Need serious advice on how to continue my transition

[MaudeB]

Hello,
I started HRT on January 10th 2014, more than a year ago. At the same time, I began electrolysis. I can’t use Laser because my beard is mostly white. I accumulated about 85 hours during the year, 55 of wich really counts because we upped the current and duration. Long story short, at this time, I’m about 35% done. Why not more? Because I had to shave every Monday, either for the support group or the speech specialist. I WON’T go out dressed as a woman with the beard clearly showing.

My plan was to be fulltime by January 2015. Obviously this won’t happen. I promised myself that I wouldn’t fulltime as long as there one whisker left of the beard. That’s not negotiable for me. Both electrologists I consulted (mine and another I trust) repeated the same thing: don’t EVER shave…

So now, more than a year after, I’m facing a whole in boy mode with the long beard 24/7. That as been a nightmare for me. On January 23rd, I shaved for the last time until my beard is gone. That means no outing as a woman. That’s hardship number one.

Hardship number two: because I did my coming-out to my employer on April Last year, they informed me that to pursue any further, my name must be changed legally. I had heard of MtF in Québec for whom it took two-three years to complete the process.

Not knowing how long it would take for me, I built a very strong document highlighting why I should change my name and had two docs sign it. Oh surprise, the acceptance letter came in in September and the legal certificate in October. Wow ! I hadn’t bargin for this…

Now my name is change almost everywhere but work.

Here is my question: I’m debating doing my coming-out at the office, explaining that my name is Maude, legally, and explain to my coworkers the stages involved in transition so that they get accustomed to my name. However, I’ll still present as male, and a wookie at that…

The only thing that will connect me for the next year is my name. I AM Maude…

Should I push HR to make the change in order to get me in equilibrium again somewhat or endure full boymode 24/7 for a year with all the triggers involved.
I’ll await your comments,

Maude

[Rianna Humble]

I am not a specialist, but as far as I am aware, shaving will only delay the total clearance it won't negate it to the point that you have to go about with a beard.

I would not personally choose to present male with a female name, that to me would be sending out entirely the wrong message.

[PretzelGirl]

I would be tempted to talk with your electrologist again. I have never heard someone be told to just not shave. Normally it is a request to have a certain amount of days of growth. Mine for instance only requires one day and since I always schedule my appointments for Friday morning, I shave Wednesday and don't Thursday and that is it. This is one of the tough things we do and I think at some level, most of us has presented as our true self with some growth.

Realistically, you could be looking at 150-200 more hours. We are each different, so it is hard to tell. So I would go forward with a plan that includes the high end so you are ready for it. Remember, if your hair is mostly light, it will not be very noticeable (except to you since we all tend to be self conscious) once it has thinned down a lot.

I agree with Rianna. I changed my name about 6 weeks before transitioning at work. For part of the time, I didn't tell them. Once I told them, I said I wanted an arrangement where my name changed at the same time my presentation did. Mentally, it was smoother for me that way and probably for my co-workers too.

[Ann Louise]

I would suggest that you select target areas for your electrolysis treatments, and only leave those areas to grow in preparation for your sessions. I gave my electrologist her first "mission" when I told here my primary objective was to be able to kiss someone without little "stickers" scratching away. My treatments are on Fridays, so on Tuesday I would leave my upper lip to grow in preparation while shaving the remainder out of sight. It took a full year to completely clear my upper lip and sides, and gave her plenty to work with. It's a great deal easier for you to conceal a small crop of errant facial hair showing for a few days rather than an entire face to worry about. ^_^

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i transitioned in 2009.. i still shave 5 times a week..its mostly right on my upper lip and the side of my chin.....electrolysis has been a big problem...i have over 300 hours in...i stopped 3 years ago...yes i wish i didn't stop and may start up again but that's not my point...it didn't stop me.

what you are talking about is a trade off that i would not make but obviously that's a personal choice.
what should be non negotiable is transition.

as far as specifics, lots of transsexuals use the strategy ann louise brought up..you target areas and just deal with it..i know many others that do this...shaving is an issue only in the sense that you want the electrologist to see every hair...about 4 or 5 days of growth should do it.. you let a patch grow on your chin or side of face...and you go after that patch at your session.

you can do what you want with your name but do not be surprised if people have trouble with this..i would have trouble with it...

i have a friend that did this and its very confusing and i'm always on alert..
...i met her as a guy...she is in a state of permanent transition... i call her her name but in my own mind's eye i think of her as a guy...its the same issue cisgender people face and i wish i could think of her as a woman(and in reality i do) but my instinctual reaction to her is what i'm talking about..

[LeaP]

"Don't ever shave"? That only makes sense to me – at all – if you are going for full clearings at least once a week. Any competent electrologist should be able to work with 3 to 4 days growth, max. Mine will work with two in a pinch, but it slows her down a bit.

[flatlander_48]

Hardship number two: because I did my coming-out to my employer on April Last year, they informed me that to pursue any further, my name must be changed legally. I had heard of MtF in Québec for whom it took two-three years to complete the process.

M:

Just a question: Is that a Canadian requirement or just your employer?

[gonegirl]

"Don't ever shave"? That only makes sense to me – at all – if you are going for full clearings at least once a week.

There is facial hair that grows very very slowly that will need to be taken care of at some point. If you close shave before it has time to grow far enough out from skin level to be treated, then the technician will be forced to dig for it. Unfortunately, not shaving is the lesser of two evils.

[Angela Campbell]

I had less than 100 hrs when I went full time. continued electro weekly since then....about a year. Just now getting to where I do not shave. I would shave wed. then go get treatment on sun morning. no probs at all. If electrologist tells you to never shave find a new one.

for me looking like a man while having female name and everyone knowing would be an un endurable thing. I changed my name and never presented as male since.

[LeaP]

There is facial hair that grows very very slowly that will need to be taken care of at some point. .

Yes, but that is also typically far finer and not the issue at only 1/3 done besides.

[gonegirl]

It's not finer hair I'm talking about, it's beard.

This is information I'm sharing from my experience, with over 250 hours of facial work, and from my electrologist who's been in the business for 30 years. People will do whatever they want, but informed choices are always better. It's a waste of energy to debate stuff like this.....

[Aprilrain]

Everyone's face and facial hair is different. After three years of weekly hitting it hard electroloisys I don't shave and I don't go for electro on any kinda regular schedule anymore and I just look like any other woman, if you look closely there is hair, lots of fine hair. There are still some "whisker" type hairs but they are few and far between and still dark for the most part so I just hit them with laser when I go to have my legs done about every 6 weeks (still using up minutes on a package deal)

[MaudeB]

Thank you for all your comments, they are greatly appreciated. To flatlander_48: this is a requirement from my employer but from what I understand from others, it's pretty common. The catch though is this: once your name is changed at the government level, there is a requirement of sorts that you should change you name with all other agencies of both levels of government, provincial (state) and federal. Since you get a statement of earnings every year from your employer to do your taxes, once your name is changed with the equivalent of the IRS in Canada you're expected to file under the new name and, except for the year of the change, have documents with your new name... This will get tricky for me next year since the employer won't have a choice but to change my name for paperwork to match the IRS.

This will get interesting !

As for the beard, as some of you stated, there is a need for "some" regrowth for the electrologist to do her work. That means showing a beard for at least three-four days a week. Since I decided early on not to show myself as a woman with a beard, ANY beard, I'll accept the verdict of four out of four electrologists here and not shave at all until there is no more. We all have our crosses to bear, this will be mine.

Thanks again !

Maude

[Kaitlyn Michele]

How do you know disclosing your name will make your "triggers" go away?
Why bear an unnecessary cross?

It's your call but i have to be honest and say what you are doing seems like a less that great plan..

You have no certainty that you will be taken seriously except as a legal and HR matter (i.e. a problem to deal with). And they already know.

My electrologist is an expert...does full face clearings or hourly work with almost 20 years of experience...people fly from all over the country to see her.....i happened to talk to her this morning and she laughed when i told her about never shaving again...you are talking about not shaving for what? 2 years??

She said that in a PERFECT WORLD you'd have perfect hairs to zap every time...but that we've all shaved for dozens and dozens of years...the damage is done...its worse if you've plucked hairs...
she suggests 3-4 days growth minimum, 5-6 days is excellent...all of her transitioned clients leave pockets of hairs to sprout for 4+ days and then get them zapped...its not rocket science.

Im only highlighting that it seems to me you are putting this arbitrary roadblock up..you are hiding behind a beard so to speak...just IMHO...

my own gut is that people will understand you are full time but are doing hair removal a lot more than being asked to call you Maude with a 6 month mottled beard on your face...

[Aprilrain]

No electrologist wants to work with a woolly mammoth. NEVER shaving would make it HARDER for her/him to do their job.
Can you imagine one of those idiots from that stupid show Duck Dynasty going in to have his beard removed?? It would have to be trimmed down first. The problem is not with shaving it's with plucking.

[LeaP]

Agreed April and Kaitlyn. I had my electro appointment yesterday and took the opportunity to ask my tech whether she had ever heard of this. The answer was no and her comments included the fact that shaving only shears the hair off at the surface of the skin. There is no impact to the follicle one way or another from shaving, thus no implication for electrolysis. She said the only scenario in which that makes any sense was doing complete clearings at least weekly. She was curious enough to want to talk to those techs to hear what their reasoning is, though.

On the topic of trimming – I have had to trim a couple of times when my appointments got scrambled. I generally aim for 3 to 4 days of growth. When those got pushed out a couple of days, I had to get out my hair clippers with a trim blade and shorthaired comb.

[Tina_gm]

FWIW- There are GG's who have to wax their face from time to time. Many when they go to do their eyebrows will also hit around the mustache area or even more. And the NO NO.... shows women taking off hair in areas they don't want it.

[Paulette]

I am one who flew in to my electrolysis appointments and would be there for up to four days with two technicians working at the same time for 8 to 10 hours per day. The only hairs that really get eliminated are the ones in the active growth stage. There are many other hairs that will be removed but not totally eliminated, those hairs will be eliminated the next time around when they are in the active stage. My technician and her daughter have both won the prestiges golden probe award which is a national recognition of excellence by the electrolysis community. A weeks growth is all she asks before one of these marathon sessions. Since I am traveling to the appointments I dress subdued wearing yoga pants womens polo and when the TSA screeners ask my name I give my fem name and a female agent checks my underwire bra. I use the family restrooms and most people ignore my dress and of course my beard. Yes it is uncomfortable but when you have a beard and need to lose it you pull up your big panties and get it done. Just as electrolysis hurts like hell you still lay there and take it and thank the person after when you feel your smooth face.

[Peggie Lee]

I have been doing 2 hour sessions once a week for over a year, I put a band aid over a spot on my face and shave around it, so I appear hair free and have a 4 day growth under the band aid for the electrolysis.