I need cheering up

[TinaZ]

I need cheering up.

I’ll attempt to nutshell what’s up, but forgive me if I get verbose. With the recent holidays and the kids being off school, I had to go three-ish weeks without dressing (other than one late-night session inside my new closet playground, which you might have seen). It was a long stretch and I was feeling it.

Monday was my day, though. I try to keep “Tina Time” only to Monday afternoons, with the thought that if I don’t put limits on dressing, my priorities will come unglued. Anyway, Tina Time already was going to be cut short because (like an idiot) I made my kid’s orthodontist appointment for Monday. What was I thinking?!

I entered my home office, pulled open e-mail, and there was a honey-do list a half mile long. So not only had I already cut my time short, but now these chores squashed my schedule even more. But I decided to forge ahead and did my make up – to awful results. Gads! Drag queen much, Tina?

Once dressed I attempted a quick ukulele song, and it stunk. And I didn’t like my clothes. And my makeup looked horrendous. And I had to get the kid from school. And my wife gives me this list when she knows Monday is Tina Time. And! And! And!

I stormed off to another part of the house – clomp! Clomp! Clomp! Then on my way back to my office, I’m clomping with purpose down our long hallway, when I look up and get a glimpse of Tina walking in the mirror … and she’s BEAUTIFUL!

As in, at that split second, I wasn’t blendable, I was passable – something I’ve never, ever considered myself. So I continued down the hall to the mirror, looked into my eyes, and just … started … bawling.

It was as though I’d been holding my head under water, and suddenly I’d broken through the surface and could breathe again. I was just gushing. Like, “Oh-My-God-There-You-Are!-I-Love-You!-I-Missed-You-So-Much!”

And then the implications of all that started hitting me.

The next day I met with my shrink and relayed this entire thing. Previously, we had sorta arrived at the point that Tina allows me to express parts of my personality that I ordinarily suppress. But like I said, the implications of the breakdown might-maybe-possibly indicate something beyond that. My shrink said, "Maybe there's more to it than we've talked about."

Ya think?

I feel like I’m approaching an impasse. Emotionally it feels like I’m going to have to choose between my sides, which is death to one of them. And I’m achingly sad about that possibility.

Any words or comfort or advice would be TREMENDOUSLY appreciated!

[sarah555]

Why not cheer yourself up with some good old fashioned retail therapy, buy a new dress or treat yourself to something nice

Big Hugs
Sarah

[Kate Simmons]

Or you can take ownership of ALL of your feelings, integrate them under one authority and be in control of who you want to be when tou want to be. That's another way of looking at this and the way I personally chose to go some years ago. Works for me.:battingeyelashes::)

[Donnagirl]

Hey Tina,

Feel your pain... The love it / hate it, boy vs girl battle for dominance really is something I can identify with. Is there common ground??? Can we share this mortal frame???

I don't know I can help but I can let you know that you're not alone in these feelings... Tina is beautiful and needs freedom and oxygen... How much she gets, well no one can tell you what that value is. Only the pair of you can decide.

Donna wants everything, hates being denied and is purile in response to conflict... But.... I dislike to deny her, love her input into my life and really appreciate what she's done to our life...

Does one of us have to sacrifice ourself for the other? I hope not... Both have value, both have a right... Neither has primacy, both have occupancy. That balance is the struggle that has value.

Donna xxxxxx

[Marcelle]

Hi Tina,

I was in your exact position about a year ago. When Isha came crashing into my life, I found it hard to accept . . . heck I was guy engaged in a very manly occupation . . . wearing dresses and make-up . . . not going to happen. But it did and with the help of my beautiful wife and wonderful therapist I released Isha to the world. Now things went along fine, I practiced my make-up, started forging a wardrobe, my wife and I were communicating and then all of a sudden things went haywire. The more I engaged in being Isha, the more I liked it, ruminated upon it and craved it. I still liked my guy side but it was like Isha needed an outlet and she was being stifled at every turn. When I dressed I felt great, when I could not I felt . . . okay but not great. The best I could describe it, is that it felt like two halves of my personality were engaged in a battle for control over my mortal soul.

I discussed this with my therapist and over time we came to realize that I am probably a bit further down the TG spectrum and being Isha is part of me. So we worked on integrating her into my life. This required my wife to be a big a part as I was going to move from just the occasional dress-up at home to presenting in public. Luckily she was very supportive and helped me realize this dream and now I have been able to successfully integrate Isha as part of who I am (I now split Isha/boy time as 40/60). However that is my personal experience and I am not saying that is the same for you. I would suggest though that it is possible that the more you explore Tina, the greater the calling to give her latitude to express herself. It is possible that you may need to revisit your dressing time with your wife to see if there is scope for increased Tina time. However, please discuss all this with your therapist as mine was very helpful in this regard.

Hugs

Isha

[charlenesomeone]

Wow Tina, don't have advice. Will encourage you though by letting you know you are not alone.
I cried the other day because Char time had to end. We have obligations that we have to do, and
some sacrifice to do. If the cost is too great then time to reassess. Please vent all you want, and
hopefully like Donna says, we can find balance.
Group Hug everyone!!!!!

[Amanda M]

I'm totally with Isha and Kate on this. In tegration is the answer - at least for now. It does NOT have to be all or nothing!

[GeauxStacy]

Tina - I know how you feel. I am single and have struggled between boy time/Stacy time so I can only imagine the added pressure of being married on top of that. I even feel sad when I tell Stacy she has to go away for awhile. One thing that helped me was getting to a comfortable balance. Just take your time, love who you are, and go with what will make you happy. As a big fan on you and your videos I will leave you with this - "Life is too short to have sorrow. You may be here today and gone tomorrow. You might as well get what you want. So go on and live."

Great big Tiger hugs,

Stacy

[Jeri Ann]

Tina,
Choosing between your sides implies never cross dressing again or transitioning.
My guess is that the first choice is not an option and the second would require tremendous sacrifice and impact the lives of those you love.

You joined this forum riding the gender fence, as you stated in your introduction.
Riding the fence is the balance that others talk about. It's good advice.
I can truly sympathize with your struggle.
I have ridden the fence all my life.

Aging sucks, but there is not an option.
I have struggled with it. Now at 64 I can assure you that people "will still need you" and "will still feed you when you're sixty four" (thanks Angela YVR for that).
It made me smile.

Tina you have to find your own balance.
It will always involve what you want to gain verses what you are willing to give up.

Good luck. By the way, you truly are beautiful.

Love,
Jeri

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tina, Please don't this take over your life,:hugs: I'm 72 and I have learned to have the Best of Both Worlds.:daydreaming:

[MsVal]

Oh, Tina, you sound so very conflicted. That's simply awful, and I wish it wasn't true.

Is it the biggest problem the constraints that limit Tina Time? Are they firm constraints; are they self imposed?

Would you be more at peace, less conflicted, and happier overall with greater Tina Time? You already know what good things come with Tina Time. If you had twice that much, what bad thing could happen? Now which is greater, the good or the bad?

Whatever you do, I hope it brings significant relief.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Robert]

I hope this doesn't sound facile or stupid, but focussing on one thing at a time might be a good way to go.

Me, I reckon spending some time getting that ukulele song to sound better would be a good thing. How good can it sound when you are worried about what you are wearing, or how you look when you are playing it? The sounds, intonation, and phrasings are the important things.

Or, deal with your email. That doesn't require looking a certain way. Get the look then deal with the email, or deal with the email then get the look. Whichever works best for you. The two things are not really connected.

Or, focus on your make up. I don't do makeup, but from the little I know it takes concentration and focus.

Attempting to do them all at once, that's a lot of balls to keep in the air.

And, I've got to say, IMO, this two sides concept is problematic. There is, in reality, only you.

[CarlaWestin]

Or you can take ownership of ALL of your feelings, integrate them under one authority and be in control of who you want to be when tou want to be. That's another way of looking at this and the way I personally chose to go some years ago. Works for me.:battingeyelashes::)

Perfect advice right out of the chute! You certainly have a full plate but, so what! You have to prioritize everything in life but that just means that some things go on hold while others are addressed. I've had countless Carla times spoiled by really dumb things that had to be attended to first. And, ya' know, Tina? You gotta' feel the lows so you can appreciate the highs. No one is just happy all of the time. Someday you'll be empty-nesting and look back on your accomplishments and be proud of yourself that you handled all of it.

Babe, you certainly have a more diverse and enriched life than a lot of other people. And, to the people you love, you're a champion!

Celebrate!

[kimdl93]

Tina, I can't say I've ever felt anything approaching beautiful or passable when I see my reflection,mouth on my better days, maybe "you're presentable!" But as to the deeper implications, I cope with those conflicting needs and expectations on a daily basis. So far, I keep an uneasy peace between what could be warring factions by allowing myself some time to shed the male skin each day, if even for a couple of hours. I'm frustrated and at times uneasy at times, but during the day my to do lists keep me distracted.

Don't fear what lies beneath, but work thoughtfully with your therapist and your wife what you can to allow you to keep the things that matter.

[TerriM]

Tina, one of the other girls said it. Balance is the word that I have tried to find for a long time. Im 66, married to a good woman who wants no part of my femme side. I am very busy with my family commitments. My times to be Terri is very limited. But I just look forward to times that I can be who I really feel I am.

Terri

[Jackie7]

Tina, I'm with Isha and Kate on this one - for many of us, and maybe for you too, a balance is possible where the girl gets out enough to make y'all happy and the boy doesn't get smothered or killed in the process. But the balance point is not always easy to find and doesn't always stay in the same place. For me, everything became easier once it became possible to dress as I wished at home. took the pressure off needing to go out en femme, made it manageable.

[Jean 103]

Tina, as soon as I see your face, I think of your songs and it lifts my spirits, by the end of your post I’m in tears. I know how life obligations can gobble up all your time, leaving no time for yourself. Again I love your videos and closet too. Here comes the tears. You are beautiful both inside and out. Love Jean

[Eringirl]

Hey Tina: not much of a consolation, but I totally get it! I had a moment like that some time ago. I was getting ready to go out as my true self, Erin, when I caught myself in a mirror and said out loud without even thinking about it, "there I am, normal again" . Hearing that out loud made me stop in my tracks with much the same emotions that you experienced. Yes, it is all about balance, but that means different things to different people. Some are happy with a few times a month, some more. For me, I do not have balance, as 24/7 is pretty much what I need. But not there yet. I think it is a good idea to explore this revelation with your therapist. For me, I am at the crossroads and working on what I need to do to get to where I want to be, but that is just me. You may be able to find a balance that works for you. Don't despair, this all takes time. For now, relax, breathe, it will be okay. Just be honest with yourself and take the time to think it through. Keep us in the loop.

Sending you big :hugs:

Erin

[Alice Torn]

I can empathize, though single. I have suffered the love/hate relationship with dressing, and have religious turmoil, as the religion i made a commitment to, is full of good things, other than condemning men being effeminate, and crossdressing. It is not easy. Life sure is never that easy. I have to keep it secret, but i did tell some of the wrong people i do it. Having a family to be head of, must make it much tougher.

[Julie Denier]

I really can't add much to the above, other than to say I know how it feels to have to put the femme side away for long stretches. Be well and take care ;)

[Katey888]

Dear Tina, I do feel for you... :hugs: and sadly don't have any advice beyond reinforcing what others here who have more experience of these feelings have already said... There should be a way of finding balance without choosing sides, but perhaps you need some more counselling time to get to that understanding...

I think this little phrase is worthy of engraving on a brass plaque.. or at least a fridge magnet!:


Does one of us have to sacrifice ourself for the other? I hope not... Both have value, both have a right... Neither has primacy, both have occupancy. That balance is the struggle that has value.


Very meaningful advice that, imho... :)

Chin up girl! If nothing else: Keep Calm & Carry On! :cheer:

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Comfort is easier than advice, that's for sure. So Yay Tina for being beautiful! Yay Tina for being an amusing writer! Yay Tina for being open and honest with herself and with us! Yay Tina for being in touch with her emotions! Yay Tina for having the balls to admit she plays the ukelele!

Advice? Where is it carved in stone that you have to choose between two sides, making one side a murderer/ess and one side the victim? You don't strike me as the killer type, other than in terms of visual impact in heels and a short skirt- quit moping girl. Gird your various loins. Bellow from the rooftops: "Hands off Monday, it's mine" and mean it.

Hugs, ickle bunny wabbits, and other assorted nice things-

Nikki

[Debra Russell]

sometimes life just gets in the way, "Tina" is alive and well and both of you are struggling to survive - listen to Kate and Tina will quit pushing so hard and feel calmer - waiting for her time, and it will bring you both to an understanding of acceptance................................Debra

[Stephanie Morgan]

Hey Tina, I have to agree with a lot of others here and will only second (or is it third, forth, fifth...awwww heck with it) the great advice already presented. Especially from Kate and Isha. For several years, I was a single father of 3 young ones (2,3,and 5) who lived with me full time. With work and kids and life, there was absolutely very very limited stephanie time (read non-existent). Things do get better girl! Anyways, you don't have to pick one over the other, but it sure seems like it is that way sometimes. That dang balance point keeps moving around, sliding up the TG scale then back down again. I have not been able to secure my own balance point down yet either. Keep up the communicating with your wife and therapist as I think that is going to be a big part of finding your own balance point. Til then, keep on playing and singing and dressing and being the wonderful person you are!!

Hugs
Stephanie M.

[justmetoo]

Hi, Tina. I don't have any good advice. I guess finding one's balance is key. But I did want to say you have brought many of us a few laughs (and maybe even a tear or two) with your songs/videos and stories and pics. You deserve to be happy. Take care of you!

[TinaZ]

You all are simply amazing people and I'm so happy to have you in my life! I'll try not to gush too much, but some of your responses literally brought tears to my eyes (this time in a good way!)

I have to remind myself I'm less than a year into this adventure (outwardly dressing), and so some of these emotions I'm going through are new, or newly discovered, and some of them feel down right raw. But it's all part of the experience and this journey is all I have, so I'm trying to appreciate them in that way.

Thanks again, all of you. I asked you to cheer me, and I think what did so the most was this fantastic reminder that we have each other for support. That fact is not lost on me one bit.

[Rhonda Jean]

Glad you're feeling better, girl.

As you've heard from others, balance is the key. Easy to say, hard to do.

Having been at this for a long time I'll speak from my own experience. YMMV.

It's often difficult to distinguish between wants and needs. Sometimes we want something so bad it feels like a need, or becomes one. I've also been guilty of hoping that there was some invisible/undetectable force at play. A cause not within my control. Kinda removing responsibility from myself. I was looking for a powerful excuse or reason. One so powerful that it would be unreasonable or impossible to resist. In some ways I created a dislike for my male side to further reinforce the feminine.

Now decades into this and with plenty of time and opportunity to dress however I want, it no longer matters to me whether it's a need or just an incredibly self-indulgent desire. I love it! That's why I do it! Also, I've figured out that I won't lose my cd privileges or even reduce my enjoyment of it if I admit to actually enjoying my "other" life.

This all contributes to finding a very workable balance. It's not perfect, and it's always a series of compromises, but for me it works. I still fight always wanting more and more, but that, too, is OK. Peer pressure is part of it, and much of it comes from right here on this board. So many pretty girls, so many situations that seem so much better than our own. Jealousy.

Sometimes it seems that when it becomes a need, it quits being just FUN. Keep the fun.

[JessicaJHall]

I know what would cheer you up, my pics and story from Monday, but no one will ever see the pics!! And as for the story, I too got delayed by the kids, and it was dark before I was camera ready, and let's just say I looked like I did my makeup in the dark, (clowny frowny face :eek:) and my new boots I was sooo excited about were hideous!! And too big!! Not possible!:sad:
So commiserations Tina:hugs:! You can at least be glad you are not me. But it's almost next Monday, and I'm going to keep plugging away!! Chin up girl!!

[justmetoo]

Aw, Tina, your response brought a tear to my eye. I'm glad we could help! :)

[CynthiaD]

Tina:

Here are a couple of things to think about.

Your children will grow up quickly. More quickly than you could ever imagine. They will move out an leave you wondering where that little girl or boy went. Enjoy them while they are here.

Second, do you like yourself as Tina? Put all the judgmental stuff aside and answer honestly. If Tina makes you a better person, then why hide that part of yourself. Can you be Tina without dressing the part? Or is that just too hard?

Personally, I have a hard time when I'm not able to dress, so I really sympathize with you. I'm Cynthia all the time, but it's a lot easier when I can dress the part.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Tina,
Oh that moment in the mirror. Damn it can be quite a shock!
I don't know where your head is at right now, but def. let the
experience settle a bit before you get to carried away with any
decisions.
One other thing .... Ask yourself " What would Buggs Bunny Do?"
Cheer up!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[flatlander_48]

TZ:

I don't think we ever are 2 different people, unless some sort of serious mental illness is involved. I think all of our sensibilities, likes, dislikes, etc. are always there regardless of what veneer we're under for the moment. However, what I think does happen is that a female persona may facilitate letting some parts of us rise to the surface or rise more completely that it usually would. My parallel for this is what happens when in an hypnotic state. You can't get someone to do something that is against their true nature. So, even though we may adopt a female persona, we're not a different person. You may look at the world through different eyes, but you bring X number of decades of your male persona along with you.

[Ally 2112]

As some of the ladies have said balance is important and life can get in the way .Have fun and enjoy it when you have the chance :)

[bimini1]

It's a conundrum alright. One that can easily drive you up a wall and away from any kind of peace of mind. Take your time and don't totally freak out. How far out there are you and how much time have you been able to spend in Tina mode consecutively?
Sometimes you can really think you want something and when you get it you find it's not what you really wanted in the first place. The more you are denied that which you feel you want, the more you seem to want it. In other words, you can never get enough of what you don't really want.

Now if it's really you, all of you is really Tina then that is something else. For years I thought the femme me is the real me, point blank. Only to find that the real me is both the male and female side. And it happened pretty early into the true journey of blossoming out. I drifted totally into the femme. My wife and I split up for a couple of years due to job relocation and I lived alone before moving to where she was. The only time I wasn't dressed during that time was to get up and go to work. And now that we are together with a young child in tow I hardly get to dress at all except for a couple hours here and there.
I think back to that time when I was alone and ask which time was I happiest. Probably a toss up, but I feel I had to make a choice for my family. So we live and try to do what we feel is best for us, our situations.
I wish you peace on your journey towards who you are.

[rocketscientist]

Hi Sweetie! I had written this long pithy reply that I carefully and thoughtfully worded the other day. I fell asleep before I finished it and lost it before I could hit reply! Anyway, I'll try to sum it up in a shorter version anyway! What you are feeling is completely normal and most of us have these feelings from time to time. As has been said it is about balance. It's about integrating the best parts of both sides into a more complete person. I believe you will come to the point where you can easily morph seamlessly into either or. Go back and read some of my first posts. It was similar to what you are going thru. It seemed a fight inside for my time and energies. I finally realized (with the sage advice from the support here) that my inner girl was always and always will be there. My femme self is present in everything I do, even in drab mode. We just get better at hiding it from others as we have been conditioned to most of our lives. I don't feel the need anymore to force either side into a compromise. Just take it as it comes and always be mindful of your true priorities. What are those you may ask? Well I would say family, your own well being, friends, work, etc. Only you can determine the proper order for your situation. But know this, your friends will ALWAYS be HERE for YOU!:hugs: Big hugs, your friend Tonya:battingeyelashes: Now go make another ukulele video dammit! LOL:heehee:

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Oh dear Tina,

I suspect that your moment in the mirror is one that many of us here have experienced; I know that I certainly have. I was able to dress up yesterday for most of the day after over 6 weeks of not being able to dress at all and it was heavenly bliss while it lasted. Fortunately I had enough time that it allowed me to be comfortable going back to male mode when that was required (not that I was happy about it). Balance between the yin and yang was restored somewhat by having enough time to be Stephanie.

I don’t know the answer to our fundamental problem of how best to express our femme side without blowing the minds of friends and family and business associates but I do know that having just some amount of time to be fully femme on a regular basis allows me a peace of mind that gives some degree of balance to my life. But of course in practice I find it almost impossible to get that time on a regular basis.

Some good advice in this forum and all I can really add is to recommend that you try to protect your Monday Tina time as well as possible, you deserve it girl! Don’t deny that part of you as it will not disappear. Efforts to suppress the girl within will be met with severe opposition. And besides we need our regular dose of our gender-non-conforming ukulele star around here!

Hugs,
Steph