Why is it so hard to come out?

[LexiNexi]

I like to think I have a pair and can tackle life. Why is this so hard?

[Pat]

Fear. The answer is always fear. Usually fear of loss: home, family, job. Often fear of being disrespected. (How will the guys at the motorcycle club treat you when they find out?) Most of us have been programmed to project a manly image. There's no societal role for men who don't project that image except to be objects of derision. We don't want to be derided (deridden?) so we keep the pretense up. I'm of the opinion that this explains why many men come out late in life when they're somewhat past caring about all that. Or we're willing to trade that for inner peace.

[Nadine Spirit]

I will second the fear idea. The fear of loss is very strong. The consequences could be very big.

But... I have yet to experience anything negative from being out. Out as in, everyone who sees me knows I am gender non-conforming when I dress as a male. My wife, my sister, and some close friends know about me fully cding. Regardless of what I have chosen to tell anyone, no one has done anything but touch my heart with their kindness and understanding.

[beatriz]

hello girls. i agree with both of you, fear is the principla obstacle to beat, but also here is a bigger fear to domain.. ourselves fear...to live and to feel what we are.. greatings.. from mexico.......

[Jenniferathome]

Come out to whom?

[bridget thronton]

Fear of the unknown

[FoxxxyBri]

Fear. The answer is always fear. Usually fear of loss: home, family, job. Often fear of being disrespected. (How will the guys at the motorcycle club treat you when they find out?) Most of us have been programmed to project a manly image. There's no societal role for men who don't project that image except to be objects of derision. We don't want to be derided (deridden?) so we keep the pretense up. I'm of the opinion that this explains why many men come out late in life when they're somewhat past caring about all that. Or we're willing to trade that for inner peace.

^ What she said.

[Shelly Preston]

This is always a question of what we hope to gain by coming out.

Those who are transitioning will have to come out at some point but for everyone else its a judgement call.

Its difficult because you have to consider what you can lose. Will it affect your neighbours and how will they react. Work colleagues may not be happy either. We can never be sure of acceptance, if we could life would be a lot simpler.

[Jeri Ann]

I second the emotion. Our greatest fear is the fear of rejection. that is why, in some cultures, the worst punishment is shunning.
Rejection is a major cause of suicide. It is so powerful that it can override the fear of death.

Jeri

[Teresa]

Jennie-cd,
I wish the last part of your sentence was as easy and true as that, I may not care as much but wife and family still need convincing !

[Marcelle]

Hi Lexi,

Fear is a big driver to not come out but IMHO it is not the fear of the unknown but loss of the male self. As Shelly pointed out those who are TS will eventually have to come out in order to bring emotional balance to their lives (they have no choice). For the rest of us we have a choice "we can or we cannot" and our personal circumstances will dictate when and to whom we come out. Now for the loss . . . yes we risk the potential loss of friends, family, livelihood but I also believe that fundamentally we who are not TS risk loosing a part of us should we choose to admit publically we like to dress like women. Society dictates, it is wrong for a man to want to act feminine, it does not make sense, it is odd . . . pick your poison. Once you make the active decision to come out you are in effect giving up a part of you masculinity by embracing publicly your cross dressing. Naturally as I indicated earlier, it is not the sole reason but I think this also has a place in explaining why some will not come out publically.

Hugs

Isha

[jeank]

I think fear does play major part, but also there is the social interaction part.

If we blend in with social norms then for the most part our interactions with others are based on who we are as people - the opinions we hold and how we relate to others. If we then present as a woman, then that part of our character is likely to dominate the way other people interact with us for a while. Particularly those who have known us for a long time.....

[Dianne S]

I think there are a myriad reasons why we find it hard to come out. Yes, fear of course, but that's not the ultimate cause... it's just the result of the ultimate causes. Here's what I think makes it hard:

Religion: The three big Western religions frown on homosexuality and crossdressing. Those of us from a religious background or who live in a religious community risk anything from ostracism to death if we come out.

Misogyny: Most societies devalue women, so men who are seen as wanting to be (or act like) women are thought to be lowering themselves and are thought to be somehow defective. IMO, there's much less sensational gossip about FTM transsexuals, and lesbianism doesn't seem to provoke the visceral dissaproval that male homosexuality does... I think because women aren't considered important.

Conformity: In some societies, people would otherwise be quite tolerant of transgenderism feel they have to speak out against it unless they are seen has being "gay" or a "sissy". This is similar to the racist epithet of "Nigger-lover" applied to white people who supported Black civil rights back in the 50's and 60's.

I think ultimately, it all comes down to pressure to conform. Most people in society manage to conform to its norms without suppressing their authentic selves. We cannot, so we have a stark choice before us. And that is scary.

[MissTee]

Trepidation. I really do not worry or fear for me, but for my family. They did not ask for this burden and I do not want to cast it upon them either. Life is tough enough without the fallout my public gender bending would cause.

[vicky_cd99_2]

Fear is a motivating factor in staying in the closet. There are a few people I know that would be cool about it. Many people would not be and it would impact some of my wife's relationships and that would not be fair to her, yes she is one of the few people who know. As far as the motorcycle club goes since that question was asked. That could be a very violent thing since the motorcycle club is one of the big 4 "outlaw" clubs. While I am not a member I am around them a lot. The fact that I have project a seriously macho image for the many years while struggling with my issues of my own acceptance has made life since my own acceptance just as tough.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Lexi;

For me the issue is certainly not fear. I'm choosing to come out to folks in a way that does not create any confusion or ambiguity. On the general public side I' go about the majority of my business as myself. I've strarted to come out to people who are increasingly close to. Havent reached the inner circle as yet but it is not that far off. For those I'm not out to formally one would say I'm very androginous and when I do make the final step it won't come as a shock at all. But for now until I can be 100% it is what it is and although it's occasionally stressful for me I don't have to be concerned with them trying to figure out who I am at the time... The natal me or the me that I've known all my life I should be. This may sound complicated but transitioning is a complicated space on so many levels. One day this will all be but a memory in the history books.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Beverley Sims]

Like Bungy Jumping, it's the fear of the unknown.
Is the elastic going to break and drop my knickers. :)

[scarletcd]

I concur with everyone here. It's the fear of not knowing.

[Tiffany Jane]

Lexi, simply stated, I would feel as though I am handing said pair over to society in exchange for acceptance. I wish I could say that trusting family and friends is a strong suit but unfortunately I can't say I would trust them to keep it amongst themselves and me as that is as far as I would like the umbrella of knowing to expand at this time.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Come out when you feel you are ready, not because you think you should. It's a permanent step which should be taken very seriously.

[susy]

mmm for me i'm scared to lose what i have like friend that don't understand or maybe also give some trouble at work

[Brandy Mathews]

Miss Tee,
You are exactly right. I know that for a fact. Somebody hacked into my computer years ago and found out tha I am a cd. And, after years, my brother and sister found out. It is known all over town that I am, no thanks to them. So, whenever I go out to eat, or whatever, I get the whispering, the looks. Sometimes I think that I should come out. Why not, everybody knows anyway. I do think that if I ever did, that I would into getting my breasts done, and who knows after that. I really love dressing as a woman. I can't say that after dressing for 20 yars that transitioning hasn't crossed my mind. But, that is opening up a whole different can of worms.
Take care hun.
Bree

[Rogina B]

It all matters how important it is for you ! It helps a lot if you lay your groundwork in advance. I returned from South America ten years ago and began my social transition.I made no new friends as Roger,only as Rogina.And I had the advantage of having been away for years so I could pick and choose as to what former associates I would keep and others I would distance myself from. This has made my social transition go very smooth for me.If someone doesn't get it,then it really doesn't matter as I have built acceptance in so many others. One thing that holds some girls back from being out is that they have projected a very false image of their inner self to those around them. That sometimes drives the fear[which may be real] that those around them won't embrace or accept their new public self.Testosterone fueled relationships are the hardest to deal with for these people as "they are seen" as being a certain way by those friends. Life can be an adventure if you want to keep it one!

[StephiSpring]

As I sit at home on a cold morning wearing lace trimmed panties and bra, for me, it is the fear of rejection. This is not just for my crossdressing, but this has been a fundamental fear for as long as I can remember. I do not do well at all with criticism or rejection.

[Sarasometimes]

Great thread and discussion. For me fear of the unknown is a factor but not the biggest. My big ones are doubts that I could continue in my job which I love and which pays my bills, for reasons not protected by any laws but having to do with individual acceptance which cannot be mandated. Secondly and closely related is that I don't want to give up my masculine pursuits/expression for my feminine ones (this is an obstacle MTF transsexuals don't have to consider). My society is very binary and I don't fit into either the 1 or the 0. I'm both a one and a zero in my gender expression needs and at both ends of that spectrum.
Coming out would just, at best make me trade one for the other leaving me in the same spot just with less acceptance all around and at the expense of my family because they would be in the same predicament I'd be in.

[Lily Catherine]

I would say fear and/or risk of loss is at the core. In the same sense, of course, that one may construe that all crimes are a variation of theft.

And of course let's not forget that conformity is treated as a panacea for avoiding said loss; a heavy emphasis on order, suppression and discipline (and by extension, repression) is not unheard of in multiple circles. From personal experience alone, I've been told to 'resist temptations', 'control (my) urges' etc. when dealing with the CD issue, which my family consider a perversion / addiction.

[MsVal]

Why is it so hard to come out, you ask? Perhaps because we've worked so hard to keep it in.
In addition to all the good ideas presented so far, there is the undoing of the 'self' that we've projected for so many years. How do you go about invalidating the masculine and validating the feminine, without invalidating the person?

Best wishes
MsVal

[flatlander_48]

While there are some common themes here, there are some notable differences. There are some things that we share, but there is a uniqueness that stems from when, where and how we grew up and MANY other factors. We are a diverse group and our strength is in that diversity. It reminds us that there are many ways of looking at our lives and ourselves. There is never just one question and there is never just one answer.

Coming out is always a difficult proposition; for everyone. I agree with fear being a major factor, but it works internally and externally. It also relates to control.

Externally, there are always consequences. Some people will move closer to us, others will move away completely and still others will move to arm's length. There is unpredictability in this, unfortunately. But, we must always remember that after we tell those people who we want to tell, the narrative takes on a life of its own. We may request secrecy and most will respect that. But, things will likely get passed along at some point; whether inadvertently or by design. We have to prepare for that because the possibility always exists. We can't control that.

Internally, we're working against our histories and an a lifetime of socialization as males. Somehow we have to admit to ourselves that our perceptions and the life we envision going forward will be significantly changed. What it does is put us on unsteady ground and we're not sure about what to think and what it all means.

For me, I feel that coming out as a bisexual person is very different from coming out as a crossdresser. Probably 25-30 people specifically know that I am bisexual. Probably double that number strongly suspect that I'm not straight, but without specifics. I view crossdressing very differently in that it is something that the population at large doesn't really understand. They think they know, but virtually all of it is erroneous. Prior to this past December, only 5 people knew that I dressed and one of them is my wife. But, I attended a gathering for crossdressers so now there's another 25 or so people who know about me. It is, however, like preaching to the choir. Further, in an effort to understand, people will invariably ask the Why question. Very few, if any of us, can answer that.

In both cases, my wife is the only family member who knows. I don't feel the need to have 8-10 conversations about what I do and attempt to justify it in their eyes. And, as it sits now, I don't see much chance that I will change my mind.

We must always remember that there is unpredictability to all of this. We can't say exactly what the reactions to our truths will be. We don't know how consequences may play out and when. If I had to pick a time when one should make these disclosures, I would say when it becomes a burden to maintain the secrecy, then it is time to let it go. It will only become more painful and isolating as time goes on...

DeeAnn

[Suzanne F]

Everyone knows except work at this point that I am TS. It hasn't been all easy but it has been worth it! The world has not ended and I am free to be me except a few days a week in front of customers. It was inevitable for me as I am gradually transitioning. I understand and respect cross dressers who decide to limit those they tell. I just want to say It is possible to come out and have a positive experience.
Suzanne

[Michala]

Not sure I have a fear as much as "What is there to gain?" I have come to realize that I will never look very feminine so what is the point in spending much time to blend in? I'm comfortable just dressing occasionally in my home or when on a trip and satisfied with that. Sure I would most likely suffer some rejection if I was open, but that's because of the reason's stated above. I would never be mistaken for a woman so why try. If I lived in an area with a support group I think I wouild be comfortable in a closed setting such as that but out in public would not be comfortable for me.

[Rogina B]

It hasn't been all easy but it has been worth it! The world has not ended and I am free to be me except a few days a week in front of customers. It was inevitable for me as I am gradually transitioning. I understand and respect cross dressers who decide to limit those they tell. I just want to say It is possible to come out and have a positive experience

I agree completely! Friends that don't accept,never were anyway.. Surround yourself with accepting people that are genuine,and there will be no one to fear.

[PaulaQ]

I like to think I have a pair and can tackle life. Why is this so hard?

Because so many in this world are quite transphobic, the stakes are really quite high. And it is very difficult to know how people will react to something like this. It can vary from "I lost everything", to "Really, not much changed, but I feel better", and every possible combination in between.

I know people who are fine. Not very much about their lives changed, even in transition.
And I know people who will never work again in a field where they've had long and successful careers.
I know people who stayed married, and kept their family.
I know people who have been abandoned by their spouse, friends, and families, and are even persecuted and harassed by their former churches.

It's like spinning a big wheel of fortune, but one where most of the spots on which the wheel can stop result in some loss of something from your life. (Some of us lose our lives, for that matter.) If you don't lose much, or come out modestly ahead, you win.

[Barbara Black]

Wow, so many good reasons and explanations. I never even thought about half of them, but they are all outstanding reasons that apply to me very well. This post should be highlighted on some way, made easier for CDs to find so that they can understand their own difficulties. As a slight aside, try coming out as an Atheist as well (I'm sure this is common since religions have a problem with crossdressing and Transitioning). While not as difficult, as this thread shows, those opposed to being an Atheist have the same demonic opinion of those who don't behave in the proper, accepted sexual designations. I'm not from the bible belt, but the noose is pretty strong up here in Wisconsin as well.

[Mandybr]

I think the main problem is work. If you work in big companies the problem is even bigger...corporate culture is a bitch!
So yeah, gotta hide it well or get ready for major rejection as Texgirl said...

[ReineD]

Humans have a fundamental need to belong and by and large, their biggest fear is of being rejected and abandoned by others. Furthermore, people who don't meet their belonging needs suffer from behavioral and psychological issues. The need to belong is as basic to most of us as the need to breathe and this holds true across all cultures.

If you're into social psychology, read articles written by Dr. Roy Baumeister. His "Need-to-Belong" theory was cited (according to scholar.google) over 8,000 times in research articles. You can also google "social rejection".

It makes sense that people who need to behave in ways that are deemed socially unacceptable will experience conflict. They need to be who they are, but by doing so they risk rejection. It's not only crossdressers, but anyone else who has a need to present in ways that society rejects such as adult babies, rubberists/leatherists, nudists (they actually break the law if they are nude outside of nudist camps), and even women who enjoy complete sexual freedom are ostracized by other women when they express themselves in ways that others label as "loose". There have been great legal strides made in recent decades within the homosexual community but even then, people still look askance when they see same-sex couples holding hands or kissing in public .

BTW I'm not saying that cross-gender or any other expression is unacceptable, I support everyone who needs to be themselves, but we do live in a society that still mistrusts it and other forms of nonconforming expression and there are still large pockets of people who will ostracize people who do not conform to social norms.

So the best advice I have is to find a niche of people who will accept you, and hang out with them. If you can become close to a few people who accept you as you are, you will have your belonging needs met.

[Eryn]

For me it is the fear of it effect on my employment. While California has some of the best TG protections in place there are just so many things that could happen that I don't care to be the test case. I don't want to give half of my retirement savings on lawyers to prove that I was discriminated against. When my retirement is assured I'll be quite a lot braver.

[Kimonogirl]

Due to very arrogant Korean GG's?
Of course they never offend us directly but they always show extreme hatred in BEHIND.

[trisha kobichenko]

I can relate to this. I kept it in forever, when I came out I didn't want to reject what I consider to be at least one half of who I am. I need to validate both, because there are aspects of each that I enjoy being.
trish

[Cheryl T]

We all crave acceptance and love and the thought of being bashed, flamed, ostracized and such is a difficult pill to swallow.
It took many years for me to reach the breaking point where I knew if I didn't step out of the closet I would lose my mind. Now that I have I find it's not such a daunting task after all. Yes, there are prices to be paid in many cases and we each much decide how our balance sheet looks.