Thinking or planning ahead

[sarahcsc]

Dear all,

I remembered sitting in a hot classroom 15 years ago while my biology teacher scribbled the inner workings of the human body on the white board. Not only did he introduced me to the concept of reproductive organs and hormones, he also implanted an "idea" that would later change my life forever. He made me realize that I could change my physical appearance with hormones which has since formed the basis of many of my fantasies. He was a great teacher and mentor who cultivated my interest in biology and I respected him greatly, and I loved him dearly.

One morning, I approached him after breakfast to talk about my experience of helping the blind. I could barely contain my excitement because for the first time, I realized that my troubles seemed distant while helping others. He suggested without thinking twice, for me to be a doctor. But he warned me, "...but you have to start planning now. Remember to always think ahead."

I think I would have made him proud 15 years later if he knew I followed his advise of "thinking ahead". With a bit of luck and the support of family and friends, my plans were eventually realized and my dreams slowly transitioned into reality. I know now, as I knew then, that he was wise to advise me so. Amongst my other mantras besides thinking ahead, I also believed that a person achieve whatsoever they so desired, if they were willing to sacrifice time and effort.

I have stayed true to my path all these years with the exception of a couple of detours along the way, and I remain true to my path now.

However, that "idea" never truly disappeared, and like an insidious retrovirus, it laid dormant all these years while it gradually infected every recess and corner of my mind. For the longest time, I have kept that "idea" suppressed by relegating it to the realm of fantasy. There was great incentive to suppress it knowing this "idea" could potentially mess up my master plan and in return let myself and everybody including my beloved teacher down. My fears were to hear him say to me "Why were you so reckless? Haven't you thought ahead of things?".

I pride myself with my capacity for foresight and my ability to be disciplined in pursuit of my dreams. Planning provides me with a sense of security and safety which are the very things I need to survive in this seemingly dangerous and unpredictable world. Yet, following a nasty breakup 3 years ago, I stood naked in front of a mirror completely defeated. I realized I have failed to plan for this little "idea" which have suddenly resurfaced with a vengeance.

But plan? How do I plan for this!? Every conceivable plan which incorporates this "idea" only leads to more hardships and uncertainties. And the further I thought ahead, the more I became paralyzed with fear, rendering me utterly baffled and frustrated. But as the days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, so did the frustration turned into desperation, and desperation into despair.

I realized my only way out was to stop planning so far ahead, and take things one day at a time. This simple change in focus allowed me the courage to down my first HRT pill. But the habit of planning or thinking ahead is difficult to kick which means I still tremble sometimes before taking my pills.

Now I have read many threads here, some written by very wise members at various stages of their lives and transitioning process, most of them would recommend "planning or thinking ahead" before making permanent changes to one's body. Questions like "would you transition if you knew you couldn't pass?" or "can you see yourself as an old lady or old man?" are good examples of planning and thinking ahead.

Some of you would consider me remiss when I say that I haven't planned on how to come out to my family/friends/colleagues, I haven't planned on my change in wardrobe, I haven't planned on living full time as a woman, I haven't planned on answering some of the difficult questions people might ask me, I haven't planned for the potential anger and alienation which I might incur, I don't even have a backup plan if things backfire!

I don't plan... because any planning only leads to fear and inaction. I am sick of watching my life flow by in a river while I stand watching helplessly by the riverbank, too afraid to step into the water fearing where the river might lead to.

Don't you think, that sometimes, under certain contexts, that planning can indeed be counterproductive?

Am I doing something wrong here? If yes, why does it feel so right? *grabs head*

Love,
Sarah

[Jorja]

There is nothing wrong with planning as long as you realize that a plan is nothing more than a road map. It would be very foolish to just jump head long into something without knowing the consequences first. That being said, there is nothing that says you cannot take the scenic route and still follow your plan or take your chances.

[MayaMe]

There is no right way or wrong way to travel your path. I think short term planing can be helpful but to much planning can lead to anxiety and fear. Which leads to not doing anything. You need to find a balance that works for you. Just as I still need to find what works for me. As they say the longest journey begins with the first step.

[arbon]

I went into transition in crisis, there was no real plan or thinking it out very well. It was a little rough but I'm still here :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Gosh I see a lot of similarities to me...

I am a planner and long term thinker...I relegated my femaleness to the realm of silly fantasy. I tortured myself with doubts...

Here's what happened for me... none of that mattered...I jumped in. I realized as I jumped that I had been quietly planning much more than I thought in my head..all the reading, all the "fantasizing", all the going out and meeting people was part of the planning...

Perhaps you have been planning more than you think. Or perhaps you are at a point where all the risks and issues outweigh your need...

I didn't know whether I could pass...I had no idea what "living" as a woman entailed..but I jumped anyway because I had to, and yes it felt right. Frankly it "felt right" long before I felt "i had to"....but it took desperation to get my butt in gear and actually do something.

You are in a good frame of mind and have a lot going for you. Keep doing what you are doing and it's likely to work out for you.

[Karen62]

Sarah, I so relate to this experience. I think you and I are not very far apart. I am a also planner, as well as an analyzer, but I'm not necessarily a person who suffers from analysis paralysis, in which nothing ever gets done and analysis becomes the excuse for not doing something. I see in you the same thing. The tendency to want to think things through, to plan for the future, is a compelling one, as this has been clearly and repeatedly demonstrated in your life's past experiences to be beneficial. But Kaitlyn's point also resonates. She acted. Eventually, when we are ready, we must act as well. The act may be to not go forward, or it may be to do so, but we must ultimately make a decision, as there are thousands (millions) of other life decisions waiting to be made after that.

What does your heart tell you? I'm used to using my brain, but my heart has a role to play in choosing my path. So does yours. Listen. What does it say?

My last words: we only get one shot at life. We will make mistakes and have regrets in life, but more often than not, the worst regrets of all are for the things we chose not to do simply out of fear. Live your life to the fullest, my dear. (Am I writing this for you or for me?)

Karen

[Angela Campbell]

I am also a "planner". But sometimes there is that which upsets the plan, or even that which cannot really be planned. I began with a plan. It became obvious that some of this was so fluid that I couldn't plan it. At least not long term. I planned blocks of goals. At each major decision a choice had to be made without knowing the possible outcomes. At that point the "planner" became the "gambler" I guess.

[Suzanne F]

Sarah
I hope you find some peace. For me it is the opposite. My whole life I have always felt like I had no idea as to how I got to that point. My therapist and I were discussing this yesterday. For the first time I feel like I am making decisions and know where I am headed. I don't have all the answers but I am gaining confidence as I have found and enacted solutions. I have asked and received so much help. Although I have a roadmap I agree that it is one day at a time. I can't control other people and don't know what decisions they may make. I hope my wife stays with me but can't know if she eventually will. Anyway, I am sure you will be successful Sarah. Keep moving forward !
Hugs
Suzanne

[kimdl93]

Once there were three frogs on a log. Two planned to jump in the river. So how many frogs were left on the log? Three. Planning is not action. However, having a plan doesn't lead to fear or inaction. Fear and inaction are the product of the lack of a plan. Its awfully hard to act if you haven't thought first about what actions you'll take and how you'll deal with contingencies.

I'm sure your education illustrates this. Each step of the way you have faced intellectual and even physical challenges that deter many from pursuing a career in medicine. Had you failed in calculus or biochemistry, you'd be pursuing another career right now. You may have been confident at the beginning of this 15 year process, but you began it with the knowledge of the prerequisites that you'd have to complete along the way.

Of course, you can't always foresee the whole future. And changing circumstances - internal or external - may alter later stages of your plans. A friend once remarked to me that a business plan became a work of fiction as soon as you began implementation. Patton remarked that a battle plan is forgotten when the first bullet is fired. Its ok to plan ahead, so long as you understand that your plans may have to be adjusted or abandoned.

I find that the decisions I made impulsively - based on emotion and in the moment - have been the decisions I soon regretted. I've missed few opportunities because I took too long considering my options, but I have closed off options by acting in haste. Even today, as I take tentative steps towards living a greater proportion of my life as a woman, I am proceeding cautiously, with a fairly clear vision of the future, but carefully. Based on my life experience, this is the best way to proceed with the minimum of risk. Risks, of course, remain. But they are known and to some degree manageable.

[Eringirl]

Hi Sarah. Thanks for the post. I, like many others here, am a planner as well. In fact, I am currently in the process of planning and information gathering around my own transition as we "speak". I look at it as doing due diligence. However, it is the rare occasion when one has 100% perfect information upon which to base a decision. So, we make educated guesses, look for spots where things could potentially go sideways, and try to mitigate risk as much as we can. However, one can't think of every possible iteration and variance that could take place, so things will come at us sideways. That is when we have to step back, breathe, re-evaluate and form a new course of action. Yes, we can all plan our route along this journey, but there will be times when we hear that nagging voice stating "recalculating". The best we can do is try to maintain control so that we are still controlling the process instead of the process controlling us. But there are times when we have to go with the flow or else we will get dangerously frustrated and act rashly, which is usually not a good thing.

So we can wait and wait for perfect circumstance and perfect information, or we can go ahead with as much as we can be comfortable with - which varies for every person. For me, the choice comes down to, do I want to have a life filled with great memories or regrets.

Erin

[becky77]

Planning and thinking ahead are logical and sensible actions, transitioning isn't exactly logical nor is it sensible (well it's sensible to us).
Our need to transition comes from feelings inside and at some point those feelings just explode and totally wipe out any planning process.
I've said it before it's not a rational process and planning takes rational thinking.

Somehow you just know when it's right for you and at that point sticking to the plan isn't going to work.
I like to be in control and this is really brutal as it opens you up to all sorts of possibilitites you can't control, mainly other peoples feelings.
I think it's fair to say the majority of us bottle this up and raise barriers, when it's time to drop those barriers it's not only really hard but you are totally exposed. It's emotionally draining and a battle to get through but if you don't go with it when the time feels right, the fear may overwhelm you and it may never happen.

So it's good to plan but trust your feelings.

[JocelynJames]

I have no real plans . I'm trying to live in the moment especially when it comes to dressing. Is this for everyone?- nope. There is a lot more I could say but it boils down to this.

[Carlene]

Sarah, I think I understand your premis. Planning would seem to be a responsible action that can only help to provide better results............except when it becomes the barrier in one's way to achieving a goal. Perhaps, planning can become a never ending quest to manage or eliminate all possible hardships or pitfalls, thus preventing one from executing.

As Jorja mentioned, a plan is merely a well thought out road map. A map provides many alternative routes, each allowing the traveller to reach a desired destination. Maps also provide rest stop locations, scenic routes, as well as milestone destinations allowing the journey to end before the original goal, if the trip becomes too difficult.

In a nutshell, I believe that a sound plan can do much to eliminate surprises and serve to help us decide how far we wish to travel. It seems though, that there comes a time when the plan is as complete as we can make it, thereby leaving us with the decision to move forward, or not. Does that make any sense?

[arbon]

The hard part about planning for transition was that I was planning not to transition and keeping my life as a guy going. I was putting all myself into that. There was not contingency plan if that failed, and when it did fail I was not prepared especially financially. In hindsight I wish I had been planning for transition and stashing a lot of money away back when I had it, and working on hair removal, and I would have divorced prior to coming out. But saving money and hair removal, if anyone even thinks there is the slightest chance they may someday transition they should be doing those two things now!

[Dawn cd]

No matter how much we plan, the future is a mystery to us and will unfold as it will. There's no way we can anticipate all future events. So, while planning is helpful—and helps us to pack a suitcase for the voyage—eventually we just have to step off into the darkness.

[MsVal]

Planning is something many of us do/did professionally. Given a required outcome, time, budget, constraints, and assumptions, we mapped out a plan that accommodated the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. Then we executed that plan, managing it from inception to completion.

We got to spend millions of other people's dollars. It's not the same when it's our own.

We may apply the same formulas and follow the same disciplines, but it's very hard to be fully objective. This is particularly true when it comes to losses that cannot be recovered: relationships, reputation, health, career... How can one objectively assign a risk/reward value to any of those or compare that value to the value of another?

Ultimately it comes down to something I heard years ago in a seminar: "As managers, you will be called on to make decisions based on incomplete and inaccurate information, but you cannot wait for better information, to wait would be to lose the opportunity."

That's when you put the pencil down, trust your plan, and follow it.

Best wishes
MsVal

[LeaP]

Oh, I like your last question the best…

Planning has been such an interesting theme in my life. I am not natively a planner. Not in any way. When I do make plans, it is often because I can't figure out any other way to get something done, or it's under duress. I have always detested planning in my personal life in particular. Yet there*are*times when I do plan, in detail – and even like it! My ability to plan in exhaustive detail at work is often noted and commented upon. How do I resolve this? How do I understand it?

As with so much else in life, you have to know yourself. The native lack of interest in planning in my personal life comes out of genuine enjoyment of doing things on the spur of the moment. Unfortunately, I sometimes miss out on things because of my lack of planning, but I'm willing to take that hit most of the time in favor of spontaneity. My resistance to lack of personal planning, on the other hand, has a GD element embedded in it, as my issues in making decisions and committing are strongly tied to it.

I have managed to do a lot in my life. I'm not sure if that is so because of my lack of planning or in spite of it. Would I have done more, been more, and I planned more? I really don't know.

For me, planning can be not so much counterproductive as a trigger and destructive. It can feel like it takes something good, engaging, and productive and turns it into drudgery. Immersion turned to execution. Even there, I'm mindful of a GD component, though. That immersion experience has been a way to escape from myself more than enjoyment far too often.

I have been on HRT for 2 1/2 years. The GD-related issues have quieted. (GD remains, but that is another topic.). In the case of planning, well, let's just say I'm still not a native planner! But I don't mind so much anymore. Much of the conflict is gone, so I can engage in planning here and there without it destroying the subsequent experience by turning it into a reactive, psychological firestorm.

I like the references to control and jumping in in the responses. The last first…. In a real sense, I jumped in myself. There is an aspect of moving ahead by faith (in yourself). All the analysis and thinking fails. At some point, perhaps out of desperation if nothing else, you take a step and see what happens. It feels like letting go of control at first. But something happens over time. You start to realize, and feel, that being yourself is a type of control. Oh, you're not trying to control outcomes and scenarios any longer, but suddenly you do feel in control of yourself and your decisions. In my case, that finally allows me a reasonable balance of my control needs and planning needs. I should still plan more. Oh well – that's not likely to change. But it is not the issue it once was, either.

All of this was arrived at after-the-fact. There is no way on God's good earth that I could have figured it out in advance and simply plotted my way through it. There is no substitution for the path and the process.

(+1 on the comments about financial planning for things like hair removal and procedures. There's no getting around that one…)

[Jorja]

@sarah - I would be interested to know, what you think life will be like for you after transition?

[Bria]

I have a couple of simple ideas to throw out.

Once a friend of mine told me that there comes a time to shoot the engineer (planner) and go into production. That ties into Ms Val's comment that there is a point in time to make a decision, it must be done with the information that is available at the time even if that information is not complete.

I also like the roadmap idea, You can see the starting point and the destination. In between are a variety of possible routes, and it it possible to make changes during the trip, you just keep heading toward the destination.

I wish you good luck on your journey, I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Angela Campbell]

@sarah - I would be interested to know, what you think life will be like for you after transition?


This is a really great question, because no matter the answer it will be so far from what it will actually be like.......

[sarahcsc]

@sarah - I would be interested to know, what you think life will be like for you after transition?

Oh fantasies...

Thank you for the question Jorja. :)

It really depends on what you mean by "transition". Does it mean living as a full time woman with a change of official identity? Does it have to involve surgical reassignment? Or does it mean taking HRT permanently without surgical reassignment and continue to present as a very feminine looking male?

The word "transition" gets thrown around pretty often here but where exactly does the buck stop?

If most people would agree that taking HRT and planning for facial surgery is "in transition", then I suppose I am currently in that stage.

Much of the fear of anticipation dissipates when I am actually DOING it. In fact, it feels right. People notice me and treat me a little differently, I've been called "sister" by some of my friends, and colleagues have commented on my looks (often with a tinge of surprise and disbelief), some of them were even positively jealous of me!

I... like that. Nothing makes my day more than being called "sister". :)

But that never crossed my mind when I was younger, at least not consciously.

I used to believe that the occasional crossdressing was all I needed and that was where the buck stopped. Life was good back then! Well... if you overlook the constant anxiety of being discovered. I was perceived as a filial son, a desirable male, a trustworthy and responsible partner. The plan then would be simple: "I shall dress in the shadows and bring my secret to the grave".

But that wasn't meant to be because the crossdressing became more time consuming, more sophisticated, and more entrenched... until one night I found myself in awe and disbelief as I gazed into the mirror only to find a female stranger looking back at me. I knew then as I know now, that that was NOT the end.

I could only foresee as far as where I think the finish line is. And like I have said in my previous posts: I wished I was born with crystal clear insight about who I am and who I ought to be in this life, even if it means being of the opposite sex.

But alas, that has changed numerous times over the course of my relatively short life which has left me confused and disorientated.

If I were to liken transitioning to being lost in a desert, then I must say I have been walking with my head down most of time. That is because I expect myself to see an oasis when I look up except there isn't one. And even if there is one, it often turns out to be nothing but a mirage. So instead of looking at where I'm going, I just focus on putting one foot ahead of the other.

So how will life look like after transition? Hah! I'll let you know when I arrive.

I certainly don't want to be presumptuous in assuming that life would be much "happier" or "sadder" or "more authentic" because I would be too arrogant to think that I know best. Life is full of mystery but that same mystery could both enchant and scare the living daylights out of me.

But no matter the outcome, I am confident that I will be able to cope (with the help of family and friends of course).

And as far as planning goes: "I shall plan to plan when the need arise".

Lol. How does that sound? ;) Am I living too precariously? Ugh... Maybe.

But until I know where I'm going, planning ahead is just not possible...

Love,
Sarah

ps: Angela, Bria, LeaP, MsVal, dawnCD, Arbon, Carlene, Jocelyn, Becky, Erin, Kim, Suzanne, Karen, Kaitlyn and mayame, I have read each and every word from you. Thank you. I shall take your advise into consideration. :)

[KellyJameson]

In another thread Lea said this

" So an important part of my self realization was discovering and freeing a core that I identify not as "woman," but as female. More and more, I gravitate to the view that the essence of transsexuality is not gender per se, but sex self perception. Gender is a secondary way of looking at it.

I can find that female essence instantly in my earliest memories. Fortunately or not, I am blessed with extraordinarily early memories"



Gender is an abstract idea of identity but "female" is to the body and emotions as being one and the same thing. It is the "knowing" at the center of yourself that you are female because you were born as such and the evidence is woven throughout your life if you understand "what you are looking at".

Like Lea I had this in the first years of life until it was violently ripped from me. I never lost it because it remains with you but you consciously detach from it like a rape victim blacks out the memory of the attack.

To transition without fear I had to get back to this place. Until I remembered (felt) the emotional memory of myself as female my transitioning was done out of a un-understood compulsion. In a sense I had to re-experience the rape (trauma) of losing myself by working through everything standing in the way (shame, guilt, fear, societal conditioning, religion, ect..)

Nothing would have stopped transitioning because I have been trying to get back to myself since childhood so my whole life could be said to be one long "unplanned transition" back to the beginning that was driven by a subconscious compulsion making for very erratic,irrational and unpredictable behavior as I fought against it.

I was searching for healing just as the rape victim does but to afraid to do what was necessary "to heal" consciously so my subconscious took over because you cannot stay in pain without the mind looking for some way to escape it.

The fear completely changes when you get back to the true and natural self. Having that knowing changes the texture of the fear because now the fears are about practical maters without the "doubts" that come from not "feeling your femaleness" that you started life out with and has been with you all along and also making you suffer because this energy (felt sex self perception) is locked up and has no way of being lived or expressed. (it stays abstract so mentally torments you because it exists but does'nt) which I call being haunted.

It is a paradox in that transitioning is much more difficult to do, "to the degree you harbor doubts about being female" from not "feeling your femaleness" , but to be able to go back to the beginning and rediscover that "knowing" you must be in the world as a woman.

It is a type of "reality testing" to verify what you knew as a child and on some level have sensed all along "was and is correct". I kept having very intense physical epiphanies like pressure was being released from inside my skull as I moved forward into understanding.

Planning is a rational action done while experiencing the trauma of being violently removed from yourself by your body and all of the consequences that came out of this.

In my opinion a very large part of the trauma is healed by getting to that place Lea made it to. It completely changes the experience of fear, relaxing the mind to now be in a better position to make plans.

For myself it was also the most difficult thing to achieve out of all of this. Compared to that everything else has been easy.

My mind fought me every step of the way. I absolutely did not want to remember that I was female and equally important what was done to her by the world and worse by me.

I lived between sorrow and rage for weeks during that time.

I now see that my "sex" (energy) is "female" and this created my "gender identity"

This was that "knowing" that I always had as a child and in hindsight never "lost"

[PretzelGirl]

I am another serial planner. It is my pacifier in ways. When I want to get somewhere, I plan it and jump right into execution. Last March, my therapist wanted me to write a transition plan. After I wrote it, we broke down my fears in that plan and how I would handle or react to them. After that exercise, I knew it was right. So I looked at the plan, changed the work start date from Christmas time to early October, and I executed it. I absolutely was prepared to alter plans as time passed, but I pretty much didn't. My plan included telling family early on so they had time to adapt and catch up with me. Close friends were somewhat early too. Yes, I was staring at that full-time date and wanting to be there right away. Sometimes it does take a level of discipline. Six and a half months and I was done, pretty standard for me as I like to get it over with if the "it" isn't something you should enjoy the process on.

So I believe that planning helps some of us feel like we are in control of the events (control is an illusion). It was also a great way for me to feel like I wasn't missing anything important, especially when it came to others.

[Kate T]

Yes I do plan. And I do think it is a good idea.

Planning is about anticipating outcomes of actions and taking actions to either increase the likelihood of desirable outcomes or minimise the impact of undesirable outcomes.

Planning is always scary. There is always the possibility that an undesirable outcome could occur. You cannot "plan" other peoples actions or responses. That is what makes life so interesting.

Personally I find that once you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and no longer fear saying "I CHOSE this action" then the fear of the outcome of those actions dissipates. If the result of that action is undesirable then you take responsibility for that outcome in as much as you have influenced it, and if necessary plan further actions to try and minimise the undesired outcome all the while remembering that you can only do what you believe to be best.