So, the only choice is to end the marriage. We are transitioning our relationship from stressed partners to carefree friends. The great news is that we're going to remain best friends and we'll still be doing things together. That means lots of girlfriend dates, shopping, and even traveling! Through the heartbreak, we have remained calm and caring for each other, but decided to remove the stress and strain from our lives by transitioning to being BFFs. It's the right decision.

Also, I have my initial consultation with an endocrinologist at Vanderbilt University on February 25th. Yay! I really want breast implants and things reworked down below. The bulge in my crotch offends me so much. I would love to wear a swimsuit and look natural.

Please keep me in your thoughts...

Love to you for that...

[Jorja]

Amanda, may I suggest you allow the HRT to work for a couple of years before having implants placed. You never know, you might be one of those that gets really good results from the hormones. At least give them a chance.

[Kris Avery]

May your journey be smooth and also not be a solo voyage.

[Karen62]

Amanda, my heart aches for you. You are finally doing something that fulfills your soul in so many unspeakable ways, but to do so, you also have to lose your loving, supportive partner. I am so sorry this has come to be. Is it a total surprise? Were you talking with her about what your transition meant for your relationship?


I don't understand how she can't see I'm just going to be the same person she's enjoyed, only happier.

What's so obvious to you may not be so obvious to her. The challenge for her, if I may stand in her shoes, is that you, post-transition, are actually not the same person -- not her image of you in her mind -- and that's what counts most to her. In her mind, she likely sees you as a classic male, along with your personality, your wit, your intellect, and having a male's body (whether or not you both still had an active romantic life). She also, I assume, sees herself as a heterosexual woman, and you are changing her paradigm.


But the key is that I'll have breasts and no male genitals.

Yeah, that is the key, alright. It is likely her own self-image, her own long-standing self-identification, that she can't reconcile with the new reality, and this must surely be playing a part in her painful decision to separate.

Since she has been supportive of you up to now, have you considered asking her if you could both go to counseling together? Maybe, with the guidance of a qualified therapist, she might be able to see past the part of her limiting self-identification that she is, above all, a heterosexual woman, whose own sexual identity is challenged (even threatened!) by her beloved partner's gender transition.

I don't know. Perhaps I am being a starry-eyed optimist here, but it is sad to see this happen to you. If she can come to see that you are fundamentally still you, the person that she fell in love with and married, but with transition you will be a happier you, a more fulfilled and satisfied you, and that your own change does not change at all who she is. If she can allow herself to take that leap of logic, then maybe this loving, supporting relationship/partnership could be preserved in a different, yet even better way.

Amanda, I hope the best for you and your wife. This news breaks my heart.

Karen

[Robin414]

I 'feel you'; I've been treated for testicular cancer and I truly think I'm becoming a woman. .
I love it personally and my wife is ok but it's still tough!!!

[arbon]

I don't understand how she can't see I'm just going to be the same person she's enjoyed, only happier.

If it were only that simple!

I think there are some people who are so gifted to see beyond all the physical, mental, emotional, and all the other changes and still find the same person they always knew. But I think it is rare. I know for my wife she feels that her husband died. He's gone. And now she has this erratic self absorbed overly emotional woman that she has absolutely no attraction to as a spouse, partner, co-parent. I'm not the person she thought she was married to for all those years. We are good friends still and support each other but it cannot be what it once was between us. Transitioning is a big deal, you change in a lot of ways. Its a lot to hope our loved ones will be able still see us as the same person because your probably not going to be very much at all like him and when all is done.

[Inna]

But!

I can only speak for my self, yet I find no resemblance of her to that false built facade of a former expression of masculine performance and the genetic body which was as regretful as foreign.
True, I still remember all the facets of existence, but no longer within the texture of enslaved performer.
Things he did he did so because of pressure to survive, to fit, to express manliness and not to be self!

so in fact you see, "I am not the same person by a thousand lives"

Science also had proven that our cognitive, neuroconnective mapping does change due to hrt. We truly become the "new being"
and with the release of limiting factors, when we set our SELF free, we become, for the first time, "I"

I per say do not like to link transition to the process as for me it only reflects superficial level of existence.
We do not transition, we awake from the nightmare into life.

to expect others to see us as the same is to ask what was asked of us when we were just a child, to be who we appeared to be, but we were not.
The highest level of love is that of unconditional gift, to need that loved one by our side is to condition them upon our own ego for comfort. Letting go is in fact love!

Love them, release them and let them love us, or not!

[Amanda22]

Inna, I've thought so much about what you wrote and have read it many times. Your text is profound. And very helpful. I'm struggling to keep my sanity. Just sold our house tonight and have to be out in 30 days. My wife already bought a place of her own a couple of days ago. I'm going to rent an apartment for a year, then figure out where I want to live.

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Amanda, so much has happened since we met last fall! I do hope when the moving dust settles you take a breather and evaluate your position. Jorja is correct in taking some time to let things work themselves out. You'll have to put some time in a RLE period before any surgeries can happen, but I know you'll review your options and work towards your chosen goal. You seemed to have a lot of support there in Chattanooga, if the wife has no objection, I'd consider staying in familiar confines for now. Best of luck to you my friend!

[flatlander_48]

A:

Change is difficult but great change is often easier than we think. I say that because when we are really convinced that great change is necessary, it becomes a done deal. There's no second guessing and no turning back. It simply MUST happen. The changes that you are planning for and working towards MUST happen because anything less would just not be enough.

So, best of everything to both of you despite how painful it may be. It probably sounds trite to say "No Pain, No Gain.", but often that is precisely how it works out.

Better Days Ahead,

DeeAnn

[LoriFlores]

Thank you for sharing. I see so many similarities in the path that I'm attempting to travel.

[Contessa]

Hi Amanda

Honestly I am not sure if we could remember each other. I just think of every time I read another persons story I think we're pretty much the same. I am just reading my own story only I didn't write it. Congrats anyway and good luck on your journey.
Tess

[PaulaQ]

The bad news is that while my wife strongly supports me transitioning, she doesn't want to be married to a woman. I don't understand how she can't see I'm just going to be the same person she's enjoyed, only happier. But the key is that I'll have breasts and no male genitals.

The thing is, though, you most likely won't be exactly the same person. The question is how different will you be? And whether or not she can deal with it depends on what it is about your personality that she considers to be you. I mean, what's the point of going through all of this if you are just the same person on the other side? Thing is, you won't be a woman pretending to be a man. You'll just be a woman. That really is a very different thing. You'll interact with people differently, you'll see the world a little differently. You'll communicate differently. You may change your speech, your mannerisms. Even if all you change is your clothing - that is a form of communication too.

Your wife may be balking at the anatomical details of all this - and many people would. But I bet if she hung around, she'd find her way of dealing with you to be quite different, and that might actually be the more bothersome change.

Of course, it's possible that you really will be very nearly the same person post transition. I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but I find I am very different in many ways now from the person I used to be. I didn't let very much of the person I really was show through. Turns out, most of the stuff people recognized about me, with a few exceptions, wasn't real.

I'm really sorry you and your wife are splitting up. It sounds at least reasonably amicable though. I'm glad of that for you. It's often pretty ugly, so all things considered, this is the best case for a bad outcome, I think. At least I hope it works out that way for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Remember, you can't have it both ways.
You are not the same person, otherwise you wouldn't be putting yourself through this. As Paula points out, you will almost certainly find over time that what you feel is natural and true is actually going to profoundly change your relationships with others.
I'm only saying it because I hope you don't on to the thought that you don't understand "how she can't see...."..
You can help her by truly understanding that her view of the practical reality of all this is actually spot on.

Overall this sounds like a really good outcome for you. I found over the years that my own feelings for my exwife never changed, however, i realized over time that my feelings were those of a friend.
I think part of that is that my sexuality is not about women and perhaps for those of us that love women its totally different and therefore much more difficult to let go.

[Jessicajane]

you already look one very pretty woman, heaven only knows what hormones will make you look like....next James Bond girl...?...hope and trust the journey from here on in is amazing for you...good look with it all and I pray that you and your partner find strength from the fact you can quite easily commit & love a person totally regardless of the gender xx

[CostaRicaRachel]

It sounds as if you are making a lot of progress. Congratulations. I believe this is the most important step.
Accept who your are and beginning the process of becoming that person. I hope everything works out for you.
Please keep us updated on how it is going.

I, myself, am still in the confusion phase.