going with the flow

[GabbiSophia]

I find myself trying not to fight anymore but just live, all be it might be day to day, it has really helped me calm down some. Though I find myself finding my thoughts seem to always be thinking about gender even if it is the thoughts that I am not having thoughts. I also am finding that the more I think that I do not have gd or need to take action the more I realize I actually do. I have found myself trying to convince myself that I am not going to transition and that I am just a true crossdresser at heart. It's funny because I am trying to do 100 other things in my life yet this always is there. I am starting to wonder if I should give my GD a name and consider it a friend and move along ...lol. .. ok not funny ...whatever.. I am starting to really see no matter how much I want things or want things to turn out with me I am stuck with what I got and I will need to take action to bring things in line. I can tell you this ... hormones .. I mean the fact that we have them at all .... are a pain in the arse ...or boobs in my case ... I hate the roller coaster and when I level off for a day or two I really think I have found were I belong until I crash ... just glad I am not a dang pilot. anyways

[Kris Avery]

It's still early for me, but after almost 6 weeks of HRT I have yet to have any emotional downs.

Physical issues are another matter. It seems what is on my mind is avoiding all contact - not even breathing anywhere near my chest.:heehee:

[LeaP]

Gabbi,

I'm not exactly sure what you are saying about hormones. Did you start HRT or not? If so, are you saying that you are experiencing significant ups and downs on hormones??

[GabbiSophia]

yeah ... the sad lows or over emotional I guess you would call them. The Gd transformed from what it used to be and is now kind of a emotional thing. I actually just realized this past week that I believe these ups and downs are actually tied to the duration of time I get to spend as myself. the less time the more the build up and then when I "switch" back I have at least a day of anger. This is a new realization for me and I wonder if it is what I have been feeling the whole time.

The one thing I have found out is that I do not have time to just sit around and figure out what I am feeling. I am working, doing family and ect. so I try just to go with my emotions and deal with it but with this new realization I may have to take different steps.

Also I do not believe my hormones are right yet and I am not sure what they should be but it is just a feeling.

[Rogina B]

Gabbi,Way back when you first started posting your thoughts,I suggested that you need to get out and about and further your experiences and hone your feelings once you have experienced a more feminine life. You may be able to develop a life that will satisfy you over time.

[GabbiSophia]

You know back then i kind of didn't get that but I do now. The issue is when the hell can i do that? I do not know how others found the time other than going full time. I am up for 18 hrs a day between work and fam and the isn't a slow moment.

[Rogina B]

Gabbi,Lea asked you if you were on HRT and you really didn't answer that directly. I should think that your family would gladly give you the time to better explore yourself now,rather than later.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yep It's a problem.

Your GID doesn't care about your schedule or your family.

That being said, how is your family reacting to you now? Mood? Affection? fun? if all that is going on, then you GID is not that bad and you should just try to live life, go to a therapist to help you through tough moments and see what happens. If you never express your gender feelings, then that's on you.

If you are perpetually going back and forth, and you don't change something, then you go back and forth forever.

[Frances]

What's a feminine life though? Women work and have families. Your reaction to HRT, however, is pretty constant in your postings. What is your therapist's opinion on the matter?

[GabbiSophia]

Rogina i thought it was obvious in my other posts. I have been on hormones for 8 months both spiro and estrogen. As for the family. I have a step child and it's very complicated with my wife's ex so to say my fam would allow that is a stretch.

Frances my therapist well she thinks I am a trip. She says i refuse to not except and that i am as stubburn as a mule. She tells me if i want to stop feeling like crap then go forward but she never says it directly. I also do not know how to do for me and that is what she wants me to work on but I am to busy. She says i deflect to work to avoid. Yeeppee.

kaitlyn that is where my op came from. I have a great wife who is far more understanding than me. Though the love is grand it is the mood. As long as i bend a ton home life is great. The fore mentioned step son has no idea and is in a huge emotional battle about his dad not wanting him and i do not want to crush him. As for run...what is that?