Affimational/motivational quote

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I read a really cool quote in an article by Jenny Boylan about the recent TG suicide...

I know that one of the biggest feelings I suffered and a big part of GID for most people is a feeling of being trapped, empty and hopeless...that's a pretty terrible place to be...

We all hug and talk and commiserate about what to do but I was surprised at how simple and powerful these words felt to me..

"".sometimes....... the best strategy may simply be having faith in the future, and finding a way to survive until you’re able to control your own destiny...."

To me, that's it in a nutshell. All circumstances are different, but this applies everyone and I look back and feel that this is exactly how I approached my life

...my mom used to say over the years "fake it till you make it"...she didn't know how true that was for her "son"!!!!...she was a mom though...maybe in a way she did!!

[Diana L]

I like it

[LeaP]

Meh.

My response is "how soon we forget." Jenny had her own suicide attempt. The platitude doesn't help in real life. We have our own version of it here: "It gets better." (Or the equally persuasive "breathe!")

I love Jenny Boylan and own and have read all of her books. One criticism of her that I think is fair, though (and this is my version of it), is that her memory of GD intensity and need has waned. While I think the look backwards in life is always different, she has a way of saying things on occasion that are somewhat invalidating. The fact that it is couched in a soothing phrase doesn't change that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

...its funny Lea...I never liked Jenny Boylan at all .. saccharine, self important and long winded in my mind.....
I found her book to be more like a sugary sweet semi fictionalized account of her "journey".....and she does not use enough ellipses points...heh
ok i admit it...i'm jealous of good writers!!!
I didn't even like the article

...but I would like to focus on the quote on its own terms...

we all talk about all these imponderable things...
We struggle to share advice to people expressing hopelessness...
We actually cannot give real meaningful specific advice because we all know how brutal if feels and we usually cannot say what can be done...

What's wrong with a well thought out soothing phrase that expresses the starkness of our struggles and but focuses the reader on a goal of getting to a point (by any means necessary...would you prefer a roadmap? an action plan?) where you can get have a positive outcome?

Admittedly the 'have faith" part of the quote is akin to saying "it gets better" but the idea that we are on a quest to survive until we can control our destiny has gravitas that "breathe" does not have
... looking at it that way generates its own faith has power in my opinion....

Maybe Jenny forgets, but I don't forget... looking at my life this way is exactly how I got through...I held the knife in my hand...that's how far I got ...it was more in a "i wonder if I just was dead..." kind of way... I dont' think I was serious...it was just that it became a consideration...but at the same time I "just knew" that "someday" I would "be a girl"... that thought scared me enough to motivate me.. and I survived... and then I got control of my life..and then I transitioned.
..(I will leave out the 10 years of alcohol fueled self destructive behavior which included a drunk accident at .288 blood alcohol that flung me through the windshield head first into a telephone pole but I miraculously survived..that included me trolling New York in a dress so drunk that I fell asleep on the pavement on 111th street and another time in a hotel elevator)... perhaps JB is only speaking to me but I don't think so...

I realize that its a 30000 foot type statement and the value in it is limited by that.
Would your point of view be that affirmation type statements have no meaning and no place here?
I think they can open up communication and give us something more tangible to talk about ..

[LeaP]

What do I call this sort of statement? Truism? Proverb? Cliché? Like all such things, this one is broadly applicable to a whole lot of people a whole lot of the time. Your mother's similar statement confirms that. I don't take the statement in the trans context as an affirmation, and so I reject the premise of your question about affirmations. Why? Because tossing a uniquely horrible and unusual experience into such a sweeping statement makes it more of an invalidation. That makes it different than your 30,000 foot level characterization. It's rather like responding "boys will be boys" to a schoolyard murder. It affirms nothing.

I prefer insight into the facts and process. Rather than simply tell someone it gets better or that you have to learn to survive (duh) you tell them what to expect under what circumstances and why. In other words, exactly what we do around here and in support groups all of the time. You tell someone to get some help and support because when they start diving into this problem, it is highly likely to get a lot worse. You tell them what the crisis looks and feels like as well as how it may manifest. You are realistic about the impact on relationships, on work concentration, on things like depression. And you tell them about the dismaying realizations they will hit along the path and how some of them represent survival risk. And you offer your hand and your ear for support. That takes care of the bad stuff and survival. Save the affirmations for the celebration of things that are actually affirming. And we do that a lot, too.

[Angela Campbell]

To me the experience was best described in the words of Pink Floyd in the song "Time"....(dark side of the moon)

"hanging on in quiet desperation"

That is what it was and no amount of "it gets better" or "there is hope" or "faith" made one bit of difference. Because I just could not see any of that at the time. Not one bit.

No faith came around until I began to make actual progress in transition. A small amount of progress gave me hope, a little more made me think maybe it can get better, a bit more progress and I began to have faith.

In my time of denial I had false hopes, fake faith, and no expectations of anything getting better. I was "hanging on in quiet desperation"

The question is .....how long can a person "hang on"?

Depends on what you are hanging onto I guess. I was hanging on to the wrong thing and it wasn't until I gave up hope and let go that I found hope.

[LeaP]

My false hopes and fake faith (when I had them at all) were that things would somehow magically conspire to work out on their own, that those close to me would understand and close ranks to support me, that I would be the same person in the sense of my self-perception. I was progressively dismayed by new depths of anxiety and depression, by a sense of psychological disorientation, by the receipt of anger and rejection, and that feeling trapped and hopeless merely changes its face - it doesn't go away. It's also holy shit hard work to bring what you learn about yourself into the real world, to take responsibility for it, and stop running away from yourself.

Getting back to Jenny's line, I have no faith or interest in the future. My focus is now and short-term, by choice and by necessity. That's how I survive. Thoughts of the future spike my anxiety sky-high. For the time being, I prefer learning to deal with current reality (not exactly a strength of mine) rather than indulge in faith. So maybe it's the faith bit in Jenny's line that hits me as glib. The closest I get to faith is more akin to the blind trust in the experiences of others with whom I feel some resonance.

I once described one of my lowest points as like crossing a rope across a chasm in the fog and where you cannot see bottom. One where, when you get past a certain point, the most dangerous thing you can do is go back. That is certain death. Your options are to bail and jump, to move forward blindly, or to stay where you are, stuck and terrified. I reached that point when I knew with certainty what my identity was, what living as a man had done to me, and what (re)committing to that life would be with that knowledge. At the same time, I had no idea what to do, no vision of the future – and no faith in it – and the prospect of bailing and jumping (suicide) was, in some respects, the most attractive of the options. So I (figuratively) stood there stuck for a bit until it occurred to me that the worst-case risk and consequences were about the same for taking a baby step forward versus stepping off.

And so I took the advice of so many who had counseled me to simply do something - to take one step. Kaitlyn, you were one of those. Forget faith. Forget the future. Forget trying to think it out. Forget envisioning the future you can't and don't know how to envision anyway. Just do something. The affirmation comes from that.

[arbon]

Boy, you really don't like this stuff do you Lea lol. :) :) :) :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

context lea...jeez...I hear what you are saying.....
I prefer insight and facts too... I am a huge fan of execution and direct unfiltered truth..
Lots of bad stuff to deal with..lots of planning, lots of roadblocks..lots of impacts on relationships and lots of us are depressed and anxious....lots of things will go wrong....
Of course this is true of a lot of things in life
... yet somehow its applicable to transsexuals too.

Please explain how a statement that is broad can not be applicable to us.

Sweeping statements that apply to many things are somehow invalidating? Sorry I will not drink that Kool-Aid... our problem is just as human as anybody elses...
boys will be boys to a school yard murder... really? really?

on the other hand, this is what an invalidating statement looks like.
"Save the affirmations for the celebration of things that are actually affirming"
sometimes to make it through a day can be very affirming....
sometimes making it through that one day is the key moment...I know it was for me
you have to start somewhere.

You know there is a word in there...sometimes.... its an important word...you ignore it ..and then go to town on what that statement would mean without that word
The entire quote revolves around the idea of sometimes....its a necessary part of it...

Sometimes is not all the time...duh
Sometimes does not imply that "its the best or only answer"...duh
Sometimes means that there are other times (lots of them) when there is much more that can and must be done....duh
Sometimes focusing a person on possibility when they are hopeless does not replace all the hard work that must be done to go from A to B....duh

The statement is not about the hopeless person...its about the person trying to help the hopeless person...
If you say those words I hope you are ready to follow up
...I know I am ready and have done so many times
..... you assume that there is no follow up at all and then go to town on the strawman...

Sometimes just getting a persons mind OFF of the downward train for just a moment so they ask "ok what should I do?" can change everything..
the things you are saying about support are true..it's messy and difficult..it takes hard work and patience, plus luck money and lots of other things.....

However, sometimes you have to start somewhere...duh

[AllieSF]

What does not work for one does not mean that it will not work for others. Note the plural. She found a statement that works for her. What is wrong for her with that?

[Eryn]

"Wherever you go, there you are." (Buddha or Confucius, both are cited.)

Not sure whether this is an affirmation or resignation, but it is quite true.

[LeaP]

CONSIDER the context of the line - a suicide! Death. Hopelessness.

So yes, like murder.

And the response is to have faith in the future? You've got to be f'in kidding me. The response to the actual incident should be to roast the parents and Christian counselors. Sure it's applicable - yet utterly irrelevant given the dire and extreme nature of the actual case in hand. Whatever hope for the future a mature adult may be able to muster, given experience with the rest of the crap life deals at times, it's probably one of the more pointless things to offer a teenager at the point of suicide.

A clarification regarding invalidation. I do not mean this in any way whatsoever related to identity. I mean that the extremity of suicidal despair is being glossed and dismissed, as if to say that faith will prevent it, sometimes or not. Bullshit.

And appeals to destiny ... really? Destiny?

[edit]

I forgot to add the supreme irony in this, which is that the parents were taking a faith based approach! Given that, Jenny's use of the term is spectacularly tone deaf.

Finally, consider the context of Leelah's suicide note itself. It contains this line:


"People say 'it gets better' but that isn't true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.".

[Angela Campbell]

Unfortunately severe GD does not listen to motivational words.....

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Actually it does respond...it did for me...i had two people in particular that motivated me with their words. They got me from point less than zero to point A.
it was all about getting control of my life..i don't know what would have happened if my friend Melissa didn't say the things she said to me..
I went from helpless to being able to help myself. And what was said is similar to what JBoylan wrote...

sorry to P*ss you all off...

You all mostly missed my point which i looked back on and thought i made very clear
..i was surprised at how much the words meant to me so i put them out there..
...i usually hate those kinds of words but what especially struck me as motivational was the idea of getting control of your life and then applying yourself to that end..its what i did.. i was sharing that...take from it what you will

..i didn't say the quote would prevent a suicide when the line is crossed, at some point its too late for any words and medical or legal intervention is all that can be done..but counseling a teenager to understand they can gain control of their lives in the future is not pointless..

nor did i address ignorant bigoted parents, horrible counselors, or the idea that general statements cannot apply to gender issues or depression..

In hindsight I shouldn't have responded at all after my OP.. i really didn't mean to get into a discussion about all the things that i didn't post about..

you have the right to your opinions on all the issues you brought up

[Jorja]

Remember friends, there is no right or wrong, only to do. Some find their strength in motivational sayings, Some find strength in statistics and studies, others just have an internal navigational beacon and find their way no matter what. Whatever works is a good thing. We must look at this from all sides not just our own view.

[Rachel Smith]

Kaitlyn quote holds no meaning for me but if it does for you then hold on to it with all your might.

When at my darkest time the only faith I had was that I was gonna die either by natural causes or by my own hand. After seeing all the hurt I had caused after I woke up from 3 days in intensive care that I have absolutely no memory of did I have faith. That faith (in a confidence and trust way) was in that my family and friends really did love me. It was then that I knew I HAD to take control of my life or I would hurt them in the same way again.

[Angela Campbell]

Remember friends, there is no right or wrong, only to do. Some find their strength in motivational sayings, Some find strength in statistics and studies, others just have an internal navigational beacon and find their way no matter what. Whatever works is a good thing. We must look at this from all sides not just our own view.

Translated...


right or wrong there is not, only do. In motivational quotes find strength do some, statistics do others, A good thing this is, what works, our own view not.

Yoda

[LeaP]

Help me Angie-Wan Kenobi!

Having thrashed, trashed, and otherwise destroyed Kaitlyn's lovely sentiment – over which we have had some reconciling PMs - I need to add this:

Although I continue to believe that Jenny's comment was inappropriate as a response to Leelah's suicide, I do believe there is a role for moving ahead by faith. In my case, that is not so much as in hope or anticipation of the future as it is having some faith in myself and, as a result, my decisions for the first time. As a result, I am less cynical about them. I don't feel forced into them any longer. For the most part, I am happier with them as a result. Unfortunately, it also means that I am making decisions knowing that I will be hurting people sometimes. Interestingly, I'm finding this is triggering more compassion in me than anger that can result.

Is faith an appropriate term for this? I think so. Clearly, I'm not referring to any sort of religious faith here. But, in the religious paradigm, it is still something unseen, evidence of something that had been long hoped for. So long, in fact, that finding it was like remembering something that had been forgotten.

[Anne2345]

um, I like pie?

I was prepared to write off Jenny Boylan's motivational quote much in the same way Lea has.

But then I did something absolutely crazy and insane - I actually read Jorja's and AllieSF's posts. They both make great points. Of course, Kaitlyn is Kaitlyn is Kaitlyn, and she *knows* I absolutely love her to death!! :<3:

Personally, though, as much respect as I have for Jenny and all of the fantastic things she has done for the community, I think her quote was entirely too simplistic and easy, as if little substantive thought for emotions and desperation IN THE MOMENT had been taken into consideration.

For me, during my dark days and within the context of suicidal thoughts, her words as reflected within her quote would have held no meaning for me whatsoever. Simply none, in fact. Even worse, perhaps, such words may have served to only alienate me further from the world and thoughts of a potentially prosperous, viable future.

I mean, having been the recipient of many a "just breathe" response to laying myself bare for the world to see during my own time of need, thoughts of hopelessness, and GD-related pain, I can honestly say that as it related to ME that it was MUCH better to say nothing at all than to offer something so seemingly shallow and without meaningful effort or substance on its face (which was *my* perception within the MOMENT, no matter how well intentioned the utterer was, and no matter how *wrong* I was for perhaps unfairly interpreting the message as stock, rote, easily-recited to-the-masses-oriented Chinese fortune cookie type drivel) as have faith, breathe, and it will get better.

But that, ladies and gentlemen, was *my* reaction to such statements back in the day (which wasn't THAT long ago, btw). Still, thank you both Jorja and Allie for reminding us all that different things work for different folk.

When offering advice, however, particularly when it's potentially a matter of life and death, there is something to be said for knowing your audience.

And, undoubtedly much to the collective relief of the forum, I will shut my mouth *here* and just leave it at that . . . .

[KellyJameson]

Suicide is movement when only one destination seems possible. I know this feeling well. I also know "now" that things can get better but I did'nt "than".

Faith and hope mean nothing when you are in this place because you have never experienced either. To those who have yet tasted lives joys they are luxuries.

I like Jenny Bolan but she was born into possibilities and circumstances that eased her existence and transition.

I doubt she was ever a sex worker trying to get the money together for her surgery. I doubt she ever laid on a kitchen table having another help castrate her. I doubt she experienced child abuse. I doubt she bought illegal hormones off the internet.

What we are "born into" can profoundly affect the survivability of being "born misaligned" which for myself I think of as a intersex condition described as "Harry Benjamin Syndrome"

Being born like this into a world that is largely ignorant and fearful of those who are "different" and does everything it can to make you conform takes us into mental illness and I entered my twenties with complex post traumatic stress disorder and absolutely no reason any psychologist could find for it.

Unless you are very very lucky it's an ugly world for those born misaligned. Leelah did not commit suicide. She was murdered by a world who hated her existence that she needed to escape from. I know this hate well and even though I transitioned for myself, some part of me knows it was also in the hope of escaping this hate. Hate, contempt,disgust,rejection,ect... These things wear you down

As to the suffering and brutal life conditions of many trans people, Jenny Bolan was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. She was one of the lucky ones if you can be born misaligned and still be lucky.

Sometimes we risk doing more harm than good when we try to use words to save others when our circumstances have been or are such that we can afford to dispense them without risk to ourselves.

Maybe Jenny does not want to ever go back to that helpless, hopeless feeling where suicide seems to be the only chance for relief so by dispensing encouraging platitudes she can distance herself from those dark times. I know I don't want to go back to my dark times.

Those of us who have been told to "man up" certainly can understand how words can hurt even when they are meant to heal or you are in the throes of depression and someone says "snap out of it" or you struggle with obesity and someone says "stop eating and start exercising"

Words have there uses but you have to already be in a place where they have meaning or they remain meaningless.

It is difficult to hear others when all you hear is your pain.

[Jonianne]

I had plenty of good motivational quotes and sayings and they did help, but looking back what helped me the most, in my darkness days, was my making myself keep going back to my therapy group, week after week for 7&1/2 years. For it was there, when I couldn't find what I needed inside myself, I received it from the support of others, until I did find it in me.

[gonegirl]

"".sometimes....... the best strategy may simply be having faith in the future, and finding a way to survive until you’re able to control your own destiny...."

Jenny Boylan's quote resonates with me.

There was a very long period during which I bottomed out many times (just when you think it can't get any worse, it does!) and I had only the responsibility of being a parent to hold on to, and the knowledge that someone else whose book I had read had made it though this living hell,..... and a handful of friends who I met on this forum. I had just a tiny bit of faith in the future because I had to for my kids, and there were many times I faked it because the alternative was to not survive. I forced myself to keep moving forward, and while doing so I slowly took control of my destiny for the first time ever.

I hope that someone reading this might themselves find something to give them a little faith. Do whatever you have to do for however long you have to, and keep moving forward, because being able to live one's own life is SO worth it.

[Pink Person]

I believe in affirmations and positive thinking. Some of us are immune to positive thoughts and thinking for various reasons. It has nothing to do with the value of those thoughts. We are just suffering from an unconscious bias. It helps to recognize this fact and train ourselves against it.