When is it time to assert your identity?

[whowhatwhen]

Here's an interesting thing I'm coming up on:
I'm being read female more and more often yet I still don't feel like I'm far enough along to be taken seriously as such.

Either I'm actually starting to pass or random people are becoming more and more nice and accepting.
It's not 100% consistent but it's becoming common enough for me to start seriously thinking about when I should get serious about asserting my identity.

Things like going up to a group of new people and never using my male name, using the correct bathroom and stuff like that.
My thoughts have always been that you have to meet cis people part way to at least have a chance of being taken seriously, is it that time?

Not gonna lie, it's kinda hilarious to see a guy do a doubletake and check where he is if I come out of the mens washroom.
At some point though it's probably going to be unbelievably unsafe, BUT! Have I progressed enough that I won't perv out some woman by going in their washroom?

I'm at a weird state where I want to connect more with others yet I'm unsure about how I will be taken because I'm not 100%.
I've tried trans groups but to be honest aside from being trans there's almost nothing in common. Plus I'm old.

[Jorja]

My opinion, it is when you are comfortable enough with your identity to just be yourself around anyone at anyplace.

[Frances]

I set a date that would coincide with the disappearance of my beard and enough time on HRT. It was also the date agreed upon for my social transition at work, so full-time, full-time. Then it was full-on asserting it in person, on the phone and on the Net.

[whowhatwhen]

That's what I don't get though.
It's happening sooner than I'd expect, especially with a bad voice and some facial shadow remaining.

[Frances]

I started hair removal two years before going full-time.

[whowhatwhen]

I'd say my original facial hair is 90 to 95% gone yet the upper lip is a stubborn *er.
I feel weird in this in-between place though, do I assert myself as a woman before I'm 100% sure of my presentation or do I slog through and make new connections as a male who reads as a weird looking guy?

[Frances]

Everyone goes through an in-between phase. It can take years to be fully comfortable with your presentation. Plus that concept changes over time. I wear so much less make-up now, if at all (and on rare occasions). We don't chose to be trans, but transition is a decision. It's about commitment and drawing a line in the sand.

That said, facial hair had to be invisible for me to make the commitment.

[whowhatwhen]

How did you handle your in-between period?
I'm greatly conflicted here as to what to do, the facial hair will take a bit more time but I can get get read as female despite it.

I don't do anything to hide or mask my physical changes, but I don't highlight them either.

[Jennifer-GWN]

I'm struggling with this myself now. With just start electro (2 sessions and will be trying to maintain 2 a week) it means major binary flips for me. Jennifer fri sat sun then scruffy prep min tue for treatments we'd thurs. I don't like it but it is a must if I want my face clear. I'm not comfortable with in between so dual presence for now. Not easy as I'd gotten used to being me most of the time so step back to move forward.

Cheers Jennifer

[Andy66]

Maybe you should think of doing it on a case by case basis, when you feel comfortable.

I had this discussion with a young transman the other day. He decided that when he has his drivers license corrected, thats it. If the government considers you that sex, nobody else can say different.

[PretzelGirl]

Corinne, my opinion is that there isn't going to be a perfect time. You will need to pick a day and pull the trigger. I don't think you can just wait for the perfect day that every sees you as you feel. Too much timing. So what works for you with everything else in your life? Find that time and don't tread the line. Jump on over. It will be a lot easier to manage.

[whowhatwhen]

That's the thing though, I've been doing this as a "soft, organic" kind of transition with no hard set date.
My thought was that there was no point in doing any legal or major social changes unless I was consistently being read as female.

What I have now is a grey area where I'm starting to approach 50 to 60%.
I have a need to get out and make new connections but I'm conflicted in which direction to go.

a) Use female name, start going to the proper washroom/ect
b) Use male name but have to make that social transition later

I don't like option b but option a is hard because I don't feel as if I pass well enough to meet the cis population at large half-way.
There is this need to be seen as myself yet I have to be realistic about how I'll be read.

[Frances]

I know plenty of trans women who will never pass fully. There still transitioned socially and assert themselves. Any trans person has to be ready for that eventuality as well.

The soft transition is the feminization part. That's the in-between phase where people give you funny looks because they can't pinpoint your gender. It's directed at you.

The social transition is the other way around. Your are claiming your identity and asserting it to the world. It's directed at others. That is usually associated to date or specific time.

[whowhatwhen]

I'm gonna be honest, it's all a bit scary.
I don't have a previous social circle, I have to create a brand new one and this 50% gray area makes me feel more anxious than any "real" transition related things.

[Frances]

Four years post-op, I am still trying to create a social circle.

In all honesty, it comes down to intensity and commitment.

[whowhatwhen]

Does it get easier when you're full time?
I have no problem being myself at lgbt groups but aside from being lgbt there is nothing in common.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It all comes down to intensity and commitment just like Frances says.

All these things in your mind are just thoughts. Anxiety is there too.

Plans changes, events conspire to make things easy or hard....if you haven't set a future specific date, why not? If you are transitioning what is stopping you from right now? Have you changed your name? that's a big moment too. Life aint easy for a boy named sue

[Frances]

The only thing that gets easier is that I don't think about my gender from morning until night. Transition solves pretty much only that. Everything else can still remain a struggle, and comes along with you like baggage. If getting rig of the white noise in the background is not enough, then you (in the general sense) should rethink this or set new expectations.

I transitioned socially May 5th 2009 and had SRS February 21st 2011. Since then, I have met tons of trans people. I cannot tell you how many expected big changes post-transtion other than changing their sex. And many have fallen into depression. Most get out of it, but it's a long process. That's why people like Kathryn and I keep hammering the point that it does not really start with HRT but rather with SRS. Once the hair is gone, the identity has been changed and the giney acquired... now what?

The transition process is all consuming, and when it's over, there is large vacuum.

[PretzelGirl]

I think that until you make a commitment and flip the switch, you will never know how you will do socially. Part of transition is social transition. What I am finding, and suspected before hand, is that once I changed my name and went full-time, the social part is an ever evolving thing. I had ladies that took me right in. But I wasn't totally in my comfort zone. They sure made it easier, but 53 years of suppression does have its affects.

Like Frances says, some never pass. You have to accept yourself and the rest will come easier. If you are treading the gray area, it will never feel comfortable.



Life aint easy for a boy named sue

Experience says.... no it isn't! :D

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion no two transitions are the same. There are so many things to consider.

One is to understand your fears and the threats to your well being.

This is partly determined by who you are "As an individual"

Some people are better at confrontation than others so they can take risks from the confidence of knowing they will survive them. They are comfortable with conflict and confrontation and may even thrive on it.

I hate confrontation and avoid fighting at all costs. I'm extremely sensitive to people being angry at me or yelling at me and will run in the other direction. Being this way I had to "fit transitioning" into "my nature and temperament"

As an example I avoid public restrooms unless they are "single occupancy" and I have been like this long before I started transitioning because of extreme self consciousness concerning my body. Standing at a urinal with someone next to me triggered a massive gender dysphoria anxiety attack. "Mens rooms" have been a problem for me since grade school as to "GD so I avoided "Mens rooms" just like I avoided everything else that came with a label saying "men", including gender roles.

If you do not experience anxiety using public restrooms and do not fear confrontation you have flexibilty in "how you publically transition" as to "bathrooms". Look at the unique expression of your own GD because understanding how it manifests in you as an "individual" will help you decide how to adapt and transition.

In my opinion gender dysphoria is strongly affected by temperament and personality as to those strengths and weaknesses each individual has. Knowing yourself "as to who you are as an individual" so what you can "take or not take" will go a long way in deciding how you can transition including how you "assert your identity"

I'm amazed by those who can work at a large company and transition at work. I took a year off from work and than changed jobs and did a lateral career change in a completely different part of the city along with moving into a new house, dragging my roommates with me for support and security.

I'm not an assertive person, never have been and never will be. If someone misgenders me I look for ways to avoid them "if I think it is intentional" I watch for cruelty, hate and go around it. When alone, if I even remotely sense the potential for violence I'm gone in an instant. This is who I am as an individual so how I have learned to adapt to a world that is hate filled and violent.

I have known a number of Tgirls who have no problem fighting or getting up in your face. For them transitioning is a completely different experience because of who they are "as individuals", not as women.

One of the most significant dangers of being "in-between" is sexual interest from a "heterosexual homophobic male".

Of all my fears (and there were many) this was at the very top of my list and those few times when I had a brush with violence but was fortunate enough to escape it, it came from that direction.

Being "in-between" comes with dangers unique to being "in-between"

In my opinion it is not a safe place to be even though it is always dangerous to be a woman and one of the reasons I fought so hard against transitioning, extending the sickness that comes out of misalignment. Always living between a rock and a hard place.

Sex makes the world a dangerous place for women and you have to be very clever in learning how to navigate it. I hope I'm clever enough.

[Michelle789]

In certain ways I assert my identity, in certain ways I don't. I am actually not a very assertive person myself. I hate conflicts and confrontations. I fear both the physical reprecussions of a fight, as well as the emotional fallout of a verbal argument. I prefer to keep peace at all costs. I don't confront or argue with people, and I sadly allow myself to be walked on frequently as a consequence.

I am transitioning in a small company, in fact there are only 4 employees. 1 man, the owner, who is full-time, and three women, myself included, who are all part-time workers. I actually work from home most often these days, and even when I do report to the office, there is never a public restroom issue, because there is only one toilet, and it is a single-stall toilet in a home style bathroom. The office looks more like a two bedroom apartment than an office. My boss has been incredibly flexible with me and I don't have fixed hours, we mutually agree on what hours I am going to work, although it's generally during normal business hours. I occasionally will work at night so I can have the daytime hours to do something else.

Before I transitioned, I hated using the men's room. I got the same GD anxiety attack when I was standing in a urinal and 1 or more males were present, and I couldn't go when anyone else was present. Once everyone left and I was all by myself that is when I was able to go.

When I first started my transition, I presented as a woman, so I was essentially starting off in an in between state. I was fearful of using the women's restroom in fear of a confrontation and getting into trouble. I had gone out on many occasions and I would hold it and avoid going to the bathroom until I got home. I felt quite miserable because it is so uncomfortable to hold it for a long time.

One night, I was out at fellowship at my TG support group, and I really had to go. When I tried opening the door to the women's room, the door was locked and I was scared to ask anyone for the code. Finally, the janitor, a Mexican male, came out of the men's room, and opened the door to the women's room for me. I felt like, wow, I passed. Or at least, he read me as trans and was polite enough to let me in the ladies room. That night was a HUGE confidence booster. Ever since then my fear of using the women's room started to fade. Two months later, I started dating a trans man, and started spending a lot of time with him. He encouraged me to use the women's room, telling me that everything is going to be okay. Once he and I were at Panera Bread, and the door to the women's room was locked. The woman who works there took a key and opened up the door to the ladies room, without me even having to tell her "women's room", she just knew. Cody was with me.

I used the women's room enough times, with Cody waiting outside. Of course, he doesn't actually go in with me, he can't, he passes as male. But he encouraged me each and every time to use the women's room. He waited outside each time, and each time everything went fine. I now use the public woman's room regularly, whenever I need to go. Some of them are small, single or 2 to 3 stall rooms, and others are gigantic rooms in movie theaters that have 30+ stalls, with large groups of women in the room. I have never got a stare or had any issues. I have even walked in as another woman is walking out, and they held the door for me. I would do the same when I walk out and another woman is walking in. Whether it is because I pass so well, or because people are very accepting and/or polite in L.A., or a combination of both.

My own personal experience has taught me that the worst treatment I have received, sadly, is from within the trans community. I have had many transwomen say or do rude or mean things to me, including a major betrayal by someone who I thought was a friend, who goes to church with me, last week. That is another long story, but actually it was two people: her and her partner, who are both trans, one is a genderqueer.

I don't get misgendered very often. I generally get gendered correctly most of the time when I am gendered, although I will frequently get addressed as neither ma'am nor sir, but I don't get mis-gendered very often. For months, when I would get mis-gendered, I would just take it. Then in October, one day I was called "sir" at a checkout line in Target. I immediately felt compelled to tell her "that's ma'am" and she corrected herself and said "sorry ma'am" and called me ma'am from that point onward. I have had a few instances of people who mis-gendered me and then immediately they corrected themselves on their own, without me having to say anything. I once corrected a guy who called me "sir" and I told him that it's "ma'am". He gave me a weird look, and said in a smart alec way, "oh you go by ma'am." He clearly seemed like he was trying to be rude.

With my friends, most of them are gendering me properly by now. When they misgender me, sometimes I will step in and correct them, and other times I won't. I think it just depends on my mood and how much I can't stand being mis-gendered any more.

I am not a very assertive person. I like peace and not conflict. I will sometimes assert myself verbally, and other times I won't. However, I know I am a woman, and I use the woman's room proudly, and I wear my femininity on my sleeve. I also wear love on my sleeve too.

So do I assert my identity? Yes, I do. Verbally, I might not say anything if someone calls me "sir", but otherwise I do assert myself. And my experience has been mostly wonderful out here.

[whowhatwhen]

Plans changes, events conspire to make things easy or hard....if you haven't set a future specific date, why not? If you are transitioning what is stopping you from right now? Have you changed your name? that's a big moment too. Life aint easy for a boy named sue

I went into this saying that I was going to be realistic and honest with myself about what I can expect from other people.
Basically I thought that it was asking too much of society at large to take me seriously if I still had lots of facial hair, a non passing voice and 50/50 appearance.

I can't afford any big cosmetic procedures, all I have is literally HRT plus time.
Sure, I can ask people to call me <female name> use female pronouns but if I have stubborn stubble then I can't ask people to take me seriously.
That's why I went with a soft transition where I do things as they are needed while the physical changes happen.

The fact that I'm getting read as female more often has stepped things up a bit, I figured It'd need at least another 6 months to get read as female this often.
Now is the time to think about namechanges and stuff which is why I posted the thread.


The only thing that gets easier is that I don't think about my gender from morning until night. Transition solves pretty much only that. Everything else can still remain a struggle, and comes along with you like baggage. If getting rig of the white noise in the background is not enough, then you (in the general sense) should rethink this or set new expectations.


Actually I haven't really had the same internal identity struggles I had before starting HRT and moving along the path.
It's not a huge thing in my mind, I'm taking my HRT meds and moving forward at a pace I'm comfortable with and so far it's been dynamite!
:)



I transitioned socially May 5th 2009 and had SRS February 21st 2011. Since then, I have met tons of trans people. I cannot tell you how many expected big changes post-transtion other than changing their sex. And many have fallen into depression. Most get out of it, but it's a long process. That's why people like Kathryn and I keep hammering the point that it does not really start with HRT but rather with SRS. Once the hair is gone, the identity has been changed and the giney acquired... now what?

The transition process is all consuming, and when it's over, there is large vacuum.

I went into this with the attitude of not expecting anything to be done for me, I got lucky with the physical changes but the rest of where I am is because I put work into my wellbeing.
I see SRS as being a corrective surgery, I know it's not going to magically pop me into a life I missed out on.

[Inna]

Why do you need the social circle? I suppose some do find solitary a bit confining, however, one can not create social circle by their own strive, such will be forced and fake. Friends will come, give it time.
And if for now LGBT is the only place of commonness and similarity then be it.

As to making strides to feel comfort in daily interactions with public at large, well, they don't call this Gender Dysphoria for nothin'...LOL

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think anyone is absolutely comfortable one day to live a genuine, woman's life at once, but it is a continuation of small steps forward pushing the boundary further and further.

I still remember days of euphoria when everyone had seen me for whom I truly was. Then days when, out of the blue and quite innocently, someone called me out on a bluff, the tears I have cried...the suicidal thoughts, despair, and agony.

Such is this path, through hell she walks, burnt, twisted, beat and scorned and yet she walks on to arrive within lightness of an angel, beautiful woman!

[whowhatwhen]

Fine wisdom from the forum sage :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So to me that sounds like you are being thoughtful and careful. That's excellent. It doesn't mean its easy or that things will not go wrong, but it seems to me you are gonna be fine. Step by step worked for me. I have said many times that I looked back and I realized that I had basically transitioned without ever thinking of it that way...electrolysis, money, legal, getting out and about, etc... you can just keep going forward and it will play out for you...in other words, your identity will be asserted by you when you are ready or if life forces it on you

[Zooey]

I'm in a weird place right now where I'm basically full-time in my social life, and I'm out to all the friends I really care to hang out with at all. I also have some excellent new friends who really only know me as Melissa. So, in a lot of ways, I'm definitely asserting my identity at this point. I'm still very much not out to family and work though, and so I too find myself in a slightly uncomfortable in-between place, albeit a very different one.

I only relate my situation here to agree with Inna that there is absolutely a continuum of asserting your identity, and I certainly don't see any problem with moving smoothly along it. Ripping off the band-aid, so to speak, isn't strictly necessary.