Does your SO know your a member

[Vinni]

Hi all.
I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept of asking my wife to join this wonderful newly discovered forum. Would anyone mind sharing some thoughts? I always want to be open with her but I know I would lose the ability to ask for help here without her knowing. I tend to over think things. Or so km told. Thanks for any replies.

Vinni

[franlee]

Oh yes! She was all for it to and help me to decide it was the right thing for me to do. It seems that she understands that she can't supply the needs to relate on a common plane as other CDer's can. So she is alright with the way things have enlighten me and helped with my self expression and friends I've made here.

[WhitneyCD]

Not a chance, I would be terrified to ask and know she would not only be uninterested, but not supportive either.

[celeste26]

I still haven't gotten my wife to come here and read.

[flatlander_48]

Yes, my wife knows and she is also a member here...

[DanaR]

My wife knows that I'm a member here, but she isn't interested in joining. She's been to many CD events that I've gone to, that's about all of the involvement that she does.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife joined but chooses not to participate. basically, she has no questions and needs no reassurance. My question for you is, why would there be a question you want t ak here that you can not ask her? Why would she care that you are asking questions?

[Erika Lyne]

Vinni,

Yes my wife knows. It was actually an idea that she had. We fought for years trying to come to terms with this side of me. She suggested a support group. I had very little luck finding one where we could commit to meetings and gatherings, time constraints have always been difficult for us to keep. So, through a bit of digging online, I found a few sites like this one. Here, the people seem to be more consistently friendly and helpful. I showed my wife my finding, we lurked in the shadows for about a week. I asked her if she thought we could join, if not could I join for peer support. She agreed to my joining and would think about herself joining. She too is a member now.

That is the obvious and can be found in most of her and my posts. We are here as a couple. We respect eachother and honor our commitment to one another. However, what you do not see in our posts is the communication that has opened up since we have joined just about a month ago. We used to go round and round, same aruguements, same verbal attacks, same defensive posture. This site has brought a new light into our discussions, a new respect for eachother, fewer digs at eachother and much more productive conversations with eachother.

Now, this has all worked for us. It may, it may not work for you. You know your wife best. If you really look around the threads, you will notice that many of the CDers have limits imposed upon their dressing by their spouses. Many are fine with these limits. Many have found a happy place for themselves while still holding their commitment to their relationship. So, think long and hard about how your wife will respond. If she may be understanding, then I'd say go for it. If you think there is no way in the world you think she'd tollerate any of this, maybe you should keep this to yourself. Either way, people here will support you, not everyone all the time but always some will.

About the questions you'd like to ask... Yes, there will come a time, if she is a member that you may have something you want to just throw out there for the members to sound off about but your wife may see it and it could get you into hot water. This is definitely a risk. I've already come across this exact scenario (not with a thread I've started but a post on another thread) and you may have to look at it as an opportunity to communicate rather than a chance to fight.

Best of luck,
-E

[ReineD]

The benefit in having you both join is the ability to discuss the threads you read, to see what applies to your situation and what doesn't, and to use these threads as a springboard for discussions on how you feel about some of the issues.

I gather you want to ask certain questions that you're afraid your wife will read because you don't want her to get the wrong impression (thinking that you may want to take it further than she is comfortable with)? A word of advice: let your wife know where you're at with all of this. Trust me, it will be easier on your relationship in the long run if you do.

But … if there are certain things you'd like to discuss that are truly private (for example if you're feeling frustrated with how your wife looks at the CDing, or if you have fantasies that you only want to discuss with other CDers), then there is a private GM (genetic male) forum you can join.

There's also a private forum for your wife to join (FAB - female at birth), if she wants to process some of her feelings with other GGs (our shorthand for genetic girls).

[Vala]

When I had the big talk with my wife after she found out about my cding I spilled every bean so this forum was one of them, and although she is perfectly fine with me being a member here she isn't interested at all to join. She rather talks to me about the subject or one of her chat friends (A guy that has no relation to me, our friends, family or what so ever)

[bridget thronton]

Yes she knows I belong this forum

[Andrea Renea]

Yes, my wife knows. She doesn't want to join

[Leighcdmd]

After reading so many of the unhappy posts onthe SO forums, I would be scared to death to have my wife join. It has taken decades to reach our current state of detente. Don't want to screw that up.

[Beverley Sims]

I would not worry about asking her to join, if she is interested she will ask and would be reading some of the posts you submit.
As you have just discovered it let it be seen on your computer and get a reaction from from your wife at a later time.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Don't make her feel obliged to join. If you need to tell her you've joined a crossdressing forum, say exactly that. Who knows if you'll continue to participate here- it's very early days for you to be worrying about including your SO!

[Katey888]

<--- Geez.... my wife doesn't even know I can look like this... <shrugs>

Honestly - sharing a life with someone doesn't always mean sharing everything...

Do it for a while by yourself first - my experience is that ones opinion of this place will vary and shift over the first 2-3 months anyway... :thinking:

Katey x

[Jenny Elwood]

My wife is a member here. I like to post things that will antagonize her so we can have a good fight. :bitchslap: (PC people call it communication). Let's see if she'll take the bait this time (if she's still reading here).

And I hope she finds the humour in this, otherwise we'll probably have a real fight.

:love:

[BillieAnneJean]

My SO is a member here and it did NOT help her because she saw every extreme along with "wise" advice that "every CDer would do this" or that. It took two years to get her to start listening to me again. This is not the fault of the forum. It is the typical know it alls pontificating on their absolutes to fearful and emotional victims.

So if your SO is on this forum, you and the SO must have a running dialogue of what is applicable and what isn't. And you must be truthful. And she needs to concentrate on the facts and bank down the fears and emotions.

Again not the fault of the forum.

[Krisi]

My wife does not know about this forum. I would not invite her to join. Things get posted here that I would not want her to read.

[Allison Chaynes]

My SO is a member here and it did NOT help her because she saw every extreme along with "wise" advice that "every CDer would do this" or that. It took two years to get her to start listening to me again. This is not the fault of the forum. It is the typical know it alls pontificating on their absolutes to fearful and emotional victims.

So if your SO is on this forum, you and the SO must have a running dialogue of what is applicable and what isn't. And you must be truthful. And she needs to concentrate on the facts and bank down the fears and emotions.

Again not the fault of the forum.


Exactly why my wife opted not to join. There are a few folks who seem to think that their way is the only accepted one. We both miss PantiesEtc and the more open discussions.

[Laura28]

My wife knows I am a member but has no desire to join. She is fine with it being a place for me. She is happy I dress and encouraging but she says it is something I enjoy and not something she really is interested in. She has not met laura yet at least not full blown and says maybe someday but not yet. She says as it makes me happy and that is were she gets pleasure knowing I enjoy it. Then she gives me two new lipsticks she got for me saying I think these colors will look good on you. Lol. She is great we talk make up and cloths and shop together her only border is she does not want to see me dressed in person pictures are fine but not in person. Hopefully someday that will change.

[Nadine Spirit]

My wife knows and is a member here but rarely even looks at the boards anymore. She has no questions and needs no reassurance and is rather annoyed by the vast amounts of complaining done by some of the GG members. I keep encouraging her to voice her supportive viewpoint but she really isn't all that interested.

[vicky_cd99_2]

My wife knows I am a member. She doesn't want to join, that's cool with me. She hopes that coming here helps me understand and come to term with the internal struggles I have, as I sit here in a pair of shorts with a 1%er support shirt on and a pair of wedges.

[Connie61]

Few things here. My wife knows I dress but isn't supportive at all. I am not allowed to dress in front of her. When I try to talk with her about my cross dressing, she just shuts down and won't talk about it. Once I suggested we dress together, learn together, and for her to get to know Connie. Maybe someday, but for now I have to deal with this anguish. I have just recently joined your group, very informative. I have thought about showing her some excerpts for wives, but she won't comply. So after this long explanation, my wife doesn't know about me belonging to any crossdressing site.

[MsVal]

My dear wife accepts that I am a crossdresser, understands that it is a part of "ME" like my eye color, and to a degree supports me. (The woman is a saint.) She is aware that I frequent this forum. She does not care to read the posts, even though I have suggested several times that she find out first-hand what is in here.

That is MY SPECIFIC CASE and should not be mistaken for a recommendation.

There are many really great threads that provide insight to the lives, aspirations, and fears of TG/TS people. There are also threads that make ME cringe, and I'm on the inside. I cannot imagine their effect on a heartbroken or vindictive spouse. Prior to inviting your wife to this forum, I think it would be wise to be certain that she understands that she may find some content that does not reflect your needs or feelings. Even so, you encourage her to discuss it with you.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Vinni]

Wow. Thank you all for your replies. I went to bed last night with the hopes someone may reply. I am so pleased to see and read all the replies. I think I will take away from this is that the last thing I need is for my wife to back away or get caught up in a flame war. So I believe that I will settle in here and work towards telling her I have found a place to belong and have some friends with real experience navigating thru this wonderful journey. Thank you all. My new friends :)

Endless hugs,
Vinni

Also.
Let me give a special thank you to BillieAnneJean for your note. Very kind of you dear.
Vinni

[Sandra]

One thing, anyone thinking about talking about this site to their SO's is to make sure that they understand that what they read on here forum others doesn't mean it is all the same for you. Just because Dotty likes sponge cake doesn't mean that Daisy will like it.

If you are open and honest with your SO then her being here shouldn't be a problem.

[Jaymees22]

My wife is very computer illiterate even after some professional training. Occasionally I will print out things from here for her to read if I think it will help us. Hugs Jaymee

[ReineD]

My wife … is rather annoyed by the vast amounts of complaining done by some of the GG members.

Complaining?

We've had some GG members who didn't like the CDing and were rather angry about it (one GG had had a disastrous relationship with her SO), but for the most part GGs come here to learn and try to understand. There may be some things they don't like and their degrees of comfort may vary about different aspects of the CDing, but they are trying and I don't take their posts as complaints when they write how they feel.

It's really too bad that your wife feels that way. If she is accepting, she could be in a measure to help some of the GGs who struggle with this. :sad:

FYI, we've also had CD members who hated being CDers and who wanted to find some way to control it or quit. Not everyone is able to embrace this 100%, not with the information that most of us were raised with.

[Cheryl T]

Mine surely is a member.
Have your wife join and ask for FAB too. It's for women only (Female At Birth) and has some good topics there for SO's...so I'm told, we're not allowed in. She can then also read the posts here and you can discuss them and share even more. That's exactly what my wife and I did when I came out fully to her. She found it immensely helpful.

[aprilgirl]

My wife joined the F.A.B. forum and found the experience to be beneficial. She also participated some in the general forum, which sparked some positive conversation between us. She's been inactive for some time now, part of which is due to her demanding schedule, but mostly because she just doesn't feel the need to do so. We are in a good place as to how this impacts us individually, and as a couple. I sort of miss her being here and from time to time she'll ask if any interesting topics arise or how someone she connected with is doing.

[Kristyn Hill]

Wife knows but doesn't want to join to date. I do discuss things from time to time I have seen on here.

[Teresa]

Vinni,
The forum has given me help and support in dealing with my CDing and my wife's attitude to it but letting her see what I have written to get that help would be a disaster !!

As far as I know she doesn't know I use Teresa for a name along with a picture !
I also think that even the open forum topics are not all good reading for a DADT wife and as for the rest of the pictures I've posted, I think my days would certainly be numbered !!
This forum is my outlet to help me through, if my wife joins of her own accord to get help, I can't stop her but it would be unfair of her to restrict me here as well !!

[JessicasRabbit]

My wife knows. She prefers that I keep it closeted from the world.
Sometime last year she used my laptop for something. Afterward, she asked, "Who is "JessicasRabbit?""
I was the proverbial deer in the headlights.
She expressed that she was glad that I have an outlet here for this side of me. But she didn't like so much that I used her name as a part of my screen-name here.

[DanielleLee]

Hi Vinni,

My wife has seen various windows tabs labeled "male to female crossdressers"; quite on accident, as it has not been my intention to share. There are too many discussions I've seen on the various forum boards that I believe would mortify her about crossdressers. With that being said, if she were to ask what it's all about I would tell her. Both my membership and participation. :-)

[Cassie.]

Well she knows I used forums and what not quite a lot but she has never really been interested in them herself. And that's always been fine with me.

[LilSissyStevie]

My wife calls this site my "frilly friends."

[DeeNile]

No she does not know. I don't think she would have a problem if she knew, but quite honestly, I have lurked for years and only very recently became an active member.

[MissTee]

My wife knows, but prefers not to join. She has her favorite forum hangs and prefers to be there.

[Tiffany Jane]

After telling my wife last year that I had joined and we were coming to terms with more openness relating to cding, she joined. She has started two threads to my knowledge...don't keep tabs on her profile as she does not spend a lot of time here. It is therapeutic for me to be here and she understands that it is mostly for balancing out all those mental games that cding plays on an individual. She will ask about what is being written about if she sees me in the forum but doesn't stay that connected.

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Vinni

My girlfriend is a member, in fact the reason I joined in the first place was that I thought it would be an excellent information resource for her. I’m her 1st CD partner and she was on a pretty steep learning curve; we had met online and discussed my ‘dressing extensively before we met face-to-face for the first time.

Mind you, I didn’t introduce her to the site ‘til we’d been out together 3 or 4 times, and I did it while I was with her, so I could log-in and show her the forums, especially “Loved Ones,” which is more “serious” in the main, dealing with relationship issues etc. Reading some of the discussions on the forum about the percentages of us who are gay, bi, eventually transition etc, really helped to allay those, perfectly understandable, fears on her part.

Quite frankly the last thing I wanted her to look at by herself were the “Pink Fog” posts that appear on this board... y’know, the “I love my thongs,” “I wear my wifes/girlfriends clothes when she’s out with her sister,” or, and this is my particular favorite, the, “I’m absolutely 100% straight… except when I’m at a gay bar en femme,” stuff!!! Jeez, it is any wonder that some of our potential partners run screaming for the hills?!?!?! :eek:

She never felt the need to join the FAB forum even though that’s the main reason I encouraged her to join; what she read, coupled with our extensive conversations, was enough for her to understand and accept that this is who I am.

Good luck to you both!
Paula

[mary spence]

Although I've read the posts here for quite some time, and just joined, I would not want my wife to join. Perhaps there'll come a time, but I'm fearful of the impact some of the posts would have on her.

[Sallee]

I think my wife know I am a member I have told her. and she has seen me on the site. She is aware of my cding but is more an DADT system. Which I am fine with for the most part. We use to go out together. Intellectually she was fine with it but emotionally not so much

[JamieG]

Yes, my wife knows I'm a member. I don't hide it from her when I reading, and she now recognizes the color scheme. I sometimes tell her about threads that I've read, but she has no interest in joining herself. Every once in a while when she sees I'm on here, she says, "Say high to the ladies for me." So, um, "Hi" from my wife to all of you.

[Nefer]

I don't think my wife knows about the forum, though I don't mind if she does, I'd rather she not join. I'd feel more constrained about what I could say/express

[heatherdress]

My wife knows I am a member. She looked at the site a few times and was interested in my friends and replies, but quickly became uninterested. She fully supports my crossdressing and encourages me to dress and feel the way I want to.

A question - if you hide membership in this site - "What if she discovers your participation as a site member by accident?"

[carahawkwind]

My wife knows I look at forums like this, but not this specific forum. She doesn't care too much about what I do online.

[mbmeen12]

Yes my wife does know. As to telling her, Id shown her initially the importance of GG' participating and to see if she any questions or concerns to post away.

[TinaZ]

My wife calls this site my "frilly friends."

That made me chuckle! Let her know some of us probably are OK with that name.


"Say high to the ladies for me." So, um, "Hi" from my wife to all of you.

Howdy, Mrs. G!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Vinni,
My SO wasn't aware of my joining the forum before she found out about my CDing.
Skip the long story... I think now that she is aware of the fact that I am spending a lot of my free time
here, she has mixed feelings. On one side, it's keeping me from doing other"more important" tasks, and the other side...
It helps me relieve some stress ( yeah right, like I'm stressed huh?).
Anyway, she does know I'm a member here, and she will read over my shoulder sometimes. I've told her it's not right, she's not seeing everything she could, she could learn more if she joined the FAB, and not to fear the interweb outing me, or her to the world.
(So world, when you do figure out who we are, don't mention you heard about us here thank you.)
Much Love,
Kristyn

[vickim]

Wife on my end knows nothing and would blow a gasket if she were to. Everyone's situation is different....

[bobbimo]

Yes, she does. She has flagged me on a few of my comments. SO be very careful what you say and what you have said, She can look up your conversations.
Some bit of advice you gave a girl, may be construed as something you have done.
Just be careful, it is wonderful to have her around and to be able to have a CD conversations.
Bobbi

[Vinni]

I just want to pop in and say. Thank you all. This week has been like being able to breath easier when you never knew you could. All of your thoughts truly guided me.

I love it here.

[Tonya Rose]

Yes,she does, and my bff(stepdaughter) know about this site and I will share some of the cool stuff I find here with them! They both think it`s great! and chose not to invade my space here! This forum is for. CROSS DRESSERS!!! Right???? not lurking wives!!! Just sayin!!! :hugs:

[Welshgirl]

Hi Tonya Rose,

You must have a pretty poor opinion of us wives! I thought the site was for "Crossdressers, their family and friends" - at least, that's what it says on the banner at the top of every page.

I count myself as a supportive wife of a CDer, and I have my own questions about the whole thing that this forum is gradually answering. You can't have it both ways, I'm afraid - either all the CD girls group together on a forum on their own and spend all the time complaining that their wives/SOs don't understand them, or the site is open to all who have an interest and a need to know, so that everyone's life can be made easier.

[Vinni]

Welshgirl

Although at this time my wife does not know... Where is the like button?

[Sandra]

This forum is for. CROSS DRESSERS!!! Right???? not lurking wives!!! Just sayin!!! :hugs:

No it is not just for crossdressers... read the bloody banner on the home page, Crossdressers.com The #1 community for crossdressers, their family and friends, and fyi a lot of wives don't lurk but with comments like this is there any wonder why they don't post a lot.

Also I see you didn't make a comment about cders that just lurk...it must be ok for them to do that.... geez

[Tonya Rose]

Ok, lets clear this up before anyone else gets thier panties in a bunch!!!
Yes, I know what the banner says,,,, and agree!!!
And didn`t mean to imply SUPPORTIVE wives were not welcome, hell I would love to see and hear more of them here!
it`s the non supportive spying on ones! that i refer to as (lurking)

A BIG HUG! to all supportive wives here!!! :hugs:

Tonya

[Krisi]

We all know that nobody walks away from their computer while logged into this site or allows wives or others to use our accounts or passwords, right? It's against the rules and we all follow the rules, right?

[cdsara]

I told my wife I am a member but I would bet she doesn't think I come here everyday.

[BillieAnneJean]

I keep no secrets from my SO. She knows everything. We went from me telling her everything to her not listening to almost a DADT to her imagining everything back to me telling her everything to me providing a running commentary. The running commentary seems to help her the most because she hears the facts and not just the extremes from the on line world.

[Bea A]

My wife knows and has posted a few times under her own name.

[Diane1950]

My wife knows I visit CD websites, but doesn't know which ones.

I've deliberately left tracks, such as bookmarking this and a couple of other sites, but I don't think she's taken a peek.

And I've offered to show her, give her my online name, and let her browse, but she hasn't taken me up on it.

I'm still hopeful, though.

[SamanthaSometimes]

I lurked on this site for about eight months before joining. I was like a sponge soaking up information and opinions as I pursued new then all the old threads. Yes, all. This site helped me immensely to: a) discover I wasn’t the only man on the planet who liked to dress and appear female (that was an amazing and SO comforting revelation!) and b) work through my thoughts and feelings on the matter, and c) better understand CDing from various GG perspectives. It was therapeutic for me.
I joined as a member in August 2014, told my wife I joined, verbally encouraged her to join, and sent her an email with the link and instructions. I specifically pointed her to the new members and FAB forums. My wife is very non-accepting. I wanted her to join hoping it would help her cope with the fact I’m a CDer and give her an outlet to communicate her thoughts and feelings to others. I gave that decision much thought before doing so. Reading the vast trove of threads here I knew there are things that could scare her but I weighed that against the numerous threads that provide much insight and wisdom from experience that could be very beneficial. I thought her reading even the ‘what color panties are you wearing’ threads would be beneficial for her to see just how pervasive wearing even the simplest of female apparel can comfort one with gender dysphoria. I hoped it would help her realize that gender was not binary but rather a spectrum. I hoped her reading would spur constructive and meaningful conversations between us. I had other hopes as well. None have materialized. She said she had no desire to “fill her mind with that filth” and I have not discussed it with her since. She may have since changed her mind and joined without telling me. I hope so. I don’t ask because conversations of CDing leave her feeling, at the least, frustrated. She probably has more negative feelings too but since we don’t talk about it, I wouldn’t know.
However, she seemed less disgusted when I recently purchased two pair of fleece leggings for her because she complained her pair was not warm. When giving the gift leggings to her, I said “These work really well.”. She said, “How would you know?” I said, “Because I have two pair just like them”. She inspected them more closely to ensure they were new, asked me where I bought them (I assume to verify the purchase by looking at our debit card expenses), then walked away in a huff. I said, “You’re welcome”. Perhaps being married to CDer isn’t all bad.