What to do

[Glenda58]

What to do the wife just told me she been talking to her best friend about me. That I'm a crossdresser. Now we're going over there tomorrow. I don't know what to say. I really don't care who knows but her husband is a red neck and I don't want any problems from him.

[justmetoo]

Own it. I know that's easy to say, harder to do. Fake it if you have to and are able to. What I mean is stay confident and calm. But non-confrontational. Maybe it will be a non-issue, especially if you don't make it an issue. If he tries to make it an issue (or even tries to make it a joke), see the first part of my reply. Best wishes! :)

[happybra]

I would just reply "it is what I like to do" and hand him a beer and move on.

[~Joanne~]

It's funny we hear how the wives are always the ones feeling betrayed then yours does this. I say that because it doesn't sound like you gave her the go ahead to tell anyone that she wanted too and they wonder why we keep this secret so long? I wish I had advice for you, I guess going and owning it would work or staying home would work too. I guess it's up to you as to what you do. Let us know how it turns out.

[Kate T]

Do you trust your wife?? If you do then she wouldn't have told this friend if she thought that it would be a problem for you. If you don't then why are you married?

[Rachelakld]

My bet, wifes friend knows her husband, and would know to tell him or not to tell him.
My bet is you'll both have a beer and chill out doing what you normally do

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Yikes. The thing is she needs to confide in someone, and who apparently better than a best friend.

You say you really don't care who knows- well here's an opportunity to test your mettle! You could explain to your wife that what she has done may jeopardize any future socializing with that couple as a foursome- that might give her pause for thought. I'm guessing she asked her BF not to tell anyone- most SOs don't want the fact broadcast. It remains to be seen how loyal a friend the BF truly is.

Good luck tonight Glenda, we'll be thinking about you.

[charlenesomeone]

It will probably be evident early on if it has changed anything amongst the other couple.
Wishing you the best, let us know how it works out.
Hugs

[Claire Cook]

Funny, I have sort of the same situation. Camille across the street knows about Claire, and we've been planning a Girls' Day Out shopping. Mark is a macho guy that I play golf with. Don't know if he knows, the subject has never come up. But I get the feeling that they have issues, and that she would rather talk to Claire than to my drab personna.

So let us know how this plays out.

[Marcelle]

Hi Glenda,

I would just go over and see what happens. It may be a big non-issue with your wife's BF and things may go on normally with no mention of your CDing. Did she tell here husband? It really depends on the type of person she is. If she can't keep a secret then she probably spilled the beans. Again, just let it play out and see what transpires . . . it may be no big thing.

Hugs

Isha

[pamela7]

Hang on guys, this could be a really dangerous situation if it triggers alpha-sub behaviour.
However, if challenged, explain it in ways he might hear - you prefer the softer fabric, it's a sexual thing, that most CD'ers are hetero (he'll need to hear that), that its many more people than anyone says.

[Teresa]

Glenda,
You assume the husband is a "Red neck ", you could be in for a surprise !
Glenda you probably have most of the answers if the guy gives you a hard time it's just deciding if it's worth it or not !

[Shelly Preston]

There are two questions here

1) does her husband know

2) what will his reaction be

I guess if the wife does not suspect he will be ok she wont have told him and the subject might never come up

If he does know and is not to keen on the idea of your choices I can see both ladies telling him to behave for your benefit

[adrienner99]

Years ago I came out to a girl I knew. She was supportive, and we even went shopping together. From the first moment, I made it clear to her I did not want anyone else to know. She swore she would never tell anyone. About two weeks later, she told a guy she was dating. So much for trusting your friends.

[Pat]

I can't help but think it's going to be a non-issue. How would the topic even come up? "Bill, Janet was telling me the other day that Bob here is a crossdresser. Say something in drag for us, Bob..."

[trishacd]

I had someone tell me about a co worker that dressed. I said "whats wrong with that"as im wearing panties and womans jeans at the time i was told.

[DanielleLee]

This is a tough situation. I really don't know of (not that I have a plethora of experience in this area) too many spouses, who end up being able to keep this to themselves. Do I think she should have come to you and asked for your permission to disclose... yes I do. I also believe that you should let her do so. (please note I'm not saying you wouldn't have) My advise to you would be to talk with her and asked why she felt that she needed to do that behind your back.

As far as the "red-neck" goes. I'm sure you know your neighbor well enough to make that description. Keep in mind however that we as a collective group have more experience with hiding and acting/living outwardly as masculine as possible to offset our feminine leanings. Do we ever know what happens behind our neighbors' closed doors?

I think at this point all you can do, in addition to talking with your wife, is to go with the flow and see where it takes you. Good Luck to you. It may be a non-issue and something that doesn't even come up this evening.

[AnnieMac]

Well DUH!, That's what you get for wearing women's clothes. Kind of comes with the territory, especially since it won't be accepted by mainstream society for many years yet, although there is some snails pace movement in that direction. Don't worry about him, the only problem he will have is with himself. Just tell him its fun and he should try it sometime.

And I love GGs to death, but not a one I know can keep a secret! Especially one this good. If you want to keep your clothes choice to yourself, you really can't tell anyone.

[Genifer Teal]

The thing is she needs to confide in someone, and who apparently better than a best friend.

Agreed. She needs to talk about it. All you can do is trust she made the right choice who to talk to. There is no guarantee she will or won't tell her husband. If the friend is ok with it and knows her husband won't get it, she may be smart enough not to mention it. Nothing worth worrying about until you see how it plays out.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hmmm .. unless you have told your wife it is OK to talk to others about your dressing, this is a pretty severe breach of trust and something you should talk to her about!

Having said that, here are some other thoughts:
It is very understandable that you wife feel a need to talk to someone else about it. I dont know your relationship with your wife, if she is accepting or is struggling with this, but, where most men are good at bottling up feelings, concerns, sorrow etc and just keep it inside, most women share these things as a way of coping with it.
They do this for different reasons, one is to not feel alone with the issue and another is to seek confirmation from others that they are being unfairly treated! This is a danger zone when it comes to CD'ing or anything else a hubby does which is outside of the norm. If that is why she told her friend, then you need to be worried because she may be building a "case" against you.

A lot depends on how you yourself really feel about it. If what you said is true, that you really dont care who knows, then you can deal with whatever comes I'm sure. Just take it in stride, have a couple good comebacks ready if anyone brings it up, and then be prepared to go home if it turns bad. Who knows, it might become a good opportunity to let your friends know that you dont really give a hoot what they think about it!

Also, you might be surprised to find out how many soft girly men hide behind a redneck facade!

But .. your wife should have talked to you about it first, IMHO.

- Suzie

[SherriePall]

Were arrangements made to go over there done before your wife told her friend or afterwards? If the visit is still on, then things must be cool. And remember, those of us who were in closet and told our wives, put our wives in the closet too.
I agree that if she needed someone else to talk to about your dressing, she should have given you some sort of heads-up.

[bridget thronton]

I hope things go well.

[TxCassie]

Maybe he dresses too? Maybe? :battingeyelashes:

[MsLana]

This is one of them deals where the bullet has been fired and there aint no calling it back...just hope it don't hit nothing...on the other hand...if the "redneck hub" can't deal with it or whatever...leave..simple as that....maybe his wife hasn't said anything to him???...good luck.....I DO agree with the other girl's posts about she should have spoken to YOU first...after all you have trusted her with whats probably your most guarded secret....

[Isabella Ross]

Yup, I'm with Suzie above. Severe breach of trust. But if the husband knows, and hasn't refused to let you come over or be around when you come over, I suspect there might be some acceptance offered.

[Beverley Sims]

Glenda,
I hope for your sake it is a positive reaction.
Rednecks are not always adverse to their friends.

[MsVal]

Glenda, it's time to activate the plan.

You believe something significant has happened and it affects your relationship with others. You did not cause this to happen, but it did, and now people may react to it. What should you do?

At a management seminar many years ago I learned these three tips for handling unexpected, unplanned events (good or bad).

1. Own it. Don't hide from it; don't wait for someone else to own it; make it yours. Define what "it" is before someone else comes up with a definition that is unfavorable.
2. Get in front of it. This is your opportunity. Become the local expert in "it'. Develop a plan for dealing with "it". Don't let anyone else take "it" away from you.
3. Manage it. You've taken ownership, defined it, and developed a plan, now execute your plan and take credit for your accomplishment.

Best wishes
MsVal

[haylee_burnett]

thats what I was thinking,

Maybe he dresses too? Maybe? :battingeyelashes:

[suchacutie]

The thing left unsuggested is to plan this out with your wife. She talked to her friend, so it's time to ask her what her intentions were and what she expected the consequences to be. She could have been clueless initially, but when you point out the situation to her, it is also now a part of her situation. You need to go into this together.

If that conversation turns negative, it very well might be time for plan B.

[Lorileah]

Hmmm .. unless you have told your wife it is OK to talk to others about your dressing, this is a pretty severe breach of trust and something you should talk to her about!



Yup, I'm with Suzie above. Severe breach of trust.

How so? Did the OP make a statement that she didn't want her wife to talk about it? C'mon, do you REALLY expect anyone to keep any secret? Wanna bet you SO has told a family member otr her best friend about your love making or money or how you sit around the house with a hand in your waist band watching "What not to wear"? :facepalm: you all have enough on your plate than to start throwing things at your SO about who she talked to

[Suzie Petersen]

Lorileah: No, unfortunately I also dont think anyone can have any reasonable expectation that any secret will be kept. But, that does not make it acceptable or right to share that secret!

In Glenda's post, she makes it pretty clear that this was unexpected and ask the question of what do I do now? So it seems pretty clear that this was not share by agreement.

Many of the 'coming out to the wife' stories I have heard over the years, have a big element of the wife being very concerned about "What if someone else finds out?". We often talk about the unfortunate fact, that sharing this part of us with our wifes, puts them in the same situation as we were in ourselves, having to hide a secret. This can be a tough burden to put on someone else, especially on your wife, but we justify it with the thought that there should be no secrets between spouses.
It is very understandable that a wife feel a need to talk to someone about this, and personally I think it is only reasonable to tell the wife, along with the disclosure, that if she need to talk to someone, that is OK. But, and this is what I said to mine, I want to know who, such that I dont walk into some unpleasant situation unprepared. I think that is reasonable too.

In a marriage relationship, there should be a level of trust. A feeling of safety and a belief that both watches out for the other. Always, also when it is not going well for whatever reason. As soon as one of the partners steps outside that circle, the marriage is at risk! If you get to the point of having to consider what you say to your spouse and consider if this is OK ending up in the local gossip, the marriage is at risk.

So, why is the divorce rate as high as it is? Well .....

I have no idea what you mean by the last part of your comment.

I hope Glenda comes back to let us know more about the situation and how that get together went.

- Suzie

[BillieAnneJean]

Own it. Like someone who has been to the moon when talking to another who is too afraid or bound to convention. Don't come across as superior. Just seem like you did it and are danged happy you did!

Think a football player or boxer who won Dancing With The Stars as he talks to the guys in the locker room.

"Yeh dude. It was way different than anything I ever thought I would do. But it was FUN and I experienced a part of life that I never would have expected. And I can still tear down an engine and put it back together without help. Or drywall. Or pour concrete. Or weld. Or pee standing up. Or make my SO happy."

[Pat]

I have a certain amount of trouble rationalizing the secrecy angle. A CD husband tells his wife The Secret ("I'm a crossdresser.") That creates two secrets: the crossdresser's secret and the wife's secret ("My husband is a crossdresser.") The wife tells her secret to a friend. Admittedly, hubby's secret is easily derived from that, but I'm not sure there's a broken trust issue. The husband burdened his wife with this secret. Does that really mean the wife loses ownership of HER secret? Is she really not allowed to seek comfort or relief of her secret? What about her friend who now has her own secret ("My friend's husband is a crossdresser") -- if she shares that has she betrayed the husband? Has she betrayed her friend? Where's the line where you can tell people that they can't share THEIR secrets because it tips off yours? It's a very sticky situation.

Let's just hope it all works out for the OP.

[AlanaG]

I agree with those that said "own it". I've been wearing skirts in public for a few months now. The wife asks "what if someone you work with sees you"? I do it as a guy. There is no way anyone would see me as a guy trying to be a woman. I told her that I wouldn't care. I am what I am and I like to do what gives me pleasure. If the "coworker" couldn't deal then that is their problem.

[Glenda58]

Well it's over nothing happen. The wife's BF talk with me about diet and cloths that my wife was wearing. He and I talk about going golfing and doing a NASCAR race together at MIS. So I don't think he knows. Then we went out to eat for V day to a nice place on the water and talk about boating.

[Suzie Petersen]

Good to hear the world didn't end Glenda.

I am curious though ... your wife's BF talked to you about diet and the clothes your wife was wearing?? Are these normal topics the two of you discuss when you are together? Or was she fishing for you to open up about your own interest in female garments perhaps!

[susy]

mmm maybe he just want to know you better