"Waiting for the other shoe to drop"....

[Danielle Austin]

Please forgive this post, as I don't have much time to write before I go off to work.
But, I need to tell somebody, so I can pull myself together, stop crying, and carry on with my day.

My wife has known about my dressing for over 5 years. We've talked to couples therapists on and off.
I'm back in therapy again this year. I've told myself forever that I'm 'just a crossdresser'.
When my wife and I do talk about me, she always eventually comes around to the same phrase,
"I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."

I'm lying.. to her.. to everybody.. to myself.... and have been for a very long time time.
I'm scared.

[celeste26]

Well the other shoe is "I want to transition".

90% of "everyone else" has no right to question what clothes you wear.

Sometimes, I don't know is the most honest answer.

[Dawn cd]

She has spoken these words more than once, but suddenly you heard the words, deep within yourself. Question her about why she said this. Does she see more clearly then you do, or is she just projecting her fears on you? In any event, you don't have to decide everything at once. Live with the idea, and see if it fits.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Danielle.

I hear you. You are right to go to your therapist and do your best to get focused..
You can explore those last two sentences in your OP and make yourself really really sure that they are coming from inside you and not a reaction to what's being said to you.

No apologies required, you should share your thoughts and be willing to hear various opinions and then pick which ones resonate with you.

As somebody who spent almost 40 years being "just a crossdresser" in her mind, i very much relate to your last two sentences, that why i responded quickly.

Can i ask is your therapist someone that specifically works with gender identity issues??

[docrobbysherry]

I waited over 10 years deciding what to do about my growing interest in dressing and the desire to have real breasts before MY other shoe dropped! In my case, it turns out I'm simply a crossdresser.

Danielle, I know MANY trans that in their heart wish to transition but have chosen not to proceed down that path. Now, it's your turn to decide how important that is to u!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Danielle, thanks for letting us in on your feelings.

The way you put it, you don't seem to be in any doubt about crossdressing being a path as opposed to a destination. But I'm less clear about where you're really headed. One answer could be transition, but are there other possible answers? Are you finding yourself attracted to men for example? Are you in fact happy with the person you married, setting aside your gender questions? I can only make suggestions, but it is possible that a different line of therapy may be to explore what you might like to change in your life, in your goals. Transition is an extreme solution- be very sure that it isn't a red herring.

I hope you can let some of that pressure off soon- it must be devastating.

Big hugs, Nikki

[Natasha V]

I myself have been looking for the other shoe but I believe I will never find it because I'm still thinking I'm just a Cross dresser and can dance with one shoe. Lol

[KellyJameson]

Can you talk about the person you are "without the clothes" ?

In my opinion and I say this again "in my opinion" crossdressing can "heal or it can harm"

It can strip away the ability to "repress" your gender identity IF this identity was always there

or

It can cause identity confusion.

There seems to be something about the male identity that makes it very fragile and perhaps this is sensed by men and why they can become violent when their identity is threatened by things they sense may "emasculate them"

The pressure on men to be men is enormous and I think this role separates them from their humanity so they feel "cut off from themselves" and the experience of living.

I see men emulating women as a way to break down the mental defenses they have built so they can give themselves permission to be human by no longer being men as that rigid role they impose on themselves.

Crossdressing becomes a type of backdoor into their humanity. This is not being a woman and thinking so will only lead you into misery.

Clothes are not identity and you cannot make an identity out of them.

You may be scared because you feel the pull of an addiction that threatens your life and identity.

In my opinion give up the clothes, give up the desire to be sexy, beautiful , youthful and concentrate on who you are.

If you are a woman that woman was inside you long before there were clothes or anything they were or could be used for.

[Danielle Austin]

Yes, my therapist has experience with gender identity issues.

To all the replies from my post this morning, thank you, thank you.
I wise I could be half as insightful and articulate as so many on this forum.
I appreciate all the diverse opinions and experiences.
You've given me many things to think and talk about.

[Krisi]

So what is this "other shoe" you're talking about. What does your wife think this "other shoe" is?

Are you planning on living as a woman? Surgery? What does your wife think you're planning on doing?

Most crossdressers are exactly that, crossdressers. They like to wear women's clothes from time to time.