I want to come out on Facebook, but...

[Michelle789]

Happy New Year everyone!!! So, I want to come out on Facebook, and create a FB page for Michelle. My current FB page has my male name on it. My concern is, when I came out to my family, they made it clear to me that they did not want me to dress as a woman in their town, and they're really scared of my hometown finding out. My parents live in a small New England town. It's a suburb / small town. It's not the deep south, but it's not L.A. either. It's still a conservative, closed-minded town. They always vote Republican in presidential elections. People who live there range from commuters to NYC to rednecks who belong to the gun club. It is about 60-70 miles away from NYC.

My fear is if I come out on Facebook, that being public record, that someone in my hometown will find out, and my parents will be very angry with me. My father in particular did not take the news very well, and he tried on several occasions to verbally bully me out of transition, although he has been quiet since Thanksgiving. However, it would be very easy for people to find out, since there are people I went to high school that have friend requested me, although I never accepted the friend request back.

I also haven't legally changed my name and gender yet, but plan on doing so this year.

1. How should I handle this? Should I just do it, or should I speak with my parents about it, or just accept having a male FB page?

2. Would you recommend I come out on my male FB page, and change the name and gender, or create a brand new FB page with my new name and gender?

3. Do I have to wait to legally change my name and gender to create a new FB page?

4. Do I have to tell where I went to high school?

5. Could I give a fake last name, or just a last initial?

Please keep in mind that I currently live in L.A. and have been independent of my family for years.

I would appreciate all responses, especially from those who presently live in or grew up in or have family in small towns and other closed-minded places.

Thank you,

Michelle :)

[arbon]

1. Start a new FB account. Re-friend the people you want to keep as friends. Deactivate the old accoung.

2. See answer 1 and don't talk to your parents about it.

3. No

4. No.

5. Why?

As for the hometown thing I say they just have to get over their fears or whatever about people finding out. You don't need to worry about keeping yourself secret for them, unless your expecting a big inheritance then maybe you might want to.

[Zooey]

I recently created a separate Facebook page for my new identity, and like Arbon said I've been transitioning (pun intended) friends to it over time as I come out to them. It helps them too, because it serves as a useful reference for who else knows at this point.

At some point I will shut down my old Facebook page, but that won't be until I'm full-time and settled in at work.

[Natasha V]

Arbon to keep people from looking at your fb page you don't want I recommend to block them anyway so no one can see your posts if they like your posts somewhere or share stuff. Block all that you need to keep out for sure you become invisible to them.

[Aimee20]

I created a separate Facebook page a long time ago and friended the people I was out to at the time, there are no rules against it. Soon however that account will be deactivated because I'll be coming out to everyone and going full time in about 6 months. As far as your parents go, it sounds like they are taking this the wrong way, trying to limit who you are because they are not strong enough to be proud of their daughter is pretty self serving.

[Angela Campbell]

1. You have to decide, are you going to transition or just do what your parents want? Can't please everyone.

If you keep going all will eventually know FB or no FB.

2. make new page and forget old one.

3. no

4. no

5. not sure but...why?

6. probably not but again why? It is your life isn't it?

Look, transition is a very public thing, it isn't a some people know others don't. All will know and like it or not the decision of who will isn't yours.

[I Am Paula]

I live in a tiny very conservative town. Everyone goes to church in thier pickup truck, and almost all the social events are church run.
I transitioned right in front of them.
I share a joke with the good ole boys, and have coffee with the local ladies.
People are alot more accepting than you may think.
Someday you will have to choose between your needs, and your parents. You may lose them. You may not.

[Annaliese]

I have a face book in Annaliese name and My male name, never connect the two, and you will be fine. I even use a different browser for the two,

[PaulaQ]

Create a new facebook page. The drama of renaming the old one isn't worth it. It just isn't.
Add friends back you care about. Enjoy your freedom from the remaining ones.
Just use the name you plan to take after your name / gender marker change.

Coming out on your old page accomplishes two things, neither of which you will care for:
1. You will infuriate *someone* who knows you, probably a family member. Because all of this is all about them - just ask them.
2. You'll get a bunch of supportive sounding messages from people who'll never speak to you again in real life.

The people you cared enough about to tell already know. Anybody else? To heck with them and if you missed someone important, add them back.

You do lose your history - things you posted about in the past on FB. That bothered me not at all. Good riddance.

I did it - I came out on my old FB page. After awhile, I realized that deleting it was just the correct thing to do for me.

[DebbieL]

I created a second account, the first for Rex B and the second for Debbie L. I used different last names and different first names. I set up the second (Debbie) email address on yahoo, then I created a google e-mail using the yahoo e-mail, then I used the google e-mail to create the facebook account for Debbie. This way I could keep the two as isolated as I wanted.

On my Debbie account, I friended my family members, and others in my life who knew me as Debbie. Business and community contacts were maintained on Rex's account. I used two separate web browsers as well as one on cell phone and the other on tablet so I could maintain them separately. When I legally transitioned, Rex didn't exist any more so I changed the name to Debbie B on Rex's facebook account. This way all my business and community contacts could make the association. I've spent years building up a solid reputation in technology and didn't want to just "disappear". This made it easier to maintain continuity.

You don't have to legally change your name to create a new FB page, but you may have to be authenticated with an e-mail account. Ultimately, an account with shared credit card information would link you back, but you don't have to make the trail too obvious.

It's better not to create too much fiction about your past. This can be a red flag to the authorities and administrators. You can be very general and say which state, which county or if it's a larger town, which town, which means you don't specify the exact school name. Classmates can find you on your boy account and you can friend them in your girl account if you want.

Times have changed quite a bit. When I first came to New Jersey, cross-dressers could be arrested just for being in public. Today, I have even had discussions with police officers and shown them my Rex ID and they check that I have no priors and thank me for my patience. Now that I'm legally Debbie, I have no problems at all, and the state now forbids discriminatory treatment of transgender people.

My parents lived in Grand Junction CO, as well as my brother, and my sister lived in a small town in West Virginia. Both places were conservative and a bit redneck, and seemed to only get Fox News. Because I kept the two accounts separate, I could friend my father, brother, and sister, without involving their friends. As a result, they got a much better insight into my world and who I really was. My dad really wanted to meet his daughter when I came to be with him at the end, and he ended up falling in love with her. My sister always saw me as her older sister she never had, and my brother knew but wasn't as comfortable with it.

In the past 2 years they have gotten to know me better and I have been able to answer many questions. They even repost some of Debbie's postings and add "Love you sis" to the posting.

My kids live in Colorado Springs which has 5 military bases and headquarters for focus on the family. They are friends and several of their friends have friended me as well. The get a window into my world, and they give me a window into theirs. Both of them live me and call me Mom Debbie, and my grandchildren call me "Gamma Debbie" with great enthusiasm.

[KateConnors]

It appears that I disagree with most folks on here in that I would say just change your name/gender on your current facebook page. Having separate facebook profiles introduces another level of discontinuity in life that I've been striving hard to avoid through transition.

[Jorja]

I personally do not participate on facebook. It is too much of an intrusion into my personal identity. If it is really important to you, fade the old page out and fade the new page in. If it is really important you do not offend your parents, don't tell them. Just do it.

[Karren J]

239048

Don't worry too much about the internet police dragging you off to jail.:)

[PretzelGirl]

Who are you living for Michelle? I know you want to give your parents some time to see if they come around. But if you do nothing with your transition, they will have nothing to come around to. So live your life the way you want.

I appear to be the backwards person. I wanted to keep all of my Facebook history with my family plus I work a side business and use Facebook for it. So I changed all of my male pictures so that only my family and anyone who previously commented on them could see them. I came out on the page and a week later changed my name and gender. Then I invited all my friends from Sue's old page over so they would be combined. Done and zero drama. Rule one of not getting drama. Don't look for it!

[Rogina B]

It is YOUR life and if you are serious in your transitioning,it matters little who finds out.If you have a share of your parent's money coming to you,[but that can always evaporate],it really does not matter what your parents think.There is nothing wrong with weeding out friends that aren't.

[docrobbysherry]

I have a face book in Annaliese name and My male name, never connect the two, and you will be fine. I even use a different browser for the two,

I do it the same as Annaliese. My Robert Page friends and family don't know about my Sherry Page. And, vice versa. Sherry's page has been open for over 5 years with no connections to Robert's to date. I'm careful to close one before I open the other. And, even use different servers.

But, I'm a closet dresser, not TS, Michelle. Secrecy is VERY important to me. If you're coming out, maybe u should listen to the other trans here?

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm sure there are multiple approaches that can work. The whole point of transition for me was to stop having secrets. Feeling like I needed to worry about who knew what, so I just updated my existing Facebook page to reflect who I am – after coming out to everyone close to me. It worked just fine as I provided Facebook with a copy of my name change order and they complied quickly and without question.

[Angela Campbell]

strange...I never had to provide a thing when I changed my name on FB....Just went in and edited it to my new name and gender. No questions, no approvals just changed it.

[Michelle789]

I think Facebook went through a phase where they required name verification, although they eliminated that feature a few months ago. There was a huge outcry from a lot of groups against Facebook's former policy, including the trans community, since many of us create FB pages without a legal name change. This includes TSes before getting the name change, and CDers who want a FB page for their female profile but aren't transitioning.

I personally decided to use a pseudonym for my last name.

@Kimberly,

I do understand about having no secrets, and the fact that I was still using my male FB name was killing me internally. I don't think I'm that far away from the day where I will be ready to do the legal name and gender change. It's long overdue. I find that it is important to have matching documentation, email, Skype, social media profiles, my computer user name, AA phone lists, other online user accounts, and every other possible thing where my name is being used, to use my authentic name. It was very important for me to create a new FB page.

I ended up sending a private message to everyone I wanted to keep as friends with a link to my new FB page, and sent out friend requests to as many as I could re-locate their profiles. Several sent me friend requests themselves. I felt it was best to minimize any real risk of my parent's town finding out, and risking another guilt-tripping lecture from my dad on how his life has now been ruined because the town or relatives found out. I don't have any real connection to relatives or people from my home town. I haven't spoken to my relatives in 20 years, and I never kept in touch with anyone from high school or from the town I grew up in. I really haven't lost anything with regards to my home town.

I'm not hiding from anyone. I just am not ready for another lecture from my father. Maybe at some later date I'll change my last name, and no longer fear another lecture from dad. I am simply not ready for additional stresses right now. I went through a lot in November with my family, and I'm not ready for yet another round.

However, it feels wonderful to be out on FB, and I have been slowly getting people friending me or accepting my friend requests throughout the day today. Most of the important people from the present or the past are now friends in FB. I have also added people from the trans community, none of whom knew my male FB page.

FWIW, I am using Cody's last name. I was thinking that myself. When I told him about my dilemma, he immediately said that I can use his last name. I asked him if he was sure about that and he said yeah. Besides, he keeps telling me that I am his future wife, and refers to me using his last name. I feel like using his last name feels right to me. Now, we just have to start planning the wedding :)

[Kimberly Kael]

Every transition is unique, so it's most important that you've found an approach that works for you. I certainly understand about the situation with your father. I made one major concession in the interest of not burning bridges with my own father:*I never did come out to his father. So I made three visits post-transition in boy mode before my grandfather passed away, each of which took a significant emotional toll on me. It's not an experience I'd recommend but it made sense under the circumstances. I refused to give my father a reason to believe I was the unreasonable one, and since he was never present during one of the visits I didn't undermine my message to him that this is who I am.

I'm glad you're making your own process work for you. May it go as smoothly as possible!

[BeckyW]

The whole point of transition for me was to stop having secrets. Feeling like I needed to worry about who knew what, so I just updated my existing Facebook page to reflect who I am – after coming out to everyone close to me.

I look forward to that freedom someday. I hate trying to live two different lives.

[KaceyR]

It was moderately easy for me to double-fb things. Kacey-specific email accounts and off I went.
I was probably more open in a way than most however..I even friended myself between accounts so if one was to really dig..they could figure things out.

I'd made it during my CD exploration-times, and used it for that, LGBT issues, and more 'adult' discussion/posts.
(Not porn..but open sexuality and women's advocacy topics.). Kept it that way still.

My old male page I kept going.. And I'd duplicate LGBT and women's rights advocacy posts there too.
And..I'd been on FB for a long time and had 339 "friends" from the gaming,etc.

But I had support already by then from friends and family and I was in a "don't care what anyone else thinks" mode. (Still am actually..am very open and public view allowed in my bios about all of it). Even later when officially starting HRT I didn't change much.

Things changed recently tho.. While still working on name legality..I've now gone 100% official fulltime Kacey'ed even at work since the first. So, after exposing Kacey (not literally :D) to my mom's friends and everyone else tied to her life in Indiana over Christmas.. I came back and decided to do my FB announcement on the male side to match along with the new permanency with everything else.

Long write up and explaining the other account and said "if you wanted to follow me on the other youo're welcome. If you don't like it and have issues and you feel the need to unfriend.. Best of wishes, it's been good". (Paraphrasing)

With 339 friends tho I'm uncertain all really "saw" that post. Picture changed to be a Kacey Selfie there.. Name will change likely (still deciding what to.. ) but couldn't delete it due to the gaming side...too many levels,etc gained in games there to give up. But the info is there as a last status and bio on that page.. , there'll be no new posts there just my gaming activity and it's going to be the one deleted if FB really wants to delete a multiple acct.

So far, 2 people unfriended... About 10 friended the Kacey side. Again...unsure if all really saw the post.
But that's my version of the FB 'coming out' story.

[PretzelGirl]

Kacey, that is a problem with Facebook deciding which posts are important enough for your wall. Three months after coming out, I had a high school friend post a "throwback" picture. I replied with "Now that is the guy I remember". He replied with "Sue, what is your maiden name?". So obviously he missed it. Went to a private message to straighten that one out.

One thing you can do, I am not sure I would, would be to put your full, old name in the entry for "Other names". It gives them some reference to who you are. Probably the big decision point there is whether you want both names on display or if you want to change your name and move on.

[Megan Thomas]

Facebook is all about social networking. It doesn't matter how careful you are, sooner or later something will happen that links your two personas together. That's what FB do, look for connections with people. You've had plenty of advice so far and I won't add to it. Just to say that you can't be a TS and true to yourself if you hide aspects of yourself from or for others.

[Rianna Humble]

Megan, there are a number of TS members of this forum who would not agree with your last sentence. They are women (or men for the FtM) and don't see the need to parade their medical history for the rest of their lives. That is an equally valid point of view.

[KaceyR]

Hmm. Hope this works..getting odd parts of the forum not being sent/passed to me from the server.
Yeah Sue, I'd thought and was still thinking on that. Since it's now "the redundant" account, the thought was just changing the first name from "Wes" to "NotWes" or "NotWesAnymore" :) Silly, I know, but oh well. FB's pretty silly in itself anyways :)

The other thing is on how FB's displays to others of your statuses,etc.
The one thing that is seen by all is that you can start up a subject page.
Start to get subscribers or "Likers" to that page.
They will see all posts from that group.
But once you hit a "Magical" number of 200 people in it.. All of a sudden it's seen by the group managers that only about 17-25% or less members will actually have the updates be seen on their news feeds. They're invisible to the rest (unless the person clicks on the groups' page itself).
That's why groups will post to tell you to turn on notifications,etc in order to not miss anything.
(Liking another groups posts frequently helps keep it showing in you news too).

Thing is, I am thinking that with my 339(now 337 :)) friends..am thinking my own status post got handled the same way.
(Especially since 2 untold family members didn't do _any_ response to the news to my mom or I. Now if someone likes it later or adds a comment, it might re-show up on a new batch of friends' feeds. So had thought about putting a "bump" comment from Kacey account to that post to potentially pop it up again and make more aware. But the other side of me thinks if they were _really_ interested in the old side's life, they'll figure it out sometime, so may not bother.

[VanTG]

I think Facebook is getting a little old, so many ads on it now. A lot of people are leaving Facebook. But then again it is a great way to meet people, other than on here of course.

[MonicaJean]

my plan was to always use a single Facebook account. But with a few people, they are very close to me, gave me so much negative feedback and harassment, I said screw it, and created a second Facebook account.

Looks like I will just do a final post on my old one when I do transition to tell people to joinmy new page if they so desire.

I sure hope Facebook doesn't start deleting accounts of transgender folks, I've met some very nice people there in a couple have been instrumental in helping meduring this rough time of transition. I think finding any available positive resources is always a good thing.

And I'm finding this new page is way more fun and way more chatty than my old one. I'm liking Facebook more now that I did this step,