After one year of being out to my spouse

[Rebekah_uk]

After one of being out to my wife, I let the communication line slip and I shaved my arms and legs. Only to find my wife has a problem with me shaving my arms.

After a post supper discussion tonight my wife asked me what are my crossdressing goals were. Other than finding inner peace I have to say I haven't got a clue. I cannot forsee at the moment my wife and I going out together with me dressed. She doesn't want to see me dressed at home. It's taken nearly a year for her to see my clothes.

I dont know what to aim to anymore

Rebekah

[mykell]

hello rebekah,
its been one year for myself also, i have a thread out about it,
since my reveal i dont do anything without first passing by the mrs. first now, presently trying to have my legs shaved and waiting for a time to bring it up.
i dont wear panties or a bra so im trying to have something girlie to myself, even if it will only be a winter pleasure, eyebrows would be my next venture. yours may have a problem with your arms as its a very visible site and she possibly wants no need to explain anything away.

i dont think i would be able to dress with mine and she hasnt seen my *stuff* or asked about it, she knows i will be going out at some point, where and when have yet to be determined, was trying for an x-mas social which fell flat, but if finances change i will try for the event in PA in march.

inner peace is a optimum target i feel, you just have to have your aim confirmed before you pull the trigger, lets her be a part of the hunt ?
best of luck acquiring your peace.....

[Brenda456]

It takes time. A lot of time. . .

[kimdl93]

Don't aim for anything other than open communications at this point. Expectations can get in the way.

[Jenniferathome]

Kim, thats damn fine advice!

Rebekah, think about the positives. 1) You CAN talk to your wife about this! 2) Your clothes are not hidden 3) She's asking questions. Keep talking.

[Annaliese]

That's the problem, it is in continence change, we get to a point, and then our focus change, to be able to say what I want in a year, is imposable. Don't let your self get stuck with rules that you can not live by, you don't know what, going to happen, so don't get block in.

[Rachael Leigh]

Rebekah it's a process with our wives for sure, my wife has come around some but she ask me questions like that too and it's not easy to answer cause I'm really not sure either. I'm just comfortable wearing the clothes and I don't really know why.
It's hard for them to understand when we really don't
Hang in there

[Rachelakld]

No goals, just go with the moment

My inner peace meant going out in to the big wide world

[Andrea Chenowith]

Rebekah - I'm not sure if this would work for you, but I've been lucky as a blonde to be able to trim my arm hair very short (1/8") and have it practically invisible from a distance. Maybe that could be a compromise for your SO?

[MissTee]

Agree you should aim to keep the communications open. Beyond that, it's as much as where you want to take it as where it wants to take you. That varies by individual.

[ReineD]

I cannot forsee at the moment my wife and I going out together with me dressed. She doesn't want to see me dressed at home.

Does this mean that if she did want to see you dressed, then you would like to dress more openly at home, and if she did want to go out with you dressed, then you would like to do this also?

Then the honest thing to tell her (see your post last week), is that you would ultimately like to work on your presentation enough to be able to go out in public without immediately looking like a man in a dress, and this means shaving, breast forms, wig, makeup, long nails, jewelry, and appropriate clothing. Many times wives believe that this is the first step to transition and this is why they resist so many changes. But, it isn't.

You say you want inner peace. A natural extension of the CDing is to eventually experience interaction with others while dressed and this does not mean that you will want to do this every day, all day, for ever and ever, and taking physical steps to transition with invasive surgeries. My SO told me that he wanted to catch up the girl self to the guy self and this is exactly what he did. He eventually found a great balance between the two, but being male is the default. He is not TS.

You may want to think about joining a support group and discuss this with your wife. This will allow you a safe place to go out without your wife needing to come along if she doesn't want to. But, do find a group where wives are invited to attend and be sure to let your wife know that she is always welcome to attend if she wants to. If you give yourself regular outlets to dress, then it won't build up to such a degree over the years that out of frustration you will question your gender identity. IMO.

<much later edit>
You say your wife objected to the arm shaving more than the legs. This makes sense. If you do not plan on transitioning, meaning if you do not plan to be out to everyone in both your lives as a full-time woman, it is best in most communities to keep the CDing private from your male life. This means to not have too many visible CD-cues such as shaved arms, long fingernails, highly arched eyebrows, etc. We had a survey years ago among the GGs in this forum and the biggest worry was that others would find out about the CDing. This is especially true if there is a job to consider and not wanting people to gossip behind your back. Some members here do make a choice that presenting mixed-gender cues is more important to them than what others think, but I'm explaining why your wife objected particularly to your shaved arms.

My SO clips his arm hair so they aren't completely denuded. Women have arm hair too. :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Rebekah,

I can't add much beyond the communication aspect of your relationship. It appears your wife is open to discussion about your CDing so I would continue with that line of questioning . . . "What are your goals?". She has asked an honest question and does deserve an honest response. I would think about this and determine what is you wish to achieve. Is it dressing at home in private? Going out someday completely en femme? Join a support group?. Once you have determined what that is, tell her as she should know the whole story. I find a lot of people once they come out to their SOs will push the boundary a little at a time after promising the mutually agreed upon boundary is fixed and shall never be crossed. IMHO this only adds fuel to the fire. Come up with an end game, present it in civil approach and mutually agree upon a timeline to achieve the end game. Naturally compromises will need to be made by both parties but at least "full disclosure" has been presented and there should be no surprises later down the road for both of you. Yes, it is possible your end game will change, it did for me. You may start with "dressing at home" because you don't have a desire to go out. However, should you all of a sudden decided that "going out" is something you would like to do . . . go back to the drawing board and discuss it.

Hugs

Isha

[Krisi]

I think my wife would have a problem with me shaving my arms (and legs) as well. What I do is trim them to about 1/4" with an electric trimmer. That way they are not shaved but the hair doesn't show from a distance.

As far as crossdressing goals, you don't have to set goals, just let it take you where it takes you. Even if you have a goal in mind (walking around town dressed with your wife by your side), you don't have to tell her that. Just let dressing grow naturally but don't rush it.

As for going out dressed with your wife, I think a lot of this depends on how convincing you are as a female. Without photos, I can't tell.

[Maria 60]

Time is usually the answer, when I told my wife for years she didn't want me to buy or wear anything pink. I couldn't figure it out. Then out of nowhere she comes home one day with bright pink panties and matching bra, I don't know how a women tics. Take it slow and be patient.

[alwayshave]

Rebekah - I'm not sure if this would work for you, but I've been lucky as a blonde to be able to trim my arm hair very short (1/8") and have it practically invisible from a distance. Maybe that could be a compromise for your SO?
To that end you could bleach your arm hair and then trim it back a little.

[Teresa]

Rebekah,
I've decided to work towards not having to hide my Cding anymore ! Accept that it's for life, we can't help how we feel so why should we have to suffer mental torture ? At the point in my life we are back to just the two of us, if we don't start talking now about the situation we may not have a future together ! My wife knows about my needs now she has less to lose by accepting them than living without me ! The other point is allowing me to be more open will let me achieve a balance with my dressing ! If you have unresolved issues in your mind being allowed to live them out may be better for both of us in the long term !

As for the body shaving, the sad fact is my wife just doesn't notice me, I had to tell her I'd shaved my legs, even though I was wearing shorts at the time, I've shaved my chest, arms and now my hands since then, without comment !

[Rebekah_uk]

Hello everyone

Thanks for the lovely advice given by all of you, just left me a little out of sorts when my wife asked me what are your goals and I couldn't answer. After reading each post I am taking the positives that everybody mentioned and will keep reminding myself of those positives when I am feeling down. It was the first step back so far since I came out to my wife but as you have all said. Once this is out you have to ride the rough with the smooth and take each bump as it comes, we are keeping the dialogue open at all times but times I think I do talk about it myself a little to much.

Thank you again
Rebekah
xxx

[ChristinaK]

I started shaving my chest a little over a year ago. Then went to my legs and arms. My wife doesn't like the nubs so I am careful to remain diligent in shaving. She has asked me several times to stop, but I can't. It's who I am now. She doesn't understand, but she doesn't need to. In the past she complained about my hair, but now she wants it. Sheesh! I think it's because she knows about my dressing and the shaving reminds her of my femininity. We have a DADT relationship and she sticks to it pretty well. Recently she found my clothes and said she didn't want my daughter to find them. I told her we should hang them with her clothes. She didn't respond. I took that as a positive as she didn't throw them away. Baby steps. As time goes on she is relaxing her attitude a little, but I'm still a pervert in her eyes. Too bad.

Theresa, if it's any consolation, it took my wife several weeks to find out I started shaving my legs and arms. I have twice worn red or pink fingernail polish and she didn't notice at all. It was to me and my daughter's great amusement, but it's kind of sad too.

[LexiNexi]

hmmm...

I take ambian for sleep and have a habit of being awake on it, but with amnesia. I have no body hair and my girl and I have pink toe nails tonight.

[Andrea_cd]

Communication and patience , it has been nearly 6yrs since i cam out to my wife and the first 4 years she did not want to know about Andrea period , it has only been the last 2 ish years that she has started to accept me in niteys or lingerie and only in the bedroom while sleeping no sex while dressed , Last week I got the first permission to go clothes shopping for Andrea a first .
Be patient be conciderate respect her level of acceptence and don't push boundries I did and it cost me a year of progress , its a long road but if your not up for the walk it could get messy , just my views I wish you all the best

[kinkyboots]

It's also been a year for me and my wife. Although she has not seen me dressed in 10 months, there is still some occasional tension. oh sure we can joke about it, she loves that I actually have an opinion of clothes or makeup, or girly things in general; but she is scarred of loosing me to some unknown, I try to calm her fears that I am not going anywhere.
My wife says she supports me, but through communication I know I have also damaged her trust and self-esteem, and I feel just awful about that, so I tend to play most of it up in a joking manner; like watching Project Runway with her, and say: "I wouldn't be caught dead in that", or "nice pumps, do they come in men's sizes?" most of the time this gets a laugh and some bonding, but sometimes it also back fires and it gets quiet.

[charlenesomeone]

Communication again, but sometimes it doesn't just flow. It might need back and forth like she did with you.
If the answer isn't readily available, use that as way to talk later on.

[Rebekah_uk]

My wife fears that she will loose me to this thing we do She thinks that at some point crossdressing will be more important to me than anything else. I have assured her that it won't but I see her point of view as well.

[Confucius]

I think most of us have a crossdressing goal - to be accepted for who we are. We want our wives and SOs to love us and to allow us to crossdress when we feel the need. Ideally we would like our wives and SOs to participate in the activity and enjoy it as much as we do.

At this point you should tell your wife that you believe that you and her need to be able to talk about this. You just want her to try to understand. When you crossdress it makes you happy. You receive sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification and attachment. It is how your brain is hardwired. Your brain releases neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin) which produce these sensations. It is entirely automatic and involuntary.

Most of us do not have goals like winning beauty contests, or becoming a full time transvestite. We just want to be able to crossdress when we feel the need.