That knowing look

[AccidentalDresser]

Went to an Australia Dat BBQ at a friends place today where my fiancé was also present and a group of our mutual friends.
It wasn't long before I started noticing the girls standing in a group whispering and glancing at me sideways then having a little giggle.

One of them finally broke away from the group and came to talk to me and asked how I was holding up. As she asked she ran her hand all over my back and shoulders and down to my waist like she was feeling for something. I had barely finished saying I was ok and she broke away from me saying she was glad I was ok but I noticed her shaking her head as she walked back to the group.

I think my X Fiancé has been telling her friends about everything. The rest of the day was pretty uncomfortable after that with only a few of the guys talking to me about work and very general small talk.

Anyone else ever get the feeling someone has been spilling the beans to the general population?

[charlenesomeone]

From your post it seems that she was checking to see what you may have had on under clothes.
Not sure unless she does that with all the people there. It would appear your instincts are correct. Perhaps a
talk with your fiancé is in order.
Good luck

[Danitgirl1]

Fwiw, and I know neither you, nor your fiancee, and going purely on what I have read here, :2c: it sounds like you are in a toxic relationship.
She is undermining you to your face and has started to undermine other relationships you have with other people.
This is abuse.
Get out! Leave her alone and make sure she leaves you alone.
This will only get worse.
Good luck, be strong!
:hugs:

[Ressie]

I think my X Fiancé has been telling her friends about everything

This happens. It's happened to me. Women need someone to talk to about stuff. Even if she only told her best friend, word will get around quickly. The good news - not everyone will believe it, and most that do aren't gonna dwell on it for more than a few seconds.

[AccidentalDresser]

Yeah I pretty much figure that the wedding is off and we really need to have "That Talk"
I guess the next step from here is that the girls will tell their partners and husbands and then they will stop talking to me too.

I really didn't want to be finding all new friends at this stage of my life and especially after losing my fiancé as well.

Don't think I have ever felt so frightened and alone as I do right now. At least none of our friends are work colleagues cause that could mean a whole new load of stress I don't need.

[Danitgirl1]

The really bizarre thing is that you like wearing girls clothes. SO WHAT?
There are far more 'interesting' kinks out there. There are far more destructive behaviours out there.
Whether you are a fetishistic crossdresser, a transgendered person, a transexual, or whatever SO WHAT?
This affects you and the person you are sharing bodily fluids with. NO ONE ELSE. So why the societal stigma?
Why are we made to feel such shame?
Why did that women think it was ok to come and humiliate you like that?
You have nothing to fear, if these 'friends' dump you then they were never friends to start with.
Look at this as an opportunity to grow, find your true self and then be true to that self.
And you are not alone! You have this amazing group of people here and I am sure there is a group of crossdressers, TG folk, BDSM afficiandos or whatever near where you live that would welcome you to their fold... Find the right group of people and they will help and support you.
We all have similar fears and experiences.
:hugs:

[AccidentalDresser]

Well you may well be right but it's still possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Not knowing who knows or thinks what and who my real friends are and will be.

First priority though is to clear out the spare room, get the ensuite working in there properly, do some painting and rent it out to help pay the bills. Really not looking forward to sharing the place but really can't afford not to.

Last thing I want is a nosey flat mate or some total jerk so that should be a fun process.

And instead of getting her keys back I am just going to change the locks cause I suddenly feel very unsafe and violated even though no one has been through the house yet.

Such a pain in the backside all this change and fuss.
And really it's all over clothing that is made from the same material that all clothes are made from but just cut differently and with a different sizing label on it

When did life become so complicated?

[Danitgirl1]

Yes, it will be hard, but sometimes the best things that happen to us are hard to go through.

Hang in there...
:hugs:

[Jean 103]

When life gives you lemons make lemonade. This could be a good thing. New roommate and new friends. I won’t bore you with my story. Stay positive you never know what the future holds.

[Ressie]

I wouldn't assume that she told everyone. You don't know for sure and may be blowing this out of proportion. Either way, I would act as if nothing is wrong around these friends. Don't let any negative imagination get out of control.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

...it's all over clothing that is made from the same material that all clothes are made from but just cut differently and with a different sizing label on it....

Except that isn't what it's about, is it? It's the thought that you might be different to them which these small-minded people find somehow threatening. Oooh scary! A man who feels happier wearing women's clothes- quick, let's make him feel weird and then not invite him to our next barbecue- that'll teach him.

The irony is that to us, meaning all the thousands of members of this forum, it's you who is normal, and those silly chumps who need their heads examining.

I have to agree with Dani- people who treat you like that aren't true friends; never were and never will be. But that doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't mean you won't feel wretched about it.

FWIW I think the exploratory grope turned up nothing, and everyone knows an ex is likely to make up all sorts of things just to get back at a guy. They may not even really believe it. If it's what you want, total denial is always an option.

Good luck with finding a roomie, have you thought of advertising for someone 'alternative'? Unless you live in a small community, it's probable that there would be people who would be very pleased to share with a crossdresser.

Hugs- things are bleak right now but they will pass, and you will get over this.

xxNikki

[AnnieMac]

Man, you blew it. You had the perfect funny opportunity. While she was rubbing you back and shoulders, you should have been doing the same thing to her. You would certainly given her something to think about!!
BTW you live anywhere near Sydney? I have been there on business from time to time.

[AccidentalDresser]

Nikki Ideally I would love a goth chick for a flat mate that pays her rent on time and would love to share her wardrobe and makeup but perhaps finding an "alternative" flat mate who would have no problem with me sitting around in tights or a nightie would be good.
Realistically I will probably just have to settle for someone that pays the rent on time and isn't a drug dealer or addict.

I am pretty lucky in the fact that the house I am living in will one day be my own. I am renting off a woman who is the closest thing I have to family since my parents are both passed on and I am the only family she has since her husband passed away. He already left me the house in his will but I thought it wrong since she was still alive and agreed to keep renting from her and she has also promised to pass the house on to me when she goes. She lives in New Zealand now and has other houses here that I look after for her and collect the rent and see tenants in and out of for her etc. I look after all her houses like they are my own and she appreciates the work I do and lives quite happily off the combined rent.
I'm rambling. Sorry.

Annie I am in Western Sydney but don't tell anyone lol

[FeliciaMCD]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

When my wife and I had just started dating she told a family member who she worked with, her cousin. I'm not sure the chain, or what was said, but somehow it made it to her mother. I was freaked out. That situation didn't go too far, and in fact I've pretty much forgotten all the details. But now I do wonder sometimes what they know or if they just forgot about it.

Both my side and my wife's side of the family are conservative. I don't think either would react too well to finding this out and understanding how deep the rabbit hole is for me. I mean, it's not very deep, but knowing my family I don't think they would much appreciate any of it in any capacity. Not saying I would be shunned or anything, but I would definitely get a firm talking to and disappointed looks all around.

[Ellen2d]

I started dressing about 25 years ago. My wife at that time knew and participated in some outings with others in a group setting though I don't think she really approved. Fast forward to 20 years ago we went through a divorce. Nothing in that divorce had anything to do with my dressing and we were somewhat amicable after. That was until 4 years after the divorce. Suddenly my children cut me off from their lives. I've not seen the 2 youngest since 99 and the oldest only a couple of times, the last about 8 years ago. I don't know if my ex decided to use my dressing against me but it's about the only thing I can think of. I've tried repeatedly over the years to communicate with them, even showing up unexpectedly only to be rejected. I've given up on any chance of reconciliation and have moved on with my life. I can't change what I don't know needs changing.

[Mariana]

I didn't exactly deal with other people knowing (not that I'm aware of) but since I've told my girlfriend some months ago I've been thinking a lot about other people's acceptance. No one but her saw me dressed, but shaved legs and other possible small hints were enough to scare me to face some people.

Having read this forum and talking to other cd/ts, I have learned that the way you deal with other people's reactions can be important. If they confront you about this, you don't need to feel ashamed. Like you've said, it's just clothes, not a crime. So keep your heads up, and if some question affects your privacy, just ask them back about their privacy.

Out of all your friends, at least some may be more open minded, right? So for those who are at least willing to listen to you, it may be a good opportunity to show them this is not a big deal. Not fitting some pattern does not make you worse when you're not affecting anyone. And for those who consider this something so terrible to the point of not talking to you anymore....do you really need them? Do you really want to be friends with people that only will talk to you if you express yourself in the way they want?

Another thing I've learned in the past months is that sometimes we are too scared with others reactions not because they will really affect your lives, sometimes it has more to do with self-acceptance, with not being "ok" about who we are. So, take it easy and don't blow things out of proportion unless it really affects your life.

[Roli F]

When life gives you lemons make lemonade. This could be a good thing. New roommate and new friends. I won’t bore you with my story. Stay positive you never know what the future holds.

freeze the lemons and throw them at people you don't like lol

[Stephanie47]

As others have commented the cat is out of the bag. A secret is best kept between one person, not two. I know that concept is contrary to all the advise that comes forth in the forum, but, the question is whether the secret can be kept between two people. I don't know if you asked your fiance to keep your cross dressing a secret, but, apparently she has spilled the beans. Posters always comment keeping this a secret is an issue of trust, lying by omission, etc. However, violating trust can be a two way street. If your fiance has a problem with cross dressing, then ditch her. Hopefully you can recover from her violation of trust. I know a woman in a deeply committed relationship sometimes needs to have another person to talk things out with. This entire issue of trust and deceit is not such an easy issue to address. Good luck!

[Vickie_CDTV]

I wonder how that same woman would have felt if you had come up to her and started feeling all over her back and shoulders; I suspect she would have slapped you, or worse. Why she felt it was ok to come up and grope a stranger I have no idea.

If they have a problem with you dressing, you might want to tell them it was your fiancee's idea for you to dress up in the first place... so she is as big a "weirdo" as you are.

[AccidentalDresser]

Vickie she wasn't a stranger at all she was a mutual friend with the emphasis on "WAS"
Now she is just one of the gaggling geese that seem to have nothing better to do than gossip about the possible reasons my relationship went south.

Unfortunately it has gone further already. I would usually call a friend of mine on the way home from work and drop round at their place on the way home.
It seems he and his wife don't think it's a good idea that I drop in anymore he said quote
"You know cause we have the kids here and we just don't think it's a great idea"
He could not explain that remark nor would he elaborate on his reasoning.

Last night I was sad and scared but tonight I am just angry as hell and giving strong consideration to Roli's idea but I wouldn't waste good lemons on people who clearly are not worth the effort.
I hope both their sons grow up to enjoy cross dressing and their daughter wishes to become a man.

People are so stupid and easily led by pier pressure and closed mindedness.

I refused the urge to drink and instead started fixing the spare room bathroom. Now I am still mad as hell but too worn out to act on it.

[Marcelle]

Hi there,

I am a bit confused in that at the beginning of your post you referred to her as your "fiancé" an then you "X fiancé" and calling off the wedding. Is this the same person or two separate people? If it is the same person did you discuss with her your concerns that she may have "told others about you" and if so "why"? The reason I ask is that you talk later about calling the wedding off which implies you were quite serious about this girl. Did she give you cause to believe she would tell others about you or are you assuming she is the one that told the other women. If she admits doing so because she really doesn't want to be around you anymore and this was her way to get back at you then that is one thing. If she accidently let it slip or confirmed with a confident but is still in love with you and that person spilled the beans . . . just saying you may be letting a jewel go based on assumptions that she told everyone.

IMHO, have a serious talk with her and lay all your cards on the table . . . Did she tell? If so was it being facetious or accidental? Does she still want a relationship? Then make your decision about the relationship. If it turns out she told a close friend who told everyone then yes she should not have said anything if that is what you agreed to but then again, this is a big and difficult secret to carry around and we can't fault our SOs for wanting to have a confident. If it turns out it is what you feared (she is just being mean), then I recommend you get out front of the information as quickly as possible. Determine from your fiancé who knows and go talk to them, ask them if they have any questions and educate rather then leave them with various stereotypical assumptions. From those people find out who they told and continue until you have touched base with as many as you can. If the circle is small, it may simmer but it will be controllable. If the circle is wide . . . well, it will not be easy but you might find that most don't care and those who stick around are true friends and those who leave were not.

Hugs

Isha

[AccidentalDresser]

Isha.
The condensed version is that she (my fiancé) actually started my dressing then grew tired of it but rather than try to work things out she moved out and contact with her since has been sketchy at best.
I am guessing she is my X fiancé because she isn't giving me much else to go on.
We haven't talked about it because she seems unwilling or "Too busy" to do so.
You can usually tell when a relationship is over and believe me when I tell you there are no signs of life in mine

[Marcelle]

AD,

Then I stick by my last recommendation. If you feel the information is out, you really should get out in front of it and try to do as much damage control as possible. If your ex won't let you know who else knows, I would start with the mutual friend at the BBQ and go from there.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[AccidentalDresser]

Isha I really don't think I could be bothered finding out who knows or thinks what. I am sure it will become obvious to me in the coming weeks anway.

I am sad that people are reacting the way they are but I am not going crawling to any of our friends for acceptance. They all know where I live when they need a favour or to borrow tools etc so let's see if they remember my address and my friendship when someone is spreading gossip that they don't even know is true or not.
Of course it is possible she has shown photos that I was happy to pose for when things were amicable between us but there is still no reason to treat me like I have Ebola and might infect the kids.
Sometimes I think going into damage control can look like an admission of guilt to others when I have nothing to feel sorry or guilty about.

[MsVal]

I'm going to give you another way to handle the lemons, AD.

You believe something significant has happened and it affects your relationship with others. You did not cause this to happen, but it did, and now people are beginning to react to it. What should you do?

At a management seminar many years ago I learned these three tips for handling unexpected, unplanned events (good or bad).

1. Own it. Don't hide from it; don't wait for someone else to own it; make it yours. Define what "it" is before someone else comes up with a definition that is unfavorable.
2. Get in front of it. This is your opportunity. Become the local expert in "it'. Develop a plan for dealing with "it". Don't let anyone else take "it" away from you.
3. Manage it. You've taken ownership, defined it, and developed a plan, now execute your plan and take credit for your accomplishment.

Best wishes
MsVal

[pamela7]

going back to the initial post, it does not sound as if any of the people there were being mature or particularly friend-like in their actions. Perhaps they were drunk?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

A Goth chick for a flatmate- I'd be so screamingly jealous of her that that definitely wouldn't work for me. Plus she'd get sick of me wearing her clothes.

I am pleased that you've turned the feelings into anger- you have every right to be angry at these miserable people.

Sydney?? Surely you can find someone who lets it all hang out, but still pays the rent on time? Better chance there than anywhere else in Oz I'd think.

Good on ya- join a rifle range, take up parachuting- anything loud and dangerous.

[Tracii G]

If I were in your situation as far as her telling others I would handle like this:
If a guy says something like my wife told me (insert comment here) say " huh what? Thats crazy why would I do that?
If a girl friend of your ex's mentions something say "first I have heard about it" and pass it off as if it was nothing.
This way she looks like she is lying trying to get back at you and sounds like bitch for saying such things.
By acting likes its nothing or just plain silly most friends will think she is just trying to start trouble.

[Marcelle]

Isha I really don't think I could be bothered finding out who knows or thinks what . . . Sometimes I think going into damage control can look like an admission of guilt to others when I have nothing to feel sorry or guilty about.

AD,

Don't get me wrong, if you don't care what others think then you are ahead of the curve. I recommended damage control because your OP read like you were going to loose friends and this seemed to bother you. However when I say damage control, I mean educate your friends that you are the same person . . . just the presentation changes.

Hugs

Isha

[AccidentalDresser]

Ok so from what I have gathered from your last posts it should go a little like this.
Friend: "My wife and I heard blah blah blah"
Me: "Is that so? Well did you also know I do a cracking version of Dueling Banjos on the Ukulele while piloting my Alien Space Craft over Parliament House on Wednesdays"
Friend: "Well um......I mean"
Me: "Here get comfy in these tights and wear this blouse with it, the blue should really bring out the color of your eyes"
Friend: (long awkward silence)
Me: "Well thanks for stopping in, sorry you can't stay but I really have to get back to painting the roses red before the queen gets here. Oh and here take some Frozen Lemons home with you"

Sorry I am just in a weird and happy funny mood today and some of your comments just make me smile.
Thanks girls, you are all awesome.
Xxxx

[AmandaM]

God I hate people. This happened to me too, 30 years ago. Told all my friends, I only had one left after that. And he was "iffy" on it. You CAN and WILL find new friends. You cannot become bitter. And if asked about it, feel free to mention she was the one who got you into it.

[Nancy Sue]

One of the things I like about these posts is that after comments were made you have replied again, and filled in more details. Here is what I think:
If a discussion comes up you can point out "You know, at some point nearly everyone has tried on something from the opposite sex. Some liked it - some didn't. Some admit to it - many don't. When your SO encourages you to try something and says they like it, says it is sexy, shares their clothes with you, and has you pose for photos that excite them - they are demonstrating they like it and enjoy it, too. But when they tell others, and tell it like it is shameful - they forget the part that they liked it, and encouraged it, and were a participant in it, so if it is so shameful - they are shameful, too. So the real question is 'were they lying when they said they liked it and participated in it together? Or are they lying now when they say they don't?' Either way they are liars, and you can take that any way you want." (Don't memorize my words, just use the gist of it, if you want. Or not.)
Or you can say something like "Well, Elton John has done okay with his crossdressing - maybe I will hit it big, too."
Or you can say something like "Well, so-and-so has really helped me be ready for Halloween early this year", and then laugh.
Or you can say something like "Lots of people cross dress, and I am not the only crossdresser you know - though I may be the only one you "know" you know?"
Or you can say "What kind of woman has a relationship with someone, becomes intimate with them, and then uses it against them? If she wanted out she could have just said so, and left. I am so glad I found out about her before we got married. Can you imagine what it would be like to live a lifetime with someone who back-stabs you? And the divorce - OMG! She has saved me a lifetime of pain and trouble by showing what a b_ _ _h she is before we married. I just wished she had shown her true self sooner, so I would not have wasted so much of my time with her."

[Andrea Chenowith]

... "When your SO encourages you to try something and says they like it, says it is sexy, shares their clothes with you, and has you pose for photos that excite them - they are demonstrating they like it and enjoy it, too. But when they tell others, and tell it like it is shameful - they forget the part that they liked it, and encouraged it, and were a participant in it, so if it is so shameful - they are shameful, too. So the real question is 'were they lying when they said they liked it and participated in it together? Or are they lying now when they say they don't?' Either way they are liars, and you can take that any way you want."

Regardless of how much you want to share with your friends (if you even want to keep them) about your current status on dressing, I think this piece would be something to lead with. If you're close to the woman who felt you up, I would start with her and see just how far it's spread. Of course, since her confidence could also just be nosiness, you may not get the best response.

If your ex fiancé was excited about your dressing and is then misrepresenting the situation, I would hope that your mutual friends would understand.

[Beverley Sims]

Sorry!
You have some great friends there.

Just stick it up them for mine.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o AD,
Don't jump to any conclusions, without knowing the truth. If you think word has gotten out, ask your fiancé, it is the only way to really know.
I have a female neighbor who is somewhat touchy also, she will almost always feel my abs, or waist.
She knows nothing about my CDing. (As far as I know anyway)
I hope your female friend was just trying to be touchy, feely in a friendly manner.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[AccidentalDresser]

Going to try and talk to the X tomorrow night or over the weekend to find out if she really wants to call it quits and who she has told what.
She needs to man up and face me though instead of avoiding the situation.
A work colleague brought up an interesting side point today. She said her avoidance may be a sign of her own guilt and it's possible she could have something to hide.
My work friends don't know about my CD so they think the X's actions are a result of her cheating on me. I suppose it's a possibility. I really hope not though.