Outed by my X SO

[AccidentalDresser]

Not in the mood to write much but just wanted to tell you.
Had some long talks with my now confirmed X fiancé. She has told everyone we know and they are all laughing about it and emailing photos between each other and to me.
Seems there was a vicious side to her I never knew existed. She gave back the ring and it's all over.

I still don't know how I feel. Just numb and empty.
I have people calling to rent the spare room and leaving messages but I don't really want to see or talk to anyone right now. I don't even want to go outside the house. I have never smoked in this house, not once but for now I have taken up smoking in the bathroom and I hate it because I can still smell it. I can't sleep and I'm not hungry. Just numb and empty.

My only saving grace is that I have no living family left that she could tell and she doesn't know anyone I work with because I have never been the type to mix work and home life.

[Sierra_juliette]

I am sorry to here that she was such a nasty human to do this to you. My exhusband who is also a crossdresser decided to out my current husband to anyone and everyone he could. Unfortunately he was able to hack my computer account and also gain access to pics of my husband dressed. It was a very tough time for us but having come out the other end of it, I can say it does get better. There are people that have exited my life because of if and although it was painful at first I now look back and am thankful that the haters are out of my life.

Please hear me when I say, you are a better person than she is, if someone could circulate pics of her 'inside' and distribute it I am sure it would be much more talk worthy than the photos she has shared of you.

Hold your head up high and do your best to walk proud, there is nothing shameful in dressing, don't let her get her way. And quit smoking in the bathroom, every time you think about it imagine the smell as being her stain upon your home, you don't want that :-)

[lisa72]

Sorry to hear your going threw a hard time. I can only tell you it gets better with time. I have been divorced now for two years so I .fo understand some of what you are going threw. It's good you found out about her before it went further. I wish you all the best and be proud of who you are

[TanyaWonder]

Hey,

my ex probably did pretty similiar thing. I asked her to keep it as discreet as possible but she can tell somebody when she needs to (because it was pretty hard for her). Well, we broke up some 2 years ago, and to the present day I have no idea who of our common friends know and who doesnt about my dressing, but its probably more ppl than I would expect. The good think is I dont give a ****, since its everybodys problem when they find it weird or stupid or whatev. I am me, and so is my CDing, thank you :)

[Aprilweathers]

OMG how terrible! Sorry Accidental.

Yeah, the only person that I know of that knows for sure, because I told her, was an ex gf.

So I am not sure who she told or how many of my/our friends know. We dated for years, had friends in common and knew each others parents/siblings. When we split though, it was amicable. We're both career focused, and I had to move to advance. Moved as in, packed up and traveled across several states to make a new home, new life and new friends. So I rarely ever see the people associated with that old relationship, a new cast of characters in my life, but social media really shrinks the world so who knows if my worlds have collided. Not to my knowledge, but I wonder how secret my secret is sometimes.

[Andy66]

That stinks. At least you didnt marry her, if thats any consolation. My take on any type of trouble is, I hope nothing bad happens, but if it does, I will buck up and find a way to handle it, turn it into a positive if possible, then move on.

[Amy Lynn3]

Hello:
I really don't know what to say, but I feel so sorry for you. I do have a few comments for you to consider. What does it change in your life if you worry to the point of smoking ? In this situation you are the only one who can change. The people she told can change their opinion of you, but so what ? If they run you down, you never needed them to start with. Change your opinion of yourself. You are not doing anything illegal or wrong and I bet the people that may point a finger at you have done worse. I bet some are felons or worse.

Some of my childhood friends have found out I dress and have talked behind my back. I have nothing to do with them anymore and associate with people who love me for who I am. You may consider how many people who will love you no matter what and, as for the common friends she told.....they are just common people.

We have so many things worse that could have happened....such as your health could have went South, so consider she did you a favor and took the fair weather friends out of your life, so now make new ones. It is just a purge, but not cloths this time, it is callous people, who ride high and have a holier than thou attitude.

You have a friend in me and I'm sure many more here, so put the smokes away and pity the person she is and she told, not yourself.:)

[Nikkilovesdresses]

That's horrible, and I hope the numbness passes soon.

Thanks for letting us know.

Hugs, Nikki

[stacy956]

Sorry about that hun i too went thru something similar with my ex wife after she knew i dressed and she seemed ok with and as time went on we split up and she ended telling everything to my parents and to my sister i couldnt liv it down i wouldnt eat sleep or leav my house living alone i seemed so depressed i left cding for a few weeks but after a while i got over it i was still sad but i got my self into work and got a hobbie and little by little i got better

[Sharon B.]

Been down that road before myself, probably why it is hard for me to date anybody else. Think you know a person and confess to them this side of yourself then "BAM " it is all out in the open so to speak. Some will believe and some won't, just depends if you are ready to come out. I wasn't at the time and I'm still not ready to come completely out although I do want to go out every now and then dressed as a woman.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I'm sorry this happened to you but be assured in time you will recover. My ex did it to me many years ago. The friends I lost?---Who cares?! They were never really friends if that's the case. Any new friend who learns about my past today and walks away?---Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! Today I have many kind and longstanding friends. Some might even know but yet I am treated with kindness and friendship. I act like I'm no different than any other person.

But here's a thought: If she told every friend especially her personal friends, do you think they'll be wise enough to feel they could trust her with their secrets or personal problems? Just think, by her nature, about the hell she could create for the next guy who comes along. My ex is on husband #4 because of her vindictiveness. Some life, huh?

Cheryl

[Rhian]

This is horrible and it's situations like this that stop people telling their SO in the first place as girls can very vindictive when they break up with someone. DO you not have ay secrets of hers you can air publicly? It might not make you feel better but at least she will have to pay a penalty for her awful behaviour.

[Ellen2d]

Hello:
I really don't know what to say, but I feel so sorry for you. ~.........

.........~ You have a friend in me and I'm sure many more here, so put the smokes away and pity the person she is and she told, not yourself.:)

Well said

[giuseppina]

I am saddened your ex has turned on you so badly. Some people are like that when they are rejected.

If you so choose, you can sell the ring to recoup some of your money and get a memento of her out of your sight.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to inform your employer of your breakup. They don't need to know the details. A decent organisation would then take anything she said as coming from a disgruntled ex.

You will recover from your current hardship.

[RachelF]

I agree a good thing is you did not married her. She is not a good person and that would be evident sooner or later.

Be strong hun.

Rachel

[krissy]

This happened to me 20 years ago i lost all my freinds and got labled .didnt find out till my best freind told me and didnt want anything to do with me hell it dont help if your in a male dominated job like mechanic lost job too! but i can tell you it dose get better .its wrong what she did but hold your head up .keep going it will get better:hugs:

[Sissy_Michelle]

Accidental,

Truly a horrible person this woman is. I am very sorry to hear what she has been doing to you. Hopefully you have some other friends that you can speak to or go visit during this time? You shouldn't feel empty, for your real friends will be there for you. If not then they were not your friends. This is a good time for change, on the other hand. If you had ever wanted to get away and find a new life else where here is your chance. Try to find a bright side to all of what has happened. If you don't have any family that live close then why not move away. I am NOT suggesting you run away from your problems and this does sound like it. If you wish to stand up to them and show them who has the best character then stay. Face them with chin up and with confidence. Or... Move elsewhere. The world is the same place and no matter where you go people like her and the ones making fun of you are everywhere, you cannot really escape. Just a thought if you have spent a lot of time there and are just too embarrassed. If it were me I would stay and show them who is the better person that won't be scared off by some insensitive person. Reply to everyone and tell the to beware of her that she is not loyal nor is she trustworthy.

As for the smoking... I had wanted a raise at work and knew I wouldn't get one. I quit smoking and gained a $87.oo raise a month. I NEVER smoke inside because I have a family that I share my home with and they don't like it so I smoke outside. If you don't like it either then you should either not smoke or just smoke outside. Get a nice outfit and a lawn chair with a nice beer and sit outside and smoke.

People are strange, and most of the time not nice. You either live like a hermit and not make friends or you go out and expose yourself to those people. However one thing is for sure. Your true friends will stand by you and support you or they were not your friends. Laugh at me? Go ahead... Will I be embarrassed? Yes. Will my feelings be hurt? Yes. But who are they? What do they mean to me if I cannot trust them?

Good Luck Accidental I wish you well and hope the best for you, please don't do anything that would hurt other people's feelings. I am very sure that there are many that respect and admire you. Find them speak to them don't hide. Don't be alone during this time.

@--}----
Michelle

[Brenda456]

Keeping secrets is not a good thing. At the same time, telling someone you are a crossdressers can endanger jobs and careers. It is wrong, but it is a reality some of us must face. Not being able to trust a person is sad and hurtful. For some of us, telling another carries some serious risks. It is disheartening when this happens. . . I hope for the best.

[Tracii G]

My she is an awful person.
If you have friends that laugh about it say go piss off and don't talk to them again, you don't need them in your life anyway.
One positive thing is its out there and everybody knows so you are free to go out dressed anytime you want and not worry about it.
Your true friends will accept it and stay friends.

[Vickie_CDTV]

To be blunt, your girlfriend is a psycho and it is a good thing she is gone (and thank goodness you did not have children with her, or you would have to have ties with her forever!) And this is from someone who is desperate to be loved... and even I would (and have) drawn the line at that kind of instability.

If any of these people she told confront you about it, you might want to remind them that it was her bright idea for you to wear her lingerie... so she is as "guilty" as you are.

[MissTee]

I am sorry to hear you were betrayed like that. How terrible. Give it some time and please take care of yourself. Walk more, join a gym, buy a bicycle and ride or anything healthy until you sort things out. Please, though, let the smoking go.

[AmandaM]

Well, now's your chance to begin again. Drop these friends. I know it's hard, but you'll make new ones. Now, you get to pick and choose.

[lingerieLiz]

You will know who your friends are. My wife accidentally outed me to our friends (long story). Surprisingly we didn't loose any including some very religious people.

[Barbara Black]

very sorry to hear about this betrayal. I was threatened with it when my wife found out, she was going to tell my parents and siblings. Fortunately she didn't, but she has never become supportive either. Anyhow, please stop with the smoking and other forms of self-abuse, it isn't your fault she is like that. Go on with it..

[Ressie]

Those that advocate coming out to SOs aren't responding to this thread. Is it possible your ex felt deceived (betrayed) when you started CDing? Yes, it appears she is being vindictive, but without hearing her side of the story… well, we're only hearing one side of the story.

That said, I know it's hard to believe in romantic love after an experience like this. Welcome to the 'trust issues' camp.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi AD, There should be some kind of a Pre Nup to keep :devil:Nasty X's from outing us.:daydreaming:

[alice clair]

When my ex and split up I had a few pictures of myself dressed. She showed them to my daughter and step daughter, they were 16 and 18. They never said a word to me but they told my present wife about the pictures. I had told her before we even dated about my Cding, we have known each other since we were about 4 so we were already pretty close. She was totally Ok with it from the beginning and still fully supports me in in it. The girls did all of the laundry at home and my ex never wore panties, so they knew they were mine anyway. As far as I know they did not tell anyone else, and have never mentioned it to me. I was my exes fourth husband and after me she had one more, then she died last year.

[Caden Lane]

I do not think tit for tat will work here. Her character flaw and poor Behaviour are on display for all to see, revenge along the same vein will only make accidental look the same way.

At Ressie, I still advocate telling a potential spouse or present spouse. However, due diligence must be done. One must be certain that the potential spouse is worthy of knowing. And in my opinion, if they are not worth telling about your private matter, they are not worth knowing. But a spouse deserves to know, and we deserve to live our lives without secrecy and shame. And for full disclosure, I recently found out my SE ond ex-wife told at least one very close friend.


Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[AccidentalDresser]

Thanks to all for all your love and support.
Reading through your comments brought a smile to my face because
A) I dont feel so alone in this.
B) I had to laugh at all the people who seemed more concerned about my smoking.
Just trying to think back and calculate now how many yearsI have been a smoker.I think I started when I was 20 so its been nearly 15 years. I didnt mean to say that my X drove me to smoke, I was simply pointing out that I couldnt even leave the house.
Its OK though because I have taken up smoking in the back shed where I keep the garden tools & lawn mower (and the mower fuel oopps lol) I have a nice lawn chair out there that reclines & a bar fridge & an old valve radio of my grandfathers so its a great smoking den. I knowI should quit just as every smoker knows they should quit but it will happen when the time is right.

Hmmmmm....... Now I am feeling like I belong to 2 minorities. Cross Dressers & Smokers. And it seems by all your comments that Smoking Crossdressers are an even smaller minority on their own lol.

Well still not sleeping well but looking forward to work in the morning cause its easy for me to pour myself into my job & switch off my brain for the 8 hours. I have always been really good at keeping work & life at far ends of the life spectrum.
Work tomorrow then start dealing with these calls about renting the spare room in the evening.That ought to take up most of my time before bed tomorrow.
OK then, off to the garden shed then back to bed like a good little girl. Lucky I have high fences around the yard or the neighbours may be enjoying the view too much. Its not really going out dressed, just outside but its more adventurous than I have been before except for the one outing to Mardi Gras. Not sure if I am getting braver or just dont care at the moment but a walk across the yard in fem mode feels good every couple of hours.

Some of you may be on the money with the pick up and move idea too. I was thinking along those lines earlier but at the same time I also dont want to just relocate my entire life because of the A Holes I thought were friends turning out to just be sheep.
Its all up in the air for now but anything is possible. My thoughts are just really scattered, still a bit numb but leaning more towards anger than devistation. Spending a lot more time dressed as well and thats probably a bad thing because I wont be able to do it so freely once I find a renter for the spare room.
Sorry too many thoughts & so few people to tell them to at my end so you may cop a bit of rambling from me for a little bit before Iturn normal again

[Caden Lane]

Perhaps find a roomie who is a crossdresser, transgender or gay. Any three of those should be ambivalent enough that you shouldn't have a problem simply living your life as you see fit.

But do not fall into the anger trap hon. Look for the positive sides of this; focus on those. You now know who your real friends are, you saw her character flaws for yourself, she showed how untrustworthy she is to all who were willing to listen. Odds are, she will never be entrusted with a secret or private matter by any of those people she told.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Carolana]

You have shared that there is an cruel side to your ex. But its not just her. By your description, the whole bunch of your mutual friends are no different. You say that they are all laughing. This says more about them than it does about you. Its called bullying. It can take on many forms. This is just one of them. I think they should be taken to task and be called what they really are. Cruel. Emotional bullying is even worse than physical bullying. Bullies pick on people that are different and defenseless. You can choose to defend yourself. What have you got to lose...they already know. If any one of them has a conscience, they might change their tune. Everyone has things about themselves they keep to themselves. And not too many think of them self as a cruel person. Your ex may feel somehow justified in her lashing out, but they have no excuse. I have seen that when a group of people get involved in bullying, they behave much differently than when alone. Single one out and see for yourself. Otherwise find better friends. More mature friends. And be encouraged. It gets better.

[AmandaM]

If your so-called friends keep contacting you in a negative fashion, make sure you tell them your ex got you to do it. And if it comes out at work, deny it up and down, all day long, with anger in your face. Do not ever admit to it at work, and take issue with anyone who brings it up. And then, never underdress at work or give any hint of femininity. Then find another job.

[Katey888]

I can only sympathise but I'm afraid it's part of that unpredictability of people... :hugs:

Not everyone is accepting or honourable in their values and behaviour - try to rise above it and move on, try not to waste too much energy on the past. :)

The old adage: "What goes around comes around.." should be your karmic consolation...

Katey x

[AccidentalDresser]

And if it comes out at work, deny it up and down, all day long, with anger in your face.

Well I don't think I have to worry too much about work. I got in first and told a few of the gossips over lunch that i had broken up with my fiancé and found out from friends that she had been cheating. And now that I found out she is all bitter about it even though she was the cheat and liar.
Several of them said that's always the way and were quite sympathetic. By the end of the day I am sure the Chinese whispers had her bedding many men behind my back and being ticked off because she had to go back to her mothers after I threw her out.
I love the way gossips spread their vile rumours. It's useful sometimes.


Perhaps find a roomie who is a crossdresser, transgender or gay. Any three of those should be ambivalent enough that you shouldn't have a problem simply living your life as you see fit.
Caden Lane

Tell you what Caden I would be happy for a blind pirate with 2 wooden legs and a screeching parot who pays their share of rent and bills on time and is honest.
I have had some really weird calls to rent the room. If I get many more weird ones I will have enough to make a whole new post topic thread.
Cross dressing seems normal compared to some of the calls I have had

[Caden Lane]

It sounds like you've managed to protect yourself and exact some very subtle revenge without tainting your reputation. Very skillfully done by the way!

And I can only imagine the sort of calls you've received. I've always wanted to write a couple of books in the sort of people one can encounter when looking for a roomie or the stories and types of people one encounters in a waiting room. I know I meet the strangest sorts. Anyhow, I digress.

I really do hope things level off emotionally where your ex is concerned, and that perhaps your friends realize the error of their ways. But alas, if they do not, you've learned a very valuable lesson on who your true friends are. But maybe it has also shown you that if you surround yourself with the right sort of friends, you may be able to live a more "out" life than you have previously. Perhaps it's be better if your femme aspect made friends for a while. Just throwing that out there.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[PaulaQ]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I understand just how painful it is. I really do - after I came out as trans to my wife (now ex-wife), she outed me to essentially everyone in the tiny, rural, conservative town we lived in. It was a horrible experience. I felt like my identity had been ripped away from me. I no longer had any control over what people said or thought about me. This thing I'd hid my whole life was suddenly laid bare before a rather hostile group of people.

So what I'm going to suggest may sound odd - but consider just coming out to people in your life, rather than continuing to be closeted. Look, the cat's out of the bag now, and wouldn't it be pleasant to NEVER have to worry about this happening to you again? Especially since she's outed you anyway. People know - and they'll talk about this. You'll never really know now who your friends are, and who is gossiping behind your back.

I realize that there are about 1,000,000 reasons - good reasons really - to stay in the closet. But she damaged that for you, and even if you manage to contain this, you are liable to fear exposure in any relationship you start.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just be your authentic self - a cross dresser - and have people accept or reject you based on who you really are, rather than some image you project?

Look, I know you will probably reject this, and for everyone else, there's no reason to pile on and tell me that this is an awful idea. I get it.

I'm just suggesting you think about it. Look, I have no choice but to be out - I'm transitioning, and everybody that's ever known me was eventually going to find out. There are a lot of things that really suck about transition, and being TS - but you know what? I no longer have to hide anymore. And I know who my friends really are.

Anyway, just a thought, especially since in my experience you are unlikely to fully contain this, and will now find yourself in the difficult position of no longer really knowing who knows, and who doesn't. I can tell you from firsthand experience that this is an extremely uncomfortable situation.

Again, I'm very sorry she did this to you, she had no right to do it.

[Cassie.]

First off I'm really sorry that you had to deal with all that hunny it must be hurtful no matter how you look at it. But your not alone that's for sure people may come to this forum for many different reasons but where all here because we cross dress. But even so with this forum I've notice that everybody is supportive in there own way and we all at least understand a little about that pain of that happening or could happen to any that have not tolled there other half's. I really hope you get better soon hunny. And I second the fact that as for finding a spare room mate for rent try and find one that understands already. (but I do feel your pain on finding one who pays the rent and bills on time. Before I lived with my other half I had a room mate who did nothing but play games in his underpants and was always late paying bills. used to make life that little bit harder.)

And though cross dressing may be a minority we are still here for you. Maybe we can't be there like friends you may have had that you can meet. But I'm more that happy to be your friend hunny even if that's just somebody to talk to on here or just for you to get things of your shoulder if you ever want to talk just send me a pm and i'll get back to you because. I think everybody on here is probably more likely to understand me that the friends I have out there that I go do social things with. I mean its just if you feel like you want somebody to talk to hunny I don't mind. Don't want to seem like I'm being pushy or anything sometimes I just can't word things right. But really I hope you feel better soon and that you get back to being who you want to be. Don't let people who you thought where your friends ruin you. Just think of how you will be better off without them and find friends who understand you for who you are and what's inside rather than ones who would laugh behind your back. As for smoking yes I do worry about people doing it as its harmful to yourself and hurting yourself is never good. (but I also understand as a ex smoker you quit when the time is right) I just hope that time is sooner rather than later. Well once again you take care sweetie.

Cassie xx