**GREAT ADVISE**keep a record in your stash**

[mykell]

firstly no "tell or dont tell" debate, already had it.....

and i boosted this: its from a GG perspective....i thought it deserved better attention....

"If nothing else, I say at least take the time to think of as many questions as possible, ask for help in coming up with them and leave your SO a video in your stash (or a letter, video seems better to me) and answer all of the questions she may have if she finds it, especially if she finds it because she has lost you."

so if the courage of a reveal is insurmountable (ive been there) the very least thing you could do would be some how archive the thoughts and feelings that you share here.....some of you share them in these debate threads, why not share them with the one you love....

a letter, a recording, or a video, in drab from you....dont think its too much for a GG to ask....

[Helen_Highwater]

This is something I've pondered on. I die in a RTC or get struck by lightning, do I owe an explanation to my family of what all theses clothes,shoes, jewelry etc that they stumble upon are all about? And the answer is, yes I probably do. I do need to explain that this is no reflection upon our marriage. That in no way does it diminish my feeling for her or reflect upon any actions she has made. I my case not revealing is my way of protecting what we have. I could have expose myself but that would have been selfish, for my benefit, not in the interest of maintaining a stable and happy relationship.

Whether relating eloquently enough some of the thoughts made here such that they would make coherent sense would be within my gift I'm unsure. Is that a reason not to try? Probably not.

What in a way stops me is the fear that this letter is found pre-mortem. That all is revealed. That said at that point the cat is out the bag anyway so perhaps I just need to get on and do it and hope my writings explain sufficiently to calm the waters.

This is an excellent discussion topic and you're absolutely right to highlight it.

[DanaR]

This is an interesting idea. It isn't something that I would have to do, but might be a good explanation for someones SO if something were to happen to them. It might be overwhelming to a SO if they were to find it otherwise.

[AngelaYVR]

Only my wife knows. If we were to perish together in a random blimp accident, I suppose everyone else might possibly assume the clothes were hers..until they got to the shoes. And wigs. By that point, it would most likely be obvious what was what. And it would provide some scintillating dinner table conversation.
Humour aside, I do think the idea is sound. Can you imagine the things that would race through her mind? It's bad enough when you are there to answer the questions.

[Nancy Sue]

I have written out such a letter, and given it to my attorney - to be opened privately by him upon my death. Since he is my best friend (who does not know about Nancy), the letter is to help him understand (and suggest where he can get more information about CD/TG, if he wishes to). It instructs him which safe my things are in, the combination (which nobody but me knows), and that he is to remove them, privately, and deliver them to a thrift store. It also includes a codicil to the will itself, stating that the contents of that safe are for him to take, and that part of the validation is that I have given him the combination, which nobody else knows. There are things in there he will then give to the family, but most of its contents will go away.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Wow Nancy, you certainly take the subject seriously. The Jason Bourne solution.

Helen- if the letter/video is with the clothes, what's to lose- if the clothes are found pre-mortem, the explanation is there with them. A bombshell perhaps, but at least it's a complete and honest bombshell.

How long till someone posts their post-mortem letter/video here I wonder???

[sometimes_miss]

I live alone, and as far as I know no one suspects anything about my crossdressing. So at both entrances, I have an envelope near the door with the words 'instructions in case of my death' on it. Enclosed are contact numbers for my family, friends, lawyer and medical examiner. The top page is a DNR form (do not resusitate) so that if it's ambulance personnel they know not to go through any trouble, as some places have requirements that cpr be done until the person is declared dead by qualified personnel. When I'm done, I'm done. The details of my crossdressing and TG state of mind are on the last page, with a warning on top that it might trigger anyone with similar problems. Last page is a simple list of what to do with all my belongings so that my executor doesn't have to make any decisions, just distribute my stuff. I think that pretty much covered everything.

[Lynn Marie]

Good tip, thanks.

[justmetoo]

sometimes_miss, I live alone, too, and your idea sounds good. As far as people knowing/finding out, I am out to and supported by a large portion of my family, so there won't be any shock there. But I should consider further arrangements, even if it's just an envelope by the door or something.

[Helen_Highwater]

One other thought struck me. Writing a letter could be a very therapeutic thing to do for us as it would focus our thoughts and perhaps give further insights into the why's that are pondered over so long and hard here. We may end up having a better understanding of ourselves.

[~Joanne~]

I actually have a journal. It explains everything, the good, the bad and the ugly, not for my SO but for whoever else finds out. My words, my pictures, my everything.

[celeste26]

Everyone in my family knows already and at work (I work en femme) so there is virtually no one who matters who doesn't already know so, no need of a record.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've written a 2 page letter and have it taped to the dresser in my closet for my adult children to find at some point in time. My wife knew but passed away about 2 years ago and since then I've been back in the closet, a closet that has been filling up with more and more girl stuff. If I die or become hospitalized for some reason, they will end up in that closet and I don't want them to be wondering and possibly coming up with the wrong conclusions. I've explained it all, I think, and go back to edit the letter when I think of something else that needs to be added or clarified. One of these days I'll just talk to them and the need for the letter will evaporate, but until that happens, the letter will have to do.

[Katey888]

Really good reminder for us full or partially closeted types Mikell... something like that could provide our loved ones with some surely needed reassurance and explanation. :)


How long till someone posts their post-mortem letter/video here I wonder???

Interesting thought Nikki, but leaving threads (of any nature...) are not permitted... ;)

Katey x

[Caden Lane]

I dive and a lot of people I know have sealed open letters to their spouses that spell out what they wish their famy to consider if they pass whe diving. Like do not blame my buddy, and do not let him blame himself. Who to divvy my gear to (if anybody would be willing to dive it after) and any other number of things. I can see where this sort of letter could be good for an unsuspecting spouse.

[Kate Simmons]

While that sounds like a nice thing to do, quite honestly, once we are gone, it's no longer our worry.:)

[Caden Lane]

It's not really for us; its for our loved ones. So they do not blame themselves or feel any sort of guilt. It explains what they find so they will hopefully have a better understanding, rather than jump to brash conclusions and ask questions we can no longer answer. Ask yourself if you would like to find out a secret about your partner shortly after their passing, while you are still emotional. So many questions, with no way to answer them; that's a terrible place to leave a family member. Why allow them to remember you in a bad light of you can help ease their understanding, or explain what they find? Why add to their grief? If a method exists to ease that, I say embrace it.

[Kate Simmons]

Quite honestly I would remember the good times shared with the person who has passed on despite what may be found. Those who truly know us and love us would think no less of us or themselves. :)

[Caden Lane]

And remembering the good times and those who truly know us and Love us explains why we have the ongoing debate about telling/ not telling our spouses/SOs how?

It's easy to toss that platitude out there and say I'd love her anyways. But the truth of the matter is; at the time of our passing, if our spouse or SO doesn't know, and they clean house, what they find will more than likely be shocking, unless they had sneaking suspicions for years. If we hope to ease their minds or the shock, we owe them some sort of explanation in our passing if we cannot muster an explanation in life. You make the very brash assumption that because they know us and Love us, they'll be okay. That's partly the problem; once they find your stash, they will think they knew us or rather, they will second guess what they knew. And if they second guess hard enough, they may second guess the Love we had for them, or worse the Love they thought they had for us. Hell, they may question our Love for them simply because they feel we did not think them worthy of telling them. That's not the legacy anybody wants to leave in their wake.

As I said earlier, the great debate rages on about tell/don't tell, because the end result is people question the very points you tried to make; and that's while we are alive to point out the fallacy in their thinking. But it doesn't mean they will believe us even then. There is no guarantee that in our passing, but maybe the last written words of a dead man will carry enough weight to make them rethink their doubts or ease the double grief they will undoubtedly be feeling upon discovering our long held secrets.

[Kate Simmons]

I see and understand your point Caden. Perhaps our different outlooks have something to do with our different ages. I was to war twice in Nam and back before you were even born. I've been around the "horn" more times than I can count. Carry on my friend and do what makes you happy. :)

[Tonya Rose]

My thoughts on this is just be honest with your wife ,SO Or whatever, while your here! why not just be happy while you`re here and not having to explain from the grave! although if you just cant muster the thought of being honest with the one that loves you I guess a letter is in order!!

[mykell]

so after reading some of the posts i will be writing a correspondence for my family in general, who is to say that when i go it may be at the hands of an auto accident and my wife may have been with me, you never know?. a short explanation for whomever finds this, instructions like my things donated at the least, not tossed away. shows some respect to whoever finds the things....

[Kate67]

thanks Mikell

I have been thinking about what happens when I die suddenly and my loved ones, who know about me dressing, find my clothes and make-up.
They have never seen me in female clothes and probably have very different ideas of me in a dress.
Your advise has helped me a lot.

thank you,
Kate

[Caden Lane]

I had recently created a list of potential articles for an on-line TG/CD magazine I contribute to. This subject matter was on the list, and it recently came up at here at crossdressers.com, while I was in final draft stage of the article. It's not my usual positive subject matter, but it is my hope to address it in a positive and helpful manner which doesn't leave you hearing funeral dirges.

Often, no matter what part of our life we are talking about, we rarely take into account end of life scenarios. I believe it is something which deserves due diligence. Some of us spend our lives in secret never taking into account the ticking emotional time bomb we stand to leave our Loved Ones at the time of our passing.

Sometimes, these secrets/private matters will be revealed when Loved Ones go to clean out our homes, apartments or storage. If we do not leave information for them explaining what they've found, they may jump to their own conclusions, and it may very well not be the truth as we know it and experience it. The human mind is often going to accept the simplest explanation. This could work in your favor if your living situation would allow them to believe they were items left over from some past love. However, you've no real guarantee they will go in this direction. They may also believe the clothing are remnants of some past affair. Your family may also find what you've left behind, make all sorts of wild speculations about your sexuality, proclivities you may or may not have had, associated affairs that did or did not take place, and possible STD exposure you may have subjected Loved Ones to.

They may then be hyper emotional, because not only have they lost you, but now they find out you had all manner of secrets you did not confide in them because you obviously did not trust them enough, on top of all the other speculations they may make.
Is that the legacy or memory any of want to leave behind? Of course all of this takes a few things for granted; as in, does your spouse or SO know. If your spouse or SO knows, then great! But do not take for granted they will know exactly what you'd like done in the event of your passing. Also, do not take for granted a worst case scenario where you and your spouse part simultaneously. No one expects or hopes for that; however it is best to be prepared for eventualities, which is what this article is all about.

Recently, a very out Transsexual woman named Jennifer Gable (http://www.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2014/11/24/outrage-after-idaho-trans-woman-buried-man) passed away and her father, against her wishes, buried her as a man. She had legally changed her name, and fully expected to be treated as a woman. However, for whatever reason, her father had her presented as a man in an open casket. The Funeral home indicated the confusion could have been avoided if a Last Will had been in place. They said because her death certificate indicated male, they followed common practices and family wishes.

If you do not trust family to follow your wishes, despite a will, make funeral arrangements with a funeral home of your choice, give them specifics, a copy of your will and make sure you let them know where you do and don't want family to have latitude. Then, make family aware of your burial arrangements, perhaps excluding your special conditions. They cannot abide by your wishes on which provider you wish to use, if they do not know.

But also keep in mind, funerals are not for the deceased. They are for family. If you present as a male most of the time, it would be rather selfish to ask to be presented as a female, against family wishes. That's not the time nor place to come out to everyone. The time for that sort of statement is when you are still walking around. Funerals are of course a very emotional time, and why shock and surprise everyone needlessly, while simultaneously creating hard feelings.

About a year ago, I had Bariatric surgery for weight-loss purposes. Having known people that died on the table, I had concerns. So I prepared a will, made a living will, and also had a very frank conversation with Miss Girlfriend about where my Caden stuff was stored. She agreed that should anything happen to me, she would take it and destroy it. My intention was not to harm my family with my private matters in the wake of my passing. If you've anyone in your life you can trust, perhaps a burn-box is an option. I've known police officers and military personnel who kept such boxes in their lockers. They were either marked as a burn-box, or they had made special arrangements.
Another option is to leave a prominently displayed letter within your stash. Such a letter should spell out a great many things. First and foremost it should be a very clear admission or statement about the contents of the box. It should spell out in a loving and understanding fashion, with a lack of any bitterness why you felt you could not confide in your loved ones. Perhaps telling them that you hold no ill-will or resentment would be a good way to go. Think of the questions they might have; were you gay, did you cheat, who knew about this, how long did you do it, did you want to be and live life as a woman? Think up as many questions as they may have, and answer them lovingly. Keep in mind, some questions like, "how long did you do it" may be loaded questions and answers for your Loved Ones. It may only reinforce negative thoughts in their minds. So try to look at each question and it’s corresponding answer with fresh eyes; such as those of someone learning about this for the first time, while already emotional. If you feel you cannot make a judgment call on that question and answer, call on a trusted friend or someone in the community to proofread, and be specific of what you want to convey, and what you wish to prevent, as well as what concerns you may have.

It's easy to say, "They Love me, they will have all of their good memories of the good times. They will think no less of me no matter what. “if that were entirely true, there would not be the ongoing debate of tell them/ do not tell them. We would not find ourselves worrying about discovery or what others may think. If we can ease our family’s grief, I believe we should. If we can put their minds at ease about what they find, and explain ourselves upon our passing, I believe we should. We owe them that, at the very least, if we feel we cannot confide in them in life.

I hope this helps someone, I sincerely hope it was not a downer. I do promise I will try to keep these heavier subjects from following one another. They should be spaced out so as not to interrupt the positive atmosphere I hope to maintain on my blog. But I do believe that if approached correctly this can be a very positive thing, and offer both you and your family peace of mind.
Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Greenie]

The idea of this seems really morose to me. I mean, I guess its because I know already, I would prefer a love letter than an explanation of the CD. Even if I did not know and a found a stash after death or something, I am not sure how a letter would feel. Adding insult to injury. If your loved one dies, and leaves behind a confession of a lie that they were hiding from you for X amount of years. I wouldn't feel like they did that for me, I would feel like they did that for themselves. I am not sure about how I feel about this idea.

[mykell]

hi greenie, glad to have the perspective of another GG.....so the origin of the tale is that of another member here who suggested a video, i thought it was a great idea and saw it getting lost in her post and highlighted it here, was not going for doom and gloom....i myself have always advocated the letter at the very least and out of respect and love for a weakness of not overcoming the fear of the disclosure, i would hope it would be in a loving sincere tone, some thing for the loved ones they left behind be it a wife or other family member or friend....my feelings are that it will help those left behind to learn about the way the trans-spectrum has affected our lives and decisions on how we related this with them and lived in fear about it....as they learn so may the overall process of acceptance instead of the status quot and the assumed feelings if we leave nothing.....even if it only helps one it would be better than none....i know luca? shared this with you but for some it just insurmountable!

Caden im happy that you are blogging about this as well....the more that may be helped by this small easy way to acknowledge this to loved ones the better.....
why have such questions lingering about while they are still coming to terms with our passing....

[Sierra_juliette]

I do like the idea of a love letter as well, however I feel that if your SO might have to find and process the knowledge of your dressing without the ability to ask questions, some sort of explanation would be decent.

[Carrie M]

So much excellent advice here. Thank you, all.

[terrianncd]

I like this idea, My true friends and family know already. However, as my wish is to be presented in a dress at any showing, perhaps a video from me for those who may be unaware be available during the service would be a good idea. And the idea of where one wants the collections of a lifetime to go is good as well. I would not want things like the vintage Spring-o-lator shoes just donated to a thrift store for example. Good post!