What happens...?

[evadan]

What happens when we get old or even pass on? My wife knows and supports my cd'ing but at 52 years old, I don't plan on coming out to anyone else. Eva's wardrobe and accessories are growing - sometimes to wife's consternation. And at some point, Eva will have a whole closet and dresser to herself. So what happens down the road (hopefully way down the road) when when my kids have to clean out my house? Which would be more of a shock for them: to find out directly from me about my other side near the end of my days or to discover it after I've gone?

Thoughts? And has anyone else pondered this issue?

Eva D.

[Lynn Marie]

I've pondered this very thing also and I'd be surprised if just about all of us over the age of 50 haven't pondered the same thing. I was living in an apartment up until last year and I figured I would just drag my entire closet full of my enfemme wardrobe and accessories down to the dumpster with my dying breath! Oh yeah, my network hard drive would have to go too. Now I'm not so worried. I'm starting a biography for my daughter so she'll understand my heart from my own hand rather than her having to guess who I really was. I also live next door to my best friend who is also a CD. That will help too. One other thing is that I'm so much more comfortable with myself these days that I'm no longer worried about who knows about the real me anymore.

[DanaR]

My wife knows about me, so if I were to go first, there wouldn't be a problem. My daughters know about me too, so I suppose that wouldn't be a big deal; which might be for them.

[bridget thronton]

My wife and kids know - so no surprises for them

[Rachelakld]

At 49.9 years old, my thoughts are: "Who the hell was dad?", "why didn't he trust us with this?", "did he not understand how much we loved him?"

Not a question I intend to surprise my kids with, I want them to know who I am (faults and all).
Besides, some of my dresses look really good on them, just wish they would leave my makeup alone, nah just kidding, I love them to bits, even when they are wearing my makeup and have hidden it in their rooms.

[Beverley Sims]

Well it is something that will probably mess with their minds a little.
That is unless I leave my wife behind.

[MsVal]

When dad's belongings are distributed to her children, there will be the son that will get dad's tools when he REALLY wanted her shoes.

Best wishes
MsVal

[pamela7]

I doubt the new generations will be that bothered. We'll be publicly gender-diverse within 20 years or less.
What kind of people do you think your kids are that they won't love you cos of the clothing you left behind?
How did you raise them to be transphobic?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Who cares really what your kids think- it's what your wife thinks that matters, and if you're out to her then there's no shock. Relax- it'll give them something to gossip about.

[Marcelle]

Hi Eva,

I haven't really given this a lot of thought because my wife, my family and most people I know, know about me. However, if you are concerned, you could ensure your wife is aware of you concerns and let her deal appropriately with the clothing should something happen to you.

Hugs

Isha

[NicoleScott]

What kind of people do you think your kids are that they won't love you cos of the clothing you left behind?
How did you raise them to be transphobic?

Nobody has suggested that kids won't love their dad when they discover after his death that he was a crossdresser. Yes, they may have questions about why he kept it secret, and most of all, why he crossdressed, as most non-crossdressers really don't (can't) understand it. Heck, even we don't understand it. But "raise them to be transphobic"? Are you kidding?

Eva, my situation is similar. My wife knows but nobody else. All of my stuff is kept in one place, and she has instructions to dispose of it all after my death. But if she goes first or we go together, I'll have to have another plan. I would leave a short note: These are my clothes. I like to wear them occasionally and privately for comfort and pleasure. That's all that needs to be said.

As to the timing of the shock, I prefer it to be after death, as there would be no coming-out consequences that would affect my life. The kids could choose to reveal it to others or keep my secret, their choice. I made my choice, they can make theirs.

[Brittany327]

I've sometimes thought about the ramifications of leaving my dressup things behind.

However, I really think it better to focus on a great quality of life, rather than what happens thereafter.
We are all apparently so worried about things that might be beyond our control.It does distract from being the person I'd like to be.

[Lorileah]

:thinking: (Crying in whole family) "Dad died...This is so sad. It is so hard getting rid of all the things in the house that hold memories" :cry: "Oh look a whole bunch of clothing for women..."

Two alternatives, you know your kids better than we do so choose one

"Why didn't he tell us. Poor dad, keeping a secret like that. Did you know, mom? Are there any pictures? I wish he had told us we could have gone shopping or watched What Not To Wear together...:cry:"

Or...
"Dad was a freak. Send this to the thrift store and we won't discuss it again..:

Either way you won't know. But one would hope you raised your children to be self thinking, open minded adults who know the world isn't all Ozzy and Harriet. Best idea is to just tell them ahead of time...or get rid of all that embarrasses you long before the fact (You know how many parents have "toys" or magazines in their closet??). When my GF died and her daughter cleaned out her house she found my wigs and dresses and :cute: our toys. I was embarrassed, you know what she said?

"I am an adult woman...it doesn't surprise me at all"

[Sarah-RT]

i went on a two week vacation to the states two years ago and while gone my mom sent me a text to say she was doing up my room and it would be ready when i got back. she said ''sorry but youll still have your old bed, dont have time to organise a new one''

the relief, i have drawers under my bed where i store all my stuff. i can only imagine the thoughts of what could have happened, and I wouldnt have been dead to avoid that can of worms

[Khora]

The wife would probably be happy she just doubled her wardrobe.

[emily606]

I think it's easy to assume it doesn't matter to those you leave behind, but you won't be there to defend, justify, or enlighten whatever thoughts they have about your alternate self. A few years ago, I purged all the photos of myself dressed up and more recently, because my own children were at an age where I couldn't assure myself that anything was safely hidden, I purged everything.

Speaking for myself, the love of crossdressing is something that I've always been afraid to share. My wife knows, but I'm expected to keep it private. I intend to comply with her wishes. My first time dressing up was forced upon me at a summer day camp and I have always felt shame and humiliation over it.

In death, it's my hope that those feelings will no longer exist. Since I hope that for myself, I wouldn't want anyone in my family feeling upset over it. Therefore, I hope none of them will ever find out.

Emily

[Heather_Shirly]

THis will sound completely depressing but... the thing is when your dead you are dead and nothing can effect you from that point on as you are no longer a part of these earthly confines.

As for your kids cleaning out your house leave them a note or something or just do nothing. By the time the end of your days come the whole gender ideity thing will be thought about completly diffrent then it is now and i don't think they will be shocked that much.

[Jackie7]

If I go first my darling wife will deal with it all. If I'm last man standing, it will fall to one of my kids, I'm out to them though not in their faces. As I overheard my daughter (age 45) telling one of her friends, " My Dad has an interesting life. " I'll count on being more than a crossdressing cypher to them all.

[marilyn m]

hi yes this could be awkward for them , my neice and daughter have there suspicions,
my ex knows and would clear up, dont know if i should come out to them, worried they would freak,
and i would loose them, what do you say to them ?

[MsLana]

My wife just read this post with me and she said she'd be very sad and would miss Lana and husband time...then said "after I quit being so sad I'd find another CD and keep having fun!!!"......that's my girl :love:

[Terri Andrews]

At 70 I think of this often.
My spouse is very accepting,so if I go first ,no problem.
In case we both go at the same time we wrote letters and put the with our important papers .
We did not write the letters to change any minds just to explain the clothes.

[DeeNile]

This has crossed my mind on a few occasions. A close friend of mine knows to come get my Dexter bag and destroy it. However, I have also wondered about when I die, how do I want to be "disposed" of. Part of me says cremation, and another part of me says use my ashes to be fused into a tree seed to be planted. Then I wonder, what about being buried in a casket? What do I wear? Unless I specify in my will, most likely some boring ole boy clothes. Should I specify that I want to be underdressed, or perhaps, full on en femme? Then I think, what if the ancient Egyptians got it right. You take with you what you have when you die and buried with. Would I be forever "cursed" for all eternity dressed that way? Deep thoughts... lololol

[bimini1]

It's only a matter of time. What I also think about and not to sound religious but of there is a spirit after death would it also be TG? And what other spirits would it encounter? Would you like, run into deceased family members while crossdressed on the other side? Then you'd really be outed for eternity I guess.

[evadan]

Wow! So many great and constructive perspectives. My children are all males and I'm not sure they would be as understanding or comfortable with the idea as daughters would be. But I don't know for certain. One could be a secret cd'r? After dealing with the recent passing of a parent which resulted in numerous unanswered questions and secrets revealed, I do not want to leave my children in the same situation. That is what has gotten me to think about this in the first place. So, I like the idea of leaving a letter. Something to think about in 30 years or so! :battingeyelashes:

You ladies are fabulous!

Thank you so much...

Eva D.

[Evie08]

I too was concerned about hiding this from my daughters. Luckily they enjoyed going to the local Pride Parade and invited me to join them. They were curious why and how I knew so many people in the parade. After the parade, I explained those are the people I spend time with. They were introduced to Evie as well as several of my friends. It's truly wonderful to honest and open with them. They know that they always welcome. And, I never have to hide a thing.

[Taylor Ray]

I have thought about this too, and I always come back to:

Well, I will be dead, so it doesn't matter. There is nothing wrong with this lifestyle, but these types of worries seem to indicate that there is something wrong.

Think of it this way: what if some sick serial killer died and his family "found" his hidden torture chamber. Now that would send negative reverberations throughout the entire community.....

Finding some dresses and wigs? Ahh, who cares!

[KlaireLarnia]

Who cares really what your kids think- it's what your wife thinks that matters, and if you're out to her then there's no shock. Relax- it'll give them something to gossip about.

I find that so insulting and suggests you do not have children (I may be wrong but that is so negative and selfish it is unreal).

I - and most of us here - care deeply what our children think of us. They are our future, our legacy when we are gone. My daughter never knew my parents because they both passed away years before she was born. But I tell her stories of them, recite memories I have. She knows through me that they where good people, flawed in some ways, but people who loved me and my bother and would have adored her. My dad died 7 years before she died and 2 years before my wife came to England. By my memories of my dad are good and rightly so. My daughter therefore has been passed on a view that paints a (rightly) good picture of both my parents.

Imagine the flip side. You don't tell your children you dress, they find out when you died and are shocked and horrified as a result. 15 years later your grandchildren ask about you because they never met you and your child says - "Dad died, and I glad because it turned out I never really knew him at all. He was a liar and I hate him." - Yeah, not something I would want.

My daughter and wife both know I dress and have open access to my clothes. They BOTH tell me when I go too far so I can tone down and balance my dressing with their comfort and acceptance. What I want in future years is for my daughter to tell my grandchildren that I dressed if she feels they need to know but the underlying message will be that I loved her and her mother dearly, would do anything for them and was a good man.

[CarlaWestin]

Personally, I'm taking everything with me!

But, if that doesn't work out, whoever survives me will donate a lot of stuff to charity and probably roll there eyes at a few items. You know, like breast forms, sissy dresses, a couple hundred bras and other 'things'!

[marilyn m]

yes i want to go out in a frock
what a way to go lol x:c9: