My dilemma

[Sarah Louise]

Ok, so here's my problem. I stopped dressing about the time I met my wife, roughly 22 years ago. A few months ago the desire resurfaced and I've been indulging occasionally since. I don't get much chance to dress and the need builds and builds over the weeks until I can't wait to dress again. I don't think the desire is going away.

I want to tell my wife because I don't like sneeking around behind her back. But I'm too scared that the reaction will be negative. I absolutely adore my wife and would be heartbroken if our marriage was damaged as a result. I'd like to think that she would accept me for who I am even if it was on a DADT basis - but honestly, I don't really know.

Has anyone managed to work out a likely reaction beforehand? Maybe you dropped hints or asked hypothetical questions? What makes a SO more likely to accept you on some level as opposed to one who doesn't?

[Suzie Petersen]

From my own experience and from talking to many many others over the years, it is close to impossible to predict the reaction. The one thing you can be sure of, is that it will change your relationship!

The "test the waters" philosophy of talking about the general issue, watching movies with a CD theme or things like that are not a safe test at all. Many wifes are perfectly fine with men dressing like women .. as long as it is not their own husbond! Very different story!

The only situation where it is totally safe to bring it up, is when you are 100% OK with whatever the consequences are. After 22 years of marriage, and "absolutely adoring" your wife, I bet you are not ready for the potential risk.

You need to work out in your own mind, before you talk to her, exactly where you think your dressing is taking you. She will have a million questions, but will only ask some of them. Based on that, she will generate the answers to the rest of the questions. If you dont know if you just want to dress now and then, or if you eventually want to transition, and you cannot answer some of the guaranteed to come base questions such as "Do you want to become a woman?" very firmly, then she will not know if she can trust you because it will seem that you are not even sure yourself.

If you love her, and want to continue being married in a classic man/woman relationship, your first priority after you open the Pandora's box will be to absolutely assure her that She is the Woman in the relationship and that you Love her unconditionally! Dont let her ever doubt that!

Just remember, there is no getting the cat back in the bag again ;)

- Suzie

[pamela7]

here are some ideas, seemed to work in my life ...

1. pacing is everything, so ask her to put on lingerie in bed ...
2. then use that to say you like the feel, how about you try ...
gradually lead, might take weeks or months,but worth it ...

no-one likes shocks, so a series of little steps allows shifts the mind-being can cope with.

xxx

[Meghan4now]

Sarah
You are going to get a lot of feedback on this one based on what I've read in the past. But the number one thing I would remember within all the advice is that only you really know your wife and your situation. So you will have to filter it out and see how it fits you own personal situation. Having said that I've kept things from my wife for a long time out of fear that it would become a wedge in our relationship. I had shared bits and pieces over the years and even buried any dressing for long periods. But I've never shaken it and filled my need vicariously on the internet. Like reading this forum for about 10 years off and on. Checked out flicker and blogs (Heidi Phox rocks by the way).
So what changed? Well life can knock you around a bit. My wife and I were talking about the bucket list and not waiting till we were dead. I opened up again and told her some about me and CDing. So she has agreed to some stuff but is not thrilled. Tolerant more than accepting. One other thing that I think helped is a few years back in a very rocky phase we both reconnected with our faith. Now I know this isn't a popular subject here but I can't even describe how much of an impact this had on both of us. I now take my faith very seriously and even pray for God guidance even with my dressing. I am not sure what the answer is yet, But I am sure God has a plan for me.
The marriage relationship is special and I believe that you are there to help each other be the best you that you can be. Consider that when evaluating how you want to move forward. And remember the commandment to love you neighbor as your self needs to start with loving your self.

[charlenesomeone]

Lots of threads on the "talk". Again you have to decide as only you know
your wife. Many stay closeted too, so do a search and get advice then make
your choice.
All the best

[kimdl93]

None of us know your wife. You must have some idea how she feels about such things in general. Even then, its different when you are talking in specifics. Of course, it isn't only a question of how she might react if you tell, but also of how she might react if she discovers on her own. Personally, I think you are marginally safer if you come out in a planned, thoughtful manner. But its up to you.

[NicoleScott]

I think Suzy Peterson nailed it. Another crossdresser's success or failure is no indication of how another's coming out will go.
I want to add that "baby steps" advise you might get probably won't include its pitfalls. Moving the boundaries bar in baby steps might send the message that you weren't honest at the beginning.
My coming out to my wife was by testing the waters and ready to shut it down if I sensed trouble. Better yet, she brought up the subject while reading about crossdressing in a magazine article. In a nutshell, she asked if I ever did it (yes), did I like it (yes) would I want to do it again? (yes). "SO DO IT!" The next day I was ordering a wig and high heels online.
It doesn't always go so well. My first wife couldn't be married to a crossdresser.

[Katey888]

Take care with this one Sarah... :hugs:

Nobody really likes subterfuge but sometimes it's a valid strategy. If you've been reading a lot of the positive stories on this forum, I'm sure that will be contributing to the feeling that your success is also positive... but I don't believe that's the case. Here's why...

Firstly, those who are unsuccessful or have a negative reaction really have little to share, here... whereas, of course, those who do have lots of nice shopping trips, weekends away, meals out.... yada, yada, yada... That's just the way people react and the nature of forums.. There are members here who have tried to show a balanced view of the 'dark side' but you have to realise it's hard for them to compete with only the semi-closeted nature of DADT and secret experiences versus those that get out into the muggle world.

Secondly, the vast majority of folk who join this forum are already out to their SOs in some form and largely experience some degree of tolerance - this may give a biased view of potential success in revelation. Again, it's the nature of forums attracting like-minded (and situated) folk. If you want to experience the flip-side of our forum (support for SOs who don't feel so enthusiastic about crossdressing - yes, there are some...) check out crossdresserswives.com - but be prepared for a healthy dose of vituperative spleen...

Finally - as has been said before - only you know your SO and your circumstance intimately enough to make a choice... read as much as you can here so that when you feel like you need to make a decision you do so with eyes open, and an understanding that the consequences will be unpredictable and may be radical - but know that revealing is NOT inevitable... there are many here who never have and never will.. :)

Take you time over this - don't let Forum Induced Courage get the better of you... ;)

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

Much sage advice here already when it comes to not taking the sucess or failures of others and trying to apply it to your own situation. In my case I came out to my wife after 23 years of marriage but I had no choice as my supressing, hiding or whatever you want to call it reached a point where I entered a very dark place. It went well for me and my wife and I have integrated Isha into our lives quite comfortably but that is now and who knows what the future will bring.

When it comes to the big reveal there is one certainty in that it will only go one of two ways: (1) acceptance on some level by your SO or; (2) the relationship will be damaged beyond repair, may end immeidately or sputter and die somewhere down the road. This is why I always adivise caution in making this decision. If you can live with dressing covertly now and then, get what you need from it, put it away and go back to being a wonderful and supportive husband only taking Sarah out now and then when required . . . then what is gained by the big reveal IMHO. You can live your life and still do what you need to feel good. However, if Sarah is so central to your life that she is pervasive in your thoughts to the point where you are neglecting your day to day functioning as a person and husband then hiding may only work for a short time. I am not talking about thinking you would like to dress more often, I am talking about not being able to dress is causing you great emotional turmoil (resentment, moodiness, apathy and depression). This is more indicative of something you need to express or you cannot be who you need to be. If you are at this juncture, I highly recommend seeing a gender identity therapist first to bring order to chaos, collect your thought and then it might (I stress) might be time for the big reveal.

Whatever way you look at it . . . caution, introspection, pro/cons are all good things.

Hugs and good luck.

Isha

[Claire Cook]

Sarah,

All of the above -- no two situations are the same in this dilemma. (Which probably doesn't help you much.) At least it's only recently that you begun dressing again, so you haven't been carrying this burden for years. As Katey and others have said, only you know your wife and your relationship over the years, and I guess that will be part of your guide in this.

Take care,

Claire

[Helen_Highwater]

Sarah,
Katey,as usual, makes some very valid points. Her comment, "but know that revealing is NOT inevitable... there are many here who never have and never will" fits my situation entirely. For my part my CD'ing fits around the normal demands of a marriage. It takes place without impacting upon the day to day events and undertakings that are all part and parcel of a relationship. True that limits my dressing and at times that can be a little frustrating but as well as I know my wife, to come out is too great a risk should things not go well.

I would counsel taking your time. See if there's room in your life for both aspects to exist side by side albeit with the dressing limited. What I would warn about is if like many closeted dresses you dress in those moments when you have the house to yourself, be prepared to be discovered. The forum is littered with "Came home early" stories.

I hope you can find a happy path to tread.

Helen

[mykell]

hi sara, one thing you can be sure of is that despite any reactions to a topic things change when they have skin in the game,
once it has a direct affect on someone all bets are off....no crystal balls....

i had suspected mine knew of my predisposition and she was bowled over by the revelation.....

only you know your wife....if you do decide to go forward feel free to ask for anything to help....

[pamela7]

Take care with this one Sarah... :hugs:
If you want to experience the flip-side of our forum (support for SOs who don't feel so enthusiastic about crossdressing - yes, there are some...) check out crossdresserswives.com - but be prepared for a healthy dose of vituperative spleen...


Thank you Katie, I've visited the site, with my wife, and wow yes it is indeed an interesting other side of the coin, with very valid points of view. We can get so caught up in our urges and desires that we disregard the impact on others.

[docrobbysherry]

Sarah, if you're a closet dresser like me? I only tell folks on a "need to know" basis.

If u r comfortable sneaking around and/or can simply give up dressing when necessary? Don't tell.

If u r uncomfortable sneaking, can't give it up, and/or r worried about getting caught? Tell and hope for the best!

[Jenniferathome]

Sara,

There is no way to "hint" yourself into acceptance. Cross dressing is not in your wife's lexicon. I highly advise against the notion of making this bedroom play. She will see it as a kink. She may allow it or not allow it, but she is not thinking "Ah, maybe he's a cross dresser." No, she is thinking, "Bob is really weird tonight."

As for the possible outcomes of such reveal, as is clearly evidenced in this forum, it is NOT cross dressing but many other offensive behaviors that causes wives distress. Read the Loved One's section. You can see it clearly. Wives hate the secrecy or lying, not the act. This is not to suggest they get it, they don't, but that's fair. There are even women still here that have left husbands BUT NOT because of the cross dressing. Relationships don't evaporate because of cross dressing. Relationships end because there is more strife prior to the reveal. How is the foundation of yours? THAT'S what will determine your future.

[MsVal]

Hello Sarah,
I used to be a 'Full and Complete Disclosure' evangelist, but I've mellowed quite a bit.

*IF* you choose to disclose your crossdressing, please consider having a private, serious talk about your life before marriage, what you ceased to do, and what has recently begun to gnaw at you. You should be prepared to give a truthful answer every question she may have, even if the answer puts you in a bad light. In the end, your honesty and candor will breed trust and acceptance.

Have you considered your wife's point of view? I believe it would be quite helpful to present your information from her point of view, rather than your own. This is not to say that your own feelings should be disregarded, but be careful to give priority to hers.

Whatever you choose to do, Sarah, I hope you find happiness.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Beverley Sims]

You can gauge reactions by suggestion but the final reveal is in the crystal ball category.
You will have to work it out once you get your wife's reaction.
Only take little steps, do not come out fully dressed and say ta, da, hi it's me.

[Jorja]

My suggestion would be to mention some situations involving crossdressing and see what her reaction is. If it is favorable, just come clean and tell her all.

[Tina_gm]

A positive initial reaction is not likely. The reason being is that you have been married for a very long time and now you will be introducing a major change into her life. Regardless of how liberal or conservative your wife may be, that too is not always definitive in a good or bad outcome. My wife is very socially conservative, but hasn't left me over CDing. Then again, I am in a modified DADT type of arrangement. It is more of a don't show type of arrangement actually, I think there is an acronym for it on here, but I cannot remember what that it is at the moment.

My advice is that you do not apologize for being who you are. You can and probably should apologize for not telling her. Regardless that you had not dressed for many years, it has been a part of your life, and now is again. It will be a better outcome for you to tell her than for her to discover it. But that outcome cannot be guaranteed to be a good one.

Please remember that there are so many different aspects to the reveal than merely the dressing aspect itself. Those aspects are likely as big of a hurdle if not bigger than the actual dressing aspect. There will be hurt from her not knowing this about you. There will be a sudden change, which sudden unexpected change is simply difficult for anyone, no matter what that change is. Social issues will play a part. How might her friends/family react if they end up knowing etc etc.

Remember that this was likely dormant for you for many years because you made it dormant. You buried it, successfully for a long time. But CDing is almost never truly ended, or the desire to anyway. It can be made dormant for some time, but somehow it always seems to resurface sooner or in your case later.

Don't put false limitations on yourself for immediate acceptance. In other words, don't tell her I only want to do this or that, or won't ever this or that, when you think you might someday, or want to. Don't scheme. If you don't know, tell her you don't know.

Remember that your wife will react as individually as she is an individual. She may be ok with certain aspects, but not ok with others. Those might not always be typical, or it may appear random, and it may be random. In time, that will be part of any compromise and agreements made. Finding ways where you can express yourself yet in ways where she can feel not so uncomfortable. Take your time, be as prepared as you can be. Another month or so after 22 years will not matter much. One last thing.... her acceptance or tolerance will likely be at a slow pace, as it has been for you. It will also likely not be constant. There will likely be days where she feels less ok about it than other days, just as you have likely felt at times.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Some excellent advice already so here's how I see your situation - and I speak as someone who outed himself to his wife quite recently.

You say that the need builds and builds and that you can't wait to dress again. I'm not seeing anything in that that sounds like you're depressed, overly anxious, miserable or even desperately frustrated about it, it just sounds like you're enthusiastic.

You understandably don't like sneaking around behind your wife's back, but you are very anxious not to risk spoiling your otherwise happy marriage by telling her.

Right now, to me, this looks like a no-brainer. If you get to the stage where you believe you are going to burst a real psychological spring by keeping it in any longer, then you certainly have to face the decision, but for now I think you would be wiser to bide your time. However with that decision comes the ongoing risk of being discovered. Therefore I suggest you increase your vigilance, take even fewer chances, and double the stash-security. Buy yourself some more time. Don't rush into something you might regret, not unless it really becomes necessary.

Good luck, Nikki

[Sarah Louise]

Thanks everyone for your views. Certainly in the small amount of time on this forum, I've Iearned what great support everyone gives. All very sensible suggestions. Nikki's right, my situation isn't making me depressed or anxious. I just enjoy dressing when I get a chance. Just a shame I can't indulge more often. So I think I'll not rush into anything. Tomorrow is my first chance this year to dress so really looking forward to that! I have a new skirt and blouse I've been wanting to wear for what seems like ages.