"My wife does not know about my stash or my habit" - are you serious?

[pamela7]

Erm, girls, please!!!

Wives know everything about their "man". They may pretend they don't, they may pretend they have not felt something going on. But ... they KNOW what's in the wardrobe, and pretty much everywhere else, cos tidying and clean-out is something "they" do. Of course you've never, ever looked in her knickers draw (and found an unexpected vibrator, and said "nothing" to her (*)), and likewise I'm sure she's never seen the inside of yours? Every item is in its place, they know where and how they left it. A stretched pair of her knickers tells her what you've been up to.

So, you can assume its a "DADT" situation, cos they're not comfortable with the conversation - it might be for many reasons. She might even be very relieved to know the truth. The thing is, it's better to know the truth, than to live suspicions.

That's in my world, and its worked. Maybe there are wives/SO's out there who don't look/know, maybe its a shock, maybe they'd rather think its an affair, but maybe they just need to know they are loved, first and foremost.

(* yes, its happened to me.)

[MichelleDevon]

Sorry, Pamela - I HAVE to disagree here. I told my wife in May 2001 and it was a total bolt from the blue; she hadn't got a clue.

It had never occurred to her that I actually enjoyed clothes shopping trips - she assumed I just put up with her meanderings around the racks under sufferance. She will admit that some of her best buys have been items I found while she was trying on what she have picked out but she had never extrapolated from that. This was so far outside her prior experience that it had never entered her head that I might be doing something so strange. As I said yesterday, she is very conservative (with a small c) and anything even marginally "different" would be disregarded. (By way of supporting this assertion, when I suggested keeping hosiery on to go to bed she looked at me in close to horror - "Ugh, that's DIRTY, nobody does that!!!" The inference from that is that if it isn't something she does it doesn't happen!!!! Ah, the secret world of the control freak... Rearrange the words "sand, head, put, the, your, in" into a commonly used phrase!!!!

She honestly had no idea at all and I suppose that was why she freaked more than might have been expected...

Michelle
xxx

[kimdl93]

In my view one should assume nothing. The most dangerous assumption is some sort of tacit acceptance or DADT, in the absence of any discussion. It's impossible to know what a partner has discovered, suspected or overlooked. Assume incorrectly and expect an unpleasant surprise!

["Gabriela"]

My GF didn't have a clue until I came out to her. My sister thought I was gay before I told her the truth... most of the people don't even know that CDing exists as a habit that is not dangerous or harmful... it's a taboo, therefore most people never expect it from someone close to them.

Regarding the clothes and shopping and stuff like that, women just think that you're a good partner :) Now, when it comes to having your own stuff in your house, then you should tell your SO about your CDing. Otherwise, having such stash wouldn't have any reasonable explanation, and believe me, most of the times, the people won't be thinking that you like looking like a girl :P

[Pumped]

My wife told me it was her or the clothes. She is still with me and I still have my stash well hidden. I would say she does not know.

[Katey888]

Assumptions can be dangerous bedfellows Pamela... never assume anything either way, would be my motto. :)

As to my 'stash', I am 100% certain that my wife cannot discover it... it is simply physically impossible for her to get there...

As far as my habit goes: she knows that I enjoy painting my nails (but I think she thinks it's a throwback to Airfix kit days [thank you Christine...]); she knows that I shave my legs; she encourages me to pluck my eyebrows; she tells me that I dance like a girl... but she's so 'small-c' conservative as to make me avoid any conversations about gender issues, sexuality divergence or alternative 'lifestyles'... I'm pretty sure it would be the last thing she would suspect...

But she knows that she's loved and I'm completely dedicated to her - why would she think anything else..?

And she's at least a couple sizes smaller than me and I've never been tempted to pillage her lingerie or anything else - I know it's a common theme but not all of us do it... :)

Seriously...

Katey x

[Nikkilovesdresses]

So what you're saying Pamela, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that Welshgirl is really, really nosey?

Or are you just rubbish at hiding stuff?

[pamela7]

I think, Nikki, I'm saying I've a lot to learn about secrets/hiding things, and yes, you're all right.
I was injecting a little humour, but also my own experience, hiding's just not a possibility.
So, with stashes impossible to find, and shocks/bolts out of the blue, I can honestly say I don't know how you do that.

(She's probably also very nosey, lol - or is it just "well organised"?)
(actually, she's not at all nosey, Nikki, just well organised!)

[Jenniferathome]

I think that the wife or girlfriend "knows" we cross dress is going too far but it is highly probable they think "something" is going on. Unfortunately, because the average person knows so little about cross dressing, that would not be a logical assumption. More likely they wonder if we are gay or having an affair. That is why when we come out, cross dressing is still quite a surprise

[Athena_]

I was in stealth mode for most of my 24 years of Marriage. When my wife found my stash, the fireworks began. (that was a day, I can tell you) Later, she said that some things that did not make sense before, began to be clear. She says that she would have never put all of the pieces together on her own, and without that discovery and my confession of my crossdressing, she would most likely still be unaware.

The good news is that she is accepting for a DADT relationship. She also convinced me to use my bottom drawer for a portion of my lingerie.

[pamela7]

I think that the wife or girlfriend "knows" we cross dress is going too far but it is highly probable they think "something" is going on. Unfortunately, because the average person knows so little about cross dressing, that would not be a logical assumption. More likely they wonder if we are gay or having an affair. That is why when we come out, cross dressing is still quite a surprise

That makes good sense, thank you Jennifer. Welshgirl has also reminded me of a big difference in life orientation: "staying out of trouble people" and "getting out of trouble people". She's of the former, I'm of the latter, and I can see that being good at hiding is something developed over lifetime where avoiding trouble is needed. So we're seeing the price of secrets?

PS, sorry if my questions or musings come across naive, I probably am!

[Beverley Sims]

It's all in your last line....

"They just need to know they are loved, first and foremost."

[Cheryl T]

So not true !!
I hid my clothes for decades. At first inside speaker boxes in our bedroom, right out in the open.
Until she found a photo of me she had no clue and that was years later.

[sometimes_miss]

I hid my clothes for decades. At first inside speaker boxes in our bedroom, right out in the open.
Inside actual stereo speakers would have been a much better idea (the backs of many are simply screwed on, and large floor speakers have plenty of room for a bag of clothing; many backs can be easily sealed around with slim foam insulation, and then you only need two screws to seal, one top, the other, bottom). Besides, if you're idea of hiding your 'stash' is under the mattress, under some other clothes, or putting your box of heels at the bottom of a bunch of other shoe boxes, then yes, your SO will probably know. OTOH, placing stuff under corner floorboards under a rug or carpet, that need either a screwdriver to pry up or very strong fingers, or in the space above the ceiling plasterboard way beyond the reach of shorter arms where you can't see it (and put some pink fiberglass insulation up there too, also in every other space up there to make them look all the same), neither of which would ever be searched for anything unless the cops were hunting for drugs, then it's unlikely that she'd know. Far too many people think 'out of site, out of mind' so they hide stuff in commonly used places that they see on TV. Stupid things, like taping envelopes on the bottom of drawers and such. You want to hide stuff? Put it in a place that actually requires some difficulty to get to it. Or hide in plain site, like building a set of storage compartments into the underside of a staircase, all hidden by a nicely finished full length panel with trim. Use oddball screws such as security torx heads to secure the finished product under trim that slides away for access. And don't keep the screwdrivers necessary anywhere where someone can find them. Hope that helps some of you who need ideas of where to keep stuff.

[Andy66]

Lol, Lexi... youre like James Bond or something. Or maybe James Bonds sister.

[mechamoose]

If 'she' doesn't know about *you* and "her"

Then I have to say it is your fault.

Not my job to criticize here, but truth is the tonic for most ills.

Who are *YOU*??

If you are not being honest about that, the rest falls apart,

- MM

o

[Marcelle]

Hi Pamela,

This comes up a lot and some here equate it to a woman's "sixth sense" which in and of itself seems a bit misogynistic in that men have been saying that for years "the little woman just knows, nudge, nudge, wink, wink". To be honest, the reason why some wives will suspect and others will not will depend on how well the CDer covers their tracks. Being secretive or acting all strange to the point drawing suspicion to yourself will get you noticed. Will your wife think you are CDer? Not likely but as Jennifer stated they are definitely going to thing something is up and that will bring you under the microscope. Add to this wearing your wife's clothing, improperly cleaned up make-up residual or poorly hidden stash of femme items and you will get busted quicker than anything.

Some people are extremely good at compartmentalizing parts of their lives, go through great lengths to ensure they are not discovered, do their thing and then go on being who they are with no change in personality. It is quite plausible that CDers such as this will go on and their wives will never know. Will they get caught? I suppose it is probable but then again they may never get caught. All this to say, yes, I think some wives will find out and may choose to ignore it so long as they don't see it or hear about it . . . kind of a self imposed DADT. However I also believe others never will.

Hugs

Isha

[julia ann]

My now EX wife did not have a clue for years till she found lipstick in my truck and even after I came completely clean about everything I was deemed to be a liar trying to cover up an affair, so I showed her my stash of clothes which obviously belonged to my lover and I was only holding them so she didn't have to try and bring out lingerie when we got together. She would have accepted stories about the clothes belonging to aliens before she could accept they were my clothes. She now knows better as she has met my better half fully dressed since we divorced!��

[Dianne S]

cos tidying and clean-out is something "they" do.

Ummm.... really?

My ex-wife was a complete mess. She hoarded stuff like you wouldn't believe and never tidied up. I guarantee I could put all of my dresses in a pile with her clothing and she wouldn't have noticed. It's dangerous to generalize. :)

I was out to her about cross-dressing, but I guarantee I could have hidden it had I chosen to.

[Sarah Louise]

I doubt my wife knows, although if I ever came clean, I suspect one or two things might become a bit clearer. For instance, I like buying feminine clothes for her and it might explain how I'm so knowlegable on the subject. I love stockings and heels, but not just on her!

I doubt she knows about my stash which is well hidden. If she finds it and confronts me then I'll just come clean. I'm a bit too scared to do this, but if it happens, maybe it won't be a bad thing.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I went through the journey of discovery. Everything was fine with her when we were first married and neither she nor I knew what a cross dresser was. Essentially it was sexy "bedroom play:" a nylon long nightgown or two, stockings and a garterbelt. The enjoyment was mutual. The realization of what this was all about became somewhat obvious when my interests expanded to slips and panties. The "duh" moment was the red Vanity Fair bra. We had "The Talk."

DADT does not necessarily imply being secretive or unknowing. My wife knows I like to wear women's clothing. She knows where part of my "stash" is located. She has found a misplace item or two over the years. She puts it in the laundry closet and tells me I left it out. I'm pretty sure she does not know of my expanded wardrobe which is stored in plain sight. It's not hidden. I guess she really does not care anymore. Of course, I do not discuss my latest purchase. And, if I passed away tonight the extent of my wardrobe will come out. But, that's life.

DADT does not equal disceit. If the wife's chooses to not participate or discuss the issues, then it can hardly be called deceitful. Really, am I to come home with a bag and pull out a pair of panties or thigh high stockings and say "Hey honey! See these great panties I found on sale?"

Of course a wife is not going to be ignorant of her husband's interest in lingerie if her panties, bras are stretched or there are runs in her stockings and the stitching of her dresses are broken. But, if the husband's wardrobe can be contained in a small box in the crawl space under the house or over the ceiling, then she probably does not know. Me? There are sixteen Xerox boxes of women's clothing sitting right next to our chest freezer that she bumps into every day. If she wants to open the Xerox boxes I have no issue. She may want to borrow some of my smaller sized sexy slips or borrow a dress or two on occasion out of my 110.

[ashley_addams76]

I doubt my wife knows, although if I ever came clean, I suspect one or two things might become a bit clearer. For instance, I like buying feminine clothes for her and it might explain how I'm so knowlegable on the subject. I love stockings and heels, but not just on her!

I doubt she knows about my stash which is well hidden. If she finds it and confronts me then I'll just come clean. I'm a bit too scared to do this, but if it happens, maybe it won't be a bad thing.
This is me too Sarah. We are not neat freaks and the fact that I can hide things among her things helps tremendously. I don't think that all women can figure it out or they obviously know.

[Rebecca Cross Bracer]

I doubt my wife knows, although if I ever came clean, I suspect one or two things might become a bit clearer. For instance, I like buying feminine clothes for her and it might explain how I'm so knowlegable on the subject. I love stockings and heels, but not just on her!

I doubt she knows about my stash which is well hidden. If she finds it and confronts me then I'll just come clean. I'm a bit too scared to do this, but if it happens, maybe it won't be a bad thing.

Couldn't agree more Sarah! I love buying my SO (and myself) heels and stockings and consider my knowledge on fashion to exceed hers. I also wear certain items of her clothing and bras and maintain my stash unbeknownst to her. It is possible.

[vickim]

Some people are extremely good at compartmentalizing parts of their lives, go through great lengths to ensure they are not discovered, do their thing and then go on being who they are with no change in personality. It is quite plausible that CDers such as this will go on and their wives will never know. Will they get caught? I suppose it is probable but then again they may never get caught. All this to say, yes, I think some wives will find out and may choose to ignore it so long as they don't see it or hear about it . . . kind of a self imposed DADT. However I also believe others never will.


yep, I second this entirely. I think success in "hiding" (which some must do and some don't have to worry about) comes down to how much attention one gives to detail and trying to identify every way it could go wrong and the wife discovering what is going on. Unfortunately, the tonic of truth isn't as refreshing for some spouses as it would be for others :)

[pamela7]

okay, thank you all, I get it, many folks have grown up learning how to stash, cache, hide, keep it all under wraps. Ever thought about a career as a secret agent?
Reminds of the film "True Lies" - Arnie and Jamie-Lee Curtis.
I can see the serious side to hiding in unsafe environments. I'm wondering also how we're so blind to what we don't want to see. Kind of how long it took me to realise CD is where its at for me!

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

in my case Pamela my wife was floored when I came out to her.
she told me she had no idea and had a nervous breakdown over it.
almost 4 years later she hovers between tolerant and supportive
but our marriage is much different now and I have lost her total
trust forever.

[PaulaQ]

My ex-wife had absolutely no clue about my CDing or my gender issues. I can say this with certainty because when I came out to her, it was a marriage ending event. Had she known at any other time, either before or after we'd started our relationship, I feel quite confident she'd have ended it as well. She has rather rigid ideas about what constitutes gender, and gender roles.

I hid this for years - the feelings and history of gender issues for 20 years. That was easy, I just didn't talk about it. I hid CDing from her for about four years. At first, when it all started up again, I simply bought things while she was out of town at times. I'd carefully purge the day before she returned, checking several times to be sure I hadn't missed anything.

As I began to dress more, purging became prohibitively expensive, so I hid things in places I knew she would never ever look, dressing only when she was asleep. I frequently stayed up later than her, and worked after she slept. I limited the number of times I dressed, to reduce the probability she'd wake up and come downstairs and discover me. This was not easy to do, especially towards the end.

As my gender dysphoria increased, I began to need more - breast forms, wigs, body hair removal. The latter was problematical - it was impossible to hide something like that, and she liked that I was hairy. Unfortunately, hair is one of the big triggers for my GD.

One of the main driver's for coming out to her at all was that I realized discovery was inevitable. I needed this so badly, and so frequently that hiding it was a game I'd lose. I was also so miserable that suicide was something I contemplated quite a lot. So I knew she had to be told, because whether it was dressed, or dead by my own hand, she was going to find out sooner or later.

She had to be told.

[pamela7]

thank you Paula,
Your strapline says it all, for me "i'd rather live a hard truth, than exist in a comfortable lie."

[Pumped]

If 'she' doesn't know about *you* and "her"

Then I have to say it is your fault.

Not my job to criticize here, but truth is the tonic for most ills.

Who are *YOU*??

If you are not being honest about that, the rest falls apart,

- MM

o

When the two choices are divorce, with an otherwise good marriage, either quit dressing, (RIGHT! like that will happen!), or a well hidden stash are the only choices.

[LexiNexi]

Assumptions can be dangerous bedfellows Pamela... never assume anything either way, would be my motto. :)

As to my 'stash', I am 100% certain that my wife cannot discover it... it is simply physically impossible for her to get there...

As far as my habit goes: she knows that I enjoy painting my nails (but I think she thinks it's a throwback to Airfix kit days [thank you Christine...]); she knows that I shave my legs; she encourages me to pluck my eyebrows; she tells me that I dance like a girl... but she's so 'small-c' conservative as to make me avoid any conversations about gender issues, sexuality divergence or alternative 'lifestyles'... I'm pretty sure it would be the last thing she would suspect...

But she knows that she's loved and I'm completely dedicated to her - why would she think anything else..?

And she's at least a couple sizes smaller than me and I've never been tempted to pillage her lingerie or anything else - I know it's a common theme but not all of us do it... :)

Seriously...

Katey x

I'm sure if she saw your avatar she would change her mind. :battingeyelashes:
This is hard but I'm in love with a girl. Do you find you have two lives? one dressed and one with her?

[janettexie]

I know my wife knows but she never speak it out loud. I allways have the hope she will find my hidden lingery accept and confront me.
I am afraid to bringt it in the open myself and face the consequensis. So it all the same with me.
Inside it is still a roller coaster of feelings.

[MissTee]

I have one of those nosey, sometimes plundering wives. For many years early in our marriage my dressing was limited to panties and the occasional lingerie, and then only in the bedroom. Indeed, our annual Valentine's evening tradition became both of us buying sexy female lingerie for each other.

I also kept a bigger stash of other girls clothes hidden where I thought she would not find. Guess you could say I had one foot in the closet and one foot out. When I did finally work up the courage to out myself fully, she simply shrugged and said, "I was wondering when you'd tell me about your other clothes. You know they won't last long you keep them balled up and in a bag like that."

The rest is history.