An unexpectedly big day for me

[Karen62]

Today was a momentous day for me, and it frankly took me by surprise. First of all, I am not sure if I have the rights to be posting here (not by forum rules, but as such a newbie who hasn’t yet earned my credibility with the regulars here). To be honest, I am not confirmed TS. However, I just had to share this little news. I do feel humbled by all of those tough, brave women who’ve come here before me, posting from their collective hearts, revealing both their strengths and their vulnerabilities, asking questions, and ever growing as people. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

Today I did something that was never done before in the last 52 years and a few odd months – well, not by me, anyway. I finally acknowledged who I am (or well, might be) to someone else. First of all, I made my first-ever appointment with a therapist who specializes in gender-related issues. And if that wasn’t enough, I went to the doctor this afternoon about some other issues, and at the end of the appointment, I paused and then told her there was something else I was on the edge of saying. She paused and let me think about it for a moment. I then revealed for the first time to another human being, face-to-face, that I think I might be transgendered.

Woohoo. Yes, I know, such a baby step to take when I am in the company of giants, those here who plowed these fields years and years ago, long before and much earlier in life than I have to finally acknowledge this question. And right now, it is just a question – actually a series of unanswered questions for which I am finally ready to seek answers.

But I didn’t cry. I didn’t faint. My doctor, who is a an amazing woman, seemed surprised (I am probably one of her more complex patients, anyway!), but she was immediately supportive. I rambled on for a moment, staring at the floor, saying this was really hard to do, and that I felt embarrassed, a little scared, and really vulnerable. She then suggested perhaps I might add “liberated?” for the admission, and I said, “yes, liberated as well!”

This is nothing more than a baby step down a long road ahead of me, but after 52 years on this road I call my life, I am finally dealing with my one big, long-ignored, but always front-of-mind question. The elephant in the room (well, in my head!) has been called out. And while I’ve only been a member of this forum for a few days now, I’ve been a reader for a long time. I think I was just ready. I’ve already exchanged messages with a few of you dear women, and all of your collective strength genuinely helped me take my own baby step today. Thank you so much, and here’s to more steps forward tomorrow and ever onward.

Karen62

[Persephone]

"Woohoo" indeed, Karen!

While we can appreciate and honor those who helped pioneer things this is still an individual journey, we proceed as fast or as slow as necessary, and so your accomplishments are just as significant as anyone else's. You did something important today, savor the moment!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[PretzelGirl]

Baby steps? Hardly. Those are two of the very first large steps. It doesn't mean you have to go any further or that you are done, but being upfront with those that care for you is a big move forward. As a matter of fact, I came out to my GP a couple of years before I ever went into therapy. It seems less common to come out to them any time before HRT, so you are taking a step I applaud that is ahead of the curve IMO. Take it as slow as you are comfortable with and explore yourself. This is the time to really understand your feelings and let the therapist be a guide (you make the calls, they ask questions to help you think through it). Good luck!

[PaulaQ]

Those are both huge steps Karen. Don't worry about "proof" or credibility, just figure out who you are and to hell with everyone else. I'd suspect that nearly every woman on this forum was a big freaking mess at some point early in her transition. I certainly was, and I think some might argue still am! ;)

Coming out to yourself - admitting who you really are, is so hard for so many of us. It's very difficult to believe a truth that the rest of the world declares to be insanity.

[flatlander_48]

Every journey, whether it is around the corner or across an ocean, begins with the First Step.

[Emma Beth]

Congratulations Karen. That was a major step. Don't ever sell yourself short.

We all walk this journey alone and yet with so many sisters that it can seem strange at times, and comforting at others. We all share some commonalities and yet every one of us travels a unique path.

As you grow, learn to celebrate each moment that feels like some kind of a milestone for you.

For now, warm hugs from me; and while you're at it, give yourself one of sorts as well. Just don't break an arm, LOL.

[I Am Paula]

Every woman in the TS section has been at the exact place you are. What am I? Can this really be happening?
I so glad you have decided to work this out. No cred needed here, just join in, we've all been there.

[Lori Kurtz]

a newbie who hasn’t yet earned my credibility with the regulars here

I hope you're learning that you don't have to earn anything here. You can feel safe in proudly being who you are. I'm not TS, but I have the greatest respect for those who are, and who deal effectively with their identity. You, dear lady, are now one of those. Thanks for your post.

[Eringirl]

Hi Karen:

That is awesome! Indeed, very big steps! As they say, "watch out for the first step, it is a loo-loo!" So your journey forward has begun. This is a long journey, and it is not a race, so choose a pace that works for you. Also, as others have said, celebrate the small successes, such as this. It is a good way to mark your journey. Sometimes, the biggest obstacles are in our own heads (at least they were for me...) So, you now have the base for a supportive network. Use the resources to the fullest to help you. I came out to my GP first, who was shocked, and stated so, but also was supportive in the end and hooked me up with a Gender therapist, who is awesome. I was sweating bullets at the time, but turned out to be no big deal.

Welcome to the best support forum there is. Keep us posted. We are all here to listen and support!!

:hugs:

Erin

[Jorja]

A journey has to start somewhere, why not at the beginning? Keep taking those steps forward until you know with certainty who you really are then make the decisions necessary to carry you to your next destination.

[Inna]

sometimes I wonder why I come here anymore when my life is so much fulfilled and congruent, yet posts like yours remind me that there is a unsurpassed joy of being a witness to a birth.
Just as a newborn baby brings all the women to joyful celebration, so does the birth of a New Woman here amongst the family.
You did make me :cry:, thank you for such sincere post and monumental step to venture into "no man's land".
But any means such reveal isn't a baby step, but a moment of seeing the light of creation in its wonder, when darkness turns to light, deceit into truth and desperation into love.

[arbon]

Hi Karen, welcome :) That was a pretty big step you took, not very easy to do.

Keep posting and letting us know how the journey goes.

[Nigella]

First of all you don't have to be TS to post in this particular forum.

Secondly, this is the best forum to help you find who you are :) Many of the ladies here started with the huge step you have taken, talking to someone, reaching out to find help. Throughout the whole process, it is you who will be discovering where you fit on the transgender spectrum.

[Thea Pauline]

As many others here have said, you have taken a couple of amazing steps! Each of our experiences and hurdles are unique yet we share a commonality that many other humans will never experience. You have done something that is fabulous and I applaud you. I will always treasure the experience of coming out to myself and I would guess that you will too. Best wishes to all of us!

[Connief]

Awesome girl! Congrats! I too at 57 finally have started to see a therapist about this. Going now for my 3rd session. Such a wonderfully feeling to be able to talk about it with someone who will not judge you!

Good luck girl!
Connie

[charlenesomeone]

Congrats and all the best on your journey.
From many stories here and elsewhere I wish you peace.
Hugs

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Karen, you have every bit as much right to post in this forum as the longest standing member of the forum.

Acknowledging who you are or even who you might be is not only a major step but also one that can open up a whole new world of fulfilment for you. I know how scary it was for me, but it was also the best thing that I have ever done.

You don't have to have all the answers - even when you talk to your therapist - and it is OK to say that you are not sure about something or even simply don't know the answer.

The fact that you are questioning whether you might be TS, TG or something else means that you have come to the right place for support.

[Leah Lynn]

Karen, tis a strange and wonderful world you are entering. However, it can seem very frightening and horrible at times, and we will help as much as possible.

The wonderful ladies here have never given me bad advice, that I know of, anyway, so feel free to ask, b!tch, kevetch, just let loose with a good rant. We understand, because we've been there, are there or will soon be there. So, welcome to the party, Karen, make yourself at home...

Hugs,

Leah

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion vulnerability is the highest form of courage. Many people will do whatever they need to do to avoid feeling vulnerable and admittting that they are.

I have my own thoughts on what the word transgender means and implies. For me it does not necessarily mean you will make physical changes to your body. When I use the word transsexual it refers to those who are making physical changes and I actually prefer to not use the word for those that have completed transition.

Trans implies a crossing over but really it is not a crossing over as much as it is a returning to that which was there before and than "left behind"

What you discover will only be what you have lost or was taken from you. You create out of what was there and is still there but only hidden from your consciousness.

You do not become a woman but only remove that which has been covered over her. This covering was adopted for survival but also out of the ignorance of not understanding in childhood that you ARE what you know yourself to be and not what everyone else tells you. You give up your truth through the actions and behavior of others because you are to small 'powerless in every sense of the word" to fight back.

It is particularly onerous for a transsexual woman to be raised as a male. She is already suffering the burdens of her body and than must be further burdened with a set of masculine values that are completely contrary to her nature, temperament and soul. This brutalizes her.

I never identified as male or with men so I could not be shamed for not being "one of them" as to that unique male experience of feeling shame for showing "weakness". This gave me emotional freedom so I never lost touch with my emotions, nor could I have even if I wanted to.

In this sense I was one of the lucky ones because those transsexual women who did try to "man up" and identify with men and adopt the values of that gender are probably the ones most likely to be extremely self destructive from cutting themselves completely off from their true natures.

I was self destructive not from self hate but hate of my circumstances so I would (out of despair) destroy anything I had built as "gender" and "out of gender" because and from that perpetual sensation of feeling trapped "by gender" but I had my emotions to still protect me in that I did not lose all sense of self so I did not go as deep into self destructive acts and behavior as those transsexual women who try to "man up" and lose touch with their emotions and feelings.

I would briefly "man up" and than run like crazy in the opposite direction destroying whatever I had made out of this false self from what could only be describe as panic out of that sense of losing myself (my female identity) and this was a pattern all through my teens and most of my twenties. That was a very unstable time in my life. Being born misaligned really tests your sanity.

This is a generalization but in general it is not emotionally healthy to be a man for most men because of what they twist themselves into to be able to call themselves men. Many of their health problems, self destructive behavior and anger issues come out of this. It is a massive defense mechanism built around and out of gender.

Can you imagine what this does to a woman trying to be a man? In my opinion it is deadly to her because she will be contorting herself into something that is much more harmful to her than it is to men "even though it harms many (not all) men"

For those just taking there first steps they often seem to have to first find the courage to "stop being men" as to all these unhealthy repressive emotional behaviors related to "feeling and showing weakness" that they "identify with as being against" (boys don't cry)

In a mans eyes a large part of being a man "is not being a woman" so not doing or being anything that she is because she is "weak" and to be weak is to be a woman and not a man. (Women are inferior because they do not have the power men do, i.e weak)

Men and women have a different psychological relationship to power. They both want it but men identify with it. They are men to the degree they have it and this is instinctual to men and adopted by the culture. This traps men and often results in dehumanizing them.

To be a man than almost becomes not being human but something machine like (except for anger which is OK because anger is the expression of power "depending on how it is expressed") and to be anything less is to feel threatened that others may not respect you or love you because you have failed as a man so no longer are a man so not deserving of being treated as such.

Men buy love and respect by "Being men" as to not being "weak" (like a woman). It is unfortunate that women are invested in keeping men like this while suffering the consequences of them being like this.

Any transsexual woman who has adopted this mindset will be faced with what I would think would be a very painful untwisting of her heart and mind to regain her emotional health, while also trying to recover from the wounds and trauma of being born mis-aligned and forced to live this way until she transitions

Go into your emotions "where vulnerability lives" without shame. Regardless of whether you are trans or not or if you find that you are transsexual, it will at the very least make you a better man in my opinion and if you are a woman it is vital to your sanity and life.

Those who transition before fully uncovering the woman underneath (going back to the beginning) have a much more difficult time of it in my opinion.

Welcome to the forum Karen. All are equal here.

[Barbara Ella]

Welcome aboard Karen. As you can see, you do not EARN to be here, you LEARN by by being here. I have learned and grown so much in my time here. I started late, at 65, and in the last three years have had ups and downs. Your steps represent the first of many that you will take when you feel it is right, just like talking with your Dr. I came out to my Dr this past August that i was transgender and on hormones from another Dr., and spent the next 20 minutes talking with him about what that meant. He had no idea and was very interested in learning with no judgement. On my next visit, he asked me how I was doing, and how the hormones I was on were working. Very professional.

You have joined the road less traveled, but by no means unpopulated. there is such a wide variety of ladies here with a wealth of information to help you grow. Just take it slow and remain happy with yourself.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Karen62]

I am overwhelmed, and utterly speechless (luckily I can still type!). Wow. Thank you. So yesterday was quite a big day, but this welcoming and supportive (oh, just call it what it is: loving!) response to my little message was truly the icing on the (my rebirth day) cake. I feel like a I have found a very special, safe, secure place here (in fact, that's what I dreamt it would be when I joined!), and I am so grateful. I am humbled by each and every one of you amazing women, and I really look forward to getting to know you and sharing with you my journey so I can learn from you, as well as support you in your ongoing journeys (as truly, our journeys never really end until we do). And I will carry that message of love and support forward to help those who follow me as well, whatever happens. That's my promise to you all.

I have a million things to say, a million questions to ask, but at the moment, I just want to jump in the air! I did want to add a tiny bit more about the doctor's visit yesterday afternoon. After I told her my news, after she added the word "Liberated" to the feelings I should have, she then stood up and gave me a big hug (she's never done that before -- I do love my doctor). After I posted my big message here last night, I sent her an email (a doctor with an email address -- amazing!). I wrote in the subject line simply "Liberated!" and the body text, I just wrote "Thank you". I signed and sent it. And she wrote back soon after a sweet, supporting note from her phone last night. I am really lucky to have such a support network in place, and just when I suspect I'll be needing it (said nervously)!

I really want to quote and respond to all of you for your beautiful comments, but I'll self-edit for tonight and just comment on a couple:


...posts like yours remind me that there is a unsurpassed joy of being a witness to a birth.
Just as a newborn baby brings all the women to joyful celebration, so does the birth of a New Woman here amongst the family.

This sweet note touched me, because after I walked out of my doctor's office yesterday, I thought to myself to recall this date, because on this date, Karen, in whomever she eventually becomes, was truly born. I felt a weird sense of rebirth (if that makes any sense at all) last night. Inna, thank you for reiterating that feeling for me. January 6, 2015. I will never forget that date. Who's up for cake? :bday:


Awesome girl! Congrats! I too at 57 finally have started to see a therapist about this. Going now for my 3rd session. Such a wonderfully feeling to be able to talk about it with someone who will not judge you!

The ability to finally talk at all about the biggest, deepest, most profound secret of my entire life was a big theme in my thoughts today, and Connie, you anticipated me on that. Very wise. I feel a much more intense sense of relief today than I did yesterday (I think shell shock was the order of the day after it was all done). I look forward to talking, learning, and stepping forward. I am more than a bit scared by this, of course, but I am also exhilarated by it. Damn this has been a long time coming.

What else can I say, my dear friends, except Liberation! And Thank you. Now to get ready for my first official counseling appointment on January 26... <nervous sigh>

Karen

[GirlieAmanda]

"You've taken your first step into a larger world." "The journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step." Two of my favorite sayings that have helped me on this journey.

[Connief]

Karen;
Looking forward to sharing our parts of this journey together. I too was very scared telling her because of all the rejection I have received over the years from those that are "open minded". A good friend who really is open minded suggested and got me started on this new journey, believe it or not, on my birthday last month!

Hugs, Karen
Connie

[CDChloe1972]

Congtratulations. Such a great step forward well done! I'm so pleased for you.

[Rachel Smith]

Welcome Karen to a place where no one will judge you. It is truly a safety net for those of us that decide to take the proverbial jump. The self discovery I have found by being in therapy was astounding and comforting. Be honest with yourself and your therapist when you find one and your life load will somehow seem lighter. Go only as far as you NEED to and remember we have all been where you are now. Hopefully we can help when you need it and just listen when you need to get something off your chest.

I started my journey at 56 when I found my first therapist.

Welcome
Rachel

[Christina Kay]

Very big step,,,congratulations 👍😀