Consequences of coming out to my mother

[SusanaO]

After not having been online much the past month or so, I thought a lot about why I had stopped dressing. I simply had no desire; I stopped manicuring my hands, shaving my face, legs, etc. Why I did it, I don't think matters much (I attribute it to just having been so busy) as much as it matters that once I started again I've been doing it more. I don't go more than a day without shaving my face, constantly plucking the little chest hair I have to keep it smooth (luckily I don't have much arm hair), and I waxed my legs and underarms, and thinned my eyebrows a bit. I guess although it wasn't my intention to purposely stop dressing, I realize I can't stop for long.

In the past two months, I've gotten closer to my mother as we opened up for conversations we never had before (e.g. why did as my father pleased, why her second marriage didn't work, why her children distanced themselves from her, why I can't maintain a relationship for long etc). And, she saw my nails were painted a bright red, which she complimented and said a lot of women would kill to have nails like mine. At this point, I don't care what anyone says about my nails. In fact, for two weeks I sported a French tip manicure for which I received nothing but compliments, even from a few men. But the fact that my mother seemed to like it (my mother is mostly conservative) made my day.

When I gave myself a French tip pedicure, I texted her a picture of my feet. She said they looked lovely and asked if I had done them myself, to which I replied yes. Then came a question I totally had forgotten to address: she asked me if I had shaved my feet (she knows I have hairy feet). Well, I couldn't lie, so I told her the truth: I waxed them. Her response: "Good, otherwise the pedicure doesn't look good!" But I wish I had told her more, something like "in fact, I waxed my entire legs because otherwise mini skirts don't look good." Perhaps I would have in person.

I can't say if my mother ever noticed I would touch her things, even though I always made sure I put things back the way they were (because I do notice when people touch my things), so I don't know if she knows or suspects I like wearing women's clothes. But, given that I doubt she's read up on crossdressers, she probably thinks I'm gay as most people think crossdressers are. I guess more likely she thinks I'm gay rather than a crossdresser, but how should I know without asking her? There's been plenty of posts where members remark how we underestimate our fellow GG's and think they're completely unaware when they've had their suspicion for years. I really hope this is the case with my mother so it doesn't come to a complete surprise. I doubt she will disown me for liking to dress like a woman, but if she's clueless, I'd hate for her to believe things are really different than what she imagines (then again, I'm her only son who's meticulous about his appearance and you know what that makes people think, and I'm not sure she's noticed my thinner eyebrows).

I remember reading from one of our members how she came out to her mother, simply by showing her a picture of her dressed. I'm thinking about going the same route. What do you all think? What are things I will need to consider and/or account for when a close family member knows?

As always, responses are much appreciated.

[prettytoes]

My guess would be that if she has seen you with bright red nails, and a french tip pedicure, that there is not a whole lot left to tell her. It seems as though she is already fairly supportive, and I really don't think she would be at all surprised to see you in a skirt or dress. You could invite her over and tell her that you want to show her something that goes great with your pedicure. Answer the door in a skirt (make sure it is your favorite!), and ask "what do you think?" You can than explain to her about the whole "you crossdress so you must be gay" thing. Best of luck, I hope it all goes well for you!

[kimdl93]

This isn't going to come as a surprise to your mother. After all the clues you've given, it's time to come out clearly and unabiguously.

[Maria 60]

Well if she seen the bright red nails I believe she already did the math. We sometime underestimate our parents, I know there old school but they sometime shock me. I myself would probably throw a few more hints in and see how that goes, but sounds like to me you have a girlfriend.

[justmetoo]

My personal take is it's better to come out to people with words first, whether spoken or written. Save the pictures or in person en femme reveals for later, once they've shown support or interest. But it probably varies for each individual. Some people are better at expressing themselves in words, some are more comfortable showing pictures; and some people are more receptive to words and a chance to take it in, while others might be better with a visual reveal so they don't form incorrect images in their imaginations. You are probably the best placed to judge your own circumstances for coming out to people.

However you do it, best of luck! My guess and hope is your mother will be supportive.

[DorothyElizabeth]

I am with Maria 60, but I would add one more suggestion: If there is any way possible, reveal all to your mother sooner, rather than later. We never know when something terrible may befall those whom we love, and deprive both us and them of chances.

[Michelle 78]

I have told my mother that I dress around 6 months ago now, She had no idea that I dressed. I wrote her a letter and gave it to her, I was so nervous while she read it, then she asked why I do it, and then the normal questions which I was waiting for are you gay? etc. It took time, but now we are closer than ever because of it. Your mother may suspect you because of the painted nails which gives you a head start you could say, but you should tell her because it is better coming from you and her finding out in another way. Your mother will not disown you, mothers will love their children no matter what you do, I can say that 100% after what I've been through with my mother, in time you will see that it was the best thing you could do.

Feel free to message me if I can help.

Hugs

Michelle

[Joan_CD]

Hi SusanaO,

this is is just a thought, but what if you texted her and during the conversation said do you think the shade I use on my nails would look good in a lipstick? If she comes back negative you can say gee I was just joking, and if she says it would or recommended a different shade you could go from there. Maybe it would be a good way to test the waters.

[ReineD]

I don't think it will be a surprise to your mother. But, I wouldn't formally break the news by showing her a picture. Instead, tell her that you are a crossdresser, do your best to explain to her what this means for you (you might want to direct her to a website or two), and ASK her if she wants to see a picture of you dressed. You might also tell her that you would like for her to understand and not reject it outright because it is a part of who you are.

Good luck!

[Nancy Sue]

Susana, the consequences of coming out to your mother are - she will either accept it, or she will reject it at first, and then accept you, whom she clearly loves and cares about. She has complimented you on your nails, and your toes, talked about whether you do it yourself of hire it done, and made helpful comments like pointing out if you do not shave your feet your French tipped toe nails will not look good! What more of a hint can you expect her to give you? She is open to you or she would have poo-pooed it and said something snarky! I doubt she is going to ask if your panties match your fingers or your toes, but I bet she is wondering?

Either she thinks you are gay, or she thinks you cross dress. So I recommend the same thing Reine just said - go over in person (or invite her over for coffee or lunch), show her a new color you may be thinking about for your nails, ask what she thinks, and have a photo of you dressed ready to show her, in case you find she is open to that. I wish I had been able to have this discussion with my mom before she passed a few years ago. If I had known then what I have learned from others here the past couple years I would have been able to do it, but that is water under the bridge.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It would be kind and gentle if the first pic you show her isn't in a miniskirt, but you in your most conservative femme clothes (if you even have any!), and not too much make up. It isn't that I don't want you to be yourself you understand, just that you don't want to shock her. She sounds like she isn't going to judge you, or even be particularly surprised- I'm just suggesting that you're respectful. I agree with Reine that a talk first is the ideal way to begin. She's your mom- she worries about your safety, and she might be fearful for you going out late at night in revealing, provocative clothing. Put yourself in her shoes.

But congrats- I think she's going to be accepting and supportive- all any of us want from our families and those close to us.

[Marcelle]

Hi Susana,

I agree with the other posts in that I am sure your mother has her suspicions and given the painted nails comments she doesn't seem too fussed by it. However, I would approach this in a similar way most do with their SOs and tell her about Susanna before you spring a picture on her. She may have her suspicions but seeing the whole package could be disconcerting at first (after all you are her only son). Discuss it with her, gauge her reactions then offer to show her a picture and then go from there.

Hugs

Isha

[Claire Cook]

Hi Susana,

It sounds like you and your mother are developing a close relationship. And she certainly must be reading your "clues". I'd side with Reine and Isha -- breaking it to her gently might be the best route. I wouldn't start with a picture, and make sure that she knows that you are still her son!

Perhaps having your nails done first might help?

[mykell]

hello susana,
i think she knows, so tactfully confirm it with conversation, if she wishes to see it first hand let a photo be at her discretion and not a "tah dah" moment.
by doing so you will confirm your status and not an assumed notion of where on the spectrum you fall. "transgendered" in a internet search shows much more accurate results than "crossdresser" or "transvestite". either way from what you have shared so far i believe it will be a mutual start of a trusted and respected relationship with your mom, either in male or female roles....

oh do apologize for using her things without permission, im sure she knows about that also.....

[AletaHawk]

Certainly feels like she knows something is up already. I'm surprised she hasn't asked already. Best of luck to you, however you decide to make the reveal!

[Caden Lane]

Is suggest she knows, she is just waiting expectantly and patiently for you to actually come out and open up about it. It sounds like no matter what, she is willing to be your greatest champion. That's rare, I'd embrace it. I wish my mom would be half as accepting and understanding.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Katie Russell]

Hi Susanna

I think you are best approaching the subject in a subtle manner as opposed to a big reveal. As Michelle suggested a letter may work. There are some posts with suggested letters that other members have used on their SO. If you are not very good with words or expressing your feelings then this maybe the best way as it give you time to collect your thoughts. It will also give you the opportunity to get everything across to your mother and if she finds it difficult at first she can always take the letter away with her to digest as opposed to her leaving mid-conversation without you having told her everything you want.

Katie

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Susan, I really don't think your mom will be surprised, I suspect that she already knows.:hugs:

[RachelRoxx]

Trust me, your mother knows. Especially if you used to wear her clothes. They can tell. Lol. I dont think you have anything to worry about sunshine.

[Dianne S]

I echo the others... do not disclose with a picture. I recommend simply telling your mom everything. When you both feel she's ready, she can see a picture or indeed see you in person.

[Isabella Ross]

I'll go against the grain here. Show her a photo (tasteful). She's not a child, and the goal is to help her understand. She probably already knows. And if she doesn't, a photo will help her connect the dots really fast.

[SusanaO]

Thank you all, for your kind replies.

Just to be clear, I'm not her only son, but I am the oldest son (I have an older sister).

At this point I'm still sure I want to tell her in person, and I think I'll save a tasteful picture and show her only if she asks she wonders how I look as a woman. It also came to me that another reason I do this sooner than later is to make it clear to her that I do plan on marrying (a woman) some day and have children, since right now I think she's waiting for me to come out as gay.

I'll let you all know how it goes after I get some alone time with her. I'll visit her while wearing cherry pink polish and a tad bit of makeup to get the conversation started.

[DorothyElizabeth]

I think I may safely speak for all, when I say we are rooting for you. PLease keep us posted, and let us know how it goes.

Hugs.

[Alice Torn]

Very good advice from the others. I think my mom knew i was borrowing hers, and my sister' stuff, and though my parents did not mention dressing, they did try to get mt to a "shrink". In 2005, i first dressed fully. By that time, my mom, 2000 miles away, had Alzheimers, so i never got to tell her about my dressing. I doubt if i would have, because she would have told my harsh father, who would have told my brothers and sister. My mom died in 2012, totally out of it, and even if i had told her, she was too far gone with Alzheimers to have understood anything. Sounds like your mom will be ok with it.

[Jorja]

At times I am spot on with my advice. At other times, not so much. The one thing I have learned here is listen to what RenieD has to say. She is correct more often than not.

[SusanaO]

Jorja,

You bring up an interesting point. After reading every response, it seems ReineD's is the average of all the responses.

I will give you ladies an update later :)

[Genifer Teal]

I don't think the photo is a good idea. See how she reacts first. No need to put a vision in her head. You can't unsee what has already been seen. My mom found out and we had a very brief conversation. She basically said I never want to talk about it unless you are never doing it again. She lived in a very different time. She will never understand. She still loves me and treats me the same. :-)

[Dianne S]

No need to put a vision in her head.

While I agree starting with a photo is not such a good idea, I'm not sure about not showing yourself ever. After I told my mother, I think she had all kinds of ridiculous visualizations of me as a woman. When I finally showed up as Dianne for the first time, she stared at me for a few seconds and then said: "My God, you look like a girl!"

Sometimes reality can be less disturbing than imagination.

[daviolin]

I always wished I would of come out to my mother. I think she would of embraced it. To bad for me. I never did. Daviolin

[binair10]

Susana, Your mother already has a good idea that you are a dresser...believe me.
Ask her round for coffee, and leave the photo lying around. When she makes a comment on how Girly you look, you can always say it was taken when you were going to a Halloween party. But if she wants to see you dressed..do dress sensibly.
Then you can take it from there.
Mothers are not stupid. Mothers love their children.
Julie.

[DonnaT]

I imagine your mother isn't so conservative that she'd have a negative response to learning you are a CDer.

When I showed my mom a picture, it was an avatar photo I had accidentally left on the camera. She was quite accepting, however, and has gifted me with several of her things.

So, you might start with a head shot photo, and discuss makeup.

[SusanaO]

That reminds me: she actually has seen in as a girl in pictures from two different halloween parties (she found it amusing). But, that was before I was wearing nail polish etc., and the makeup was more of a drag style. She hasn't seen me how I like to see myself as a woman.

[CONSUELO]

I agree with the advice from ReineD. Tell her rather than surprise her with a picture. That can follow later.