BeckyAnderson
02-01-2006, 12:53 PM
January 31, 2006
Actually, this happened last night.....(an excerpt from my online diary (http://home.comcast.net/%7Eiamacd/diary.htm))
If anyone is interested in being bored to death my complete diary is on my web site.
Could this be a turn of events? I'm not sure.
I was sitting here dressed this evening and looking at a few pictures on my computer that I had taken earlier in the day. As usual when my wife is home my door was closed. She was in a good mood. I had to go to the ladies room so I let my wife know so she could cover her eyes. When she told me she was ready I opened the door and left the room with the pictures still up on my computer screen, leather jacket on my chair and my purse on the floor (thinking I would be right back). While I was in the bathroom my wife told me she wanted to put some mail on my desk. For some reason I had forgotten that the pictures were up on the screen and the other stuff around or on my chair. Anyway, I said, "go ahead, I'll be in the bathroom for a few minutes." She put the mail on my desk and went back into the kitchen. I came out of the bathroom and back into my computer room. As I walked in I realized what I had done and what she had seen and I felt my heart sink. I purposely asked her a question and her mood was decidedly different. SHE HAD SEEM MY PICTURES, MY JACKET AND MY PURSE!!!! She went down to the bedroom and as she walked passed my closed door she said, "I'm going to be in the bedroom for a while, you can open the door now. But her tone of voice was that of a depressed person.
As I mulled over the ramifications of her discovery of my pictures I heard my brother-in-law's truck pull into our driveway. I immediately shut down the computer, grabbed all of my stuff and went to the bedroom door to tell her that her brother was here. She panicked and said, "What the hell am I going to tell him?" I said, "I'll go into the bathroom, turn on the water in the tub and you tell him I just got into the shower." I went into the bathroom, closed the door and she came out of the bedroom to answer the front door. After a few minutes came around to the bedroom door entrance to the bathroom and said something that I couldn't hear because of the water running in the tub. She repeated it several times and I still couldn't hear. She was talking low enough so as not to let her brother hear what she was saying. Finally, I cracked open the door, asked her to repeat what she had said and I still couldn't hear her.
Well.......I finally opened the door all the way and there we are face to face for the first time while I was dressed.....I'm dressed to the 9's and she's in panic mode. I was surprised that she had a nonchalant expression on her face while she was looking right at me. She said, "You are going to have to change because he wants to ask you something." I said, "Okay stall him for about twenty minutes and I will change, get rid of my nail polish and makeup and then come out." Which she did.....
When I finally came out he asked me his question and we had a short conversation about a few things and then he left (never suspecting what he had walked in on). After he left, my wife looked at me and I looked at her thinking the brown stuff was going to hit the fan. She walked from the front door back into the kitchen and said, "Wow....that went well....How the hell did you get undressed and take off the nail polish and makeup in that short amount of time?" I jokingly told her with a half smile on my face that that was exactly what I used to do before you knew about my crossdressing so I have plenty of experience." Then she started to laugh, as did I. I thought to myself that this went rather well. She saw my pictures on the computer screen, my purse and jacket and she's seen me dressed, I almost got caught by my brother-in-law (all in one evening) and she's laughing. Wow!
For a brief moment in time I thought that maybe this was the evening that will change things around a bit and perhaps she won't mind seeing me dressed around the house now. I was elated! I walked out of the room for a minute and then back in and she was again laughing out loud.....I said with a smile on my face, "What?" And she said, "I have to tell you....(slight pause but still laughing).... that you make one ugly woman! At least in the dim light." My jaw and my heart hit the floor and I felt so empty and alone. How could someone you love so much (even inadvertently) crush you like that? Those two short sentences devastated me so much so that I almost started to cry but I held back with all my might Now I know I don't have the facial features a woman but hearing her say that just tore me up. I take a great deal of pride in how I dress and how I look.
I went back into my computer room and closed the door......I sat there with a tear in my eye and thought about what she had just said. At first, I thought it was mean and heartless of her to say that and I was hurt. Then I began to wonder if perhaps it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I know it has to be a shock to see, for the first time, your man dressed as a woman. Well, call me stubborn, but I convinced myself to hold onto the idea that it was her defenses saying that and she wasn't trying to be heartless.
Well, I guess time will tell.....the next time I get dressed I think I will know for sure whether or not it was a defensive statement.
Even though we come to accept ourselves for who we are there is still so much pain in being crossdresser.......
To be continued.....
Actually, this happened last night.....(an excerpt from my online diary (http://home.comcast.net/%7Eiamacd/diary.htm))
If anyone is interested in being bored to death my complete diary is on my web site.
Could this be a turn of events? I'm not sure.
I was sitting here dressed this evening and looking at a few pictures on my computer that I had taken earlier in the day. As usual when my wife is home my door was closed. She was in a good mood. I had to go to the ladies room so I let my wife know so she could cover her eyes. When she told me she was ready I opened the door and left the room with the pictures still up on my computer screen, leather jacket on my chair and my purse on the floor (thinking I would be right back). While I was in the bathroom my wife told me she wanted to put some mail on my desk. For some reason I had forgotten that the pictures were up on the screen and the other stuff around or on my chair. Anyway, I said, "go ahead, I'll be in the bathroom for a few minutes." She put the mail on my desk and went back into the kitchen. I came out of the bathroom and back into my computer room. As I walked in I realized what I had done and what she had seen and I felt my heart sink. I purposely asked her a question and her mood was decidedly different. SHE HAD SEEM MY PICTURES, MY JACKET AND MY PURSE!!!! She went down to the bedroom and as she walked passed my closed door she said, "I'm going to be in the bedroom for a while, you can open the door now. But her tone of voice was that of a depressed person.
As I mulled over the ramifications of her discovery of my pictures I heard my brother-in-law's truck pull into our driveway. I immediately shut down the computer, grabbed all of my stuff and went to the bedroom door to tell her that her brother was here. She panicked and said, "What the hell am I going to tell him?" I said, "I'll go into the bathroom, turn on the water in the tub and you tell him I just got into the shower." I went into the bathroom, closed the door and she came out of the bedroom to answer the front door. After a few minutes came around to the bedroom door entrance to the bathroom and said something that I couldn't hear because of the water running in the tub. She repeated it several times and I still couldn't hear. She was talking low enough so as not to let her brother hear what she was saying. Finally, I cracked open the door, asked her to repeat what she had said and I still couldn't hear her.
Well.......I finally opened the door all the way and there we are face to face for the first time while I was dressed.....I'm dressed to the 9's and she's in panic mode. I was surprised that she had a nonchalant expression on her face while she was looking right at me. She said, "You are going to have to change because he wants to ask you something." I said, "Okay stall him for about twenty minutes and I will change, get rid of my nail polish and makeup and then come out." Which she did.....
When I finally came out he asked me his question and we had a short conversation about a few things and then he left (never suspecting what he had walked in on). After he left, my wife looked at me and I looked at her thinking the brown stuff was going to hit the fan. She walked from the front door back into the kitchen and said, "Wow....that went well....How the hell did you get undressed and take off the nail polish and makeup in that short amount of time?" I jokingly told her with a half smile on my face that that was exactly what I used to do before you knew about my crossdressing so I have plenty of experience." Then she started to laugh, as did I. I thought to myself that this went rather well. She saw my pictures on the computer screen, my purse and jacket and she's seen me dressed, I almost got caught by my brother-in-law (all in one evening) and she's laughing. Wow!
For a brief moment in time I thought that maybe this was the evening that will change things around a bit and perhaps she won't mind seeing me dressed around the house now. I was elated! I walked out of the room for a minute and then back in and she was again laughing out loud.....I said with a smile on my face, "What?" And she said, "I have to tell you....(slight pause but still laughing).... that you make one ugly woman! At least in the dim light." My jaw and my heart hit the floor and I felt so empty and alone. How could someone you love so much (even inadvertently) crush you like that? Those two short sentences devastated me so much so that I almost started to cry but I held back with all my might Now I know I don't have the facial features a woman but hearing her say that just tore me up. I take a great deal of pride in how I dress and how I look.
I went back into my computer room and closed the door......I sat there with a tear in my eye and thought about what she had just said. At first, I thought it was mean and heartless of her to say that and I was hurt. Then I began to wonder if perhaps it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I know it has to be a shock to see, for the first time, your man dressed as a woman. Well, call me stubborn, but I convinced myself to hold onto the idea that it was her defenses saying that and she wasn't trying to be heartless.
Well, I guess time will tell.....the next time I get dressed I think I will know for sure whether or not it was a defensive statement.
Even though we come to accept ourselves for who we are there is still so much pain in being crossdresser.......
To be continued.....