Melanie R
01-31-2006, 01:02 AM
I wanted to share the following dialogue that Mel/Melanie has had over the past week with a cousin who has always been like Mel’s only sister. I have deleted real names for privacy reasons. Out of this very intense dialogue by email has come in the last two days understanding and support from most of Mel/Melanie’s family. This is long but hopefully you all will gain something from my painful but rewarding experiences in dealing with family members.
Melanie sent this email to cousin: I am going to answer both of your emails almost line by line. See the bolded text for my replies.
First I want to emphasize that Peggy’s acceptance of me as Melanie did not come easy for her partly because I did not tell her until one month after we were married. She shed many tears but loved me and was going to make it work. It was especially difficult because she is one of the most conservative persons in her politics and religion of anyone you know. She loves me unconditionally and was determined to see the positives.
Have you lost your ever loving mind? What is going on with you and this cross-dressing stuff?. Have you made it your life line? I can't believe you have taken yourself so seriously. People always know when you are a man dressed as a woman. You definitely do not look like a woman - nor have you the right to think you are a woman. (All she has seen are pictures).
There were many times when I almost lost my mind trying to be who I am not. I might lose my mind if I could not express who I am. I for many years denied who I was. I was born a female but made into a male. My brain and emotions remained female. I am the greatest actor so you and everyone only saw this male person. The clothes are only an external manifestation of what is inside. Being who I am is my lifeline. You have never seen Melanie in person and no doubt never will so you can’t judge how I look. It is rare that anyone would ever see me as a man dressed as a woman. I have a right to be who I am and no one including you or anyone else can judge me.
It's okay when you are having a little fun with it and have made new friends who are acting or pretending that they are a woman.
Being Melanie is not about having fun and pretending to be a woman. The thousands of friends we have in the transgender community male and female are some of the most genuine and sincere people we know. These people are some of the most successful in the world and wealthiest. They include a NASA scientist, physicians, pilots, etc. Being “gender gifted” gives them abilities many people do not have. They are more like family than many of our “real” family members. We share time together as a deep, profound support system.
Have you ever had a child? Have you ever gone through 9 months of pregnancy and had all the pains and turmoil that goes with it? Have you ever raised your children from a baby to an adult doing all the motherly things from breast feeding to changing every diaper to washing by hand diapers and boiling them on the stove and then hanging them on the clothes line in freezing weather as had women of my age or older? Have you taught them about life - from going through toddler to pre-teen - to teen (boy or girl)? Have you taken them and picked them up after their parttime jobs, ball games, church and Sunday school, pick them up in the middle of the night when they have gotten sick over at a friends house? Have you ever completely taken care of them where you had no time whatsoever for yourself? This going to meetings and wearing women's clothes and makeup is definitely not being a WOMAN.
D (my deceased first wife) never wanted children – especially girls. She hated pregnancy and made certain she was out when she had both girls. I was the one who was there for the birthing without any drugs. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night. I was their mother and father. I did all the female things when they were growing up plus putting on the pretend to be a man during the day to earn a living. So many days if not years D hid behind her bedroom closed doors while I did all the work. I had very little time for myself. Even later after the divorce when DT (my daughter) skipped town for four months I was the mother and father for J (my grandson).
I have always said what you did in your own private time was your business and as long as it wasn't hurting anyone - that I could careless. But I think you are really getting delirious over this part that you are playing. I don't consider nor have I ever considered you being a girl or woman - nor did you ever act like one when we were growing up.
I am playing no part and this is not a play. I am who I am so accept it. As a child on Gostic I played dolls with the girls next door. On Hohldale I fought what was inside and attempted to act macho. I was very good at play acting. I play the part of “Mel” very well!
if you weren't playing this game and were looking from the other side of the picture seeing your wonderful cousin become or think he can become a woman simply by dressing like one and taking on a feminine voice and running with other great pretenders you would think they are nuts. Just picture B (her brother) dressing as a girl and using a feminine voice (which most actors can change their voices to sound like women if they are playing a part in the movie as a cross dresser or a drag queen ) couldn't you just see B in 2" Heels, nylon panties and slip and bra and a dress with ruffles or a nylon negligee and a silver curly o wavy wig and makeup? Well I couldn't nor could I see J (his wife) acting like his sister (especially when J has a sister that is really a sister). I don't think you would think it was so great.
If B or any cousin needed to resolve an issue with their gender, I would be very supportive. Just putting on the clothes, wearing makeup and changing ones voice does not make one a woman. What is a woman? You like most confuse sex with gender. The doctor made my sex male as he could have made it female. My gender is female but I have sufficient male gender to play the part of a man very well. Everyone has a proportion of masculinity and femininity. Mine is 70% femininity and 30% masculinity but Peggy has about the same ratio. Gender is between the ears while sex is between the legs.
As far as K (her daughter) she already has 3 sisters that are really her sisters. What has happened to Peggy's sisters? How do they like her playing the part of your sister?
When Peggy’s first book came out she gave L (Peggy’s sister) a copy to read. L read all or part of the book and said she could not accept this. That is her choice. We do not bring it up and neither does she. The other sister as far as we know does not know about Melanie. As you know my brother and his wife are accepting and have no problem being with Melanie as they will on our April 2 Dignity cruise. When we are in public sometimes it is more convenient to be introduced as sisters. Peggy is my wife, my best friend, my sister, my lover and my everything.
I'm sorry but I think you climbing up the wrong steps when you try to get us excited about this part that you and Peggy play part time. Like I said before you can do what you want to do away from us but around us none of us want to get involved. It has been getting deeper and deeper since Peggy said to me " Didn't you always want a close girl cousin. You know Mel played dolls with you - Well you know that is not true - If it had been it would have sent all of your cousins running - They would have thought you had lost your mind. Besides I had 3 girl cousins on the B and 6 girl cousins on the T side - I never played Dolls - I would rather swim - smoke grapevines - dig with you my favorite BOY cousin. I don't even think I played dolls with my girl cousins.
Anyway I love you but don't try to push this Melanie down my throat Okay? Just be your own natural self around me, namely
The bottom line is that as I grow older I do not have to be who everyone thinks I should be. It is natural to hope that people around you especially family can embrace you for who you are. I am who I am and fully accept myself. As Mel I am crossdressing and pretending to be a man as I pretended as a child and teenager. If any family members have a problem with this they can run as you say above. This is not part-time. I am Melanie all the time in my heart and emotions but only dress as a woman some of the time. I will continue to go around the family as Mel but only because this is the only way I am accepted by the family. My happiness is not built on acceptance by the family or anyone else. After many heart aches and disappointments over the years, I accept myself and so does Peggy, the love of my life. .
Dear Cuz,
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. But you and Peggy really want me to pretend you are Melanie and I told you when you first told me that you could do as you wish but that I didn't want to ever see you as anyone but my cuz, Mel.
At the time you said that was fine as L (Mel’s younger daughter) didn't want you to be Melanie around her.
As I said above I will continue to be around L and anyone else in the family the great pretender as Mel. I will play the part and do it well. Why do you think almost everyone on those girls I dated always asked me why I was so different from the other boys they knew. How could I know what they wanted? Now one of them knew why because I shared this part of me with her. That part of my history is in Peggy’s first book.
But lately Peggy has said don't you want a really wonderful girl cousin - Melanie would like to be herself around you. You have said more and more about Melanie . I just don't want you to think that Melanie could ever be my cuz that I grew up with. You definitely were a guy when you were in your late teens and early 20's and had more girl friends than Carter had pills.
If you are that desperate about being Melanie why don't you go get a full sex change than everyone would have to see you as you think and want to be.
It is this statement by you to get a sex change that drives too many to have the surgery just to validate that they are female. My surgery came at age one month when the doctor, Pediatrician, did the surgery to create the male and get rid of the female. Having the surgery would only put the “F” “female” on all my ID’s. Actually I could do this same thing without the surgery because that is who I am. I am content to express my femininity and true self whenever it is possible around people who accept me for who I am not how they want me to be. I do not know if you or many other family members can accept what I am saying.
I tried to get across if you were in our places how you would feel if one of us was going to be a different sex than we already were.
I will always accept you or anyone else for what you are and not what I think you should be! I am being who I am. No one would choose to be transgendered. No one would choose to go through the rejection and judgment of loved ones. This is not a life choice or a lifestyle but is a birth right. This is not a matter of sex but rather of gender.
Please just keep being Mel to your cousins' cause that's all they want from you just to be yourself.
I am sorry that I pushed too hard. I thought you wanted to understand this very important part of who I am. I only wish I had not hidden this from you so many years since you were always like my sister rather than first cousin. I will continue to be “Mel” around all of you but “Melanie” is also always present because that is who I am.. “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”.
Love,Mel/Melanie
This is the latest message from this cousin.
Dear MM, (This means Mel and Melanie – a first for this cousin)
I started answering your email and all of a sudden it just blanked out and I don't remember exactly what I said - so let me try to hit the high spot.
I am sorry you have had to endure both lives for all these years - it must have been terribly hard and thank God you have Peggy who could understand you and love you and be with you and help you. By George, she is angel!! Now I realize from my own stupid mind she has just been trying to make it easier on mine and your relationship. Though I am really a stubborn headed person and when I feel like I am being pushed I back up in the opposite direction. Please apologize to her for me.
It is sad that you couldn't let all of us (your family) know when we were younger and not quite as set in our minds. But Mel/Melanie always remember we love you for you not for you being a woman or a man. You are special!!! Maybe like you said you can see both sides of every question. At any rate I will close for now and be it Mel or Melanie I love you and will always love you as my favorite cousin.
Love,
D
Melanie sent this email to cousin: I am going to answer both of your emails almost line by line. See the bolded text for my replies.
First I want to emphasize that Peggy’s acceptance of me as Melanie did not come easy for her partly because I did not tell her until one month after we were married. She shed many tears but loved me and was going to make it work. It was especially difficult because she is one of the most conservative persons in her politics and religion of anyone you know. She loves me unconditionally and was determined to see the positives.
Have you lost your ever loving mind? What is going on with you and this cross-dressing stuff?. Have you made it your life line? I can't believe you have taken yourself so seriously. People always know when you are a man dressed as a woman. You definitely do not look like a woman - nor have you the right to think you are a woman. (All she has seen are pictures).
There were many times when I almost lost my mind trying to be who I am not. I might lose my mind if I could not express who I am. I for many years denied who I was. I was born a female but made into a male. My brain and emotions remained female. I am the greatest actor so you and everyone only saw this male person. The clothes are only an external manifestation of what is inside. Being who I am is my lifeline. You have never seen Melanie in person and no doubt never will so you can’t judge how I look. It is rare that anyone would ever see me as a man dressed as a woman. I have a right to be who I am and no one including you or anyone else can judge me.
It's okay when you are having a little fun with it and have made new friends who are acting or pretending that they are a woman.
Being Melanie is not about having fun and pretending to be a woman. The thousands of friends we have in the transgender community male and female are some of the most genuine and sincere people we know. These people are some of the most successful in the world and wealthiest. They include a NASA scientist, physicians, pilots, etc. Being “gender gifted” gives them abilities many people do not have. They are more like family than many of our “real” family members. We share time together as a deep, profound support system.
Have you ever had a child? Have you ever gone through 9 months of pregnancy and had all the pains and turmoil that goes with it? Have you ever raised your children from a baby to an adult doing all the motherly things from breast feeding to changing every diaper to washing by hand diapers and boiling them on the stove and then hanging them on the clothes line in freezing weather as had women of my age or older? Have you taught them about life - from going through toddler to pre-teen - to teen (boy or girl)? Have you taken them and picked them up after their parttime jobs, ball games, church and Sunday school, pick them up in the middle of the night when they have gotten sick over at a friends house? Have you ever completely taken care of them where you had no time whatsoever for yourself? This going to meetings and wearing women's clothes and makeup is definitely not being a WOMAN.
D (my deceased first wife) never wanted children – especially girls. She hated pregnancy and made certain she was out when she had both girls. I was the one who was there for the birthing without any drugs. I was the one who got up in the middle of the night. I was their mother and father. I did all the female things when they were growing up plus putting on the pretend to be a man during the day to earn a living. So many days if not years D hid behind her bedroom closed doors while I did all the work. I had very little time for myself. Even later after the divorce when DT (my daughter) skipped town for four months I was the mother and father for J (my grandson).
I have always said what you did in your own private time was your business and as long as it wasn't hurting anyone - that I could careless. But I think you are really getting delirious over this part that you are playing. I don't consider nor have I ever considered you being a girl or woman - nor did you ever act like one when we were growing up.
I am playing no part and this is not a play. I am who I am so accept it. As a child on Gostic I played dolls with the girls next door. On Hohldale I fought what was inside and attempted to act macho. I was very good at play acting. I play the part of “Mel” very well!
if you weren't playing this game and were looking from the other side of the picture seeing your wonderful cousin become or think he can become a woman simply by dressing like one and taking on a feminine voice and running with other great pretenders you would think they are nuts. Just picture B (her brother) dressing as a girl and using a feminine voice (which most actors can change their voices to sound like women if they are playing a part in the movie as a cross dresser or a drag queen ) couldn't you just see B in 2" Heels, nylon panties and slip and bra and a dress with ruffles or a nylon negligee and a silver curly o wavy wig and makeup? Well I couldn't nor could I see J (his wife) acting like his sister (especially when J has a sister that is really a sister). I don't think you would think it was so great.
If B or any cousin needed to resolve an issue with their gender, I would be very supportive. Just putting on the clothes, wearing makeup and changing ones voice does not make one a woman. What is a woman? You like most confuse sex with gender. The doctor made my sex male as he could have made it female. My gender is female but I have sufficient male gender to play the part of a man very well. Everyone has a proportion of masculinity and femininity. Mine is 70% femininity and 30% masculinity but Peggy has about the same ratio. Gender is between the ears while sex is between the legs.
As far as K (her daughter) she already has 3 sisters that are really her sisters. What has happened to Peggy's sisters? How do they like her playing the part of your sister?
When Peggy’s first book came out she gave L (Peggy’s sister) a copy to read. L read all or part of the book and said she could not accept this. That is her choice. We do not bring it up and neither does she. The other sister as far as we know does not know about Melanie. As you know my brother and his wife are accepting and have no problem being with Melanie as they will on our April 2 Dignity cruise. When we are in public sometimes it is more convenient to be introduced as sisters. Peggy is my wife, my best friend, my sister, my lover and my everything.
I'm sorry but I think you climbing up the wrong steps when you try to get us excited about this part that you and Peggy play part time. Like I said before you can do what you want to do away from us but around us none of us want to get involved. It has been getting deeper and deeper since Peggy said to me " Didn't you always want a close girl cousin. You know Mel played dolls with you - Well you know that is not true - If it had been it would have sent all of your cousins running - They would have thought you had lost your mind. Besides I had 3 girl cousins on the B and 6 girl cousins on the T side - I never played Dolls - I would rather swim - smoke grapevines - dig with you my favorite BOY cousin. I don't even think I played dolls with my girl cousins.
Anyway I love you but don't try to push this Melanie down my throat Okay? Just be your own natural self around me, namely
The bottom line is that as I grow older I do not have to be who everyone thinks I should be. It is natural to hope that people around you especially family can embrace you for who you are. I am who I am and fully accept myself. As Mel I am crossdressing and pretending to be a man as I pretended as a child and teenager. If any family members have a problem with this they can run as you say above. This is not part-time. I am Melanie all the time in my heart and emotions but only dress as a woman some of the time. I will continue to go around the family as Mel but only because this is the only way I am accepted by the family. My happiness is not built on acceptance by the family or anyone else. After many heart aches and disappointments over the years, I accept myself and so does Peggy, the love of my life. .
Dear Cuz,
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. But you and Peggy really want me to pretend you are Melanie and I told you when you first told me that you could do as you wish but that I didn't want to ever see you as anyone but my cuz, Mel.
At the time you said that was fine as L (Mel’s younger daughter) didn't want you to be Melanie around her.
As I said above I will continue to be around L and anyone else in the family the great pretender as Mel. I will play the part and do it well. Why do you think almost everyone on those girls I dated always asked me why I was so different from the other boys they knew. How could I know what they wanted? Now one of them knew why because I shared this part of me with her. That part of my history is in Peggy’s first book.
But lately Peggy has said don't you want a really wonderful girl cousin - Melanie would like to be herself around you. You have said more and more about Melanie . I just don't want you to think that Melanie could ever be my cuz that I grew up with. You definitely were a guy when you were in your late teens and early 20's and had more girl friends than Carter had pills.
If you are that desperate about being Melanie why don't you go get a full sex change than everyone would have to see you as you think and want to be.
It is this statement by you to get a sex change that drives too many to have the surgery just to validate that they are female. My surgery came at age one month when the doctor, Pediatrician, did the surgery to create the male and get rid of the female. Having the surgery would only put the “F” “female” on all my ID’s. Actually I could do this same thing without the surgery because that is who I am. I am content to express my femininity and true self whenever it is possible around people who accept me for who I am not how they want me to be. I do not know if you or many other family members can accept what I am saying.
I tried to get across if you were in our places how you would feel if one of us was going to be a different sex than we already were.
I will always accept you or anyone else for what you are and not what I think you should be! I am being who I am. No one would choose to be transgendered. No one would choose to go through the rejection and judgment of loved ones. This is not a life choice or a lifestyle but is a birth right. This is not a matter of sex but rather of gender.
Please just keep being Mel to your cousins' cause that's all they want from you just to be yourself.
I am sorry that I pushed too hard. I thought you wanted to understand this very important part of who I am. I only wish I had not hidden this from you so many years since you were always like my sister rather than first cousin. I will continue to be “Mel” around all of you but “Melanie” is also always present because that is who I am.. “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”.
Love,Mel/Melanie
This is the latest message from this cousin.
Dear MM, (This means Mel and Melanie – a first for this cousin)
I started answering your email and all of a sudden it just blanked out and I don't remember exactly what I said - so let me try to hit the high spot.
I am sorry you have had to endure both lives for all these years - it must have been terribly hard and thank God you have Peggy who could understand you and love you and be with you and help you. By George, she is angel!! Now I realize from my own stupid mind she has just been trying to make it easier on mine and your relationship. Though I am really a stubborn headed person and when I feel like I am being pushed I back up in the opposite direction. Please apologize to her for me.
It is sad that you couldn't let all of us (your family) know when we were younger and not quite as set in our minds. But Mel/Melanie always remember we love you for you not for you being a woman or a man. You are special!!! Maybe like you said you can see both sides of every question. At any rate I will close for now and be it Mel or Melanie I love you and will always love you as my favorite cousin.
Love,
D