Does suppression of cross dressing desires lead to anger

[CONSUELO]

I came across an interesting article in and online news site called Wales Today. Katie says she began to cross dress at the age of 10. Later in life she became an extremely violent "football hooligan" and was involved in some remarkably violent affrays at football matches in the UK. Katie has now formed a social group to reach out to other cross dressers in the region. I wonder how much of that violence came about because of hiding her cross dressing and the fear of being found out. Its a little like some stories I have read of gay men who through fear of admitting they were indeed gay, became overly macho and very anti homosexual. There was an example a few years ago of a preacher in Colorado who preached that homosexuality was evil while carrying on a secret affair with a man.

I know the suppression of one's cross dressing leads to much mental anguish including depression and I believe for some there is also suppressed anger. Over the years I have suffered episodes of depression, a lot of frustration that may have expressed itself in angry outbursts and significant tension. I am much more open about my cross dressing now and I am more relaxed but I have long wondered about the bad things that can happen when you suppress a natural part of oneself.

Any opinions on this complex subject.

[MsVal]

Early on in my therapy I told my therapist that I wanted to push this all back to the dim, dark recesses of my mind where it stayed for many years prior to its discovery. I am Superman, I said, with super powers of self control. I quit smoking, quit drinking, and recently lost 1/3 of my weight. She said that I may successfully do that, but it will then come out in some other fashion. It may be anger, depression, resentment, substance abuse ... it won't go away.

Best wishes
MsVal

[kimdl93]

Not directly, no. But to the extent that one chooses to respond to any source of frustration with anger, then it is a contributing factor. Note the intermediate step....choice. I speak from personal experience. When confronted with frustrating circumstances I all too often responded with anger. Then, gradually with the help of a therapist, I learned that such responses are always...ALWAYS... a matter of choice.

Frustration, deferred gratification, difficult choices, disappointments and defeats are part of life. Anger may be a commonly chosen response, but it's the least effective choice.

[msniki48]

Consuelo,

Much of what you said about the football player is an overcompensation to keep those around you from finding out....lord knows I did [plenty of that in my younger days. Suppression seems to cause me anger , depression etc. my therapist always said you can put her away for a time, but when you need her she will be there... and most times, I can't go too long without taking some Me time.

Hugs

msniki48

[Rachelakld]

It comes out in many ways,
Christmas saw a boy kill himself (as he couldn't come to terms with his gayness), last week his boyfriend killed himself as he couldn't live without the other. They were 17 and very popular at my kids school.

We have imposed (inherited / religious / TV role models etc) "views" of what male should be, and an conflict of that "view" causes destructive tendencies.

This is why we have Therapists, to help us change out "views" to line up with our realities.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

There is no question that cd suppression, for whatever the circumstances , will result in pent up anger that can reach a boiling point. Learning that anger & it's outward expression is a choice takes years of thought, practice & self discipline. I would venture to say that the majority of us that live in relationships where cding has to remain in the closet, is a Tabu topic or simply cannot be discussed are prone to the suppression / anger syndrome. Why can't we just find happiness at home with our cd personna?

[Alice Torn]

I believe this is true. I wish it were not. There are inner pressures a cd/tg face, especially if in a religion that says it is wrong, an repent of it, or family system, or other pressures against it. I face three weeks of not doing it, or very little, because my brother is gone three weeks, and i must help my very difficult sister help my difficult father. This has gone on five years! If they found out, it would be more hell for me. I do feel angry much of the time, even without not cding, but more so, then. In todays' world, there is so much anger! I really have to work not to let it control me.

[Beverley Sims]

Lack of dressing does help accentuate anger and frustration.
Deal with it by finding time to dress more often.
There are always ways to combat it.

[pamela7]

there are many paths to anger. I presently feel being dressed has not led me on any of those paths. I can see how suppressing anything might lead to anger, CD or otherwise. I would not blame anger on being unable to CD though, I'd choose to blame myself for failing to express my needs and leading by example.

[petrahughes]

No not 4 me

[Gillian Gigs]

Suppression leads to frustration, then frustration leads to anger. We all need to learn how to deal with our frustrations in life. When it comes to those who are so "anti" something, I think, "they protesteth too much", which leads to my thinking what are they covering up?

[Isabella Ross]

Yes..absolutely. I'm not an angry or violent person...I really think of myself as gentle. But three decades of shame, guilt and repression did bubble to the surface in the form of frustration and anger periodically. Seven years out of the closet, and I am a better, more complacent person by far. My wife would agree wholeheartedly and says this often.

[Marcie Rose]

I think it varies by person, but I know when I can't dress (like when my kids are home) I'm more prone to being sad and angry, especially if I'm already having a bad day. When I can't stress-dress, I tend to stress-eat, which is worse for my health. Underdressing helps some, but if we have to suppress our dressing urges for some reason, we should have some other outlet to deal with the stress and frustration.

[marilyn m]

meditation can help with anger, its so poisonous, but natural to feel angry with everyone traveling at light speeds
yes i have felt anger in the past when not being able to crossdress, it is frustrating when you have partners /family, that do not understand and you have to walk on eggshells, always adjusting to what they want
now iam on my own its very liberating, being able to find my true self,i now feel iam a woman inside, dont always want to dress as i feel the same dressed or not, still love to dress but has to be the full on glamour, i have no desire to transition, iam happy and at peace with the way iam x:pinktornado:

[Eryn]

Suppression leads to frustration, then frustration leads to anger....

Precisely! You're describing me before I finally admitted to myself that I was TG. Having desires and not being able to act upon them will do that.

That said, dressing is not the path to a serene existence. I still get angry, but it is a lot less often and for somewhat better reasons.

Think about how many TG people join the military, police, and other "manly" fields while either consciously or unconsciously getting as far as we can from own natures. When that doesn't work, and the nature of the profession involves violence, bad things can happen. I think of Kristen Beck taking deployment after deployment, trying to put herself in the places where her anger was useful and acceptable.

[ReineD]

There's no doubt that repressing a desire to dress leads to frustration, which can lead to anger. But, many other life situations cause intense frustration too, we cannot limit this to the crossdressing.

People, no matter the source or level of frustration or stress, have different tolerances for it. The following is from the American Psychological Association (APA) (http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx):



According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, or not skilled at emotional communications.

[JocelynJames]

When I don't have time to "play" -meaning dress, ride bike, motorcycle, play guitar etc ( things I enjoy that are not stressful) I can get angry. I can push it aside for a while, but when I get stressed from lack of extra curricular activities , I'm no fun -Joss

[JessicaMann]

I get the same way! what kind of bike you have???? ever ride the Mohawk Trail??

[Jackie7]

When I was younger I was prone to outbursts and upheavals. These past 15 years of coming out and being out, not so much. In fact not at all. So yes, suppressing this aspect of myself made me nasty and I am much nicer now that I am out and comfortable with dressing pretty whenever I want.

As Reine says, it's never one thing and there's lots going on in a life. But the rage and pain of the unexpressed girl was always there underneath the various other stuff.

[DorothyElizabeth]

Dressing does not do that for me, but music does. If I go too long without playing with another group of musicians, I become irritable. Practicing by myself does nothing for that feeling. I don't need to perform publicly but I need the feedback and synergy that comes from playing with a group. We don't even have to interact, other than all be playing the same piece of music for me to "get my fix". I have mentioned this to other musicians, and apparently it is a common phenomenon.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Well I don't think it always leads to anger, but my wife's first husband was in the closet gay and took it out on her. It's apparently one of the reasons she is having trouble accepting my dressing even thought it is entirely different, I'm not gay or sneaking out on her and I've always encouraged her in what ever she's wanted to do, no instead of talking about it or asking questions she just wants to sit there and watch the samE FREEKEN MOVIE SHE HAS SEEN 500 TIMES AND....... um sorry yes I haven't been able to dress or let Victoria out for a while now and it is frustrating, and I'm getting depressed so yes, I would say there is a correlation. of course anytime you deny the heart it comes out some way.

[Tina_gm]

Absolutely suppression can lead to anger. supressing any part of us TG or otherwise can do this. I also think that there is another component to this... that the violence aspect is an attempt by many to flush out our feminine side. Or to hide it.

[Tracii G]

I think it boils down to how stable a person is to begin with.

[Kate Simmons]

Without direct research, I doubt this can be proven. :)

[Kimonogirl]

Phobia culture and atmosphere of Korea has made me misanthropic, inactive, just aspiring wannabe crossdresser. Dudes must wear hideous dudes uniforms. Gals and dudes use separate classes so dudes MUST embrace barbaric dudes cultures. Each class contains more than 30 students so having to blending in those hideous people has devastated me......
And Korean Internet is full of phobia, wretched Naver....

@OverTheStarlight -> Indeed I do have extreme annoyance about me.......I could have crusaded against Korean Education system which is crude imitation of Japanese Education system full of brainwash, taming, phobia, totalitarianism...

[Mandybr]

In my experience it makes sense, but it applies to everything. Sometimes you need to let out some "anger" and not being nice all the time.
I'm mostly happy all the time so sometimes it's good to let stuff out, so yeah, I guess it applies to everything in life that you suppress :)

[Lily Catherine]

In part because it takes a LOT to anger me, I've never actually experienced this to a level of annoyance yet. Not the least where discipline has been on a high pedestal since young, and most outward expressions of negative emotion are less-than-permitted. While I do agree that getting cheesed off at anything is ultimately a choice, repressed anger has its own repercussions (from carrying the burden). Over the past 8 years since I first CDed, there was always a nagging want to cross-dress, but nothing too hard on me when I never got to; it was always one of the highest privileges to me rather than anything remotely resembling an entitlement. But because of the theory of deferred gratification - 2 marshmallows later or 1 now - I always came back for more at each denied opportunity, as though I inherently deserved the additional gratification.

@DorothyElizabeth: Not you too! Playing music alone (especially drums) lacks a certain 'kick' that playing in a band does, and especially when the entire band plays tightly.

[katem]

I suppressed (or at least tried to) my desire to dress for many, many years. I'm now at the point realizing that CD'ing is a part of me and I need to release my desires in a healthy way and just do it. Anger, frustration, denial, and depression all come with suppression. My sexual urges conflict my point of view often times, and that tends to be the root of the problem. I feel like I'm not normal - but hopefully I can begin to accept it as time goes on....

[Frenchy Michelle]

Crossdressing actually makes me feel so relaxed and peaceful... so it could be that suppressing the desire has a backlash effect... To illustrate how peaceful it makes me feel. I came home today with the flat roof leaking. I cleaned the mess up, went up to the roof and fixed it, being all male and pissed up! Then once in my pretty skirt and heels all the stress and negativity vanished! It was like "whatever"... this doesn't concern Michelle. I strongly believe crossdressing can be therapeutic. By the way, I am less of a pig when I eat as Michelle than as Mike, I suddenly bgin to grow good, delicate manners, lol. Sounds familiar?

[Sarah Doepner]

Not directly, no. But to the extent that one chooses to respond to any source of frustration with anger, then it is a contributing factor. Note the intermediate step....choice. I speak from personal experience. When confronted with frustrating circumstances I all too often responded with anger. Then, gradually with the help of a therapist, I learned that such responses are always...ALWAYS... a matter of choice.

Frustration, deferred gratification, difficult choices, disappointments and defeats are part of life. Anger may be a commonly chosen response, but it's the least effective choice.

Well said Kim. It is so very difficult to deny something that is part of your personality. Regardless of what the driver of the frustration is, anger is the easiest reponse and we can go there until we understand we have or can develop other options for better responses.

[NicoleScott]

Some people are always looking for something to blame their bad behavior on.

[Barbara Black]

I have an anger issue that began before I discovered dressing. But I figure that it was a matter of not fitting in with most of my friends, and the frustration caused from that. So now I realize that I was always somehow different than the other guys, i.e. more feminine, a trait that keeps me in soft nylon underclothes now. And I do get a release from frustration by wearing my girl clothes, without the necessity of anger.

[Sarah-RT]

I have some anger issues, on the normal side, if i stub my toe or something ill lash out but on the extreme side i find i try to put everything else and everyone else who im not friends with down around me. thinking of it now it might be a way to cover for myself, ill often say to the guys while out drinking that another guy there is wearing skinny jeans and clearly must be gay, or if one of my friends wears a scarf ill call him a homo, basically anything that i think doesnt meet the criteria of macho manly yet hypocritically ill be staring at a girls shoes or dress and wish i could compliment them or ask where she got them.

Its not easy being so torn in the middle but as im trying to find myself and accept who i am im also discovering how easy it is to be considerate of others and more tolerant of other peoples varieties and differences. Im just hoping its not too late as im often referred to as the ''angry/aggressive/judgemental'' one of the group, which obviously is complete hypocrisy but I also feel that having that rep has put me in a hole that I wont be able to climb back out of

Just wanted to add in at the bottom here that im not homophobic, I realised how that might look up above, the only two friends who know about me both came out as gay and became a couple

[MsLana]

Anger , depression , mood swings....but since my wife knows and supports me...and recognizes the fact that I am calmer , easier to get along with and an all around better person...I am definitely living proof.

[Sarah-RT]

Quote Originally Posted by APA Anger Management - Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, or not skilled at emotional communications.''

This sounds so like me, i remember as a child id break my own toys and stuff if something annoyed me. my mam likes to tell me that when i was quite small my sister got invited to a birthday party and my mom bought a barbie doll as the gift but because i couldnt go i ripped the head of the doll so that my sister couldnt go either, sounds funny but it links up.

[JessicaMann]

I find that when I suppress Jessica, I tend to get very thin-skinned.... I get edgier and edgier, until I just let her consume my identity. fem-mode takes over, and the world just seems right again! I hate hiding her, but my friends and family..... they just wouldn't accept it!! so I live two lives.

[MissTee]

I believe suppression can manifest itself in many, many different ways. Anger is only one of them.

[ReineD]

This sounds so like me, i remember as a child id break my own toys and stuff if something annoyed me. my mam likes to tell me that when i was quite small my sister got invited to a birthday party and my mom bought a barbie doll as the gift but because i couldnt go i ripped the head of the doll so that my sister couldnt go either, sounds funny but it links up.

If you're still experiencing issues with anger, there are anger management classes that might help. I's OK to act out on anger if it makes you feel better, but it's not OK to hurt someone else (or their things) in the process. People who allow their anger to regurgitate over others maybe don't realize how they are hurting others by doing so and to me this seems self-centered. Maybe they secretly blame others for their misfortunes and this is why they don't try to channel their anger in more appropriate ways? My ex was an angry man and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety among my kids and I. Honestly, I think it's a form of control. The person who doesn't channel his anger appropriately is exercising a form of payback so that everyone else suffers too.

The year I lost custody of my child, I would often scream as loud as I could until I was spent, which was possible where I used to live because the neighbors were completely out of earshot. And I would pummel pillows as hard as I could with my fists. But it would have been no good had there been anyone in the house who was aware that I was doing this, they would have been worried and maybe scared.

[Taylor Ray]

Suppression of anything causes energy to come out in other ways, depending on the personality type.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I've had anger/authority issues my whole life, and it seems - 6 months is still early days to say - that since embracing Nikki last summer, that I am a better balanced, less volatile, kinder person when my femme side is allowed to be more fully expressed.

[flatlander_48]

Rarely, very rarely actually, is my demeanor one of bare anger. Typically it isn't very close to the surface for me. Mostly I'm low key and pretty calm about things. Instead of anger, extended periods of suppression (or just general life frustration) tend to result in the social withdrawal construct mentioned earlier. On those occasions when I do get to anger, it is quick, loud and of short duration. Fortunately I get to dress often enough that it isn't a problem. However, I do notice that the desire is somwhat stronger to dress now than it was 6-8 years ago.

With opportunity comes familiarity..

DeeAnn

[scarletcd]

It definitely used to manifest itself as anger as well as other emotions.
I identify as Trans however I have yet to begun the process of transitioning or living full time, mostly for stuff out of my control. Suppressing those feelings does lead to what I call 'Trans blues'. Feeling down and frustrated at my current situation. I was definitely far 'angrier' when I was still discovering myself however since coming to terms (for lack of a better word) with who I am it has calmed a little. It's like other people aren't seeing you as the way you see yourself and it can get frustrating.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't think it causes anger. My theory is this: think of a computer, with a cpu and memory. Working on any problem requires a percentage of memory and cpu usage. Doing things in the background such as video bits passing through the motherboard may be just a little, but it exists, always being done whether you are doing anything or not. The more you subconsciously want to crossdress, the more 'work' is being used to suppress it by your brain. If you add in other things to deal with in life, you can quickly use up all your available 'cpu' and memory availability, and then begin to have too much for your mind to process, and you get irritated because it's too much to deal with all at once. Then you only need ONE MORE DAMNED THING to push you over the edge, and bingo! Anger erupts.