Dressing with wife

[kyla_cd]

So clothes have arrived, and we are ready to set a night to introduce Kyla to my wife, she wants to help and make a night of it. Part of me is ecstatic but part of me wants to still keep it secret and I think I worry that she won't look at me the same after. Love to hear from GG's here, is there a change about how you felt about your husband once you saw his other side? Thanks.

xoxo
Kyla

[DeeNile]

I am currently trying to work on this exact thing. I am eager to read the responses too. So far, its been strictly talking about it. I have pushed and asked for very little. The other day i mentioned that this was a part of me; something that i am COMPELLED to do, and it affects me when i dont. I asked her if she would be upset if i underdressed around her. She was unsure until i told her that i already had. That rattled her. She wanted to know when. The truth was daily for two werks, but i said last sunday. We shall see where this all goes .

[Laura28]

I am interested in the response as well. My wife has no problem I dress and underdress all the time she live me shaved smooth all over she lives my nail polish on my toes we usally match. She is OK seeing me in bra panties nylons even ok if I have bumps on chest (as she calls them). Likes to see the pictures of me fully dressed as long as I don't overload her. But she has said many times I don't really want to see you fully dressed, maybe someday but not yet. So I don't push it, but it also makes me nervous if she ever says she would like to meet laura I am not sure if I would because I am not sure how here reaction would be and how it could effect us in the future. We have been together for 40 years married for 33. Still deeply in love and best friends .

[Eryn]

When you are going from secrecy to openness it is natural to have a period of transition where each of you feels a bit awkward. As long as you both are aware of this and keep a good sense of humor the transition will be smooth.

Initially, I was hesitant to show myself in the "in-between" state. As we got more comfortable with my new reality this uneasyness went away and we are just two people getting ready to go out. Of course, it takes me twice as long as Mimi!

One caution: Unless she really wants to fall into the role, don't expect your SO to be a tour guide to the female world. She may want to help, to give advice, etc., but take responsibility for your own clothing and makeup. You'll learn faster and it will be less stressful for you both.

[Sierra_juliette]

There is definitely no standard answer. Some change for the better some worse, personally I have a higher opinion and respect for my husband after seeing him and helping him dress. It takes ultimate trust and openness for him to have done so and that to me is the most sexy and amazing thing ever.

I am more of a pansexual person, I am attracted to people so for me dressing doesn't change my opinion on that aspect.

[SharonDenise]

I told my wife while we were still dating. She gave me her acceptance and support for 40+ years. Unfortunately, the better half of me died last year. When I'm ready, I would like to remarry or have a companion that would be as accepting and supporting as my angel in heaven was. I would tell her about my cross dressing after our relationship reached a certain point and hope for the best. I could not marry and keep SharonDenise a secret.

[ReineD]

Love to hear from GG's here, is there a change about how you felt about your husband once you saw his other side?

I didn't change my view of my SO after I found out. I had known him casually for about 3 years before we started dating, and I thought he was super hot. He told me about the CDing in the first week of dating, and I saw it as an extension of who he is, not a replacement. But then my views are rather liberal and this is a second relationship for both of us (kids are all grown up, we both made our mistakes with our first partners, etc).

Tell her that you're concerned that she'll look at you differently, and tell her that you don't want her to do this. Ask her what she thinks. Might as well start talking about the deeper things now, it will be good practice for later on, if the CDing evolves to wanting to do more than she is comfortable with. The trick to making this work in any relationship is communication, communication, and more communication.

[Danitgirl1]

Hi Kyla
I too was terrified that my wife's perceptions of me would change after I told her about the crossdressing.
She was the one who wanted to see my stuff and then wanted to see me dressed...
I am not 100% sure if her perception of me has changed or not.
I am now at peace with whatever comes.
On the one hand if she does change her view of me, so what? If she thought I was a macho mcp before and now sees a more feminine, softer me, then this is the more authentic and 'real' me anyway so maybe it is better if her perception changes, a little?
I sometimes think men are far more worried about how they are perceived than is warranted. Our definition of sexuality is so narrow and so bound up in fear of the negative that we forget that many women prefer a softer, more caring less macho man anyway...
Hope this makes sense.
:hugs:
:2c:

[PaulaQ]

My wife decided she was ready to meet me a couple of months after I'd come out to her as trans. I wasn't so sure that was a good idea, but the hope I might be able to present as a woman around her sometime made me give it a try.

It was a spur of the moment thing - she called me while she was driving home from her therapist. (She was seeing someone to help her deal with all of this.) Normally this would've been the signal for me to change back to boy mode. But this time, she told me she was ready to see me.

So she came home, and I walked out of my office. She was surprised that my clothing was conservative, and thought I looked a bit like my sister. She thought I looked a lot better than she'd imagined. We talked - she asked if I had a name yet. I told her I was Paula, and explained the reasons I'd chosen it.

We talked a while, ate dinner, and then went upstairs to watch a TV program together. I was thrilled by that idea. The notion that I could just sit next to her, finally as myself.

That lasted for a few minutes, and then she told me she needed to go and lie down, and for me to please not come into the bedroom.

It really was the last straw for my marriage. She asked me to leave a month later, and we separated and divorced.

Nearly two years later, she will not look at me. Interestingly enough, she also won't speak with or meet with my sister. She reminds her too much of me, apparently.

[Danitgirl1]

Wow Paula that is a very sad story.
I wonder (without getting more personal than you are comfortable with) what the other straws were?
I appreciate that being TG puts additional strain on the marriage, but what other strains were there?
Would a healthy marriage survive a TG spouse no matter what or are some spouses simply unable to cope?
I think this is an unanswerable question as only those in the marriage can know, but often we have blind spots that prevent us from seeing the 'truth'...

[Welshgirl]

I'll be quite honest, I didn't know what to expect myself when I first saw Pamela dressed. It wasn't a thing that happened all in one go - we went from her underdressing, to spending hours clothes shopping online, to them finally arriving and having a big trying on session.

If you go and look at the post SO meltdown, you will see that I did have a bit of a hard time with it on that one occasion, largely because my OH got so excited with it all, and then discovered that wearing a bra was unbelievably erotic too, that I felt like the dressing was more important than I was.

Luckily we communicate very openly and quickly about things like this, and the sadness was soon resolved. Probably the most important thing for me was that Pamela went to great lengths to reassure me that it was only with me and for me that all this eroticism happened, and reassured me that he loved me more than anything else in the world.

Oddly, I still get twitchy when Pamela is getting fully dressed (not just wandering round the house in ladies' things, but fully kitted up in wig and makeup too). It took me a while to work out exactly why, but it turned out that I feel responsible for all the finer details of how well presented she is! As I am the GG, I have more experience and I couldn't let Pamela go out with something not done correctly. We are in early days yet, so I think with more practice and familiarity for both of us then it will all be much more comfortable.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kyla,

IMHO the key thing is to ensure your wife is truly ready to see you dressed as it can be disconcerting with the big reveal. If she is ready then set an agreeable time and just go for it. My wife and I struggled a bit on this one and I was a bit embarrassed to let her see me dressed once I started experimenting with make-up and clothes. We decided that the first real time I would dress, she would help with the make-up transition so I donned a bathrobe and into the bathroom we went where we worked on my make-up. My wife found it easier to understand as she saw that while I looked different I was the same person below the make-up. Once the make-up was completed, she left and I dressed. We have come a long way since then and my wife has seen me completely en femme and points in between.

Good advice from Eryn . . . your wife may not mind being a passenger on your journey but she may not want to be your co-pilot. It does not mean she doesn't love you or care, it is just something she is not willing to do. For example, my wife has no issue with me dressing or going out but she will not go out with me. It is not because she is embarrassed by me but more she does not want to see the meanness of people or the hurt in my eyes (we had a bad experience the first and last time she went out with me). I don't fault her for that as she is my rock and guiding force in all other things.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

I wonder (without getting more personal than you are comfortable with) what the other straws were?
I appreciate that being TG puts additional strain on the marriage, but what other strains were there?
Would a healthy marriage survive a TG spouse no matter what or are some spouses simply unable to cope?

Although no one ever believes it, and believe you me, I've had many long time forum members here INSIST that my marriage must've sucked because my wife was unaccepting, our marriage was fine. We'd been together 19 years by that point, married for 16. Ours was the marriage everyone, including us, expected to last forever.

The next obvious objection is "Aha! You transitioned!!!! You are one of those transsexuals!!! You can't expect a woman to be with another woman!!!!! She married a man!!!!!!!!!!"

Yeah OK, you got me. Yeah, I transitioned. But let's consider several points:
1. I didn't tell her I was going to transition. I still hoped to avoid that.
2. I didn't start any transition stuff until after we had already separated.
3. There really is no magic way to distinguish between who will, and who won't transition. You can only tell after the fact.
4. Given the severity of her reaction to the reveal, and my knowledge of her, I feel she would never have accepted this even if I had been "just a CD."

[Beverley Sims]

Kyla,
The only thing I preach is softly, softly and slow.
Try reading your wife's reactions and you may be successful.
Push it and expect disaster.

[Janine02]

Wow, these are post are making me rethink weather I want to come out to my wife. I really want to tell her but the fear of rejection looms. I don't want to lose her, but I can't expect her to take me and except it with open arms. We have dabbled over the years but I'm afraid of what will happen if I want to take I a step farther.

[Angela Marie]

i came out to my wife early in our relationship. As someone else said she saw this as an extension of me and was accepting. We went on vacation a few months later and I had a professional makeover. I'm very small for a guy so passing at least body wise is not an issue. But I don't think she expected me to look as good as I did. We went to dinner and had a nice time but she shies away from going out with me. She is still totally accepting and great. She just prefers I go out on my own. Perhaps someday she'll have a change of heart. But even if she doesn't she has been great about the whole experience.

[MissTee]

Seeing me fully dressed for the first time my wife remarked, "Wow. You're really well put together. I did not expect that." Then she asked me lots of "what's it like, how do you feel with this and that" and shared her perspective on how certain articles of clothing help her feel. After that chat we settled into our normal routine and that was it. Rather anti-climatic.

On occasion she will remark about how she sometimes got to worrying about herself and my "satisfaction" with her. That translated into her worrying about me potentially being with another woman. She finds it amusing that she should have worried about me being another woman rather than with another woman. Likewise, on those occasions where I hear doubt invading her thoughts and creeping into her conversations with me, I have to provide some reassurances. That means I have to show that I am in control of my dressing and that it poses no threat to her.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Good luck and I hope it all goes well for you. Please keep us updated as I believe I will be in the same situation very soon.
Hoping for the best outcome
Victoria D ;)

[PaulaQ]

I'm sorry if my sad story makes some hesitant to either come out, or reveal themselves to their spouse / SO. I told it not to scare you back into the closet, or to encourage you to stay in the closet.

You will find, however, that there is a lot more positive feedback about outcomes on threads like these than negative feedback. People who have sort of horrible outcomes from their reveal are often not too subtly discouraged from talking about that by other posters. A classic way of doing that is to simply blame the CD for the bad outcome. Most people can only take so much of that, and then they leave here.

I personally think we should be out to our spouses / SOs, because a relationship with someone who can't accept you fully is not a relationship worth being in, in my opinion. Lots of people will argue that point with me, and who am I to tell them what's right for them? I make no such assertion - if someone wants to live in a relationship where they hide who they are, have to constantly feel guilty because their partner doesn't like part of who they are - hey, more power to you. But that isn't for me.

I simply like to inform people that outcomes other than rosy are possible, and if you do something, really know how you feel, and what is important to you, and what the possible consequences are, and be OK with them.

Oh, and one other thing most here won't tell you. You have absolutely no control over your partner's reaction to this, or feelings about it. It will be whatever it is - and hopefully that will be a reaction where you can work with them, and get through whatever issues your gender expression creates in the relationship. But nothing is certain. You know your spouse - not the people here.

You know what? When I came out to my wife, almost every person on here at the time who replied told me it would be OK. I knew my wife - and felt otherwise. You know what? I was right - in fact she was the only person I came out to that I guessed the outcome correctly. She hated this all, and it ended our marriage, and even had I just been a CD, it would've ended it. I don't blame anyone here for the advice they gave me. I knew the probable outcome, and did it anyway.

By the way, some of the folks who gave me positive advice about the outcome are also now divorced, some of them no longer present here.

[Suzanne F]

My experience was a little different. I came out to my wife first before anyone in the world 2 years ago. I said yes I wanted to be a woman sometimes. Now I have to admit sometime was inaccurate. That was the best I could do at the time. My wife actually dressed me for the first time that I ever was really fully dressed. It was one of the most touching moments of my life when she took me into see myself in the mirror. So we have gone through all of this together. There have been ups and downs as I have come out and started transitioning. She sees me most of the time as Suzanne. I did take her to Valentine Day date as Brent. I know there are few of those left and I wanted to give her a memory as long as I could. Of course it wasn't the best for me but I think she appreciated the effort and that was worth it.
Suzanne

[UNDERDRESSER]

I have been experimenting more and more with different clothing options. It's still not trying to be a woman. My difficulty is in deciding whether or not something "works" for me, and whether it looks reasonable enough to the mainstream eye. My GF never says anything negative, she will occasionally raise her eyerows, and if I was to go out with her I'm sure there would be some items she will refuse to go along with. I've asked a couple of times whether my clothing has changed her perception of me, and she says no. I do suspect that there is a little change, but she wants to avoid conflict. Difficult if she isn't able to say things. Don't know how to get past that. It's possible I'm being oversensitive.

[Tina_gm]

I am glad you are seeking advice for this and it appears you are looking after your wife so that it goes well for the both of you. From the many posts I have read on here on such subjects, the reactions and feelings of GG's is very individual. Some feel more comfortable when there is a total transformation, while others feel more comfortable when they can still see some presence of their husband or BF, like without wig or makeup etc etc. Some are fine with the clothing but not good when it comes to shaving etc etc. My advice would be to maybe have one more convo about it before it happens and see if maybe she would feel more comfortable if it was done gradually. Say just a pair of jeans or a skirt, or some nail polish. Again, she may rather you just totally dress.

Also, she may be willing to see this, and want this for you, but it is likely going to be awkward for her, especially in the beginning. Please do not take this as a total rejection or lack of acceptance. If it doesn't work out so well, it doesn't have to be a terrible thing, for some, many couples on here, including myself and my wife, my dressing is not done in her presence. She accepts me, gives me time, and just recently given me her biggest acceptance of my gender variance, by giving me flowers on Valentines day. To me, this is as big of a gift of acceptance as any dressing could ever be. For my wife, the thought or sight of me dressed in women's clothes is very difficult. But she accepts that I do this, accepts my femininity. I do wish you the best, but if it doesn't go so well for her, not all has to be lost.

[MsVal]

I'm not a GG; I don't even impersonate one very convincingly.

It seems to me that a wife observing her husband dressed as a woman would certainly change the way that she sees him. That doesn't have to be bad, but at very least it shows a much different part of him than she has seen before.

When, with great anxiety, I showed my wife, she was a bit surprised how good I looked. (It is obvious that we both had very low expectations.) We sat down together, had a nice breakfast, talked for a long time, and did the morning chores as though nothing had happened. But something had happened. It was a pivotal moment.

A few months later, while on a six week vacation I dressed about half the mornings in clothes that we bought together. There was a small amount of tension but we handled it well.

Best wishes
MsVal

[marilyn m]

sorry about that paula
yes i agree with you, two marriages failed for me but hey
who cares you have to be yourself, they both knew about me before we got married,
and seemed to accept my fem side, they do change,

[kyla_cd]

So chatted with my wife. explained that I was hesitant to dress in front of her. She assured me that it's not a big deal, she has seen me in other othes just not fully done up and totally up to me. Which is great but I'm still not entirely sure if I want to bring her into that world which has always been a very private place. Or do we just drink and dress together lowering inhabitions? Very much on the fence at the moment.

[ReineD]

What do you mean, Kyla, by "that world which has always been a very private place".

Other than a fear of being judged negatively, were there any other aspects of your world that were private? Do you feel differently when you are dressed in ways that you do not want to share with your SO?

[kyla_cd]

Well it's always been something I've hidden. Even after she knew it was like a bit DADT, no by her but more just how I approached it. I am very embarrassed by it and feel vulnerable when dressed. I know she loves me and is good with anything I want to do but again I also worry she will not look at me the same. It's really just question to fully open up and show her Kyla or not.

[Brandy Mathews]

It is so nice to have a wife or girlfriend that enjoys us dressing. My ex girlfriend was so good about it. Went shopping together, did each others makeup, nails. I grew so close to her doing that and I think that she got closer too. And I think that it scared her away because she had a hard time with commitment. I miss her so bad though. So feel lucky if you have a SO that includes the dressing part in their lives.
Bree :)

[SandraB]

Just came out to my wife about dressing in women's lingerie 2 weeks ago. I was always embarrassed about it and think I only recently fully accepted myself that it is part of who I am. I then decided I had no option but tell my wife as I'm sure to be discovered one of the days and if that happens, my wife may lose trust in me. I love her very much and our relationship is the most important thing in my life. However, cross dressing is also part of who I am and felt I had to let her know. She accepted it saying it is part of normal behaviour and doesn't do anyone any harm. This was a great relief and I'm much more at ease with myself for having shared this part of me.
My wife did say however that she would not make love with me while I'm dressed in lingerie. I can accept that. So far, I dress most every day wearing panties, bra, breast forms etc. She is very passive, not commenting one way or the other save for telling me one morning that my bra strap was twisted at the back.
Though I've never gone beyond lingerie before, this is mainly because I was unable to get clothes that fit ... I'm over 6 feet and around 220 lbs. However, I would like to dress with a full outfit and have just recently got a dresss and high heels. Unfortunately, I did not mention anything beyond the lingerie to my wife so far but intend to let her know that I would like to do a full outfit as soon as I can. I hope, she will continue to be accepting of this. Ultimately, I would love if she would help me get outfits, do makeup etc. ... not sure if that will happen. If all that happens is that she accepts it passively, then that is ok ... I can live with that.

[Khora]

In a way this thread (along with the other ones addressing the issue of a SO of one of us) is a little depressing. They're just clothes (and accessories) that allow us to express ourselves in a particular way. I think it's an awful thing that culture has people so completely warped that it becomes this monster problem. Maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm oversimplifying it, but it's how I really feel.

Don't get me wrong though. I can appreciate when someone wanting to fully transition being an important issue for an SO. But, just wearing clothes? Meh...we have much more important things to get upset about.

[Mandybr]

Great stories.

I think it helps to grow the idea slowly, because it can be shocking at first like some of you said...so after your SO accepts that it`s not a big deal, you can just keep on improving :)

[BillieAnneJean]

There is a post on here that says you can't tell if someone is going to transition until after the fact. For SOs mining this forum for answers, this is not an absolute. Ask your SO to be completely honest and tell you if there is any chance he will want to transition. He may tell you the truth or out of fear of your reaction he may not.
I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY will never transition. I will NEVER do 24/7. I will never do 4/7 or dress every day.

How do I know? Because I LIKE being a guy and doing guy things. I do not see myself as a woman. I see myself as a guy, cussing, spitting, scratching, welding, fixing, making, sanding drywall, doing roofing, wiring up something, rebuilding a car. With a chance once a week to become something else that makes me happier to be a guy because I have a choice. And I choose to be a guy who crossdresses averaging weekly.

And I am spending this weekend, as I do just about every weekend, with the love and joy of my life. Me as guy. Her as woman. Dancing, dining, hanging out, seeing a movie, dating. After more years of marriage than the medium age of US citizens, we are still dating. And I do believe that dating and taking her dancing does a lot for her self confidence.

Then next week, one day, I will be Billie. All day. And that night I will happily return to Bill.

So I can tell you that there are some guys who will never transition. Some of the other guys in The Grand Illusions also claim the same beliefs.

So ASK him. Be prepared for a "YES" or a "NO". But if you have a track record of emotional outbursts, as understandable as this is with the situation, if you have and do blow up on him about crossdressing, then understand that he MIGHT try to avoid the conflict.

I love my SO and I would wither without her. I will do anything for her. And I reap huge benefits as a result.

This is SUCH FUN and I get to keep her too!
Billie