Back from the brink

[Aprilrain]

Hi everyone. I was going to share this in Lea's thread about suicide but thought it would be more helpful? Here, I don't know, you decide.

Wednesday February 3, I went to see my shrink who happens to run a psychiatric hospital, that is also where his office is. Needless to say he asked me how I was doing and I told him I was depressed which was probably pretty obvious anyway. He asked me if I'd been having suicidal thoughts and I admitted that I had. He ask me if I had a plan...duh! I had about half a dozen plans none of which sounded all that appealing and I didn't think I'd go through with it but I also didn't realize how bad I'd let my depression get. I'd quit taking my anti-depressants cold turkey, not one of my better ideas. He barely talked me into signing myself into the hospital. They took my phone, my purse, my shoes, I didn't even care I just wanted to sleep. I was admitted at about 10am and slept most of the day and that whole night too.

The next day I woke up and wondered why I'd volunteered for jail! The psychiatrist who ran that part of the hospital, we'll call her "Nurse Ratchet", came in my room and introduced herself and immediately started talking about meds, which was the last thing I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about getting the **** out of there!! Needless to say the conversation was short. I asked her to leave. I ended up liking her and (tail between my legs) talking about and taking the meds. Heck I've only picked up one new med since I've been here and it for migraine prevention, I digress.

So long story longer, I spent a very loooooooooooooooooooooooong and boring week.......
Ok let me paint a picture for you of what the psych ward looks like, in case you haven't had this...experience yourself.
Take all color, texture, joy and reason for living and throw it out the window. Think linolium and florecent lights EVERYWHERE! Your practically begging them to shoot you up with Thorazine just to deal!
Now remove anything that you could remotely hurt yourself with like dental floss and crayons.
Speaking of remotes, we weren't allowed to have that either because, and you will never believe this but it's true, someone might try to eat the batteries. O_o
Did I mention that it was a little boring ?
I'm convinced that the whole experience is designed to get depressives like me to go, "What the **** do I have to be depressed about?!?" It's all a matter of perspective.

Anyway. Now I'm in a MUCH better place both literally and figuratively. I've moved to a 10 day inpatient environment in a really nice setting. Its been really good for me so far, I'm really working through the shame I still have around being trans and my depression is well controlled again.

There's alot more to the story but I'm tired and I think this is the relavent bit. The moral of the story is if you need help don't be afraid to ask, it's out there, you DO NOT have to suffer alone, it's not as bleak and hopeless as it seems and your worth it!

[Heather25]

April,

Glad you had the courage to admit your state of mind. I tend to believe that is a very difficult first step. I'm glad you are feeling better and on a positive track. Just goes to show the importance of having someone you can talk to and trust!

[PretzelGirl]

It is difficult to accept that you can get help when you are feeling this way. I am very glad you went to the right person. It will always be a "please keep talking" kind of thing as retreating into our own thoughts is where things can really get bad. I hope you feel confident and safe in going out soon and get to enjoy some stability in those feelings.

[Eringirl]

Oh my April. So sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. But sometimes karma, life (enter whatever noun you like) has a way of providing what we need when we need it. Glad that you did have courage to lay it all out there and get some help. So glad that you are feeling better and stronger and in a better place. Keep us posted if you like.

Be well,

Erin

[Sandra]

April I'm sorry you are going through all this...don't ever forget that we are here for you :hugs:

[kimdl93]

April, having been on the brink myself, I'm so glad to hear that you summoned the resolve to seek and accept help.

[Andy66]

April, Im so glad you got help and are starting to feel better. You really do have people who like and care about you, just the way you are.

[Bria]

April, I'm glad you are feeling much better! I have a daughter that is dependent on medication for proper brain function. A couple of times she has stopped taking medication, it doesn't end well. Depression really sucks, I've been in a mild case myself and its difficult to see how it will get better. I my case, the situation that was the problem mitigated and so did the depression.

I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Rachel Smith]

Good work April. You took the proper steps and that sure beats the alternative, I know that without question. I didn't much care for the physc ward either but then again we were allowed to have the remote, :tongueout. I did find out you only get out of it what you put into it. Once I realized I was not getting out without making an effort it went much better and I learned somethings about myself.

[Nigella]

April, you have found one of the most important things to helping you, that is to understand that there is an issue and there is help available . Your experience reminds me of the old kill or cure mentality of the early years and I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Please use the help that is available to you, and yes that includes the outpouring of support from this forum. I know that they are just words in cyberspace, but each and everyone has been said with love and hope, and girl, its all for you. :love:

[Starling]

Sending love out, April.

:) Lallie

[KellyJameson]

I'm one of those "sensitive types" so feel everything deeply. I was born that way so know it has something to do with how my nervous system works and what has shaped my temperament. I have no doubt in my mind that this has contributed to the reasons why I so deeply identified as female starting in childhood and why this identification never left me.

We are resilient creatures but also fragile. Pre-transition this fragility can kill you by your own hand or otherwise but it is still dangerous even as a post-op.

In my opinion transitioning does not solve this but does make it possible "to solve" where before it was impossible.

Your words are very illuminating

"Take all color, texture, joy and reason for living and throw it out the window".

This is that sensitivity I'm talking about.

I suppose you could say I managed my GD by transitioning even though it would be the same as saying a drowning person managed their drowning by clawing their way back to the surface of the water.

We must learn to "manage ourselves" for the fragile strong creatures that we are. There are blessings that come with being born transsexual "If you can survive it". In many ways we suffer even more than cis-gendered women with our "inner world"

For myself I'm very careful who I associate with and never allow myself to be exploited, used, manipulated or in any shape or form "violated". Relationships MUST be healthy and only with healthy people or it makes me SICK.

Where I live is also important. I must live in a vibrant, liberal community free of many of the more obnoxious attributes of civilization such as everything paved in concrete or covered in billboards and blanketed in pollution (Think L.A)

Remember your comments about your experiences in Oregon years ago on this very forum. Our environment can kill us.

Our bodies are an environment that can kill us but it does not stop with the body but extends outward in all directions. You have made the most important change to change your environment through transitioning and in a sense you could call this "building a life" because transitioning for a woman (and you are most certainly a woman) opens the door "to life" but the building (transformation) is only beginning.

You are entering the next chapter of your life. It's work, to be sure but it also holds promise.

Transitioning is not the END but the BEGINNING. The question I had to answer was

"Now What?"

Still trying to answer that but the fact that I can ask that question is very exciting to me.

It is an unknown luxury.

[Marleena]

April I'm so glad you sought help for the way you were feeling. I remember a post of yours a couple weeks ago that I replied to that had me worried. I'm glad things are on the upswing for you because I admire you for what you have achieved.:) You have lots of friends here that want the best for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

April i am really glad you are feeling better!!

I'm especially glad you are in a good frame of mind and thank goodness you got yourself good care!!

[AllieSF]

Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing your personal battle.

[Rianna Humble]

Loads of people have said better than me how glad we are that you sought help. I'm very sorry that you got to a stage where you felt that suicide was an attractive option.

Please use us as part of your support network, there are plenty of members (myself included) who care about you even though we may only have met on-line. You are important to us.

[DebbieL]

When I was 21, I was in a very similar place. In less than 9 months, my father got drunk, hit my mom, and the cops took him to jail, while my brother and sister sat on me to keep me from hurting him badly. He went into a detox, then admitted to embezzling from our church, my brother joined the army and tried to kill himself in boot camp (using one of the techniques in the army suicide manual), my sister got pregnant and needed an abortion, my mother filed for divorce and sold the house for about 60% of it's fair value to a speculator, my fiance left me the day after she realized that I was transgender, and I had been fired 18 times and moved 14 times - all in 24 months.

I really did want to end it, but I ended up acting out my hitting my sister. My mom gave me the choice of psych ward or jail. She took me to the psych ward and they put me on a 72 hour hold and did evaluations. At one point they even put an isolation room aka padded cell because I was telling the suicidals how to kill themselves using effective means. After observation, they put me in daily group therapy for 6 hours a day 5 days a week, living in a half-way house, and very lightly medicated.

After 6 months, I was holding a good job in sales where I was lead sales associate in my department, and thriving. I even went back to college. In November 77, I did almost kill myself a few times, and when they asked what was REALLY going on I told them I wanted to be a girl. Back in those days we didn't have words like Transgender, Gender dysphoria, and Gender Identity Disorder was considered acute psychosis. I wasn't even allowed to discuss it with my therapists.

The most important thing, however, was that I realized I had a drug and alcohol problem, and needed to quite entirely. I was a 90 wonder for a couple years, getting between 90 days and 6 months, but having trivial slips with horrible consequences. In 1980, I finally quit entirely. When I did the 12 steps, I had to 5th step with my sponsor, and had written all about being transgender (not in those terms of course- they didn't exist).

Many transgender people, and especially transgender males, experience some emotional difficulties which are often handled with self medication such as booze or recreational drugs. When a transgender person thinks that they will have to spend the rest of their lives hating what they see in the mirror, it's very easy to experience situational depression, and even think some unhealthy thoughts of self-destruction. This is why it's so critical that we get therapy from people with whom we can safely and openly talk about our transgender nature.

We often have to deal with the addiction and mental health issues before we can take on the instability and emotional and physical pain of transition.

[Suzanne F]

April,
I suffer from bi polar disorder and have been hospitalized several times over my life. I have taken the same regimen of medicine for the last 9 years and have not been hospitalized during that period. Yes since coming out 2 years ago I have been emotionally more stable but I know that I still need my medicine. I hate taking it at times but I owe my family a stable functioning person even if a little less creative. I also know that after I fully transition I will still be bi polar. Please continue to treat your depression. As Kelley stated we have a life to live now!
Suzanne

[arbon]

Those places are so much fun :) Only been once and it was long time ago. They only kept me a week and I remember I would not talk to anyone when I was there. Going there at all was not my choice.

I am glad you are still with us and I hope things improve. Your one of my favorite people here.

[Karen62]

April, when I was still buried in shame, I was a lurker on these forums for a long time and you were one of the voices who spoke wisdom and clarity to me. You are one of the reasons I am here today, finally emerging out of the shadows, starting my own walk on the path toward my own transition. My heart aches for you and your pain. I wish there was something I could do that was meaningful, but I just wanted to let you know you recognized as important, loved and respected by people you don't even yet know. I am glad to read that you've turned a corner with this. I wish you all the power to heal, to feel better, and to know in your heart that you are cared for by the amazing people in this forum.

All the best to you, April. You deserve it!

Hugs,

Karen

[Cindy J Angel]

I am so glade u are ok please please please next time got on hear and talk to us i have been worrying about u for a while. I hope u know that we all care for u and how u r doing. We all have r struggles and u r not alone in this world. YOU YES YOU GIRL MEAN A LOT TO ALL OF US. We read what u say and it helps us move along so please talk to us next time u feel blue. Love cindy

[donnalee]

So sorry to hear of your troubles and glad you were able to deal with them, if even in a temporary way. Just remember that life is a process of repeatedly getting through 'til Tuesday.
I hope you continue to feel better.

[charlenesomeone]

April, so glad you are doing better. Hope it continues.
Hugs

[Aprilrain]

Thank you everyone. It really means a lot to me to read your words of encouragement and support. I'm in in a much better place now and feel a hundred percent better. I just want others who might be struggling to know there is hope. We all face seemingly insurmountable challenges often times all at once! It's ok to accept help. Sometime that help might be a bitter pill to swallow (like the psych ward) but it might be what we need.

[Cindy J Angel]

Hay gf how u doing today we are thinking of u keep a smile on your pretty face. Sunsine love Cindy

[becky77]

Hi April

I did wonder how come you had gone quiet and the picture is a little disconcerting. I hope you will be ok, you need to give yourself more credit it's been a tough year for you!

x

[Bria]

:hugs:April, here's hoping that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is better than today!

And here's a big hhuuuuu gggggg!

Hugs, Bria

[Cindy J Angel]

Good morning April gusts a not to say hi and let u know we r thinking of u aver day love cindy

[Suzanne F]

Hi April. Just thinking of you!
Suzanne

[ReineD]

April, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling depressed and I admire your courage and dedication in being honest about it to everyone here. Good for you and I'm glad you feel better! :hugs:

[Kate T]

I think that the world is a beautiful place and every one of us has our own individual beauty. Please don't ever leave this place before we have had a chance to appreciate all of yours. :hugs:

[Cindy J Angel]

Hay Apirl hope your days a going good sunny here in NC. Thinking of u. Iam pretty sure aver body would like to here from u if u get time. Keeping u i my thoughts love cindy

[Aprilrain]

So I get out tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good about it, I know it's not going to be all butterflies and unicorn farts but I feel that I have some pretty good tools and the worst of its behind me.
Anyway, thanks everyone for your support.

[Cindy J Angel]

So good to here that April we miss u hope to here from u soon. Keep up the work and we r here if u need us love cindy

[angpai30]

I'm enticed to listen to what you have to say as many of us don't have the words to express how we truly feel for fear of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You had an experience that was life building and even helpful to many who deal with depression on a daily basis. I love your strength and courage for taking the time to lay out your struggles, fears and needs.

[Aprilrain]

So I'm out of the clink, back in the real world. I'm actually going to miss all the people I met there. Both the staff and patients were great and it was a worthwhile experience. my psychiatrist asked if I'd be interested in doing anything like speaking with professionals in the industry about trans and our needs and issues. She felt I'd be good at it. I think I'd enjoy doing that as long as it wasn't to large a crowd. I spoke candidly with a lot of the staff who were genuinely curious and wanted to learn about me and trans people in general. I decided to share with a few of the other patients and was very well received on all three occasions and will be staying in contact with those ladies.
For any of you who might be feeling self conscious about your height, all I can say is don't! That place was filled with Amazonians! One staff member was like 6'2 at least. I made fast friends with a beautiful Nordic goddess of a woman who was 6' and there were probably 1/2 a dozen women around 5'10.
Anyway, time to take the skills I've learned and apply them

[Cindy J Angel]

That is so good to here gf we welcome u back love cindy