My inventory of friends

[Karen62]

Now that I have started the process of coming out to friends, I am excited for the future where I don't have to censor every word I say or hide every potential feminine gesture I do as I speak, lest I reveal myself as effeminite or worse yet, a transsexual woman (oh the horrors!).

But I just realized tonight that I am still doing this, but now it's even more complicated. I need to maintain an inventory list of friends to whom I have come out and can be freely expressive and others who, well, not quite yet. (I know, I know, what's the point iof doing this f I am no longer hiding my true nature, but I stil have this need to control the message, if at least to ensure some people are told ahead of others (as that is seen as a sign of respect and trust).

Tonight I had a friend email me to ask how I was feeling (I have been down and nearly out with a severe cold for 13 days now). I nearly wrote to him that it was sweet of him to ask, but I realized he was not yet in my inventory of friends who know. Slip up averted -- for now.

Sheesh, this all is stupidly complicated, isn't it? Is anyone plagued by stupid stuff like this?

Karen

[Nikkilovesdresses]

In a diluted form I've been dealing with this for many decades- once I start feeling uninhibited, either from alcohol or natural high spirits, I tend to start hamming it up, and my femme side is itching to join in. I've had to rein her in many times, and I'm sure I've left a trail of breadcrumbs a mile wide. I never cared so much that I could choke her off completely.

[PaulaQ]

One of my close friends used a spreadsheet to track this. In my case, it was simplified by my wife repeatedly outing me. It wasn't hard to remember who she hadn't told.

[Starling]

My wife panicked and outed me to some people she told me about, but I think she spread the news a little more broadly than she let on. I have one very old, very gossipy friend who wasn't on her list, but who keeps hinting about how it can be fun to wear women's clothes. Yeah, if that's all you want! I've already lost my ability to completely control the message with those people, but I don't want it to get beyond all control. I'm especially concerned that it not reach some of my friends who by all rights should be among the first to know. Right now, with the exception of people my wife didn't tell me about, the number of people I have told and she has told is still manageable; but I know how to make a spreadsheet.

:) Lallie

[Kris Avery]

That is a horrible problem. You would almost have to have an app on you phone for that tied in with caller ID.
Knows/doesn't know......

[Rogina B]

Be yourself.Friends that don't accept you....aren't. Life isn't about friends in quantity...It is about friends in quality. "Telling them" is no where near as powerful as "showing them"..Most will better understand your happiness when they see it on your face while knowing that they can either embrace your new identity,or lose you.Either way, you both are going to live.

[BOBBI G.]

For most of my life, I have been mostly friendless. During my former marriage, I was not allowed to have social contacts in person, only those my ex' liked ( she never did). Her friends and family were OK
Now, I proudly say I have 4 friends, all female; one totally straight, one bi, one lesbian, one transgender. My life is starting to be mine once more.

Bobbi

[I Am Paula]

To avoid just this, I told my parents one day (They deserve to be the first), and then came out on facebook. All at once, done deal. I knew if I started to pick and choose, people would talk, and the next thing you know, there would be misinformation, speculation, and rumor.
It worked out very well, and the letters of congratulation began coming in almost immediately.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Why are you telling your friends right now? Perhaps you are in a position where it really doesn't matter and then of course(LOL) it doesn't matter!!!

But if you tell them way before you are living as a woman it will create a messy situation like the one you are in.. I chose to tell my friends all at once over a couple weeks and it was about a year after i started HRT and about 2-3 months before i started living full time....and many of them said they thought i was gay....heh.. one of them even said this priceless gem.."Whew, i was worried, i thought you were turning gay on us"....ummmm...did he hear what i just said???!!! in the end he actually has been a huge supporter and one of the people i turned away from being a bigot...his son turned out to be gay and i helped him through that...its funny how things work out..

ok i just realized lied!!!
i did tell 2 very very very close friends a couple of months prior to all the others but the context was actually what they thought about how to tell other friends and we were just so close i couldn't bear not telling them anymore (so i really do understand the tremendous pull to disclose)...

anyway, i may be a worrier but i always felt that transition is very difficult to do well. So i always tried to consider that everything i did was to benefit my actual transition, and disclosure was a big part of it.
I found the whole idea of talking to people about it way in advance to not be helpful. You don't need this stress but now you are probably best off telling them all. Be prepared though for them to drift away, be prepared for lots of questions if you don't start moving forward quickly. In fact, one of those two friends got very strange on me as the months went by and to him nothing was happening and he was the only friend i had that caused my grief in the end.. The others had no choice, and actually almost every one of them just drifted away.

Are you working now? I presume you are not

[Angela Campbell]

I told my mom and kids about 6 months in to HRT. I began living as a woman everywhere except at work at that time. I came out at work a few months later (after name change), following the guidance of HR. I figured there is no need to tell anyone until they need to know. I didn't want anyone to think I was not serious so I never let them see me as a man once they knew. I figured once I told them I am a woman it is not helpful for them to see me appearing like a man.

As far as controlling the message......LOL good luck. If you have told one then quite a few now know.

[arbon]

you don't know how people will really react to it until they start seeing you presenting yourself as a woman around them, up till that point its just words and they usually don't know themselves how they really feel about it. When you start claiming that you are a woman and expect them to acknowledge you as such then things can get interesting!

I had a list too. It did feel good to tell some people, it let some of the pressure off and felt liberating. My wife was also telling people, she was trying to be supportive but freaking out too. my transition got messy for a while when I hit a road block at work. There were so many rumors and so much gossip going on.

Here is something to consider about telling people and how reactions can change. I had been coming out to some people and the gossip in the area I live in was escalating. I knew I needed to tell my boss about my plans to transition so I wanted to meet him outside work and so I invited him to dinner. On the night we were going to meet my wife got a call from one of our friends to warn me my boss already knew about me. Well crap! We still went out and he was very supportive and we talked about my plans and how we were going approach it with clients and co-workers and every thing. It all seemed great and I had the impression he had my back on this. But as a little time went by he changed his mind about it and became very upset with me for what I was doing. Things got really ugly between us. it ended up taking me another year and a half till I was able to transition at work. During that time I was out as transgender to everyone but unable to fully transition - the situation was extremely stressful.

[Rianna Humble]

I didn't have to worry about who I had told and who I had not.

I needed to disclose at work shortly after I had told my dad. Next was my political group on the local council (in case anyone tried to use it against them they had to be forewarned). I gave the leader of the group permission to tell anyone else at the Town Hall that she felt ought to know.

About a week later, someone saw me leaving the Town Hall and called the local paper. I became pages 1, 3, 5 & 7 of the paper and then that and the Sun's hatchet job of the story went viral.

When I tried to get selected to stand for parliament, the news leaked out through a German website :eek:

[Starling]

I told a very few close friends when I was in gender counseling, had begun HRT and was planning to go full time shortly, to try and line up support in advance. It's when I told my wife that she panicked and outed me to family and friends. The rest of my story is pretty familiar to any MTF with a non-accepting spouse.

:) Lallie

[Karen62]

Why are you telling your friends right now? Perhaps you are in a position where it really doesn't matter and then of course(LOL) it doesn't matter!!!

But if you tell them way before you are living as a woman it will create a messy situation like the one you are in..


Are you working now? I presume you are not

Kaitlyn, I detailed the reason why I came out to one set of friends last week in a separate thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?224505-An-amazing-end-to-a-turbulent-week). But you are right. Why should I be doing this so fast? To be honest, I am so incredibly eager to get on with life that I emotionally want to do this, but I know intellectually that this will be long, hard road and I need to manage it as best I can (although it's akin to managing the raindrops that fall from the sky).

I have already come out to medical professionals and to my HR rep at work (Yes, I am gainfully employed! I have other medical issues that are pretty significant that are causing me to use some medical leave right now, and my manager is a young guy in his later 20s, and as I reveal the other medical issues to him as the cause of my missed time for tests and such, he looks at me with these big eyes that say "I have no idea what to say to you about this." What in the heck is he going to say when I start HRT, begin laser, continue growing my hair out (I already shaved off a beard I wore for 30+ years), and then start (maybe, hopefully?) start showing breast growth? I felt I needed to reveal myself to HR to get it on the record that I have all of these issues that are legitimate so there was no question about my work performance. I just don't want to be seen as the employee who is too complicated to handle and is better let go. Perhaps this is foolish of me, but it feels like the right thing to do.

And since telling these professionals is getting easier, and I had to tell one set of friends as described above, my interest in getting the word out is growing, if only so I can move beyond the dichotomy of some knowing, others not (yet). But you are right in that there is no need to rush. I really should wait for HRT to settle in (I hope to begin it within the coming month). And as Rogina wisely said, just showing them will be part of the revelation, and that happens over time. I really like that.

Paula, you made me laugh at the idea of using a spreadsheet to maintain my inventory list, if only because I am such a geek as to actually do it.

Karen

[MonicaJean]

Be yourself.Friends that don't accept you....aren't.

This is truth.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Just be yourself. Then when you do tell them, they will be like "Oh, I get it now. " And you can just get on with your life.

[KellyJameson]

It seems how people "experience you" is as strong if not stronger than words.

If they "experience you as a man" but they are hearing that you are a woman who plans on transitioning versus seeing you present as female (experiencing you) while also hearing the words, the affect on them is usually dramatically different.

Often people are uncomfortable and threatened by associating with someone who is transitioning based on how they are "experiencing it"

It helps to know your audience concerning the news of your transitioning. In general men and women react differently. In general a heterosexual man will react differently than a gay man. In general a person with religious convictions that lead them to believe transsexuals are "wrong" will react differently from an atheist. In general someone with an advance education will react differently from someone with little to no formalized education. In general someone who is liberal will react differently than someone who is conservative.

In my opinion how you come out is partly determined by who you are coming out to and the conditions it is done under.

There may be an advantage to coming out before any actual physical changes have been made including how you dress (present).

I know someone who kept it quiet and many people thought she had a terminal illness.

Even though everyone is hearing about transgendered people few actually know of someone going through actual transitoning.

I do think it is very important people experience you as being "authentic". It they experience you as fake, contrived or over the top this could really work against you.

There is a natural tendency to want to control "the potential for unpleasantness" by communicating "what you are" so strongly that there is no mistaking "who and what you are"

I would avoid going into some type of hyper feminine emotional behavior that is an "act" as a self defense mechanism to communicate "how much of a woman you are"

Proving we are women by how we interpret women act and than "acting in accordance" could work against you from people experiencing you as being inauthentic emotionally so than not trusting your reasons for transitioning.

In my opinion be as calm, rational and pragmatic with people as you can be. Dramatics can really isolate you. Genuine emotion is not a problem but "acting like a woman" could be.

Keep it as real as possible and people usually are very supportive.

They need to experience your humanity and not a facade

[Karolyn]

I told as many people as I could, in a reasonable way, before transitioning. I wanted to be sure I would have moral support from my friends, family and coworkers, before I start the irreversible.

To be sure I was not outing myself by accident, I kept the list of people on my phone. I now have 45 people in it, and growing. This way, I remember who I told, and who I still have to tell. When I tell someone who has an SO, I was adding the name between parentheses on the same line, and once the person I know confirms he told her SO, then I remove the parentheses. It worked well so far.

Also, I came out in this order, as I wanted to go from the safest to the trickiest people. And once I said that to the gender therapist, she was impressed, that is exactly what she would have told me to do (before getting the HRT letter).
- a gay friend
- a transgender friend
- a genetic male friend
- a genetic female friend
- a male coworker
- a family member (my sister)
- many friends
- my boss
- human resources
- my parents
- several male coworkers
- female coworker (today)

[Zooey]

Aside from my ex-girlfriend (who knew me as a crossdresser), I came out like this...

- My best female friend of all time
- A bunch of new friends who have only ever known me as Melissa
- A few random work acquaintances who I ran into while out

At this point, I was living pretty much full-time outside of work and family (holidays) time.

- My best male friend of all time
- My closest friends who I still work with

Permanent beard removal started here

- My doctor
- All the friends I consider myself even semi-close to, all over the country
- My brother and his wife

Coming very soon, I'll be talking to these people...

- My other brother
- My parents
- My sister (she lives with my parents, and can't keep a secret to save her life)

Hormones will start here

- HR at work
- The rest of the known universe :p

[Karen62]

So I guess I am not the only one who has kept a list (lesson learned: I will not likely do ANYTHING in transition that has not been done countless times before by all of my sisters who came before me).

This is all really interesting. I had this notion that I really wanted to be on HRT before I came out to anyone because I wanted to have that validating experience behind me, reassuring me that this is the right path for me (although I am so confident that it's like waiting just to confirm the sun will rise again tomorrow), and once having already started, I could say with authority that it is a done deal, there is no looking back, and I don't need anyone's permission or approval to live my life authentically. I have a new targeted start date for HRT now, March 3, and if all of my health issues work out, then sometime after that, I will start acting upon my own list of people to come out to in the order I want to do this.



I would avoid going into some type of hyper feminine emotional behavior that is an "act" as a self defense mechanism to communicate "how much of a woman you are"

Kelly, you have already given me guidance on this topic by your own example. You revealed that you went into HRT and transition with no pretense of being the kind of woman someone else might think you should be. You were your own woman, independent, clear-minded, not a stereotype of anything. You were just going to be Kelly. I've thought a lot about that idea. I wrote an earlier post about what is the essence of womanhood in which I explored if I really had "what it takes" to be a woman, when I felt different than other women around me, and the lessons learned from that exchange of ideas is that I am what I am regardless of what others are like. Now I don't truly know how HRT will affect my mind, but today I am a somewhat shy person (at least in large groups), fairly logical, fairly analytical (aka overthinking, anyone?), and I don't know if those traits will remain intact, vanish away, or morph into some kind of variant behavior. I'm not overtly or flamboyantly feminine (at least not today). When I dress, I go for age-appropriate, classic styles that would likely blend in pretty well. At least, that's my interpretation of myself. I've never been ultra masculine (even as a cover, I could never pull that off). So I have no doubt that I will simply be me, whoever that is, and as I am reborn and recreated, I will probably have moments of questioning, moments of boundary exploring, and moments of self-pity. I remember going through that same kind of thing through my male puberty. None of it was harmful or dangerous to me, yet all of it helped me define who I was, at least to me. I have an idea of who I am (or will be), but it is definitely not a cartoon version of femininity, so no worries about the over-the-top facade. Besides, I hate drama, and I couldn't stand myself acting that way (I'm no hypocrite).

Now I need to start compiling my list!! Thanks, everyone!

Karen

[KellyJameson]

Thank you for reassuring me Karen. I know I'm a worrier and live somewhere between idealism and pessimism. I hope my words were not hurtful, insensitive or disrespectful in any way and if they were I certainly apologize because that was not my intention.

Transitioning is the act of making life or death decisions. I never want to become part of the transsexual cheering section but at the same time I never want someone to live a moment more than they have to with what I have lived through.

There is little talk of the "Christine Daniels" stories where someone does not survive transitioning or those who regret later or even de-transition but these stories weigh heavily on my mind.

For me I always sensed it would be an all or nothing thing and from a purely pragmatic and rational perspective I really did not want to live as a female. To be a woman is to live a hard life. I knew that by the time I was in my teens so I did everything I could to suppress it. From my perspective a person must be crazy to "want this" but that is exactly what I have learned in the last few years.

Many are actually excited and entralled by the idea of transitioning and for some reason this scares me because it is foreign to my own experience.

Maybe being happy and excited about transitioning is not such a bad thing though. There is so much fear to confront and work through and it is such a difficult path to walk to completion that perhaps this excitement has a protective quality.

I'm always very conflicted about supporting someone who is just starting out. Part of me wants to tell them to run as far as they can in the other direction yet the other part of me wants to be supportive and encouraging.

I don't like having these contradictory feelings and I certainly do not want to create confusion by giving contradictory messages.

In the end all I want is that no one is harmed by transitioning but only healed.

Ultimately it is each person responsibility to decide for themselves and bear the consequences or reap the rewards but as long as I participate in a community where there is a possibility I may affect another concerning transitioning I'm going to feel the burden of giving advice concerning such a dangerous undertaking.

Transitioning has strangely made me cautious about recommending transitioning yet I'm extremely happy as that sensation of being at peace with myself and the world I live in, but I was correct its hard to be a woman.

I'm finding I have much more respect for what women have to contend with day in and day out now than I did before. I knew they had it difficult but once you live it you really know it.

With your last words I find myself less worried for you. Your integrity will protect you.

[STACY B]

I told my mom and kids about 6 months in to HRT. I began living as a woman everywhere except at work at that time. I came out at work a few months later (after name change), following the guidance of HR. I figured there is no need to tell anyone until they need to know. I didn't want anyone to think I was not serious so I never let them see me as a man once they knew. I figured once I told them I am a woman it is not helpful for them to see me appearing like a man.

As far as controlling the message......LOL good luck. If you have told one then quite a few now know.

I like it ,,, Just the Facts Maam' Just the FACTS !!