scared, but can't stop

[cindi_in_satin]

I've had several close calls recently where wifey almost caught me. I don't want to risk my marriage - I'm afraid wife won't understand. The urge to dress is too powerful. Dressing up relaxes me....I love to feel my feminine side. This is my second marriage - sometimes I wish I never remarried so I could live this lifestyle. It's a love-hate thing every day for me.....torn between purging....but can't bring myself to throw out my girly clothes. It just feels so good and so right to slip into pantyhose and a bra and some satin jammies. I wish I could share this with my wife, but I'm terrified she'd leave me. I keep telling myself I should stop, but I can't.....the urge to feel like a woman is too strong.

[Mikhaela]

Most of us know all too well what you are going through. It's really HARD, I know.
Only you can guess how your wife would respond if you were to reveal your inner self.
Up until the second of this month I was where you are right now. I was trying to psych myself up to telling my wife but not only was I afraid but I can't even explain my need to dress even to myself, let alone to her! But I really wanted her to know. I assumed that it would be a matter of time before I slipped up and she found out anyway and I didn't want her to find out that way.
Well ... I DID slip up and , she DID find out that way. Fortunately for me I have a VERY loving and understanding wife and my fears were unfounded. We talked and continue to from time to time when questions arise.
It feels SOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD to be out to her and not hiding it.
Please understand that I am in no way trying to tell you what you should do. Only YOU can decide what is right for you. I am only relating MY experience which showed me that my assumption that my wife would react badly turned out to be wrong - in MY case.
I truly feel for you and understand what you are going through. Joining this site helped me SOOOOOOOO MUCH. I thought I was a freak and alone until I found this site.
You are NOT a freak. You are not alone.
I just hope my poor wife can finally get approved to join so she too can interact with some of the GGs here. For some reason it's taking forever.

[kimdl93]

Look at what you've written. You have had several near misses. You say you can't risk your marriage and yet you do each time you dress. Pit seems that you take the same risk by dressing and being caught. I would suggest that the risk is even greater than if you come out in a thoughtful, planned way.

[Julie Denier]

As a secret dresser, I know exactly what you're feeling. It can be maddening sometimes. This thing of ours, it's complicated ...

[Laura912]

Regardless what sort of answers you receive here, there is no way to predict what will work for you and your wife. For example, if a medicine has a 15% chance of a side effect, how do we decide if you as a person will have that side effect. You will have to approach things slowly, hoping that you can get some sort of clue how she will react. I thought that my wife would not be pleased because of the test question, " Which would you rather have happen in your marriage...find out your husband is gay, having an affair, or a crossdresser?" Her reply was having an affair because that was more normal. Well, this same woman asked me yesterday to dress because she liked to see me. Go figure. And good luck. You are going to get caught because at your age of 52, there are too many more years of dressing so your odds do increase.

[Tracii G]

How your wife will react only you would know.
It depends on how you dress too if its lingerie or risque you might have a hard time.
If you dress hookerish that could be a problem too.
Not sure if you are a more fetish type dresser or one that blends.

[Emma Leigh]

As others have said you cant predict how your wife will react but its your choice you either tell her or be caught..because you probably will be and you dont want her to find out that way..or the other alternative which is to resist the temptation to dress which you wont cos you cant..best tell her and bite the bullet

[Tracii G]

I'm with Emma on this one.
Grow some stones and tell her.

[Jenniferathome]

Is it better to be found out or to tell her on your terms?

reading between the lines, you are at the boiling point. Everyone tells at that point.

[Seana Summer]

It seems this is always complicated. I am not one to push someone out of their closet, but maybe you should consider the advice of those above. It is usually better to tell your spouse than to surprise her one day. If you tell her, you can take some time to plan it out and prepare her so it is less of a shock. Either that or your going to have to get your CDing desire toned down.

But you know your situation better than we do. Good Luck and all the best!

[sandie]

I've had several close calls recently where wifey almost caught me. I don't want to risk my marriage - I'm afraid wife won't understand. The urge to dress is too powerful. Dressing up relaxes me....I love to feel my feminine side. This is my second marriage - sometimes I wish I never remarried so I could live this lifestyle. It's a love-hate thing every day for me.....torn between purging....but can't bring myself to throw out my girly clothes. It just feels so good and so right to slip into pantyhose and a bra and some satin jammies. I wish I could share this with my wife, but I'm terrified she'd leave me. I keep telling myself I should stop, but I can't.....the urge to feel like a woman is too strong.

I came out to my wife about 12 years ago and although we talk through various situations and the main thing that upsets her is i get anxious and become depressed so she tells me talk to her and let her know.I hope your SO is OK with dressing, a lot of us have gone through this and all we can say is good luck and we are behind you.

[Rachelakld]

What's best way for wife to find out
a) womens undies & bra found in hiding hole while vacuuming, or
b) you have a nice dinner outing with her, share a bottle of wine and have a little chat about how you feel
c) you say it's cold, and ask if your allowed to wear yoga tights to keep warm and borrow "her" jumper
d) wait until she has invested most of her life, and planned a future with you, then drop her a bomb

There are probably a few other ways for wives to find out, and I reckon 99% of them do find out, so it's really about the method and timing that best suits you both.

[MissTee]

The calling we deal with is very consuming, and near impossible to resist. It is something we all battle. Your wife/SO will either accept your dressing or she will not. Likewise, acceptance may happen immediately, over time or not at all. Regardless, telling or keeping it a secret is something you will have to very carefully consider as there is no magical solution. Good luck.

[krissy]

i told my wife before we got togeather. she heard i like to dress from my gay cousin she was her girlfreind at the time.but my current wife tried at first to be involved she even brought her best freind to help with makeup and dressing .after the dressing i was told to go upstairs and wait for them well i saw my wife didnt like the idea.so i told her we didnt have to do anything.we went to sleep next day she says dont like it dont want it in her life.i got hurt bad i accept her being with a woman before i love her so much i have raised 3 kids two hers now ours one mine .now grandkids love every minute of the family its impotant.but as i get older i want to dress more but cant seem to be able to.i love my wife of34 years i just wish she was more open to me being happy too.till i came here i thought that i was the only one who had this .if us older dressers had the support thats out there now who knows how we all would be happyer im sure .i love every one here. we are all alike just different places in our exprssion of our feminine selves.it makes me cry to know that you all are here to help and listen Love You All:hugs::cheer: KrissyXO-XO_XO

[Stephanie Julianna]

If you really love her you will have to tell her at some point. If she finds out on her own it could be explosive.

[MarinaKirax]

What you are going through is the PINK FOG. It can be very powerful, believe me. But it's destructive. Ultimately you will need to find some way to share this need with your life partner, but my advice right now is force yourself to dial it back, and take stock. Realize that your feelings right now may be a version of an obsession. Give yourself some breathing room, and find a safe, if less frequent means of getting your gurl on. Take that time to really, seriously think about how to introduce the subject, or the IDEA of the subject, to your wife. Maybe start wearing pink, or commenting on her shoes, or expressing an opinion on her clothing, or her nails. None of this is manly per-se, and may get her used to the idea you have a feminine side. Don't wait too long to let her in on the secret, because the longer it takes, the more she will feel misled and betrayed. There is away out of this, but letting your feminine desires dominate your behaviour will only lead you to embarrassment and confrontation. A little restraint (no, not that kind! ;) )will lead you to brief embarrassment, honesty, and perhaps a life free of guilt and freedom to be the person you want. Acceptance and trust CAN happen. If you chose a good woman, your odds are good. Go slow. MK

[Katey888]

As another secret girl I too know how hard it can be - and some of us can cope with that, others not so well...

If this pressure becomes so damaging to you, the advice here for a managed revelation is probably the only reasonable course of action - I feel for you, but your psychological health must be a priority if you are suffering so much... :hugs:

It won't be easy but it sounds like it would be for the best...

Katey x

[Stephanie47]

I think a good part of your angst is due to the fact you have no time to express yourself. Your anxiety is building up. At some point you're going to have to reveal yourself to her, either subconsciously leaving a fem garment out to be discovered to set the "talk" in motion or choosing the time and place for the "reveal." Only you, not us, can gauge how you wife will react. How does she view other lifestyle? Gays? Lesbians? Transgender discussions in the media or news?

If you have been married along time and have a lot invested in your marriage, your wife should have recognized your good qualities. Whenever the "reveal" occurs have your answers to the obvious questions thought out. Also, there is a world of different in a man indicating he would love to sleep in a nightgown and panty (forget the bra) and getting fully en femme in a dress, bra, panty, slip, hosiery, heels, wig and makeup. Good luck!

[Marcie]

I share many of the same feelings cindi and I have cross dressed for many years. Yes, in the past I have tried to quit many times , purging my assortments of female clothing. The feminine feeling always comes back. My wife is still unaware of my secret side of life and yes my marriage would be over if she found out. After much thought I know I am a cross dresser and must stay in the closet, only to come out when it is totally safe. I really enjoy my private times as "Marcie". At the time of this writing, my wife is away on vacation for a month. I am enjoying every minute of it, dressing everyday as the secret CD I know I am.
Enjoy your private times but remember to be very careful

[cindi_in_satin]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. At this time, I think the best course of action for me is to try and walk away from this for awhile. I tossed the few female things I had (bra, pantyhose, skirt and blouse) hoping that will help me tone it down for a bit. I'll admit, when the wife is out, it's very tempting, but I have to do this. I know this is something that will always be with me. Whenever I'm out shopping and have to pass by the womens' department, I always think to myself, "I'd love to wear that" or wish I could buy things out of catalogs that come for my wife. I'm so glad I found this site - it feels good to know I'm not the only one going through this.

[Susi]

I understand you, Cindi, because I've lived similar moments. Finally I've decided to continue with my crossdressing, and I'm trying now to take the strength enough to talk about it openly with my wife. She knows I like to wear women's underwear when I'm in bed with her, but my crossdressing needs are growing, and I need to develop them more openly.

However, I believe all decisions should be respected, and I understand yours. I can only wish you all the good luck.

[Sallee]

It is a hard thing to bring up I think most women can handle it pretty well at least on the intellectual level but when it is a partner it gets way more complicated Talking with a counselor at least by your self to start and then together when the therapist says it is time good luck I know the feeling

[VAWyman]

What's best way for wife to find out
a) womens undies & bra found in hiding hole while vacuuming, or
b) you have a nice dinner outing with her, share a bottle of wine and have a little chat about how you feel
c) you say it's cold, and ask if your allowed to wear yoga tights to keep warm and borrow "her" jumper
d) wait until she has invested most of her life, and planned a future with you, then drop her a bomb

There are probably a few other ways for wives to find out, and I reckon 99% of them do find out, so it's really about the method and timing that best suits you both.

I opted for option D. Not one of my brighter decisions.

[Tonya Rose]

Honesty is always the best policy! you would be a lot happier out of the cage!! and and if she cant accept it your both wasting you`re time..
Life is short! how much time of yours and hers do you want to piss away pretending nothing is going on? Be honest it`s your happiness after all!!! :hugs::2c:

[Angie G]

I have been where you are now Cindi. And I wish I could tell you how to go with this. I came out to my wife and it worked out good for me.I can't tell you to do that as I don't know your wife.Maybe you can put out some feelers to see how she feels about the subject. it may be nit so much a bad thing in her eyes. good luck with whatever you do hun.:hugs:angie

[girlbh44]

I know where exactly what you are going thru. I want so bad to come out to my wife but she is constantly giving me mixed signals. She makes comments that she wants her man to be a real man. Then, while selling off most of her 200 pairs of heels, she sells some to a guy buying for himself. He asks if she has a problem with him and she tells him she no that she is not judgemental. I hope you can make the right decision and everthing works out for you.


Girl

[Melody A]

It's always the safer bet to take a forthright approach. You have a better chance of some level of acceptance with coming clean over being caught red handed. There are, of course, no guarantees. I agree with Tonya. Honesty is the best policy.

Hugs,

Mel

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Cindi, hang in there and don't panic.

It does sound as if you're kinda fixated on the bleakest possible outcome- is she really that intolerant? Have you heard her condemning crossdressers, or others who don't fit the vanilla profile, transsexuals, gays of either sex, etc, etc? Does she make nasty comments when such characters appear in movies?

I understand your fear of alienating her- is there anyone you can trust to talk about this with? This forum is great, but there's no substitute for a real friend. Crossdressing is vastly more common than people suppose, and as Mikhaela says, you are not a freak, don't be ashamed of being in touch with your feminine side. Use that side to be the best husband you can be.

Hugs, Nikki

[AccidentalDresser]

Cindi.
My situation was and is very different to yours.
Reading through the posts of so many of the girls here I was really shocked at how many wives and girlfriends already knew or had some idea beforehand.
I would NEVER suggest that you out yourself to your wife because I have no idea how she will react but I know she will act a lot worse if she catches you out or even just suspects you are hiding something from her. She may be thinking the worst, affair or at least another woman or even that you may be gay if she has found your stash of clothing and said nothing.
Honesty is always the best policy because at least once you have been honest you won't be destroying your relationship or your wellbeing with the guilt you feel by hiding and living a lie