Spouse Acceptance

[Mary Poppins]

I feel like I'm in a situation where my wife has confronted me and stated that she doesn't mind me dressing up as a woman but more of like the celeb "Eddie Izzard" or glam rock type of look and that isn't me. She told me that it would be very difficult to accept my choice if I was to try to be passable. Any thoughts or ideas? Yes, we are both going to joint counseling to a LGBT Therapist in a week and a half but this who thing has me spooked and almost feels like the scenario I had over ten years ago with an ex-girlfriend. I love her very much but I feel like this is kind of a double standard. Dress like a woman but still look manly.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Mary,

I think she feels threatened by your dressing. Quite common and probably understandable. "why do you need to dress like a woman when you have her"?? Is she not woman enough for you?

If you want to dress like Eddie Izzard, or someone from Kiss or .. a fireman or something, then it is just a game, just fun, not threatening to her position as the female in the relationship.
But .. look like a girl for real and you are stepping on her turf. Cant do that!

[kimdl93]

Sounds like one of many topics that would be appropriate for discussion. She has expressed a feeling, not staked out a boundary. She's certainly entitled to feel unsure about her ability to accept, but you're equally entitled to feel if something is right for you. Talk about it, understand her fears and maybe in the process her apprehensions will begin to diminish.

[RADER]

Spouse Acceptance has been a sore spot for everyone at one time or another.
My wife and I had an agreement, dress as you want, but stay home, and do
not embarrass her by going out.
That was OK with me, I could never pass anyway.
O' And do not shave my chest hair; That belong to her, and she like running her
fingers through it.
Maybe work out an arrangement where you get to dress once in a while.
Rader

[GinaFox]

I think I said this in an earlier post to another thread, but one of the things that attracted me to my wife was the sense that she'd understand when I told her. I'd been with someone else (not married) in another city the last seven years, never told her, felt bad about it, but knew I'd never marry her. When I met my wife and we started talking about marriage (she proposed), I decided I wouldn't marry anyone or even try being close to them without telling them. So I did. Most of her friends were gay, she was on the board of the local AIDS charity, not as much of a feminist as me but liberal, even radical in all sorts of ways. I thought sure she'd understand and accept. But she's a strong-willed person who expresses opinions freely (another thing I like about her), and she wasn't at all happy to hear it. Was amazed (apalled?) at the quantity of women's clothing I had when I moved in with her. I donated it all shortly after, having already told myself I'd quit my lifelong hobby when I turned 50 anyway, and I was there. She really got upset the one time I fell off the wagon years ago and she found a fingernail in the glove compartment. As much as I enjoy dressing, I didn't enjoy so much disharmony at all. I'm a Libra, after all. So I haven't dressed since -- until this recent trip for work. I'm headed home now and back into the closet, maybe waiting for another trip abroad. Discovering this forum is like finding another way to be a crossdresser, by talking it out with y'all. Thanks for the chance! I won't be talking about it with my spouse.

[Sandra]

She needs to know how you really feel and that the way she wasn't you to appear is not what you want. Time to sit down and have a honest chat with her, answer her questions for yourself don't give the answers you think she wants to here.

She could also join here and talk and have support from the other wives/partners that are on this site.

[sometimes_miss]

but one of the things that attracted me to my wife was the sense that she'd understand when I told her..
I thought the same; my ex wife loved wearing t shirts and jeans, with sneakers. No make up. Liked playing with my tools, enjoyed driving my truck. She preferred men stuff. But of course, insisted that was different from me preferring woman stuff. Double standard, really; she could embrace all kinds of guy behavior, but I wasn't allowed the reverse. Seems to be quite common with women when it comes to clothes.

[GinaFox]

Thanks, Sandra. Good advice. But I'm not sure it's worth the trauma. My wife is strong, but a bit fragile in health and sometimes spirit these days. Plus, we've just gone through a very big move to a new place and will be very occupied with new things. As much as I enjoy dressing, we have so much more to enjoy. I'm not ready to force it on her, and not sure my little fling dressing again on this current trip away will lead to more of it again. I've been thinking of it as a farewell tour. I know that sounds like foolhardy wishful thinking, but there's just not room for it now.

[Beverley Sims]

I can dress fully and be accepted one minute but the next......

You can't wear that wig out, you are okay otherwise.

I sometimes wonder what vision my wife has of me.

A man in a dress?

[Jeri Ann]

My first wife was totally unaccepting. Once, during a heated discussion about my dressing,
she cried out emotionally, "You are prettier than I am." It was not true, she was a beautiful woman,
but it was her perception. We could have had a blast doing girl things together without the
burden of scrutiny or disclosure but she felt that she would appear plain next to me which was preposterous.
Sadly, we never got past the issue. Seek every opportunity to let her
know that she is beautiful and special.
Good luck,
Jeri

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Glam might not be your preferred look, but you're looking a gift horse in the mouth if you make a big thing out of this. Frankly she's giving you an astonishing chance, a chance which few of us are given by our SOs, and I'd urge you to lower your sights and accommodate her. You can tone it down, surely? There's always the possibility that she won't be able to accept Eddie Izzard in her living room either, but you won't find out unless you try.

I'd suggest involving her closely in the fantasy, letting her help choose clothes, helping with make up- that way it's a team thing, and you might so enjoy that aspect that the final look might be a little less important than you anticipate.

Sounds like fun!

[Rhonda Darling]

I'm not ready to force it on her, and not sure my little fling dressing again on this current trip away will lead to more of it again. I've been thinking of it as a farewell tour. I know that sounds like foolhardy wishful thinking, but there's just not room for it now.

Gina, I'm the "Gina" voice in your head: I'll be back!

The point being, it won't go away, it won't be tamed, it is you. Find a way to be true to yourself or you'll regret it as much as you'll detest being controlled.

[Welshgirl]

I really agree with Nikki - you have been offered a clear opening into CDing at home, and if that is what you want to do, then this sounds like a good place to start. Don't make the mistake of thinking that it has to be all or nothing. You might well find that this is just a first step towards what, for you, would be a much more fulfilling way of dressing. Right now it is not exactly as you want it, but it is certainly better than nothing at all. Treat it like baby steps - your wife has had a lot less time that you to get used to the idea, and this is a change that you are imposing on her, so if you take things very slowly and gently then you are much more likely to be able to expand your dressing repertoire than if you go in with an "all or nothing now" approach.