A minor set back

[nikki2014]

Last night while I was out and about, I decided to text my wife. She knows all about my CDing, not that she supports it 100% but she at least knows. We've spoken about it several times over the last month or so and I thought she was at least ok with what she did know. I never went too far with sharing my CDing with her just that she knows about it. Well last night I texted her and said "Do you know who Nikki is?" Her reply was "no" and I replied "One day you will have to meet Nikki. Maybe." Well that was the end of our texts. While we were going to bed I think she went back and read her texts. She asked me who Nikki was. I waited for a while and she asked again. I said it was me. There was no reply from her. I said hey are you ok. She said she was processing. I didn't push the issue and let it be and we fell asleep.

This morning as I was leaving I went and sat next to her and asked her if she was ok. She said honestly no I'm not. I have a hard time with Nikki. I have a hard time thinking of you as Nikki, I just can't do that. We had a good talk but in the end she said she needed her space and needed time to think it all over. I said it was understandable it's taken me 40 some years just to tell a single sole and it happens to be you. I don't expect you to understand in a month or so. We finished our conversation and from what I think of as a DADT. I explained to her that I found this website and it has helped me out a lot as well if she would like to look for answers. She said she wasn't ready but when she is she'll want to read the posts and see what everyone else is saying.

My wife has a very stressful job and she is going through a lot of changes at work which compounded the stress. Not to mention we have a huge family which also adds to the stress. My wife is also very very conservative and has a hard time seeing things like this. I'm on the other side that is very open minded. I guess opposites do attract. I do think its funny when we go shopping together that she finds herself over in the men's section looking at jackets and hoodies. She likes the darker colors and the way they fit but yet hates all the colors of women's and the way they fit. I'm thinking isn't my CDing the same as you looking at men's hoodies only I don't go out in public wearing a pink hoodie or something? I do have a men's Under Armor pink hoodie I wear out so what's the difference? Is it the fact that the word men's or women's is just a word in front of the piece of clothing? Just wondering.

Anyway, enough of my rant. I'm ok with our situation as I'm sure she is too. She just needs time to process it all and some of her stress needs to lift. All is good though.

Cheers, Nikki

[Valerie Louise]

I think we are in the same timeframes. I told her about a year ago, and we have been married for a 33 years.
She has been more accepting than I deserve, given that she did not know early on, which is, in fact, an act of lying on my part for many years. Now that it is out in the open, we deal with it as we can.
Over the course of the year she has also been processing, and at times is capable of teasing me about it - she does not freak out now, but I've worked really hard to acknowledge my faults in this, and to thank her when I can. We have rules - I can only dress with her there - she wants to control the possibility of accidental exposure. I let it go that I've kept this secret from the world for ... decades, so I really do not need this control but, she needs it.
Today we went out bra shopping, because it looks like I know more about bra fitting than she does (surprise ... when you are a CD, bras tend to be a central focus), and I went out of my way to help her find the style she said she wanted to try (she has shoulder and back pain and it looks to me like she is in the wrong band size by a couple of inches). I think it is little things where you are trying to make her understand that this ... thing ... we have is not competition against her for our love and attention, but rather something that could be helpful to us as a couple.
It is so hard to see this from the other person's perspective. I've tried to explain why I am compelled to do this, and how it doesn't mean that I am diverted from our relationship by it. I know she cannot grasp it ... how could she? And on my side, I cannot imagine what goes on in her helmet about it - for sure, making light of it is not the right thing to do. It is a BIG DEAL for the female side.
My advice - don't surprise her in any way about this topic. Only talk about it when you are eyeball to eyeball, and take the opportunity to discuss it when you are absolutely sure she is receptive. This requires sacrifice on your part. For so long you've hidden, and now, finally, you can talk to another human. But if you go too fast, you'll screw it up.
It sounds like she is stressed by many factors. Find a way to take her to a bed and breakfast for a weekend to decompress. It could turn out on the drive home that she asks you questions that open the doors to better understanding. Always ask, "hey, would you mind if we talked about my dressing?" before launching into a topic.
I'm no expert. I'm just lucky right now and I'm protecting that luck with a go slow attitude to keep it going.
Your results may vary.

Good luck - we are in the same set of heels.
My gawd I love heels.

[Sierra_juliette]

My initial thought is that putting myself in her shoes, her response sounds to me like thinking of you as Nikki may feel similar to 'losing' you as your masculine part that she knows. This is purely a guess, trying to put what she said into how I imagine it would feel to be a DADT type of SO. My husband doesn't really assume another name so I can only guess.

I think that may be a big fear of many SOs, losing the 'you' they know and are used to. Rikki has good advice, try to make these moments face to face and see if that helps. Ensure her that you are still you, Nikki is just a part of you

I would also say, look at the positive, she didn't change the locks or spit in your face, that is a small win. Right?

[nikki2014]

Thanks for the feedback. I did tell her that the real me is still there. I told her I can still go out and get my hands dirty choppin' a tree down or diggin' a hole. I'm still me. Confusing thing was she sent me out this morning with 4 VS coupons and said go buy her some bra's that were one sale. She know I would go shopping since I was at the mall. I did but I also made she I bought her something. And I also didn't flaunt in her face what I bought too. She was doing better this morning.

But you're right, as long as she didn't change the locks or spit in my face all is good.

Nikki