The fight is getting ugly.

[Dianne S]

I recently separated from my wife and she's really been dragging her feet about child custody and access issues. Today, I found out she fired her lawyer and her new lawyer sent a highly-aggressive letter to my lawyer implying that because I'm transsexual, it's harmful for the children, and he wants to reduce access even more than what she's agreed to so far.

This is very stressful, but the gloves are coming off. I have to fight this one for my children. It's totally ridiculous; they are almost 13 and almost 17 and want to be with me, but they are intimidated by my wife. And I owe it to our community to stand up to this kind of bullying.

Even if I'm outed before I'm quite ready to come out to the world, I don't care. It will be worthwhile. I hope you all wish me luck... I'm going to need lots of strength for this battle.

[Denise69]

Yes, you will. Having been down the custody battle road (without the TG issues) it was rougher on the kids than any of the supposed instances she tried to level. I wish you much luck and may what's best for the kids come out in the end.

[angpai30]

i am going through the same thing. My ex went as far as to pay for a custody evaluation to try and prove i'm mentally ill. Her tactic didn't pay off. I am playing by all the rules and she doesn't like that i still have joint custody, Be brave honey and i hope all works out for you.

[DanaR]

Wow, I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you will get it resolved, good luck!

[Kate T]

So much anger and in the end I wonder who suffers most.

Be mindful that in your justified fight against this prejudice that your children are not the ones who get hurt in the crossfire.

[Rachelakld]

Surprised your world is like that, I don't know any lawyer or court here that would deem a trans as harmful, it's not like you can catch a trans virus.
Having said that, we do acknowledge that trans are also humans, with all the rights thereof as any other human.

We would have had a lawyer for the child, to represent their wishes, and the courts are often swayed by their inputs.

Wish you all the best.

[Karen62]

Better than wishing you mere luck, Dianne, I wish you complete success!! Fight on!

Karen

[Rianna Humble]

Diane, I'm so sorry that your wife's new lawyer is trying such dirty tricks. You are right to fight on for the sake of your children. Any example that can later be used by another trans member will be collateral benefit, but IMNSHO the most important in this battle are you and your children.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What saddens me is that all you're really doing is feeding a leech in a sharp suit. If it's any consolation, your ex would probably still have instructed the leech to attack you, even if you weren't TS. I'm glad one of your children at least will shortly be old enough to make up their own mind who they see, despite your ex's wishes. Using children to punish an ex is among the cruellest, most selfish things a woman can do- and the leeches encourage them every inch of the way.

Very best wishes, Nikki

[Dianne S]

Be mindful that in your justified fight against this prejudice that your children are not the ones who get hurt in the crossfire.

I am doing everything I can to protect my children. That's my number one priority. The problem is that my wife doesn't care about our children and she's willing to use them as pawns to hurt me. This is a very difficult thing for me to take... I'm an adult and can defend myself against insults to me, but hurting our kids is really the lowest of the low.

[charlenesomeone]

Dianne I wish you success as well. Went through this too, and my children were younger. I lost due to my having a poor attorney.
Now that my kids are grown and married, we are closer than ever. Little consolation missing their youth, but they now know
the truth verses made up stories.

[pamela7]

"the woman scorned" scenario - her anger will be immense, even if it's her own doing. Gather evidence of how she is trying to use the children against you, and turn it back to show she cares not for them but for herself, and show how you want the best for everyone, the more caring parent will show through.

[kimdl93]

Just let your lawyer do the work and keep yourself above the fray. Your wife's efforts to restrict access to the children will fail...as you've noted they are both old enough to make their own decisions and soon enough will be entirely free to associate with you as they please. Your best path is to stay above the fray and at every opportunity demonstrate your continued affection and support for your kids. Actions speak volumes.

[CarlaWestin]

The new lawyer is showboating right off the bat to secure as many billable hours as possible. In my personnel experience, X's attorney sent a couple hundred page writ of discovery to my counsel for immediate response. My attorney's response was the single word NO on a post-it. Advice, settle the split as soon as possible. Counsels make there money on the 'tug-of-war' phase. Get it over with. Joint custody with visitation. Give her physical custody and child support. Make concessions for expediency. Your children will always love you.

IMHO

[PretzelGirl]

This ends up being a tough road. I have two friends that both completed their divorce in the last 2 months after the process stretching out over more than 2 years. Both had wives trying to take everything. Both wives ended up getting less than what was offered at the beginning. So there was value in standing ground. But the billable hours..... My heart is out to you as there are no easy things on this either from the feelings and decisions, or just going down the road.

[Cindy J Angel]

So sorry to here this stay strong for you and your kids. At that age are thay not able to tell the mediator were thay want to live with, my children were. Love cindy

[Eringirl]

Hi Dianne. So sorry you and your children have to go through this. Yes, your wife's attorney is acting upon her instructions. If she said "go hard", then that is what s/he will do. Hopefully you have a competent family law lawyer. Let them do the work. Anyone specializing in this area will have seen this dozen of times before. Maybe not the Trans aspects, but this should not be their first rodeo with on parent trying to demonstrate the other is not fit. Similar tactics apply. Stick your ground. Keep in mind, you don't owe "us" (the community) anything, you owe it first and foremost to yourself and your children. Do it for you, stay positive and healthy. Canadian courts are not stupid and don't take kindly to using children as pawns. And given the age of the children, the court will be very interested in their thoughts and wishes as to who they would like to be with.

But this will take time. Court dockets are full and things never go as fast as planned. Take the high road, give your lawyer some latitude to do their job. Let them know very clearly what you want them to do. Nothing is more frustrating for a lawyer than a client who doesn't know what they want. If you do "come out" earlier than planned, make sure you have a clear plan, that you are in control of the coming out process, and that the process is not controlling you. Try to minimize anything that could be construed as haphazard or reckless, and that you have a thoughtful plan that takes your children into consideration. Anything that demonstrates support in your workplace etc would be helpful I think. The court will be looking for stability regardless of trans or not. :2c:

Keep us posted. Best of luck. Thinking of you.

Erin

[kimdl93]

As my attorney told me at the outset of the divorce, there are only two people who stand to make money on a divorce...your attorney and hers. Carla is right...the new attorney is wasting her money. Don't let him waste yours. Let your attorney stand firm and ignore threats and attempted blackmail.

[CONSUELO]

Kim is right. The lawyers will make money out of this at the expense of you both. Sadly when emotions take over reason goes out of the window. Stay calm, make sure your lawyer is well briefed and good luck.

[Annaliese]

My prays are with you, girl, you will need more than luck. A better lawyer.

[docrobbysherry]

Hang in there Dianne! Custody battles r usually the nastiest divorces of all. But, I think Rachel's correct.

If her attorney does bring this issue up in court without any proof that you've actually done something during your dressing that's harmful to the kids, like; meeting men out at clubs, having indescrimanent sex, bringing men or other dressers home, a judge will most likely take your dressing off the table as an arguement!

My kids went thru my nasty divorce. You'd be surprised how well they take these things. Especially when they remember how bad things were when u were together. Plus, they will not like your soon to be ex sayiing negative things about their dad! Just be sure don't u do that, either. Even if your SO is the Wicked Witch of the West!:Angry3:

[Dianne S]

Thanks for all your support. I have a reasonable lawyer and I have many people (therapists, psychologists, counselors) willing to give me good character references. I also have three Canadian family law judgements (two in Ontario where I live) that held transgenderism is not a factor when determining custody and access.

I have calmed down now and written a detailed and reasonable response to her lawyer. I believe she fired her first lawyer because he was starting to see things from my point of view and was pressuring her to be reasonable. I merely have to calmly and logically make her new lawyer see the same thing. I also will do my utmost to ensure my children are safe and insulated as much as possible from the nastiness. They are the innocent victims in this whole mess.

Thank you again; this forum has been wonderful. I am truly humbled by the goodness and kindness of people who don't even know me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Dianne my thoughts go out to you and your kids

You are a strong and capable woman and your kids are lucky to have you!

[LeaP]

... I also have three Canadian family law judgements (two in Ontario where I live) that held transgenderism is not a factor when determining custody and access.

...

Don't fool yourself into thinking that will make any difference. Even if this is held to a strict standard (and assuming the decisions established such standards), the objections will merely be raised under other guises. Stability. Best interests of the child from a number of perspectives. Even things like physical risk. Family courts are not criminal courts and tremendous leeway for judges is normal. It is very difficult in most jurisdictions these days to completely lose custody or visitation rights. Finances are very cut-and-dried in most as well, as they are increasingly formula driven without exceptions. But that doesn't mean that the facts as the judge prefers to see them won't compromise what you might regard as a reasonable custody settlement. It would be wise to be proactive on CYA as it pertains to the avenues of attack related to your being trans.

[Dianne S]

Don't fool yourself into thinking that will make any difference. [...] Stability. Best interests of the child from a number of perspectives. Even things like physical risk.

Yep, I know and I'm really not worried about that. As I say, I have therapists, counselors and psychologists who are happy to write letters of support indicating that I'm a stable, capable and loving parent.

[Rachel Smith]

My divorce was without young children but when we were in family court to get me alimony her lawyer said to the judge, a lady, and I quote, "you really think she should have to help "that" with support any longer" as he looked at me. The judge didn't even flinch but acted like he didn't utter a word. Then she ruled in my favor.

Much success to you Diane.

Hugs
Rachel

[giuseppina]

Hello Diane

I'm not a lawyer but, it appears you have case law on your side. It would also help if someone like a licensed social worker or psychiatrist could be sworn in as an expert witness to testify on your behalf. The courts depend on expert testimony in cases like yours.

It's up to you, but I think running any correspondence to your ex or her lawyer by your lawyer to make sure you don't say anything that might damage your case is a good idea. If you do, you can be sure she and her lawyer will pounce and use it against you.

I somehow doubt the judge will be amused if allegations are made in court or in correspondence without hard evidence to prove them. It looks to me she is a bully and trying to intimidate you.

I wish you well.

[Diane Lynn]

Hi Dianne, I did not through all the other comments, and just skipped to comment. The court does not care what you do or spend yur money on. The do not care what sex you are. They only care about what is best for your kids. The problem is, they do not know. My ex tried the transgender part, the court didn't care. Then she claimed I was a child abuser, child molestor, drug addict, all unproven and based on no fact. She did a number on the kids. My youngest daughter turns 18 on March 1, and That b***h has not let me see my kids since 2011, and I have not been able to do anything about it.

[Amanda M]

Diane - stay strong! Always though, never communicate anything to the oppopsition, except through your lawyer!

[Dianne S]

Thanks to all who responded. My reaction so far has been to unilaterally impose the parenting schedule that my children have asked for... one week with me and one with my wife. I was tired of letting her dictate everything.

So far, it has been working but each week I wait for some bombshell from her lawyer. For now, though, my kids are getting the schedule they want and that's all I care about.

[Kris Avery]

Dianne,

The good news (speaking from experience 10 years later) is that no matter your gender or presentation, you will ALWAYS be the 'bad guy' in not only your ex'es eyes, but also in your children.
There is a thing called parental alienation syndrome that is a very real thing....without the gender aspect. I can speak to both and how negative it can be in a divorce situation.

That said, I am happily remarried and am working through issues with a committed spouse who WANTS to make it work, even with me on HRT.

[Dianne S]

Hi, Wendy. I will never be the "bad guy" in the eyes of my children. They love me, say they want a 50/50 parenting plan and are not swayed by my ex. I am absolutely thankful for that. For sure, I'm the evil one in the eyes of my ex, but that I can live with. :)

I never say anything negative to my children about my wife. I don't want to be involved in that kind of nastiness.

[Sammy777]

As long as you keep doing exactly what you're doing you should be just fine.
When one side [you] is fully approving of whatever schedule the children wish without question or restriction the courts will/do take notice. Especially considering the older ages, 13 and 17 of the children involved.

Any moves and/or tactics, under any guise, by your wife or her attorney to curb your time with your children, especially when it goes against their wishes, will be seen as the obvious ploys of a petty and vengeful spouse by the courts.

[Ally 2112]

I just do not understand why the kids are the center of so many divorce issues .I think in most situations it is just used to hurt the other spouse and in the end it just hurts the kids .I also realize Dianne your is a differnt situation you are still their parent .I hope all the best for you