Any regrets after Transitioning?

[paola_gemi]

Hi All: I have been thinking very seriously in the last weeks about two things. The first one is about the urge to come out to my wife and my family.
As time passes by I think I am convincing my self more and more to take that step; I know once I take it, there is not stepping back.

Also my feelings have change dramatically as well, many years ago when I just cross dressed and started exploring my femme side, I would never consider Hormones nor SRS, even though the idea would keep a dream in my mind. However I would never considere it because looking my self in the mirror I would think that no matter what I do I would never accomplish being a woman or looking close to one.

In the last months most of my day is spent thinking about coming out and transitioning, and the transition part really surprised me because I now consider really seriously having surgery at some point.
Some times I have second thoughts because I suddenly feel that is now the right thing, but later I get that feeling aging and my struggle gets bigger.
Right now I am more on the transitioning side, but at times I just ask my self if it would be a mistake, or I will regret it later.

I want to have your input and share your experiences as to if there was a real regret after transitioning in any degree.

I am worried that my sexual life will not be good, since sex is very important to me.

I am also worried that since I was born a male, and I always lived my life as male and did the things that were expected from me as a male, I will not feel confortable at some point, to the degree of regret.

I will definitely will come out to my partner of 15 years, I will look the right moment in the next month or two, and I will start therapy as well, but I will really value your comment and any advises you may have.


Thank you,

Hugs.


Paola.

[Jorja]

No regrets here. It has been the best thing I have ever done. Know there are going to be rough periods that you are going to have to work through. I did not have a wife or SO during my transition. That is something I cannot really help with. I will say communication between you both is a must. Do not be surprised if she does not care for your transitioning. That is not what she signed up for and she may not want to be with you afterwards.

[Rachel Smith]

No regrets what so ever. I lost my wife well actually she told me to get out. That was very hard on me but regret transition? NO. Lost my stepdaughter too but regret transition? NO. It was not only the hardest thing I ever did but it was also the best thing I ever did. The ladies here were and still are a big help to me.

Sex was very important to me pre-transition but after about 6 months on HRT it no longer was. I have been on HRT for 2 years now and still could care less about sex. For some here it is the exact opposite and your mileage may vary.

[KellyJameson]

The same forces that created my female identity as that utter conviction in childhood that I was a girl that never left me because everything kept reinforcing that conviction, also touched my sexuality.

Sex actually underscored the disharmony between my body and brain (me). Sex was one of the reasons I confronted and stopped suppressing my actual gender identity. Sex was one of those markers on the life path I was walking that kept pointing out the truth of what I actually was and am.

As a female I could not make sex work being "male bodied". It completely made no sense to my mind. Any type of male gender role caused me anxiety and dissonance, sexual or otherwise.

This was not out of insecurity but a deep sense of "wrongness" as being unnatural to who and what I am.

It also made building any kind of intimate relationship impossible because I became extremely claustrophobic as to my "subconscious mind" fighting for survival as to my "gender identity".

I was not a person likely to have regrets because I was not losing anything that could create regret.

My only fear was surviving it.

Those who have deeply suffered from gender dysphoria are less likely to have regret regardless of what they lose because once you are living naturally as you are meant to be, you realize how much you were suffering in the past and that whatever you had was really an illusion.

In my opinion you cannot really appreciate the cost of gender dysphoria and its implications until you are on the otherside of it (free from it). It is very difficult to understand it while you are still inside it.

In many ways gender dysphoria is a paradox.

In my opinion you cannot really connect with other human beings until gender dysphoria is resolved.

You may think you understood connection and love but the degree we are able to love and connect with others is decided by the relationship we are having with ourselves and you must live your actual and natural gender to have this relationship.

Gender is one of the most important ways we "explore and experience life". In my mind it is the most important way and that comes from years of not living it.

Once you reach that point where you are willing to lose everything including your life it is unlikely you will have regrets unless you were willing to lose your life for the wrong reasons.

Look at where you are at and look at where you have come from. Move toward being genuine and out of falseness.

[kimdl93]

Aren't you getting just a little ahead of yourself?

[Angela Campbell]

if it is possible to not transition then don't. Only do it if you have to. Work with a therapist and find out if you do or not.

I had to. So I did. No regrets other than that I didn't do it sooner.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You can't look to a group to try to guess whether you are on the right track...it sure seems you are way way way ahead of yourself actually...

Based only on the limited info you posted, more than anything else you need to spend some time with a knowledgeable therapist

you can't shortcut the hard work you need to do ....so what if somebody here had regrets... it has nothing to do with you... its a huge decision, you may regret it... its such a difficult and huge decision that many (most?) of us don't actually "decide" until life becomes unbearable..

You say youlike your sex life?? well then you may easily regret going down a path that messes it up.
Hormones will totally change that part of you, and your sexuality may become fluid and your interests may change

[paola_gemi]

Thank you all for you comments. Let me make clear that I am not trying to use your experiences for any excuse to "Transition" or not.
What I am really looking for is for feed back, so if for any reason I am missing to cover any base, I can go back to the drawing board and re evaluate my options.
For me it is very clear what I feel,but transitioning is one of those things which you can reach a point of no return.

I totally understand that if any of you have any regrets, don't mean that it will be the same for everyone. I get that we are all different and have different situations.
I don't write to this forum because I think you know it all about the subject, but because we all have different experiences, but in the end we all can relate to one or the other, and this way I can keep learning about you and therefore about my self, and what I am getting into.

I din't say that I am happy with my sex life, Sex is important to me, and that is one of my worries.
I am sure that many Trans women have different reasons for transitioning, and also many Trans women deny transitioning based on sexual desires and so forth.
for me, I am not going to deny my sexual feelings that go with my desires to become a woman, nor will use the excuse of the cliche "I am a woman trapped in a man's body" because in my particular case, I feel different things, and some are conflicting, and that is why I try to use this forum to learn from you and get little pieces to put them together.

I am a person that usually regrets not doing things as opposed to regret the things I have done, but this is a hard one.

Thank you.


Hugs,


Paola.

[Jennifer8]

My only regret is not doing it sooner.

Ok Im so not an expert but I want to tell you about the things I picked out above.
I never thought about if I was ever gonna be a girl or if I was gonna be a good enough looking girl. all i cared about was bein a girl. all i know was that if i had to spend one more day being a boy that is was gonna be my last.

uh ya forget about sex or well the kinda sex your having now. maybe its just me but any kinda sex where im a guy is totally out I dont do it I dont like it I dont like whats down there. I mean sure ya I can still you know do it but I dont.


What so you were a guy and did guy things and maybe even liked doing some guy things and will keep liking some guy things WHO CARES?!? geez my wife likes more guys things then some guys i know. WHat wont you feel comfy about???? liking guy things or being a girl??

CAUSE let me tell ya some days it royally sucks bein a girl some days i cant stand bein a girl!! wanna know why?? cause bein a girl is fkin HARD bein a girl takes a shitton of time its costs lots of money its cheap to be a guy lol!! BUY guess what its either be me or be dead and all that other stuff????? its not just me cause other girls tell me the same thing. it aint easy bein a girl


Ya true if you do it a points gonna come when ur not a guy anymore that sorta THE WHOLE POINT!!!!
i NEVER though of no whats gonna happen if i cant be boy anymore hells no cause if ur thinking that it sounds backwards to me.
I didnt think about going back all I though of was what if I cant go forward it all i thought about like i said it was either be me or be dead

Ok that last part confused me???? so you uh "get off "thinking about what id be like bein a girl?? sorry i couldnt think of a nice way to say it. IDK?? I never felt that way? all that thinking about finally bein a girl did was make me happy and not a depressed hot mess POS that almost did like the stupidest thing ever try to kill myself . I was in a deep dark place n wouldnt be here if it wasnt for friend pulling me out getting me out of my house giving me a place to stay supporting me helping me she was the best friend i ever had the best girlfriend i ever had n the day she asked me to marry her is the best day in my life ok maybbbeee second best after bein me but dont tell her that lol!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Have you seen a therapist?

The best way to avoid regret is to not have any misconceptions about what transition is, to have realistic expectations of your own transition, to never forget how bad you suffered prior to it, to accept that its brutal and unfair and you will never look like or be the fantasy woman that you've had in your head, and finally that you have planned out and executed a successful transition.

It's good to come here and look for perspective. However, you have to accept that the perspective of every group of transsexuals i've ever known is don't transition unless you absolutely must.
Based on what you are saying this does not seem like a hard one.
You are are way ahead of yourself. You don't have to do or decide anything right now
Perhaps you've done a lot of research and therapy and not brought it up?

Also you said "many transsexuals deny transitioning based on sexual reasons".
That's important. That's because they were not transsexual.

Many TS have sexual feelings around their gender but they don't transition because of them. What would be the point of that? It's like turning yourself into a sex toy. It may seem sexy to some people but it would be a life destroyer.
...in fact, my best guess as to why they have sexual feelings is related to coping with being transsexual and living as a man. I had sexual feelings and they still bother me. I couldn't stand my life anymore, I couldn't stand those sexual feelings.
that's why i transitioned.
Transitioning relieves gender dysphoria and that's worth it, but its totally independent of any sexuality or sexual feelings.
You need to see a therapist and think through what those feelings mean to you.

The feelings of wanting to transition do creep up on people, and it can be very scary. You want direct face to face support that can either help you realize transition is not for you, or direct face to face support to help you understand it is for you and more importantly help you do it because its brutal and filled with problems. The forum can help you too but its not a substitute.





I do think that is changing over time and young people today have a much better go of it.

[Frances]

I'll echo Kaytlin, I discounted transition based on my sexual schema. Exploring it in therapy led to transition, which I had denied myself since starting seeing doctors as a teenager. A lot of stuff can happen concomitantly

[Eringirl]

My :2c: worth??? Get thee to a therapist....a good gender therapist.

This is not a race, you've got time. God knows I wish I had started down this path waaaay sooner, but I didn't, so I lett that go. Better late than never, but not worth rushing it.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

Erin

[Aprilrain]

I regret that I HAD to transition, well I guess it's not regret so much as I'm just pissed off that I have to go through this shit because it sucks! Especially when you've had complications from one of the various surgeries you, no doubt, will feel compelled to get. Trust me, There is no lonelier place to be than in a room full of people who have had successful surgical outcomes when you have not! I regret that I paid $23,000 and still don't have a vagina. What I have is a painful, bloody, stinky, open wound between my legs where my penis ues to be. As a bonus when I ues the toilet I get to pee all over myself. Recently I found my current situation so depressing that I had to check myself into a psychiatric hospital for 15 days because I was suicidal. Yeah, sometimes shit don't work out. A healthy sex life was important to me too and 3 years into HRT I could achieve orgasms now, post surgery, I'd be happy with just not peeing on myself and getting rid of the wound they call a "vagina"
Yes I'm bitter.

It's very much a catch 22 because if I hadn't had SRS I would have always wanted it and been unhappy with my body the way that it was.

[LeaP]

You will either be driven to transition or not. In other words, your conflicted feelings would either resolve or you would transition despite them. Things that seem tied to gender in simplistic fashion turn out not to be so simple. That applies to both things that live deep in your individual persona as well as learned and adaptive behaviors. It's not worth getting tied up in concepts like "trapped in a man's body." Should you be driven to transition, you will find it means something very different than what you think it does now.

Your notion of reaching a point of regret is important. Everyone's path and sequencing is different, but you can hit the point where you will have damaged yourself socially and relationally well before you actually transition. And that is actual and serious, non-recoverable damage and not just potential damage from pending transition. I have, and so have most others. I hate it. It's horrible. It's painful, both personally and painful to see what it does to others. That, however, is different from regret, and is related to my comments above concerning conflicts.

Kaitlyn - "I couldn't stand those feelings." Brilliantly simple, as usual.

Sex is important to everyone, one way or another, one time one another. Our bodies are sexed and it is not only a fundamental condition of our existence and experience, but fundamental to transsexual conflict. That is usually expressed as a gender issue, but truthfully, it's better expressed as a cross-sex issue. Should you go on to hormones, you may find out not just that sex is important to you, but just how important it is to your wife, and in ways neither of you suspect.

However you choose to look at regret, whether it is second-guessing yourself forevermore, or simply acknowledging the pain of damage and change, understand that you will have one, the other, or both. Work at avoiding the first, because it indicates a mistake. Thankfully, these are few. Transition is such a monumental change that most of the people who look down the path never get to the end, if they start at all. But they are out there. There are even a few right here in this forum.

[Jorja]

In my post last night, I think I may have given the impression that this whole transition thing was and easy period in my life in which I sailed right through. Believe me, it wasn't and I didn't. Transition is hard mentally and physically not to mention socially.

The best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to locate a gender therapist who has had considerable experience with transsexuals. Do not settle for someone you have to teach. Sit down with them and figure out what all of your feelings, wants, and desires really mean. This will give you the base to form solid decisions on.

[Anne2345]

Your notion of reaching a point of regret is important. Everyone's path and sequencing is different, but you can hit the point where you will have damaged yourself socially and relationally well before you actually transition. And that is actual and serious, non-recoverable damage and not just potential damage from pending transition. I have, and so have most others. I hate it. It's horrible. It's painful, both personally and painful to see what it does to others. That, however, is different from regret, and is related to my comments above concerning conflicts.

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . .

To do this, many of us sacrifice much. Many of us give up much. Many of us take hit after hit after damaging hit, and it's hard, it's miserable, and its taxing beyond belief.

Worse, it can seem hopeless. It can seem endless. It can seem impossible. And it can seem as if the whole damn world is against you.

At least, this has been my experience to date.

As for me, just to throw a few potential reality checks out there for ya: I have completely decimated and blown up my family, my soon-to-be-ex wife (who is divorcing me after a 20 year relationship) hates me and sabotages my continued transition at every opportunity, I have lost damn near every friend I have in the area, my legal career in my community is completely dead with no hope of resurrection, most of my family think I am completely nuts and consider me to be an abomination of god and will have nothing to do with me, and my ten year old daughter (the absolute pillar, foundation, and love of my life) is struggling mightily with the issues before her.

To get through this, I basically have to pack up, leave, and begin my life somewhere else and start over again. After years and years of hard work building a successful legal career and what I had hoped would be a secure future and a lucrative retirement to be spent with friends and family - the dream has been shattered and is forever gone. Gone, at least, in the form of how I once envisioned it.

As others have stated, the deeper into transition you go, assuming it is right for you, the more your priorities shall change to reflect a changing reality and an evolution of self that is simply impossible to appreciate or understand until you've experienced it.

Going through this has damaged me in ways that I could not even dream of surviving once upon a time back in the day. Yet, despite the pain, despite the chaos, despite the intensity, despite the fear and the unknown, like others here, I have managed to survive through it thus far, and even grow from it and become stronger, and at this stage in the game - make absolutely no mistake about it - I *will* get to where I need to be. Even though getting there will undoubtedly be much harder than I can even begin to imagine now, even with everything I have already been through.

But here is the deal - it is the right thing for me. It just is. All doubt that I had before, and I had much doubt (as any reasonable person would), has been erased as a result of the challenges and hurdles I have faced and overcome thus far. In this regard, I am full of conviction. I am full of purpose. I am *doing* what it takes to move forward, and *nothing* will or can stop me. I will have my way, and that's the long and short of the matter.

Despite it all, and looking back over everything that I have lost and all of the people I have hurt by way of collateral damage, I do not regret moving forward and into the process of transition one bit. Not even a little bit.

Which is not to say that I haven't made mistakes, because EVERY transitioner makes mistakes (and anyone who tells ya any different is either lying or lives in fantasy land), and that I wish I had done some things differently - because I do feel these things.

But this sense of having made mistakes is an issue that is completely separate and apart from any sense of regret I may feel.

Because the bottom line is that if I can't be *real* and *authentic* to ME, then there simply ain't no point to anything anyways. So why even bother, right?

In the end, in order to exist within this world as a living, breathing, functional person, I need one thing and one thing only - I need to relieve, alleviate, and finally put to rest and cure my gender dysphoria. If I fail to do so, then I fail my life. And if I fail me, then I also ultimately fail my daughter, which is an unacceptable outcome.

Is any of this fair? No, it's not. Not one bit. But fairness ain't got nothing to do with squat. At least not within the lives of those who transition.

As Kaitlyn and those others who have been there done that advise (and rightfully so) - do not transition unless you absolutely must. If there is a viable alternative, take it. If no viable alternative exists, well, then that really, really sucks for you.

But, doing these things, moving forward, if it is right for you, at some point along the way everything changes within your head. At least it has in mine.

I never thought I would be capable of experiencing true *hope.* I have that now, and it's more powerful and sustaining than I could have ever previously believed or understood.

And perhaps surprise of all surprises - I actually *like* myself for the very first time in my life. Which has been an *amazing* feeling, and one which I want never to let go ever again. Truly, I did not recognize just how dead inside I was before all of this, and how truly bereft of hope I had been.

By most measures, I had a very successful life, and a life that many would have coveted and traded for in a heartbeat. I had no reason to complain about anything. I had every reason to just shut the F up, accept my good fortune, and be grateful for what I had.

Except that none of it was real, because I wasn't real. And the status quo was *never* going to allow it to be real. Ever.

Also, to remain in that life, to remain in that lie, would have been tantamount to being sentenced to death, and only a matter of time. Because severe gender dysphoria knows no mercy.

So yeah, it's worth it. Even with all of the uncertainty, the unknowns, and the inherent variables faced by those who must transition - it's worth it, and it's got to BE worth it because there is *no* other way.

Anyways, speaking of worth, you can take anything I have written here for whatever it's worth. Which may not be that much at all, for all I know.

But still . . . .

[Nigella]

I have had one of the easiest transitions possible, but each step taken was carefully calculated and those that I NEEDED with me were a big part of making the decisions necessary to transition, upon reflection, the only regret was not doing it sooner.

The only sage piece of advice that is given unanimously on this forum is "Don't transition unless you have too". From your OP you don't, at this point, NEED to. The first point of call is a therapist who specialises in GD and this is yet another sage piece of advice from those who have gone before.

[Karen62]

Anne, I went to counseling today and I mentioned the concepts in this thread and what they meant to me. I said I knew I was facing an impossibly hard road ahead, one where I may lose my career (although I certainly hope not), dear friends (well, dear to me now before I reveal my truth), lots of money that shoudl have been spent on retirement and the like, but not doing this is the only thing that could possibly be worse.


So yeah, it's worth it. Even with all of the uncertainty, the unknowns, and the inherent variables faced by those who must transition - it's worth it, and it's got to BE worth it because there is *no* other way.

You know why it's worth it, Anne? Because you've realized YOU are worth it. You are worth living out your truth. So am I.

Thank you for the inspiration today. I needed it.

Karen

[paola_gemi]

Thank you all for your comments: Thank you Anne, Your input has really inspire me too like it would probably inspire other people.
Telling things as they are make a difference. I did not post this thread to obtain any kind of validation, I guess some people will share their experience with out any reservations and some will comment based on a specific point, and some times opinions can be taken out of context.
Perhaps when some one like my self post a thread like this, expressing doubt and uncertainty other people may thing they are more knowledgeable on the subject, but I got comments that I am perhaps getting ahead of my self, I certainly appreciate their perspective, but I am approaching 45 and I feel that besides my middle age crisis I have to deal with my dysphoria. I deal with my dysphoria since I was about 6 years old, and the way I grew up I didn't pay attention to it because I had to worry about other growing up issues, and continued my life getting these on and off outbreaks of dysphoria without any treatment; However it was always there and it would always cause a conflict in my life no matter what age I was. Only until about 10 years ago is that I decided to explore more and educate my self in the matter.

I don't think I am getting ahead of my self because I ask my self, " How much longer have to wait?", and the other thing is that it has been mentioned that some one should transition " Only if you need to" What does that mean? what is the answer to that, should I transition only if I feel suicidal?
I don't think I have gotten to that point, never have attempted to cut my life, but it crosses my mind some time to think that I could end my dysphoria that way.

I am the type of person that likes to do everything in an effort to prevent unwanted things, in my work, in my family, in my health, and it would be sad for me to have to wait to feel that I have to keel my self in order to say "Oh it is time for transition". No disrespect to the advise, but when does someone have to?

My idea of posting this thread was to see different point of views based on real experiences and I would take those good use in a very objective way.
I do not think nor was I expecting to have all the answers, I think there is no right or wrong answer, but it helps when someone like you tell things how they happened and then I can make my conclusions and whom ever reads this thread.

I am aware of many things that could be going south when making the smallest decision. But there are many things that I don't know, and the bottom line is that I don't think that my dysphoria will go away ever, and that is why I and to know the odds and ends of whom ever wants to share, so I can dissipate my fears, doubts and try to learn fro other people's mistakes, so mine are lesser.

It sounds like a rough road you had had, but I really applaud you for your endurance, and I also appreciate all of you commenting in this thread, because it is attaining the purpose.


Thank you all,


Paola

[Rianna Humble]

it has been mentioned that some one should transition " Only if you need to" What does that mean? what is the answer to that,

The meaning is explained as often as the advice is given, but I will give you a few examples not necessarily drawing on what you personally have written

If you value your relationship with your wife more than you value being congruent then you do not need to transition at this stage
If you value your professional standing more than the idea of being whole then you do not need to transition at this stage
If you are not prepared to lose friends and relations then you do not need to transition at this stage
If you fear being ostracised more than you fear continuing to present as a man then you do not need to transition at this stage
If you think that transition could be a mistake for you then you probably do not need to transition at this stage

On the other hand

If becoming congruent is the most important thing in your life then you probably need to transition
If you are prepared (even reluctantly and with great sadness) to lose your relationship with your wife so that you can become whole then you probably need to transition
If your professional standing means less to you than being true to yourself then you may need to transition
If you are ready to be ostracised, get cat-calls and generally be treated like dirt because you are becoming the real you then you probably need to transition
If you feel that being lonely and unloved as a woman is better than spending another day as a man then you probably need to transition


As to what the answer is to that? Only you can say and very possibly only after talking it through with a qualified Gender Therapist (another piece of advice that is often given and usually passed over by the detractors).

Do you need to transition? You tell me.

[TIFFANY B]

I regret that I HAD to transition, well I guess it's not regret so much as I'm just pissed off that I have to go through this shit because it sucks! Especially when you've had complications from one of the various surgeries you, no doubt, will feel compelled to get. Trust me, There is no lonelier place to be than in a room full of people who have had successful surgical outcomes when you have not! I regret that I paid $23,000 and still don't have a vagina. What I have is a painful, bloody, stinky, open wound between my legs where my penis ues to be. As a bonus when I ues the toilet I get to pee all over myself. Recently I found my current situation so depressing that I had to check myself into a psychiatric hospital for 15 days because I was suicidal. Yeah, sometimes shit don't work out. A healthy sex life was important to me too and 3 years into HRT I could achieve orgasms now, post surgery, I'd be happy with just not peeing on myself and getting rid of the wound they call a "vagina"
Yes I'm bitter.

It's very much a catch 22 because if I hadn't had SRS I would have always wanted it and been unhappy with my body the way that it was.


I'm very sorry you are going through that. That's what my SO fears are to 'hopefully you can find someone that can fix your problem.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My comments were of the nature that you need to take this very seriously... you are at "THAT" age...you are suffering from GD.... i don't think it will ever get lesser for you either because for transsexuals it never does.

you don't want to feel worse but ONLY YOU can judge that... you don't want to make all these life changes but only you can judge whether they make sense
Transsexuals don't regret transition...they regret things that happen to them before during and after transition... you will regret many things but you will have to accept them (assuming transition is in the cards)

You didn't answer a key point that was brought up multiple times. Therapy. That's why i brought up "getting ahead of yourself"...

... go to a therapist...invest in yourself and your quality of life... that's why I commented you are getting ahead of yourself.....it would help you so much, and if you are "ahead of yourself" you can catch up very quickly...i learned so much in my first 2 or 3 sessions that i could guess where it all was going (and trust me i didn't start out with a therapist planning on transitioning)....and when i did realize where it was going it was probably the worst time in my life and having the help of therapy and the ts people i met through the group therapy was critical to give me the best quality of life in my transition

[katem]

Like many others have said, definitely see a good gender therapist for a nice long period of time before making any drastic decisions.

When I was around 14, I was highly considering transition. A good few months of therapy helped me place my goals in perspective and made me realize that part-time girl mode was just good enough and that I still enjoyed my male life. I can tell you that if I had transitioned then, I probably would have been happy with the result but definitely still missed my male side. Some days now, I still wonder what it would be like to just be a girl all the time - but I've learned to push that energy into my time as a girl instead of wondering "what could be". Right now, you have the "switch" to turn your girl mode on or off. That can be advantageous in some cases and it's always best to make sure you don't want to flip the switch back to guy mode again. For me, the "switch" almost brings enjoyment now, after many years of not knowing what to do.

[gonegirl]

With respect to the post above, if someone has a "switch" then they are absolutely not transsexual. There's no switch, and saying that is pretty disrespectul to all the women here. What there is are various levels of denial and hiding.

[Rianna Humble]

Although katem may not have used your preferred terminology, she has as much right to express an opinion on what the OP said as anyone else. Whilst Paola has given us dribs and drabs of additional information, her original post certainly reads as someone who values the boy mode as well as the girl mode. In that context katem's observations are valid and are not insulting anyone.

[Kathryn Martin]

As time passes by I think I am convincing my self more and more to take that step;

There is little I can add to what has already been said. But this sentence out of all you wrote is kind of scared me. What is it that you are trying to convince yourself of. I think that is a very important question to ask yourself.

As to regret? If you regret after transition that you transitioned then you did not do the work you should have done before convincing yourself that you have to take the step. Dangerous stuff that. And very harmful not only to yourself.

[paola_gemi]

Thanks all for your comments. Let me start by saying that I was not avoiding the question about getting therapy. I have considered therapy for a long time, in fact I did get some counseling at some point, and I addressed my Dysphoria issues, but then something happened in my life that I had to move away, then I didn't continue with therapy.

Anyhow, I am here with the great news that I am back to therapy. I had my first session today and I am very pleased with the therapist. She seems to understand the type of issues I have and I am comfortable in the way she approaches them.
I think that this step is a big progress for me.

In regards to the comment of "Convincing my self more and more" it is very hard some times to get a point across in this type of venues ( Blogs ) some times things get to of context, but I will make an effort to be careful with the wording.
It is not that I have to convence my self of any thing, it is more of realizing what I really am, and what I really feel.

Some times we block ourselves from our feelings and desires to do something, when we get too involved in the every day life and try to please every body but our selves.
I am not convincing my self of any thing, I think I am making me more aware of things I did not consider before, and when I say convince, I probably mean "Oh that's right" kind of thing.

I do have fears, I do have questions, I realize that transitioning is a big step, but the bottom line is that what I feel is that:
1.- I am not happy with my life,
2.- I am happiest when I either dress and turn into female mode or fantasize becoming a woman
3.- A lot of my confusions about gender as well as my sexuality, keep getting clearer as I search for knowledge in the subject.

My original question about regrets after transitioning was not made to validate anything, but to get other people's perspectives and learn more about what I might encounter or relate to any of that my self.

In the end, my question is doing its job so far, since I am having a lot of feed back and I already noticed a slight change in my fears, and that is a good thing.


It feels good.


Hugs,


Paola.

[Michelle.M]

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . ..

I dunno . . . I'm not sure how you define that, but I can't say that transition has been much of a hardship for me. Oh, sure, there have been challenges, but when compared to living in a male body the sacrifices I've had to make were relatively easy choices.

I would have to say that my transition has been as easy as one could expect. That someone else might view my sacrifices as burdensome might cause them to think otherwise, but for me it's been a bargain when compared to the alternative.

[Karen62]

Paola, I am the last person who should be giving advice on this topic, as I have hardly just started the transition process. I have come out at work (at least to HR), I am seeing a gender therapist who already wrote me the letter for HRT, and I start HRT next Tuesday. I have also started laser treatments to remove what little bit of dark facial hair I have left at 52 (coming up next: electro!). I also dress full-time at home, and have been outside the house in femme clothes just a few times (but only to my therapist's office and back, and only in women's jeans and clogs -- no cosmetics, jewelry or a wig). As this all changes from being just a conceptual thing to an actual physical thing for me, I do have periodic, creeping doubts, especially while at work. But when that mild panic hits me, I immediately analyze it and realize I do not doubt the authenticity of my feminine identity; rather, I am doubting my fortitude to make it through the long slog of a public transition. But then I think, "Do I really want to let what other people might think of me dictate how I live the entirety of the rest of my life, especially when these people are mostly strangers whose opinions otherwise have no value to me?" and the answer is always a resounding NO.

All I can tell you is having doubts is good if it makes you examine your reasons for wanting to pursue this. If you are living a fantasy, then you need to understand that fantasies are rarely realized, and the substitution of reality can really suck. And if you doubt your strength to deal with the many challenges of transition, and you think it might be easier to just "deal with it" and live life as a man who can get enough GD relief from privately crossdressing, then that is your answer. But if you are tired of living the lie, tired of denying who you are, tired of censoring every spoken word and assessing every gesture made to ensure you are not coming across as a woman lest you be outed (oh the horror!), then that's a pretty compelling argument for pursuing by whichever means you choose to start living your life authentically. Your argument factors will be different from mine, and the weighting of the factors will also be different (I am fairly lucky -- I have no SO right now, have no kids, have a good job, and a supportive employer, although I got the impression this week from the HR guy that I may actually be the first TG employee to ever pursue transition (and they are a fairly big employer), and that made me a bit nervous -- again).

In the end, you have to make the call for your own life. Doubt can be an asset (I'm talking to myself as much as to anyone else right here). Use the doubt to explore your life thoroughly, and take all the time you need to be sure -- as sure as anyone ever can be. We only get one life to live, and I'm not going to let the odd, questioning looks of complete strangers dissuade me from finally living an authentic life. I know it'll be hard to get through, really hard, but life itself is hard, and I doubt I could sustain my life if I did NOT do this). And in the end, we all end up in the same place - in the ground. So this girl's ready for HRT, but that's as far as I have gotten with my commitments to myself. I will see how I feel after that, and then I'll determine my own next steps. I have an idea of what is to come, but I want a bit of validation first. Baby steps.

I wish you all the best in finding your own truth, Paola. Please listen to the other women here. They are an amazing and diverse collection of fascinating people who have seen so much more in their lives than have either one of us. They have a lot of wisdom to impart to us. But your life remains yours. Do what is best for you. No regrets.

Hugs,

Karen

[Ann Louise]

Certain, convincing answers to your questions and doubts are not likely to be found unless you reach the point where you are willing to repeatedly undertake actions which risk fear, embarrassment, and loss regardless of the consequences. Even in the best of circumstances, most folks' lives, even for non-trans people , are a series of compromises strung together of which we do our best to feel good about after the fact. There are few if any certainties (this you know), and satisfaction is certainly not guaranteed. However, there are touchstones in our lives that radiate joy, like the birth of a child, a requited love, or being reunited with a dear friend, and these stir moments of emotional warmth and contentment. Watch for those moments as you walk this path and gain some assurance that you are on the right road. Do those moments, however few and far between, counterbalance the risks you would take?

[DebbieL]

My biggest regret after transition - that I didn't do it 50 years ago. It wasn't possible back then, cross-dressing was illegal, and those with gender identity psychosis (the delusion that they were women or wanted to be women) were treated very badly. Even back then, the extremely high suicide rate was well known, so men who wanted to be women were usually committed, shocked, and tortured and eventually lobotomized.

Later, they were institutionalized and drugs did much of the work previously done with the lobotomy. With enough drugs like Haldol, even though your mind was screaming, your outside was almost comatose quiet. It was a bit like the zombies you saw in the old movies. If you didn't take the drugs, they locked you up.

So much better now. At least you can go to a real doctor in the united states and get the needed care, including general medical care, HRT, and SRS when the time comes.

I do understand the reasoning behind the WPATH guidlines and they are really important for those who aren't in the "transition or die" category.

[Jennifer8]

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . .
But still . . . .

EVERYTHING!! in her post.
Because she says it all like 1000x better then I tried to.

But ya it sucks sometimes its hard sometimes BUT if I could of choose and had to chose btw being the most miserable girl like ever on the planet or being the happiest guy. Ya Id still pick being a girl every time :)

And NOOOO you dont have to think about or try to harm or kill yourself to be Trans
but if you do it because youd rather be dead then a guy, then YA! id say start transitioning tomorrow :)
because that is like a huge freakin sign big red flag waving bat signal saying you better do something

[Kimberly Kael]

I have yet to meet anyone in person who has claimed to have a relatively smooth, easy-going transition. Personally, I do not believe such a thing exists. At least not in the *real* world . . . .

The key here is "relatively." Not all transitions are equally difficult and the best case has definitely improved in some cultures over the past few decades. So by definition there are some of us who have it relatively easy compared to others. Compared to horror stories from folks who have lost their livelihoods, their homes, their families, and their friends? Or those who have had surgical complications? I think it's safe to say I had an extraordinarily smooth, easy-going transition. I know we haven't met in person but I have met several people here who can vouch for me. And the thing is, there's a generation of transgender children with supportive families who are going to have it way easier than me. It's not something I begrudge them. Far from it! I'm glad fewer and fewer people will have to endure the kinds of hardships that are still a reasonable expectation for most facing transition.

[tara.emily]

Here is my input, from someone who is yet to transition, and maybe will not.

Transgender is quite a broad spectrum and transitioning is not suited to all transgender people. Regret of transitioning for someone who has transitioned, if they have gone about it correctly, rarely happens (although I read not long ago about a person who had transitioned from male to female, who then wanted to transition back again).

As it was already mentioned, would you regret giving up so much that you have worked for in your life?

It's great that you're back to therapy. I'm on the search for a good therapist for myself, living in a small very right-wing village makes it difficult, the nearest big city is 2 hours away. Would I regret giving up the job I love so that I can move to a place where I can also get the professional help from a therapist and transition would be "safer"? No, I wouldn't. I'd be very sad; but, I wouldn't feel any regret; because, my inner peace is more important to me. That's an example of one of the things you need to understand about yourself, not decide.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

wow!!!

I love this line tara.emily... emphasis mine

".....you need to understand about yourself, not decide"

that's such a big deal that little word understand... deciding anything at all before you truly understand yourself (understanding oneself is a tough concept in practice but the point still holds true) is a mistake.
and therapy is hugely helpful to identify and work against those pesky roadblocks we put up to make it harder to understand ourselves..

and tara skype can work wonders...open up your search to those 2 or even 3-4 hours...go have a meeting and then do the rest by skype, its worth it.

[Anne2345]

I think it's safe to say I had an extraordinarily smooth, easy-going transition. I know we haven't met in person but I have met several people here who can vouch for me. And the thing is, there's a generation of transgender children with supportive families who are going to have it way easier than me. It's not something I begrudge them. Far from it! I'm glad fewer and fewer people will have to endure the kinds of hardships that are still a reasonable expectation for most facing transition.

Although I haven't ever visited Santa Cruz, California, my guess is that on the whole and just generally speaking, Santa Cruz is probably an easier place to transition than good ole Charleston, West Virginia.

Regardless, please do not mistake my words - like you - I do not begrudge ANYBODY that has the good fortune of proceeding through a relatively smooth or easier transition. Because really, it shouldn't have to be a horrible, life-blowing-up-and-destroying experience to begin with. In an ideal world, we should be celebrated for taking steps to heal ourselves as we take positive steps to address our medical condition, much in the same way others are who seek treatment and a cure for their respective medical conditions, whatever those conditions may be.

And if anything I can do or say in the here and now will help those further on down the road to have it a bit easier, then I am all for that and will do my part to affect positive change.

Believe me, if I could *choose* between the shitty circumstances of a brutally hard and painful transition and one that was less grueling and didn't require as much sacrifice, I wouldn't hesitate to choose the easier road.

As it is, at least here in West Virginia, I am relegated pretty much to Radioactive Tranny Leper status. Employers won't touch me with a ten-foot pole, I am in the middle of a bitter divorce, most of my friends have abandoned me, much of my family has forsaken me, I have no current job prospects, I have no idea where I am going to live after the family court judge kicks me out of my house, and I have no idea how I am even going to make it.

All I know is that somehow, someway, I am going to find a way and make it. But it the meantime, it's like having my eyeballs slowly scrapped across a field of broken glass over and over again . . . .

[Kimberly Kael]

While I've never been to West Virginia, I've certainly followed the state of LGBT politics in the area and I can only imagine how much you've suffered at the hands of strangers and presumed loved ones alike. Watching the most socially regressive states trip over themselves to prove how much they hate us is hard enough to bear from clear across the country!

While I actually transitioned in the Seattle area which is pretty progressive, I would agree wholeheartedly that Santa Cruz is a good environment for me. Heavens, we've had visitors who have asked whether any straight people live here after strolling around downtown! And yet I've some of the local transgender population through the local diversity center that we support, and there are some very familiar and unfortunate stories of hardship. My experience is no more or less representative than anyone else's, it's just my own. The truth that we all grew up in a culture of fear and suspicion regarding the entire LGBT spectrum. Some of our families and neighbors are more progressive than others, but none of them are completely free of the influence of their upbringing.

I wish you some good fortune ahead on your journey, Anne. You deserve a break and I know you'll make the most of future opportunities. Hopefully some of the animosity being stirred up by social progress dies down in your neck of the woods and you can find a few more allies when the dust starts to settle.

[PaulaQ]

I want to have your input and share your experiences as to if there was a real regret after transitioning in any degree.

I regret I didn't do this 25 years ago. Seriously.


I am worried that my sexual life will not be good, since sex is very important to me.

I won't lie to you and tell you that there aren't a lot of us who are lonely. But my sex life has never been better. I hated sex as a man. I found sex with women to be very unsatisfying. I'd always been attracted to men. I've had a much better sex life post transition. For one thing - I can feel free to ask my boyfriend for what I want, whereas before, I was very inhibited about asking for what I needed.

If you like performing penetrative sex with your penis, you may be disappointed post transition, because on HRT, that really isn't usually possible. I definitely wouldn't recommend GCS if you feel that way.

BTW, I haven't had GCS yet - February '16. I can't say whether or not I'll regret that, but unless I have a fairly seriously bad outcome, I think I'll probably feel a whole lot better after it. I also feel that unless things go just horribly wrong (it happens), I'll enjoy sex better.


I am also worried that since I was born a male, and I always lived my life as male and did the things that were expected from me as a male, I will not feel confortable at some point, to the degree of regret.

Yeah, that's a real possibility. You could lose your career. Over. Gone. You'll likely lose a ton of privilege - some people won't take you as seriously as a woman than they did as a man. What kinds of male activities do you fear you'll lose? I don't miss one thing about my old life. I really don't. I've been lucky - I kept my career. It's possible that you will too. A lot of this stuff is a real roll of the dice.


I will definitely will come out to my partner of 15 years, I will look the right moment in the next month or two, and I will start therapy as well, but I will really value your comment and any advises you may have.

I did lose my marriage. That's a real possibility for you. I miss her, but in the long run, there's no way it was going to work out. We're both straight. :( I don't regret that we aren't married anymore - I think that was inevitable. I just regret that we aren't friends anymore - I do miss her. She won't actually see me in person - I haven't seen her in person in over a year.

Most of us lose relationships in transition. The relationships that do last, and some do, often don't involve intimacy anymore. Again, this isn't 100% true, but it happens a lot, at least with people I know who's spouses have stayed with them during transition.

Anyway, overall, no regrets. Wish I'd done this sooner - a lot sooner.

[sarahcsc]

Hi Paola,

There probably isn't much to contribute after hearing from everybody else. However, I thought you might find some information from the medical literature illuminating.

If I understood correctly, your question is, "are there any regrets after transitioning?"

Although there is a lack of long-term follow-up data that measures true success of hormonal and surgical treatment for gender dysphoria, the consensus appears to be that the majority of patients who undergo gender reassignment surgery are satisfied with the outcome. (1)

One study, however, found that 10% of patients showed worsening of psychosocial condition after surgery. (2)

Reasons for that include incorrect diagnosis, prior mental health problems and surgical complications. (3)

There are certain risk factors that can increase the risk of post surgery regret which include inadequate family support, weak social networks, unrealistic expectations of surgery and poor understanding of its limitations. (4)

According to the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) 2011: appendix C, which outlines the eligibility criteria for gender reassignment treatment, in order for one to be eligible for hormonal treatment, they must fulfill the following criteria: (5)

a) persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
b) capacity to make fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
c) age of majority in any given country (there is a separate standard of care for children and adolescents);
d) if significant medical or mental concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

In order to be eligible for genital surgery, one must fulfill the following criteria:

a) persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria;
b) capacity to make fully informed decision and to consent for treatment;
c) age of majority in any given country (there is a separate standard of care for children and adolescents);
d) if significant medical or mental concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.
e) 12 continuous months of hormone therapy is appropriate to the patient's gender goals (unless the patient has a medical contraindication or is otherwise unable or unwilling to take hormones)
f) 12 continuous months of living in a gender role that is congruent with the gender identity.

Regret is always a possibility in life no matter what you do or don't.

The role of a gender therapist is to provide you with an accurate diagnosis of gender dysphoria and/or any comorbid psychiatric conditions (if present), to counsel and educate you on the possible treatment options, to provide you a safe place to explore your sexuality, to make formal recommendations to medical and surgical colleagues, and also to educate family members, employers and institutions about gender identity disorders. (6)

They are there to reduce the risk of post transition regret, but they do not eliminate the risk altogether.

The real-life experience if often misperceived by people as being some kind of "test" as to whether they will be "allowed" surgery/hormones. On the contrary, this is designed to allow a chance to experience life and the issues involved in belonging to their preferred gender, to ensure that they are making an informed decision about their capacity to function in it. (7)

If you're thinking seriously about transitioning, that I would suggest that you go through the recommended steps as outlined by WPATH.

However, please understand that those are just guidelines and treatment should ideally be individualized. Which means, some people may choose to have either hormonal or surgical treatment, or both, depending on their own circumstances.

Good luck in your transitioning. :)

Love,
Sarah

References:
(1) Levine SB, Soloman A (2009) Meanings and political implications of 'psychotherapy' in a gender identity clinic. A report of 10 cases. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy 35: 40-57
(2) Michel A, Mormont C, Legros JJ (2001) A psycho-endocrinological overview of transexualism. European Journal of Endocrinology 145:365-76
(3) Decuypere G, Elaut E, Heylens G, et al (2006) Long term follow up. Psychosocial outcome of Belgian transsexuals after sex reassignment surgery. Sexologies 15:126-33
(4) Gorin A, Bonierbale M, Lancon C (2008) Gender dysphoria (GD). What role for the psychiatrist? Sexologist 17:S21
(5) World Professional Association for Transgender Health (2011) Standards of Care for the health of transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People (7th version). WPATH (www.wpath.org)
(6) Meyer W, Bockting W, Cohen-Kettenis P, et al (2002) The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association's Standard of Care for Gender Identity Disorders, Sixth Version. Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality 13:1-30
(7) Bockting W (2008) Psychotherapy and the real-life experience. From gender dichotomy to gender diversity. Sexologies 17:211-24